I KNOW… The episode aired two weeks ago. What is wrong with me?!
I’ll tell you what – me watching the brutal slaughter of Robb Stark and his brethren was like an alcoholic going on a bender of Charlie-Sheen-like proportions, only to awake in a puddle of pills and puke. I needed to check into the George RR Martin Clinic for Recovering Viewers for a fortnightly stint. I’m faring better, folks, so here’s the jam:
Our ever-noble, King of the North
Last week, I was all a-twitter, asking “Where’s wolf-head Robb? Are they going to show it?” I thought it would be so disappointing to miss out on this spectacularly gruesome detail from the novel. The opening of the episode served it up, nice and cold. Nothing was more infuriating and distressing than the sight of Grey Wind’s head however, skewered, out of Robb’s body. It made me want to crush skulls and eviscerate men. Smack that shit on a poster and you’ll have your martyr for the North. I guarantee it’d be more effective recruiting soldiers than Uncle Sam and his pointer finger. (E.g. just watch Arya stab the shit out of that guy who was bragging about sticking the wolf-head onto Robb)
A good deal more gruesome than I expected it to be. Its a testament to the Game of Thrones effects team that shit like this doesn’t throw me as much anymore. I feel like a proper Westerosi denizen – “Yeah, sure, I see mutilated king’s corpses all the time – no biggie. Adding that wolf head was an asshole move though.”
Its sweet to see Sansa warming to Tyrion. Peter Dinklage truly embodies the decency and hopeful loneliness of a lifelong outcast. The two of them plotting to “sheep-shift” Desmond Crakehall is adorbs. You get the feeling that Sansa is the little girl, strolling with Mummy and Daddy in the gardens (Mummy being Tyrion’s whore-mistress and Daddy being her hubby, Tyrion).
When Varys tried to bribe Shae to go away though, its admirable that she chucked it in his face. It felt a little bit soap opera-esque though. I can’t get down with Shae, for some reason.
Isn’t Joffrey just the most annoying little prick? He’s like that kid at school who is a total cowardly douchebag, bullying the poor kids because his Daddy is richer than theirs. Can someone smack his smug face already? OH WAIT, Tyrion already did that. Let’s enjoy:
Epic LOLs. Too bad he can’t do that anymore. He’d probably get his hands chopped off and be forced to eat them or something nasty like that. Joffrey is a sicko. That whole “I want to serve Sansa Robb’s head”? WHERE DOES HE GET THIS STUFF? Cersei – what kind of XXX snuff films did you show him as a child?!
Anyway, that whole Small Council scene was SO MUCH YES!
God, there is SO MUCH AWESOME going on in this scene. Case in point:
“Monsters are dangerous and, just now, kings are dying like flies.” – WUH-WUUUT?!
“The King is tired. See him to his chambers.” – Run along now, widdle Joffrey-poo, before you get a proper spanking. My god, if I had Tywin Lannister as my gramps, I’d be pissing myself.
“Explain to me why it is more noble to slaughter 10,000 men in battle than a dozen at dinner.” – I’m totally down with that School of Tywin’s Art of War.
But, dayummm, Tywin. That man be COLD. Tyrion: “When have you ever done something […] solely for the benefit of the family?” / Tywin: “The day that you were born!”
THAT HAS GOT TO STING. I’m giving out free hugs, Tyrion. Come claim.
Bran, The Little Man
Blah, blah, the North is cold. Blah-de-blah, don’t kill a guest under your roof! Its bad ju-ju! Yes, be more obvious, HBO-GoT writer’s room. At least we have Walder Frey’s comeuppance to look forward to.
I actually thought it was pretty cool when Bran met up with Fat Sam and Gilly. It felt like cross-over fanfic! Can you imagine how sweet its going to be when Khaleesi gets her groove on with Jon Snow or something? EPIC.
The Traitorous Twosome: Walder & Roose
Whenever I say the name “Walder”, my brain automatically thinks “Balder Walder”. I HOPE THE REST OF YOUR HAIR FALLS OUT, YOU FILTHY TRAITOR!
Watching Balder Walder and Roose conspiring together, like they’re some epic martial geniuses, makes the bile rise in my throat. It’s clear to everyone but Walder Frey that no one respects him any more now than before. Just look at Roose’s patronising sneer. I hope Roose is stuck with that blithering idiot forever, like the Pinky to his Brain.
So, I’m guessing Theon got a proper gelding. Ouch.
This made me giggle like a tween. Then, I immediately felt slightly disgusted with myself. Is it just me or does he kinda look like the dark-twisted doppelgänger of Samwise Gamgee?
That bastard Ramsay and Joffrey should get together. They’d be great mates, with their fondness for dismembering people and sending various body parts to their families’.
The Fleabottom Boys
Yay for hometown solidarity! Davos rescuing Gendry was all kinds of touching. I get these pangs of concern for Davos though. He’s acting very Ned Stark-y. I don’t want his head rolling around anytime soon.
This felt very crossover-fanfic to me as well. Its like that feeling you get when you meet someone from your hometown when you’re overseas. That massive “OMG, I DONT KNOW YOU BUT YOU MUST BE COOL BCUZ YOU’RE FROM HOME! LETS BE BFFS 4EVA (or, at least until the end of my trip)!”
Can I just reiterate how handsome Joe Dempsie now looks compared to his druggie-Chris from Skins days?
YEAAAAHHHH GURL, SHOOT THAT BASTARD DOWN!!! It took me a while to get on Team Ygritte, but I’ve never loved her more than this moment.
Okay, she’s a whole lot of cray-cray. Like, her and Taylor Swift could be best buds. What she did reminded me of Carrie Underwood’s ultimate ‘bitch-be-crazy!’ anthem. But nevertheless, Jon Snow was a bit of a dick-tool. He got in there, made her love him with all his lovey-talk, then he just rode off. TOOL.
“I am the Khaleesi, and you will do as I say!”
You mark my words, she is going to rule Westeros and the Eastern Kingdoms. LOOK AT HER, getting lifted up on people’s shoulder’s and shit. That is RELIGIOUS FANATICISM. She is the JESUS of Game of Thrones. She is MHYSA!!!
BONUS – Everyone has seen this on Buzzfeed, but it made me snort big-time into my lunch. This is Game of Throne’s, according to some random’s dad. ENJOY:
EXTRA BONUS – Shout out to Daniel Shpeizer for the kick up the arse. You post this stuff onto the Interwebs, hoping that it doesn’t get sucked up into the void of Internet-crap where pedos and lolcats reside. Thanks for letting me know that I’m not alone. All I can say is: