I read the third book almost two years ago. I have had a long time to ponder the death of my beloved Robb Stark. Nevertheless, when The Red Wedding erupted into a violent bloody gorefest, it very nearly incapacitated my poor little brain.
I thought I was prepared. I read the books after the first season, after I fell deeply in love and solidified my destiny to become Mrs. (Lady?) Robb Stark. Robb was rather poorly-drawn in the book, but by imagining the handsome Richard Madden in the role, I was engrossed in his story. Then came ‘A Storm of Swords’. The Red Wedding sent me spiralling into a clinical depression over the doom of my fantasy hubby. I nested in the darkness for days, wallowing in grief and having nightmares about his wolf-headed corpse (okay, no nightmares – just a lot of laziness and instant noodles).
I think if everyone who has ever been psychologically traumatised by George RR Martin came together, we could probably launch quite a sizeable class-action lawsuit and win some major damages.
Anyway, point is, I’ve had almost two years to come to terms with Robb Stark’s unceremonious murder. Still, watching ‘The Rains of Castamere’ last night felt like I was reliving the brutal homicide of a loved one.
It started with Walder Frey’s (aka. Argus Filch from the Harry Potter movies) pervy comments about what was ‘underneath’ Talisa’s dress. They thought he was just being a dirty old man, but it wasn’t her nakedness he was referring to. Of course, he knew about the bun in the oven. His old-man cock had cooked up enough to know, I’m sure. That was the final, ultimate slight. Of course he had no qualms humiliating the Queen of his sovereign. He KNEW that none of them were making it out alive.
And then of course, there’s pretty Roslin Frey. Edmure grinned like a blithering idiot when they lifted the veil and it turned out his new Walder wife was totally boink-able.
IF IT SEEMS LIKE ITS TOO GOOD TO BE TRUE – EDMURE – IT PROBABLY IS. Brynden Tully has it right – Edmure is a FOOL.
Sidenote – Filch’s face was PRICELESS when everyone saw how gorgeous Roslin was. He was all, “that’s right, ROBB, look what you could’ve had.”
Then, freaking Talisa had to go tell Robb that, “ohh I have a baby in me and if it’s a boy, imma gonna name it Eddard. After the dumbest man in Westeros.” Foreshadowing much? Doesn’t everyone know by now? George RR Martin lifts us up until we soar. And then, HE CUTS US DOWN LIKE THE MANIAC THAT HE IS.
I refuse! I reject all that warm-fuzzies! I refuse to let you, evil GoT producers, make me root for this happy couple when I know that you have sent them to the Twins to DIE. (I couldn’t help it though – my heart got all gooey at the thought of Baby Eddard and Papa Robb riding horses together.)
AND THEN, Walder Frey showed the world that he is THE WORST WEDDING PLANNER, EVER. It started with The Rains of Castamere floating down from the wedding violins. Suspicious… Then, Catelyn Stark discovers the chainmail under Roose Bolton’s clothes (THAT TRAITOROUS BASTARD). More suspicious… Well, you guys know the rest:
This is how I feel:
JUST LET IT END. PLEASE.
That scene is a watershed moment in TV history. Nothing before it has ever been more devastating to watch. And the long silence at the end, as Catelyn had her throat sliced open? Thats the kind of stuff that will haunt your dreams. Michelle Fairley deserves an Emmy for that monologue.
At this point, I really dont give two hoots about the rest of the episode.
Jon leaves Ygritte because he couldn’t kill some innocent old horse-farmer guy.
You’re telling me, sister. That’s the face I made when George RR Martin smacked me repeatedly in the face with Robb’s death.
Daenerys (or should I say, Daario) conquers Yunkai. Grey Worm is a TOTAL BAD ASS (good investment, Khaleesi).
Jorah’s not so bad either. Daario’s scyth caused sympathy pains in my abdominal region every time he disemboweled a Yunkish guard. Watch them in their full glory:
Uh, something happened with Bran. Little Rickon, whom I thought was mentally-challenged, spoke more lines in this episode that I’ve heard him speak all series. And little Arry has a case of “gosh darn it, I missed them again!”
It was a brutal episode. Alas, my fellow Thronies, we have made it to the other side, minus one Young Wolf. It really sucks to be a Stark in Westeros right now.
And this makes me want to smother my sorrows in Gippsland blueberry yoghurt:
BONUS – I really need to feel better right now, so enjoy this adorable photo posted up by the Queen Regent of Twitter. Let’s all pray for the well-being of Tyrion. I can’t bear to lose another.