Game of Thrones Recap (S03 E06): Tywin and Olenna duke it out

After weeks of mad awesomeness, there was very little in this episode that made us go ‘holy shitballs!’. This week’s episode is dedicated to setting up future story-lines. Its kinda, totally boring… Plus, the title of the episode, ‘The Climb’, just makes me think of that god-awful Miley Cyrus song.

I guess I can understand the virtue of having a slower paced episode to set up a biggie, but one thing is really bothering me:

WHERE IS KHALEESI!?

I need my weekly dose of dragon-lady.

Nevertheless, it gave me a scene that I’ve been waiting for all season: TYWIN vs. OLENNA – The Heavyweight Showdown. However, lets start with the Westerosi stragglers.

THE BREAKDOWN

Bran The Little Man

Bran is still crippled. Jojen is still creepy. Osha and Meera get snappy over how to skin rabbits.

One thing I thoroughly enjoy in Game of Thrones, though, is how sincerely badass a lot of the women are. Freaking hell – Crippled Bran, Baby Rickon, and Skinny Jojen (and even Retarded Hodor) are napping in their bedrolls while Meera and Osha do the hunting. These are some kickass women. Ygritte, Brienne, and our prodigal dragon-mother, Khaleesi, to name a few.

It makes sense too. While the men are off posturing and playing at war, the women are left behind to defend themselves from things worse than death. Thank you, George RR Martin, for trumpeting the strength of women.

Theon Gayjoy

Still strapped up. Still being tortured. (Seriously, what is going on? I don’t remember this bit in the book…)

His torturer loves playing mind games it seems. Are you in Deepwood Motte? Are you in Karhold? Na-nee-na-nee-boo-boo! I won’t tell you!

The Brotherhood Without Banners

Precious little Arya, trying to show off her weaponry skills again. Lols. How adorbs. She must have some kind of psychological disorder that makes her perceive herself as a hulking 6ft7 warrior. I just want to pat her on the head and say:

But, UGH, THE RED SKANK IS BACK. And she freaking takes Gendry! And Beric Dondarrion / Thoros of Myr trade him out for a couple bags of gold! How totally and completely uncool. Beric has fallen at least 5 notches on my cool-o-meter, whether or not he can light swords aflame with his blood.

The Handsome Twosome

Prince Charming looks a little less handsome now and a little more ex-army hobo. Brienne is in a PINK DRESS (haha!!). Roose Bolton betrays Robb Stark by letting Jaime go back to daddy in King’s Landing.

Is it mean for me to laugh at this crippled guy fail so hard at cutting up his dinner? I was laughing internally, if that helps. I’m a bad person… It’s cute how Brienne helps him cut up his dinner though. Like a wee baby boy.

The NOOORTH

Buh-BOOM!

We get a glimpse of Fat Sam trying to take care of Anorexic Cassie from Skins and her baby boy. Its sweet how hard he tries, especially seeing how incompetent he is at most things. I suspect that not being able to start a fire in Westeros is much like not being able to boil an egg on Earth. How embarrassing.

Then, we’re treated to Jon Snow and Ygritte climbing The Wall. Ygritte has a touching scene with Jon telling him that she’s his woman and that she will always care for him. Then she tells him that if he betrays her, she’ll cut off his wang and wear it as a necklace. Charming. She’s evolved from Overly Attached Girlfriend into Overly Insane Girlfriend:

Bitch be cray-cray.

Then, with that beautiful sentiment still swimming in his head, Jon Snow and the Northern crew get to climbing that behemoth of a wall. They climb, there’s an accident, that dickish Warg guy who’s played by that wooden-eyed moron from Pirates fo the Caribbean cuts the rope, letting Ygritte and Jon fall. Luckily, Jon is a crafty, crafty boy and catches onto a ledge before the rope is loosed. They get to the top, check out the view, and kiss like two horny high-schoolers at Make-Out Point.

I think this was meant to be the ‘exciting storyline’ this week. Ehh, I like Gwen The Downton Abbey Housemaid as much as the next person, but it left me cold. Haha, ‘cold’ – geddit?

The King in the North

So they’re selling off Edmure Tully to the Freys already. We’re at that point.

ROBB!! WHY DID YOU MARRY THAT VOLANTIS BIMBO!? WHY?! (It’s very Helen of Troy, how she’s screwing up an entire war for everyone. Only, she’s not half as beautiful as Diane Kruger.) Gawd, what a cock-up.

Everybody stay tuned for The Red Wedding.

King’s Landing

So this is where the actions at.

First off, HOLY SHIT GoT Joan is dead! Roz is dead! Well, she was outlasting her use. Oh, that’s actually pretty brutal of me to say. Joffrey is a nutjob. He is Patrick Bateman of Westeros with a crossbow instead of an axe.

Loras and Sansa have a lovely awkward chat. She’s clearly still under the impression that she will be married to him and live happily ever after in fairytale rose-land. Oh, Sansa. She’s another one I want to pat on the head, and say, “Oh, honey…” Were she more well-versed with the world, she would pin Loras for the flaming homosexual he is the minute he started talking about how much he liked green brocade and French sleeves. (Pardonnez-moi, writers, but WHY IS HE TALKING ABOUT ‘FRENCH’ SLEEVES? Are there French people in Westeros? I think NOT!) Loras is so obviously fabulous:

Alas, it has been decided that TYRION shall wed SANSA, and CERSEI shall produce baby flowers with the fabulous LORAS.

Tyrion and Cersei have a good sibling moment where they both reflect on the sordid demands of the Lannister legacy. They can see it destroying their lives. They see how ruthless their father is. Yet, they both do nothing to protect themselves or each other. Can you imagine how indestructible a team made up of Tyrion, Cersei, and Jaime would’ve been if they had worked together?

Great… we’re marrying children.

Alas! We arrive at the moment we’ve all been waiting for! The Grand Showdown between Lannister Lion, Lord Tywin of Casterly Rock, and Queen of Thorns, Lady Olenna Tyrell of Highgarden!

Watching them callously barter their children and grandchildren like chattel was, singularly, the awesomest thing ever. Despicable, yet thoroughly, unbeatably awesome. This is how dynasties are created:

HAHA, Lady Olenna calls Loras a “sword-swallower, through and through.” She seems so proud.

Admittedly, we have to say that humourless Tywin won that round. Lady Olenna more than holds her own though. She secedes with such grace and cheek.

“I am Khaleesi, and you will do as I say!”

Oh WHOOPS. There WAS no Khaleesi this episode, WAS THERE?

I have to say though, I really miss the Khal.

This makes me very, very sad.

I actually met (well, sat in the same room and breathed in the same air as)  Jason Momoa when he was down in Melbourne for ComicCon 2012. He is charmingly goofy, incredibly endearing (when he talks about his wife and kids especially), and about five kinds of sexy.

Oh, Khal – I’ll be your sun and your stars!

= = =

BONUS Zach Braff craving Khaleesi as much as I do:

Sadly, I don’t think it worked out:

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