OMFG – JAIME’S HAND. His HAND! His RIGHT hand! How can he slay kings without his hand?! Roose Bolton is one malevolent son of a bitch (and deliciously so).
“You’re nuffink wiv-out your daddy. Your daddy ain’t here. Never forget that…
… Here, this should help you remember!”
Beat. Prince Charming in shock. Cue screams. Ahh! AHHHHH!!!
The third episode in this monster of a season was… better. Again, a bit plodding but heaps of fun developments and quippy moments. This is why we love GoT – even the slow episodes are choc-full of posh political jibes. Observe:
King Robb at Riverrun
The episode opens with the river burial of Lord Hoster Tully, viking style. He’s set afloat down the river, all trussed up in his knightly best. Enter Edmure Tully, his son and brother to Catelyn (OMG ITS BRUTUS! Pardon me, but I have an obsessive love of HBO’s Rome). He shoots a flaming arrow at the drifting boat. He misses. He shoots another. He misses. And another. He misses again. And THAT is our unceremonious introduction to the new lord of Riverrun.
So Bumbling Brutus is shoved out of the way by his uncle, Brynden Tully, the Blackfish. He takes aim, looses his arrow, and struts off while tossing the bow into Brutus’ face. Cool guys don’t watch their arrows land – they shoot things up, then they walk away.
Next, we see King Robb berating his uncle (Edmure Tully) for being a MASSIVE MILITARY FAIL. Just like Brutus was in Season 2 of Rome. Am I spotting a pattern here? Poor Tobias Menzies – he always plays the biggest, dumbest losers. Blackfish takes this opportunity to laugh in Bumbling Brutus’ face again. (Poor, poor, Tobias Menzies)
Catelyn has a sweet moment with Blackfish. I know a lot of people find her annoying, but I feel incredible sorry for her. All her children are either presumed dead / missing / kidnapped / fighting bloody wars. Her dad just died. Her brother is a raging tool-bag. Her face is getting really wrinkly. Its basically a huge bummer to be Catelyn Stark right now.
And UGH, Talisa of Volantis. Just UGH. You are the ruin of Robb Stark. I don’t care how many people you wrap up in smelly bandages. I already hate you.
King’s Landing: Where all the fun is
How awesome was that Small Council musical chairs scene?! Tywin Lannister now sits at the head of the table – Hand of the King and De Facto ruler. You’ve got the three stooges: Littlefinger, The Eunuch, and Pervy Dumbledore. All three scramble for the best seats along the table, closest to Tywin. Of course, Littlefinger squeezes his way in first. Then, Cersei glides in and positions a chair at the right hand of Tywin, who smiles at her indulgently – which is cute in an evil ‘daddy’s little girl’ way. (I was wondering the whole time how she managed to carry a chair across the room without bumping it against her shin and bruising the shit out of herself). Then of course, Tyrion grabs a chair and drags it to the other end of the table with a satisfying ‘squeeeeeee’ as it scrapes against the floor. Oh Tyrion, you will always be our favourite little rebel.
Tyrion is now the Master of Coin! He trots over to Littlefinger’s whorehouse to get the books and some tips. Littlefinger is to become Lord of the Eyrie, by marrying Lysa Arryn née Tully (The Boyfriend: “Who’s that? Is that the nipple bitch?” / Me: “Umm, yes.”). Massive boob shot of Roz. Roz is like the GoT version of Joan Harris. But, less dignified.
POD’s ORGY! How hilarious was Tyrion’s little show and tell? For saving his life, Tyrion gifts to Pod a bevy of three exotic hookers. Apparently Pod is so excellent, they wouldn’t accept payment! Nooo, Pod? Chubby little Pod?
Bronn: “What’re you sayin’? They liked him so much they gave him the time fer free?”
Tyrion: “Sit down, Podrick. We’re going to need details. Copious details.”
Stannis & The Red Skank
Jesus, man, get it together! She is a GOLD DIGGER. She ain’t gon hang round when you’re a broke n*gga (figuratively speaking).
Arya’s Band of Misfits
…is now short one misfit! The scene where they leave Hot Pie behind was surprisingly touching (and kinda depressing, since he was essentially ‘payment for all the free meals’). He’s always been a big bowl of useless blubber, but he’s a butterball I’ve grown to like. And he bakes Little Arry and Gendry (aka Druggie Chris from Skins) a wolf-shaped cake thing! How adorbs.
Hot Pie: “Don’t get stabbed.”
Gendry: “Don’t… burn your fingers.”
The Boyfriend calls him that. Especially after that interlude with the potential butt rape. That would’ve been disturbing. Thank god it was interrupted by Servant Legolas.
One must always say The NOOORTH with an imposing baritone. But sweet-baby funtimes, ITS JULIUS CAESAR! Mance Rayder, Schmance Schrayder – he shall forever be the elegant patrician, ruthless general, and Emperor of Rome.
We stumble across a creepy-as-crack graveyard of mangled horse corpses, arranged in some kind of crop circle pattern. Where are the Crows? Have they joined the ranks of the White Walkers?
But alas, they’re alive! And back at Craster’s freaky incest hut. We hear the screams of a woman in labor. Its Anorexic Cassie from Skins. And she has a wee baby boy. Oh noooooooo’s!
‘I am The Khaleesi, and you will do as I say!’
Khaleesi throws around her Khaleesi weight in this episode, yet again. She mostly just talks about whether or not to buy the Unsullied with her two fuddy duddy advisors, Ser Jorah Mormont and Ser Barristan Selmy:
Barristan: “Men died for him [Rhaegar], because they believed in him. […] Not because they’d been bought at a slaver’s auction.”
Jorah: “Rhaegar fought valiantly. Rhaegar fought nobly. Rhaegar died.”
BUH-BURN! So in the end, Khaleesi decides to buy the Unsullied from that foul-mouthed baldie. Never has a dual-language conversation been more delightfully disgusting. I think Khaleesi knows what is being said. Khaleesi will totally drop some language on him and totally blindside him one day (hopefully). Khaleesi hawks off one of her precious dragons for 8000 Unsullied. Please, like she’s not going to renege on that deal. On a sidenote, how distracting is Missandei’s cleavage? The Boyfriend was mesmerized.
The most gripping visual in the entire episode is the Walk of Punishment – a row of crucified and tortured slaves, strung up as examples of disobedience. Khaleesi tries to offer a slave a drink. He says, “let me die.” Missandei explains that there are “no masters in the grave.”
Missandei: “Valar Morghulis”
Khaleesi: “Yes, all men must die. But we are not men.”
OH NO, YOU ARE NOT, SISTA!
Let’s all just be honest. Khaleesi will end up Khaleesi-ing over all of Westeros.
Overall, a solid episode. We’re stylishly introduced to a couple new characters (as if the cast isn’t crowded enough). We get a few exciting developments. Most importantly, we get to see more of the GoT. Nevermind the crazy be-handing of our favourite Kingslayer, having front-row seats to things like the Walk of Punishment and Riverrun is why I tune in every week (and obsess over fan-blogs during the off-season). That, and watching who can come up with the most creative euphemisms for their insults / threats. The whole episode is rolling bonanza of people shouting “BURN” with really posh wordplay.
Hats off to David Benioff and D.B Weiss for keeping the episode high and tight. Not many showrunners can handle so many concurrent and starkly different storylines with such finesse, yet they continue to do so every week. Their casting directors also seem to have a weird fascination with casting people from HBO’s Rome and E4’s Skins. What will we get next? Zombie Tony Stonem as a White Walker?
I am so tired of the word Khaleesi. Here it is a few more times just to wear you out:
NO, PUBLIC. Her name is EMILIA.