Game of Thrones Recap (S03 E04): Valyrian is my mother tongue, b*tch

Did I call it, or did I call it? Khaleesi dropped some Valyrian and razed an entire freaking city. Slave Master dude from Astapor GOT BURNED by Khaleesi (bahaha!). Anyway, we’ll get to that later.

Dracarys, muthaf*cker

Dracarys, muthaf*cker

In this week’s episode, let us relish the delicious political potluck of King’s Landing, spiced with sprinklings of Westerosi refugees and a heaping scoop of ice cold murder up North. Oh yeah, and for the main course, a bloody massacre in Astapor – courtesy of our favourite hostess, Khaleesi of House Targaryen.

Lets skip along through all the random bits with our dirty smelly Westerosi travellers so we can get to the sumptuous parts of our GoT feast (I love saving all the fatty, oily, delicious stuff for last).


Jaime / Brienne with Bolton’s Bastards

Oh, come on. Hanging the guy’s chopped off hand around his neck is just foul.

Nine kinds of nasty

Nine kinds of nasty

I vividly recall reading the parts in the book directly after Jaime’s hand was cut off. George RR Martin’s description of the smell of the rotting flesh, the pus oozing from his wrist, his head spinning with burning fever. With all that running through my head, coupled with the visual of Jaime writhing in the mud and horse piss – made me feel like I was watching Hannibal for a brief second. (Congrats on being somewhat relevant, Hannibal!)

It sucks to lose your hand, Jaime. But it also sucks to lose your life. Stop being such a whiny b*tch – “ohh I don’t want to live anymore” – and suck it up. You’re in GAME OF THRONES, man. Bad shit happens to everyone every day. NED STARK LOST HIS HEAD. Losing your hand seems pretty minor. So yeah, you tell him Brienne:

Brienne: “You sound like a bloody woman!”

I beg to differ. Jaime sounds like a whiny nobleman. I think we all know by now how tough the women in GoT are. Yourself included, Brienne.

Bran the  Little Man

Nothing much happens. Bran has a pathetic little dream where he falls off a tree. Yes, sad, sad, but that was three seasons ago. A little too 2000 and late.

Theon Gayjoy

What a MINDF*CK. So Servant Legolas basically just took him on a round trip just to mess with him? What was the point of that!?

Props to Alfie Allen for that touching moment: “My real father lost his head at King’s Landing. I made a choice, and I chose wrong.

As much as I want to hate Gayjoy, I just want to hand him over to a nice elderly foster mother like Evelyn from Four Brothers and have her straighten him out along with a bunch of other unruly delinquents.

Arya & The Brotherhood without Banners

We get an enticing glimpse into the underground cult that is the Brotherhood without Banners. We’ve already got The Red Priest, Thoros of Myr, and now we meet Beric Dondarrion.

Honestly, I’m slightly disappointed. Thoros of Myr, the Red Priest of Rhllor, was a merry fat blasphemer in King’s Landing who was thrown out and hardened into a true believer during his time with The Brotherhood. Beric Dondarrion was a dashing young knight whose gallantry led to his downfall in the pursuit of the Mountain, who found redemption and religion with the Brotherhood. So basically, they’re both meant to be freaking scary, and thus AWESOME.

Well, lets not rush to judgement, I suppose.

Thoros of Myr: Not fanatical enough

Beric Dondarrion: Not dashing enough


Did you use the appropriate baritone when reading the title? Good.

Unfortunately, there were no funtimes with Julius Caesar (Mance Rayder) and his Merry Band of Misfits this week. Just disgruntled crows and a whole lot of murder at Craster’s Keep. How DARE Ugly Troll Guy stab His Lord Commander?! HOW DARE HE. Lord Commander should’ve / would’ve ripped him apart with his bare decrepit hands! I hope you get sliced to pieces by White Walkers, you foul turncoat!

R.I.P. Old Bear

King’s Landing

Oh there’s so many scrumptious snackadoodles to choose from!

Well, lets start with Varys’ chilling story about how his man jewels were cut off:

VARYS’ REVENGE – served ice cold and in a rickety crate.

There’s a lot of references to Varys’ genitalia in this episode. I guess you can’t request an audience with Grand Dame Tyrell and not expect a verbal smack down:

Grand Dame Tyrell is basically the female Tywin, non? Both are ruthless and intelligent. Both demand the respect of those around them. CAN YOU IMAGINE THEM MARRIED? Oh my god, that would make a great sitcom. ‘Tywin & Olenna: The Golden Years’.

Oh, Tywin Lannister. If there is one thing that redeems him, it is his knack for making you want to commit suicide by way of brutal honesty. How are his children even alive?

Tywin (to Cersei): “I don’t distrust you because you’re a woman. I distrust you because you’re not as smart as you think you are”


And on that note, Cersei is really losing touch with Joffrey. She lost control two seasons ago. Yet, Margaery – she’s masterful. You can expect as much from the lady who was also Anne Boleyn. Natalie Dormer is really carving a living out for herself by playing the manipulative partners of tyrannical kings.

“I am The Khaleesi, and you will do as I say!”

KHALEESI! I have a love-hate relationship with Khaleesi. She gets on my nerves, but yet I always come crawling back every time she does something cool. She’s like a little sister – she pisses me off, but I can’t help but be proud of her.

This episode, Khaleesi stole the whole she-bang. She was glorious.

I cannot put it into words, so enjoy and pay homage at the feet of Khaleesi:

KHALEESI WILL RULE WESTEROS. Just you wait, petty humans.

BONUS, TYWIN LANNISTER READING ’50 SHADES OF GREY’. If you were too lazy to watch any of the above, do yourself a favor and watch Charles Dance talk about ‘kinky f*ckery’:

UPDATE: Who do we need to bribe to get this into production –

I call House Targaryen. You can call me ‘Khaleesi’.

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One thought on “Game of Thrones Recap (S03 E04): Valyrian is my mother tongue, b*tch

  1. […] bitch version of Tywin Lannister. I am seriously going to start shopping my pitch for GoT offshoot ‘Tywin & Olenna: The Golden Years’ to all the major networks. HBO, you can have first […]

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