Game of Thrones Recap (S03 E07): Bye bye, Yunkai

YESS!!! We have once again avoided The Red Wedding. Every week, I sit with baited breath, wondering if its that time yet. The time for my hatred of Talisa (aka Charlie Chaplin’s exotic granddaughter, Oona Chaplin) to grow exponentially. Alas, she has been spared another week.

This week, ‘The Bear and The Fair Maiden’, is largely a filler episode.The Westerosi wanderers are still meandering aimlessly across the countryside. The North is incredibly chatty. King’s Landing is also incredibly chatty. Khaleesi is still pretty awesome. Very little happens in terms of the plot. I guess, that’s a good thing. You just know that GoT is gearing up to kill more people.

THE BREAKDOWN

The NOOORTH

Jon and Ygritte are now over The Wall and are still having banter-y D&M’s (‘deep and meaningfuls’) about how “you are mine and I am yours”. We get it. You’re in a relationship. Ygritte needs to stop worrying – there aren’t that many lookers amongst the wildlings. You have pretty red hair and you gave him his first sex. Chill, he’s not going anywhere.

I wasn’t so hot on them in the beginning. She had this very lofty, put-on air about her. It was all “OH look how tough and awesome I am. I’m from the NOORTH.” And of course, she liked to remind him of this:

Now, they’re kinda cute. It must be refreshing for Jon meet someone who doesn’t faint at the sight of blood after growing up in the same castle as Sansa Stark. He always did have an affinity for Arya. Ygritte and Arya are pretty similar actually. Both like to talk tough, although, Ygritte is probably a bit more able to deliver. But, wait – is there some transferred psychology there? Oh creepy, Jon! Arya is your half-sister!

It’s also really cute how easily impressed Ygritte is. Girl, I’m pretty sure you’re the one that knows nothing:

Remember that guy that tried to cut them loose during that climbing accident on The Wall? Oh yeah, apparently now he has feelings for Ygritte. Dude, THAT’s how you show her that you like her? By trying to KILL her? Someone needs to spend less time in his bird’s brain and more time in Podrick Payne’s.

Bran, The Little Man

Blah, blah, blah, must track down the three-eyed raven. Blah, blah, blah.

Yeah, Osha, you tell him! Why DO you have to do all the work while they sit around and chat about their dreams? Wussy little lords. Puh.

Poor Osha. As an immigrant myself, I feel you, sista. That unbridled panic at being sent back to the place you escaped from. To quote Max Brooks, “you will never understand a refugee’s heart.” But then, we always knew she was a hard one. Burning down your home with your man in it – that’s some horrid stuff. Why are you so cruel, George RR Martin?!

The King in the North

King Robb has lots of sexy sex with Charlie Chaplin’s daughter. She’s now preggos. We get way too many shots of Chaplin child’s butt. Catelyn Stark looks on disapprovingly (not while they are having sex, mind you).

How many times do we have to go over how Talisa has essentially destroyed any chances of Robb winning the war? Listen to your momma, Robb, not your cock.

The Brotherhood without Banners

Arya is hitting that age when she’s less “cute and precocious” and more “whiny and annoying”. Look at her sit on that rock and whine about ‘not speaking to traitors’. And then going ahead and speaking to them anyway, like a snotty teenage girl. Actually, she kinda reminds me of 14 year old me.

She’s not the cleverest of the Starks, is she? Well, the Starks were never a clever lot, but today, Arya really takes the cake. Yes, I’ll just run off into the wilderness with no food or resources, away from these men who are bound to protect me. Let’s just sprint off into the darkness. I’m sure I’ll be better off. Tra-la-la! Oh no! Oh wait! AUUGHHH!! THE HOUND!

Moron.

Theon Not-so-gay-joy

I’m really starting to feel for him. I couldn’t actually sit through his segment without visibly cringeing and clutching onto The Boyfriend for moral support. Why the mind games?! Why!? Just kill him already! Not his cock! Noooo!!!

Poor Theon…

The Boyfriend actually made an incredibly astute observation. He thinks that the Boltons have Theon (I’ve read the books, but don’t remember this part. The Boyfriend has not read the books). He pointed out that the cross that Theon has been strung up on looks similar to the flayed man on the Bolton’s coat of arms. What was amazing was that this is how The Boyfriend picked up on it:

The Boyfriend: “Oh hey, that emblem thing on Roose Bolton’s vest kinda looks like Theon. Do the Boltons have him?!”

King’s Landing

Sansa is bitching to Margaery about her upcoming nuptials to Tyrion. Oh noes! I have to copulate with a dwarf! Sansa’s so sad she can’t have sword-swallower Loras! Meanwhile, Margaery is engaged to the whore-murderer.

Ugh, what a diddling fool. I’m glad Margaery is there to talk her through the whole sex thing, even if she did just admit that she’s slept around. A LOT.

Honey, we could tell by your wardrobe.

At the same time, Tyrion is bemoaning having to marry ‘The Stark Child’. Tyrion has some values, okay? And look at him trying to appease Shae. Ugh, whatever. She is ACTUALLY a gold-digger (as in trying to dig into the Lannister’s famous gold, geddit? Lols). How does he not see this?

Finally, we get a tasty morsel of Tywin Lannister. Alas, no Olenna this week, but we get to see Tywin patronize the bajesus out of Joffrey. Look at how he’s so diplomatic, yet every word is dripping with indulgence and condescension. When I grow up, I want to be Tywin Lannister (gold and all).

That was essentially a complicated version of “All right, precious child-king. [Pats him on the head] Off to bed with you.”

The Handsome Twosome

Jaime and Brienne have established one of the most complicated and touching relationships of the entire series. It’s gratifying to see how its grown from hostility to mutual respect and hesitant trust. Brienne, not Cersei, has made a man out of Jaime. I guess you could say the same of Jaime, making a woman out of Brienne. She’s able to be open and vulnerable around him. And for once, she is the damsel in distress, to be saved by the dashing Ser Jaime!

Well, okay, not so dashing. He’s a bit too hobo chic right now to be considered anything close to dashing. When he jumped into the arena, I literally screamed to The Boyfriend, “WHAT THE HELL DOES THE GIMP THINK HE’S GOING TO DO!?”

“I am the Khaleesi, and you will do as I say!”

Indeed. Khaleesi is on a hot streak. Qarth, then Astapor, and now Yunkai. Watch out, Yunkish peeps! The Valyrian Abe Lincoln is out for slaver blood!

Can we all just savor how she decimates this Yunkish dude? Ooooh! Look at how big her wee dragons are getting!

BONUS – Tywin Lannister looking fierce as hell in hooker boots. Can’t unsee? Well SCREW YOU, he’s still a bad ass.

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