Beware, your inner child is about to start bouncing up and down like an idiot.
Beware, your inner child is about to start bouncing up and down like an idiot.
True Blood is giving me stockholder syndrome, I tell you. I know its being bad to me, but I can’t help getting attached every time it throws me a morsel of good.
Der Führer, Sarah Newlin
AUGHHHH, Sarah Newlin! Don’t smooch up The Governor’s dismembered head!! Its just soo… unsanitary.
Seriously, though – Anna Camp and her crazy eyes make me want to either (a) run screaming into the hills for fear of bible-thumpers with pitchforks, or (b) worship at the altar of her batshitty-ness.
I can’t quite tell if her religious zeal is genuine or if she just uses it as a weapon to gain power. Probably a bit of both. It seems that her once pure beliefs were corrupted into running rampant with so-called ‘glorious purpose’. There is nothing scarier than a power-hungry zealot. Case in point, her mad-genius plan is to hide the Governor’s death so that she can be the sole mouthpiece of the vampire-extermination political machine. How twisted is that?
She is one scary bitch.
Danger Whore’s Post-Coital Proposal
Their post-coital cuddling session looks like Instagram swallowed it whole and spat it out with a ‘Hipsterize’ filter.
Oh Warlow, don’t go getting all girly on Sookie. One-time garden fairy sex does not guarantee an eternity of commitment. I know she’s your predestined fairy queen and all, but Robert Kazinsky – you can do better than Danger Whore. Leave her to her bloody orgastic Bon Temps circus and escape into another dimension before she drags you through her stinking pile of drama.
Mourning Terry Bellefleur
Whenever Carrie Preston deigns to grace True Blood with her electric performances, I’m reminded of why my love-hate relationship with True Blood frequently errs toward gleeful, guiltless love. She is such a joy to watch. She has that magic ability to make you feel devastated in one moment and then spin it into hilarity in the next. I love her even when she’s dissing Lafayette as a “voodoo queer”. MOARR ARLENE!!
Sex and Stockholder Syndrome at Camp Auschvamp
First off – HAH! I knew that our Vamp in Shining Armour, James, would be back for some Baby Vamp lovin’. Did I call it, or did I call it? Okay, to be fair, probably everyone ‘called it’. Regardless, I’m thoroughly satisfied to have our Vampire Knight back. I really like him and Jessica together – its all very ‘supernatural teen romance novel’. Given, he looks a bit too much like Taylor Hanson for me. Nevertheless, I’m sure he’ll MmmBop his way into Ms Hamby’s ‘heart’.
While Jessica gets all gooey over Vampire Knight, I think Jason is the unsung hero here. Did you see his face when she asked him for some “privacy”? You could practically see the gears in his brain grinding to keep up with the implications. Dear, sweet, Jason Stackhouse. He’s a bit like Hodor with a hot body. Sure, hes been misguided a few times during the series, but he’s grown into such a well-meaning and kind-hearted person. Jason Stackhouse is so adorbs, even if he’s a bit on the daft side.
Sex is certainly the currency of trade at Camp Auschvamp. I’m simultaneously impressed and reviled by Pam’s employment of her significant talents to manipulate the schlobby pervert therapist. Pam is so devious. I love her. Poor thing for having to resort to his gluggy, cholesterol-clogged blood though.
The Vampire Chronicles: Interview with Eric Northman
You know that sepia-toned flashback where we see Eric Northman all done up like The Vampire Lestat, encountering human Nora for the first time back in plague-ridden England? This is what we needed last season to generate sympathy for Nora. Now, I freakin’ adore Nora. Was that your intention, writer-room? Make us love Nora before she disintegrates into a goopy pile of vampire innards? Dicks.
In all seriousness, the Eric-Nora story arc in this episode was surprisingly moving. All the credit must go to Alexander Skarsgard (and yes, Lucy Griffiths for her baleful blue doe-eyes). True Blood doesn’t really give him much else to do other than strike threatening poses and drop sarcastic one-liners. It must’ve been nice for him to stretch his legs dramatically. He’s been on the brink of breaking out for a few years now. I really hope some casting director watches this and decides to put him in a movie where he’s more than “the broody dangerous sexy guy”. He’s the son of Stellan frickin’ Skarsgard, people! That’s some fine acting thoroughbred genes he’s got there. I beseech you, Internet denizens – let him be associated with better roles than Edward Cullen 2.0 in Fifty Shades of Grey.
It was absolutely gut-wrenching to watch him to clutch desperately to Nora as she (literally) fell apart in his arms. Please let this mean that this cues psycho-Eric. I’d love to watch him get genocidal on those racist motherf*ckers.
CONCLUSION: What was that? I still don’t give a shit about werewolves and shifters? Oh, yes, that’s correct.
The trailer is as schizophrenic as my reaction to it was. I’m oscillating between “WTF is this bullshit” and “YEAH!! Looks neato burrito!”
