Top 5 Reasons Why Tom Cruise Still Creeps Me Out

IMDb recently posted this little gem on their homepage: an article entitled ‘Top 10 Reasons Why We Still Love Tom Cruise’.

Tom Cruise’s publicist is really working hard, huh? I hope he pays them overtime plus benefits.

In light of this blatant piece of garbage, I’d like to offer my Top 5 Reasons for Why Tom Cruise Still Creeps Me Out (because Tom Cruise is not worth that much of my time. Plus, I’m feeling pretty lazy). If you like Tom Cruise, I suggest you educate yourself.

1. He’s a Scientologist.

I have a deep respect for religious people. They have a strong sense of faith that I will never have. However, Scientology is NOT a religion. Scientology is a cult. Members are duped into sinking their life savings into various Church ‘schemes’ and ‘training programs’. Their youth are shipped off to languish at ‘Sea Org’ – a religious order where members can sign away their lives for a billion years. Yes, A BILLION YEARS (to cover their future lives, of course). Members live on ships, working for minimal wage in communal living quarters – much like North Korea. Not only that, but Scientology is as corrupt as Italian parliament. Instead of funneling the money into private sex parties like Berlusconi, members’ life savings are used to buy Church leader David Miscavige’s dogs treadmills and pay his servants to polish his friggin’ lightbulbs. The man lives like a king, presiding over his worker ants, and probably laughing uproariously at how gullible everyone is.

2. He let the Scientologists black-ball Nicole Kidman out of their kids’ lives.

When Tom Cruise showed signs of coming to his senses in 1998, Scientology went batshit. Instead of having the cojones to walk away from the evil soul-sucking Scientology machine, he let them alienate him from his then-wife Nicole Kidman. They painted her as a ‘suppressive’ person because she was Catholic and her father a psychiatrist (psychotropic drugs are forbidden in Scientology). Basically, she had the audacity to have a past that didn’t include Tom Cruise. Tom rolled with it and kept the kids away from their suppressive mother.

3. He held interviews to find a ‘suitable’ girlfriend and subsequently mind-f*cked said girlfriend.

I think everyone has read Maureen Orth’s piece in Vanity Fair about Tom Cruise and Nazanin Boniadi (i.e. Nora from How I Met Your Mother).

Too good for Barney Stinson and Tom Cruise

Tom Cruise, the prodigal son of Scientology, needs an appropriate escort. Nazanin Boniadi, at that time a relatively unknown actress, was chosen from the masses to be be his political wife. It didn’t matter that she was engaged to be married. Screw that, who wants to be with the love of their life when they can be with Tom Cruise?!

He threw piles of his Jerry Maguire money at her and convinced her that she was in love with him. Unfortunately, she didn’t fangirl him enough for his taste. He complained that “she was not sufficiently demonstrative: “I get more love from an extra than I get from you.”” Eventually, he dumped Nora and she ended up in some Scientology rehab centre where they abused her mentally and made her scrub toilets with a toothbrush until she left the Church.

So what we can take from this story is that Tom Cruise has a lot in common with Overly-Attached Girlfriend.

4. He’s short and he shows it.

So its widely reported that Tom Cruise is 5″7. Its also widely reported that he is 170 cm. Lets everyone open up Google and figure out what 170cm is in feet. 170 cm = 5.558 feet. Hes not even 5’6. Do we see some creative reporting here? Anyway, the point isn’t that he’s short. Its the constant need to pretend that he’s not. Robert Downey Jr. is only 174 cm! Yet Tom Cruise has this crippling inability to accept this simple fact of life and just move on.

I’m sorry, I cannot get behind a man who wears elevated shoes.

Tom Cruise’s manly lift-ups

5. He’s kinda totally batshit insane.

When a respected publication like the Guardian dedicates a 900 word article purely to discuss your “kookiness”, lets just call an orange an orange and admit that Tom Cruise is a nutball.

Whether its the crazy jumping on Oprah’s couch or eating Katie Holmes’ nutritious placenta, Tom Cruise is still and forever will be a creepy dude.

As such, I am a conscientious objector in the war to regain Tom Cruise’s credibility. I will not be going to watch Oblivion this weekend. For those who do end up going, please let me know how awful it was and how much you regret that decision:

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