Game of Thrones Recap (S03 E05): Pickled babies

Yes, pickled-in-a-jar, preserved-in-fluid, BABIES:

Break glass in case of desperation and/or insanity.

Break glass in case of desperation and/or insanity.

THE BREAKDOWN

Dragonstone

Its pretty obvious why we’re starting here, with The Man Who Would Be King (were it not for The Red Skank). We find Stannis at Dragonstone, licking his wounds. Alas, we are introduced to  his much-neglected wife – Lady Selyse of House Florent.

Lady Selyse and Lysa Tully (breastfeeding lady) should become BFFs because within the space of about 5 mins, we find out she’s ten kinds of kookoo.

Firstly, when Stannis comes to her in repentance for sleeping with The Red Skank – he’s so so sorry that he has wronged her, he has shamed her etc etc. What does Lady Selyse say? “You’re doing God’s work. […] When [Red Skank] told me, I WEPT WITH JOY.” — Yup, she cried happy tears when she found out her husband was banging the help.

Secondly, Lady Selyse is crazy because PICKLED BABIES.

Look, Stanny! Look at how they've grown!

Look, Stanny! Look at how they’ve grown!

On the brightside, we get to meet Stannis’ only child, little Lady Shireen. She has greyscale on her face, so of course, everyone’s all ‘gross’ and ‘the shaaaame’. But she turns out to be a kind-hearted girl who happens to be the only likeable kid in Westeros. How sweet was it when she started to teach Davos (“Ser Onion Knight!”) to read? What a darling!

The Handsome Twosome

Ser Jaime Lannister & Lady Brienne Tarth shall henceforth be known as The Handsome Twosome, because, let’s face it, they’re both quite handsome (he’s Prince Charming after all). 

Okay, so I’m a total space case because I thought the guy who cleaved off Jaime’s hand was Roose Bolton. But, he’s not! We meet Roose Bolton! And he’s so much cooler! Hehe how embarrassing… they said he was a Bolton so I just assumed. But alas, all I did was make an ass out of you and me.

For those who have read the books, Jaime Lannister becomes a character we all can cherish. It seems that they’re starting the ‘We Believe In Jaime Lannister’ campaign in this episode. He’s always been a tragic hero of sorts. At first, all he was was ‘the poor little rich boy’. Now, we’re privy to the fact that Jaime is a man of un-mined depths. It’s good to finally see where the root of his nonchalance and callousness comes from. It is as it always will be – a coping mechanism for a less-than desired life.

Please give Nikolaj Coster-Waldau the courtesy of viewing this splendid scene:

The NOOORTH

Did you read it with the proper baritone? I want to hear the BOOM!

Whoo! Jon Snow and Ygritte get up to some hanky-panky! About time, Jon. He was starting to remind me of Edward Cullen and his century-long virginity. I knew it was coming, but was anyone as shocked as I was when Ygritte got completely buck-nekkid? OMGAH, Gwen! Cover up! One does not conduct one’s self this way at Downton Abbey!

Lady Sybil does not approve.

Sadly, no Mance Rayder this episode. Where are you, Caesar!?

Brotherhood without Banners

As excited as I was to see The Red Priest raise Beric Dondarrion from the dead, how cool was his FLAMING SWORD?! Did he use HIS BLOOD as FLINT? COOLNESS.

I might be coming round on Beric Dondarrion. He’s climbed up a notch on my cool-o-meter. Okay, maybe two notches.

Riverrun

It seems King Robb of the North is destined to repeat the mistakes of his father – the noble and inarguably stupid Ned Stark.

I admire his innate need to do what’s right and the courage he has in his convictions. It’s why I started crushing on him in the first place (and why I turned into a green rage-monster when he married that Volantis nobody). But at the same time, somebody needs to tell this boy to STOP LOSING THIS WAR WITH ONE POOR DECISION AFTER ANOTHER.

Okay, so Karstark murdered two Lannister boys. Its really freaking bad. I don’t know how I would’ve dealt with it (because I am not King in The North, sadly), but I’m pretty sure executing your distant relative, who also happens to have supplied you with half your army, is a terrifically DUMB MOVE. Its slightly hypocritical that all his mother got was a slap on the wrist, whereas Uncle Karstark got his head lopped off. Yeah, murder is significantly worse, but I’m sure there is a wide range of choices within the spectrum of mild scolding and taking off someone’s head with a broadsword.

I’m really NOT looking forward to The Red Wedding.

King’s Landing

Yess! I’ve wanted to see Lady Olenna Tyrell and Tyrion Lannister duke it out since the beginning! This week, we see them throw verbal bitch-slaps over the upcoming Royal Wedding. Tyrion is hopelessly, hilariously outgunned. She walks ALL OVER HIM. She really is the batty old bitch version of Tywin Lannister. I am seriously going to start shopping my pitch for GoT offshoot Tywin & Olenna: The Golden Years’ to all the major networks. HBO, you can have first dibs. You’re welcome.

Sorry, I can’t adequately summarise the awesomeness of Lady Olenna. Please watch the following as she unloads zinger after zinger on Tyrion (and poor Pod):

It’s a bad week for Tyrion, because not only does he get dominated by an old lady, he gets sold off into an arranged marriage by his daddy-kins to the adolescent Sansa Stark. Tywin and Olenna are tag-teaming already.

I can’t understand the obsession both Cersei and Tyrion have with gaining their father’s love and respect. This is a man who repeatedly shames them and berates them for all their failings. Never once does he acknowledge their accomplishments. Never once does he show them any inkling of love. Not only that, but he selfishly uses them to further his own agenda time and time again. Beware, Lannister cubs, that’s how you end up on a stripper pole.

(ps. Honestly though Cersei, it won’t be so bad being married to Loras. He won’t mind that you’re a brother-humper, and you won’t mind that he’s a glittery rainbow. It might actually work out well!)

“I am The Khaleesi, and you will do as I say.”

Week after week, I am being won over by Khaleesi. Once, she was a silly girl with a superiority complex because of a title she gained from her husband (“I am The Khaleesi, and you will do as I say!”). Then, she was an entitled girl with a superiority complex because of an inherited legacy (“I am Daenerys Stormborn, and I will take what is mine!”).

NOW, she is a self-possessed woman with cunning to match her charisma.

…and she has an army.

I would bow down to Khaleesi if she were on The Iron Throne. Wouldn’t you? Only if she insisted that they kept calling her Khaleesi though.

Her interaction with the new Unsullied leader, Grey Worm, choked me up a little. She is so inspiring. Screw being a princess – all the little girls will now want to grow up to ride dragons and massacre slave-traders!

(Sidenote: How beautiful does Valyrian sound? Its like a Germanic-Slavic-Spanish mix. So gorgeous.)

BONUS – Game of Thrones, if it were on The CW. Watch until the end for an excellent surprise pairing:

 

 

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