Game of Thrones Recap (S03 E08): Of penises and political partnerships

Is it just me, or does the grossest things happen when Stannis is around?

This week, its Melisandre and her bowl of leeches – one of which, she sticks on Gendry’s wang. I’m not a guy, but dude, I sympathise. Chris on Skins has done some nasty stuff, but I think this definitely takes the cake.

Definitely not as bad as as penis leeches.

On this week’s episode of GoT, ‘Second Sons’, we are treated to rampant political manoeuvrings on both sides of the Narrow Sea. This episode is dominated by the devilish machinations of our delightfully amoral cast of characters. We get a depressing wedding, some penis-leech sorcery, a bit of White Walker action, and a very naked Dany.

THE BREAKDOWN

Annoying Arya & The Hound

So she tries to kill him with a rock. Like an idiot. Of course, The Hound is awake – you can’t be a fearsome warrior if you sleep through breakfast and various assassination plots. He tells her, “I’ll give you one try, girl. Kill me, and you’re free. But, if I live, I’ll break both your hands.” That’s basically his way of patting her on the head and saying, “Aww little Arry, go on. Give it a go.” She needs to have way more adults being condescending to her. Stop talking tough if you’re four foot nothing with Justin Bieber’s musculature.

The NOOORTH

Oh boo! No Jon and Ygritte, raunching it up underneath the furs. We just get the grubby couple with the fat baby (I mean the actual baby, even though Sam fits the description as well).  Alas, another White Walker! Look at Sam, wielding the sword, frontin’ like he’s Aragorn or sumthin’. Looks like impressing a girl is really the number one male motivator for doing brave / stupid things. Luckily, he had that obsidian spearhead! Oh wait, what? He dropped it and DIDNT pick it up before he ran off?! Despite the fact that the White Walker freaking SHATTERED INTO A MILLION PIECES and they weren’t in any immediate danger?! Sure, lets just NOT pick up the one thing that can kill these supernatural sons’a’bitches. Nice move, Sam.

Dragonstone

Ugh she really is The Red Skank. Why the mind games?! Just kill him, if you mean to kill him! I can’t stand it! Last week we had Theon getting slutted with before his (possible) gelding. Now we get Gendry bumping uglies with Melisandre before she puts LEECHES ON HIS WANG. Freaking LEECHES. Why is everything in Dragonstone so gross? If this were a cheesy horror flick, Stannis would be that creepy guy who lives in the middle of nowhere in a rundown manor filled with perverse horrors, like pickled babies, scale-face children, wax corpses, and penises with leeches on it. In that film, Red Skank would be his a demonic succubus that he calls forth from a leather-bound grimoire to rape unsuspecting boys and take care of his nursery of shadow babies. On a sidenote, Gendry is AB-TASTIC. Go, Chris!

Just some light bondage and leech-play

King’s Landing

Finally, a royal wedding. Its not quite as glamourous as I’m sure the Joffrey-Margaery one will be. Nevertheless, we get some serious dress porn. How DIVINE was the fabric of Sansa Stark’s wedding dress?! I wish they’d done something different with her hair though – it looked like they looped a baguette over her head. And phwoar, Tyrion does look handsome, indeed! That scar becomes him.

First off, JOFFREY IS A DICK. Taking that step-stool away to embarrass Tyrion? Petty adolescent dumb-jock dick move. That kid is such an evil little pimple. I just want to stab him in his sneery face. (Applause to Jack Gleeson for throwing himself shamelessly into being a nasty wee asshole – something his career may never recover from, I fear). But then, let’s all watch Tyrion deliver a heavy verbal bitchslap across the face of this despicable asshat:

For those who are unclear, the bedding ceremony is one where men seize the bride (and women seize the groom) and strip them of their clothes before they are delivered to a bed. A bit of embarrassing fun when you’re with friends and family. Sexual harassment and humiliation at the hands of demon-doucheface, Joffrey.

For extra emphasis.

The Boyfriend has this to say about this douche-canoe: “Logically, you would think that anyone would realize that the probability of people wanting to kill you for your throne would increase dramatically in direct correlation to how big of a douchebag you are.” Well, I can say this: the fun thing about Joffrey is that he offers us Internet denizens a platform for ever-more creative insults. Even Google Auto-Complete is in on it. Type in “Joffrey is a…” and we get “douche”, “monster”, “prick”, “sadist”…etc.

Okay, moving on from Joffrey’s douchebaggery. Tyrion is really the noblest, most gentle husband you could ever have.  I would happily marry Tyrion. He has always treated all his women with utmost respect and kindness. Sansa is a fool. What if you never want him in your bed? Well, then Sansa,  you’ll never get with child and you’ll be even more useless than you are now. Its a brutal world, doll. Get it together.

The Boyfriend was really panicky throughout this whole bit because he thought that evil pig Joffrey was actually going to burst in and make good on raping Sansa. Besides all the drama involving disgusting Joffrey, we get a fun little despicable Cersei moment. It really feels like she’s spiraling out of control. She should take a cue from Margaery and play it a bit closer to the chest. Cersei really has a big ego. Now that she’s not top dog, she’s lashing out stupidly on dangerous people. OMG, she totally should’ve been born a man.

No discussion of King’s Landing is ever complete without any mention of Grand Dame Olenna:

Sucks to be a Lannister. Sucks to be a Tyrell. It really sucks to be a Stark. I’d much rather go explore what’s happening on the other side of The Narrow Sea.

“I am The Khaleesi, and you will do as I say!”

Look at her schmoozing her ‘guests’ like a pro. Even First Lady Jackie Kennedy couldn’t do any better. Khaleesi knows what she wants and she’ll do whatever necessary to get it. Even graciously tolerate some potty mouth. That’s her greatest strength – having people underestimate her and playing to their pride. After all, nobody wants to lose to a little blonde girl.

Can we really picture Ser Barristan throwing down with Mero? I mean, he looks pretty haggard and old now. I don’t know – I want to believe in the legend of Barristan Selmy.

More importantly, is this how we picture Daario Naharis? In the book, he’s described as blue-haired with a trident beard. I guess this take is better. He’s meant to fearsome and graceful at the same time. I imagine blue hair / trident beard could make him seem a bit too much like an effeminate Khal Drogo at Mad Hatter’s Party. Anyway, he’s known to me as GIRLFACE, since he’s just so so pretty!

There’s that scene where Khaleesi is nude and The Second Sons pledge their loyalty to her, but I’m a prude so here’s the clip sans Khaleesi-nakedness:

BONUS – I really worry about Jack Gleeson’s future career as an actor. Everywhere he goes, he’ll just be known as “that asshole kid from Game of Thrones”. However, it seems like he might not even pursue a career in acting, opting instead to be an academic! He’s a man after my own heart. Just in case he does want to continue acting, I intend to proliferate as many of these videos of Jack Gleeson being an intelligent, articulate young man as possible in order to combat any preconceptions of him being anything at all like King Dick-tard, Joffrey Baratheon.

 

 

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