Let me preface our newfound relationship with this: I hate Don Draper.
Don’t get me wrong. I love Jon Hamm. But Don Draper gives me the heebie-jeebies
I don’t find him charming, nor irresistible, nor the numerous other flattering adjectives that the people of the Internet have found fit to grace him. He is a misogynistic, selfish, bloat-headed pig. He definitely isn’t enigmatic – he’s as transparent as the varicose veins on a diabetic’s leg.
That’s why this moment brought out a gleeful squeal from me:
God, he’s so gross. All sweat-smelly and vom-covered.
Don Draper, El Douchebag – He’s back and still self-absorbed. It gives me evil pleasure to watch him age. He’s getting more bloated and red-faced with every season. Megan now outshines him. He can’t even deliver in the client pitches anymore (i.e. his flaccid concept about ‘The Jumping Off Point’ – seriously, how can you not see that its about suicide?). Even with the whole theme of Don’s warped sense of identity, it’s just so predictable that he would jump into bed with Sylvia. SO PREDICTABLE. How fun is it that he’s becoming the irrelevant fuddy-duddy? Minus Infinity Points for Grossitude.
Roger Sterling, my silver-haired fox – Roger Sterling is my Anderson Cooper. He really is the ultimate grown-up child. Well, more like grown-up 20-something playboy. Yeah, ok, he’s pretty selfish (just like Don) and has a horrible destructive tendencies (just like Don), but Roger will forever be the harmless baby boy that you’ll (or at least, I will) always forgive. 30 pts (armchair monologues) + 10 pts (funeral flirting) – 5 pts (‘this is MY funeral’) + 5 pts (cute fur scene w/ Mona) – 3 pts (coddling bratty Margaret) + 15 pts (crying over shoeshine man) = 52 pts
Fat Betty – Boo, I like skinny bitch Betty. Bring her back!!! BRING BACK THE ICE BITCH!!! She is a vapid woman with the brain of an insecure 16 year old – AND I LOVE HER. Watching her try to flirt her way out of a ticket was pretty painful (it doesn’t work when you’re Fat Betty! Get back to Skinny Bitch Betty mode already). Oh, and how awkward was that conversation between Fat Betty and Yummy Henry Francis? “I’ll hold down her arms for you” *shiver*. She’s so deliciously weird. (Sidenote: GOD, how annoying was Sally? I wanted to slap her.) – 5 pts (awkward cop flirtation) – 5 pts (awkward rape sex-talk) + 8 pts (Betty’s squatter goulash) = -2 pts
Little Miss Olson – Not so little anymore! She’s Don Draper with a vagina (but, not gross)! “Those ‘quote’ workers aren’t surprised, because they know that they’re lazy.” How cute is it that Stan is now her work husband? (And ew, what is up with Stan’s beardo). 10 pts (putting Burt Peterson in his place) + 10 pts (putting earphones CEO in his place) + 10 pts (putting underlings in their place) + 10 pts (putting Abe in his place) = 40 pts
Pete Campbell – Haha! Sideburns! 10 pts to hair department!
Joan – WHERE IS JOAN? Seriously, writers. Get your heads out of your asses. Joan needs to throw some serious ‘not-silent’ partner clout around. Minus 50 pts to writer’s room.
WINNER: ROGER STERLING