As far as I can tell, 47 Ronin looks like a genre mash-up / bloody revenge fantasy. Keanu Reeves plays a half-breed Neo sought out by the 47 Ronin for his “The One”-esque abilities. They need him to save the world as they know it from Asian Maleficent, played by Rinko Kikuchi (Kinko Rikuchi? Kinki Rikichi?). Sounds familiar, but since its likely meant to pay homage to our favourite nerdy genre tropes, one can’t really get too irritated.
In the spirit of supporting my Asian brethren – AWWWW YISSSSSS!!! A badass Hollywood blockbuster (its budget was $200m+) featuring a predominantly Asian cast. That’s what I call WINNING!
Rinko Kukich- I mean, Rinko KIKUCHI – is coming off a geek-high from Pacific Rim. God, I love her. I vote YES to demon dragon-lady Kikuchi.
It’s that famous token Jap guy from the Last Samurai and a selection of other Westernized Asian films! Whoo! (For reals, Hiroyuki Sanada is the beezneez).
Mash-ups! We love genre mash-ups! (Well, if they’re good.)
Its gleefully bloodlustful atmosphere reminds me a bit of Tarantino. Its Django with Samurai swords, people.
Visually – its fuckin’ stunning. The rolling vistas, the intricate costuming, the moody cinematography. I love watching beautiful things. I’ll like something if its fuckin’ gorgeous even if it lacks substance. I’m superficial that way.
That’s some shitty trailer cutting. Why are they using metallic lettering from Transformers?
“An Outcast … Exiled.” That’s just bad English. An outcast is by definition someone who has been exiled. Mega tautology.
That dragon looks kinda danky. I get the concept – the traditional Chinese mythical dragon. I just hope it looks a lot better than that plastic green parasite I saw roll across my laptop screen.
Ugh, Keanu. Why do you open your mouth? Let us just appreciate those great genes that have seemingly halted all signs of physical ageing.
Let’s be honest, its not going to be Shakespeare. This isn’t going to be a complex intellectual exercise exploring the poetry of Classical Chinese literary themes. But the concept is fun, I love me some Asians kicking ass, and it looks delightfully action-packed.
I am someone that liked 300 and The Immortals. Hell, I even quite enjoyed Sucker Punch at times. I wrote off Pacific Rim due to a similar “WTF is this shit” reaction. I’m not likely to make that mistake again. As painful as it will be watching Keanu figure out how to use his words, I’m sure I’ll find something to like about 47 Ronin.
Louis is like that wannabe girl in high school that, no matter what she does, is still unpopular. Haven’t you realised by now Louis? The dynamic duo of Harvey + Mike will never be a triumvirate. You’re the Jenny Humphrey to their Blair and Serena. Strike out on your own Louis! I guarantee you there are other, more worthy people out there who would kill to join Team Litt.
That’s right, Louis. I want to be LITT UP.
Wooing for Team Litt
Louis Litt is my man. He’s come a long way from the vindictive, snivelling, two-faced coward in Season 1 and bloomed into the most sympathetic, eccentric, and well-developed character of Suits. His hairy behind has weaselled its way into my heart and established domicile. Poor Louis Litt was that kid that was bullied for being strange and socially-retarded in high school.
Who are we kidding? Pearson Hardman, now Pearson Darby, is high school with better clothes. Louis is still a Mathlete that loiters creepily around the drama club. Harvey is still the head jock / honour-roll student / bad boy prom king that snogs all the girls.
That’s why, when Nigel made an appearance, I was so thrilled. FINALLY, someone whose obsessive-compulsion and social-ineptitude matched the Litt level. But of course, after being betrayed so many times, Louis couldn’t recognise a true potential friend when he saw one. Its really quite sad. Not only did Nigel take his uni-balls and his bran bars, but taking the associates? That is LOW.
At least Louis got to experience his very own Dead Poets Society moment.
Bless Mike. All Louis wants is an ‘in’ with the cool kids. He just wants his own bro to romance.
Watching him and Louis tackle Eminent Domain this week was like watching the beginnings of a beautiful love story. The wining and dining. The steak. The cheesecake. The mud room – oh God, who could forget the glorious mud room.
Mike and Louis would’ve been a great team.
Mr & Mrs Specter
Alas, Louis could never stand in the way of true love. By that, of course, I mean Harvey Specter and his beleaguered bro-wife, Mike Ross.
As much as I want Mike and Louis to hook up, you can’t deny that Harvey and Mike are perfection. They are Ted & Marshall, they are Turk & J.D., they are Joey & Chandler, they are freaking Lucius Vorenus & Titus Pullo (“THIRTEENTH!!!!”). In sharply-tailored suits, of course.
That’s why it felt pretty frivolous watching Harvey and Donna meangirl Mike for two episodes.
They weren’t ever, ever, ever not going to get back together.
The Fungus Couple
Speaking of star-crossed lovers, I’ve never really been down with the Mike & Rachel connection. They were always kind of blah to me. It started off with him being all “ooh she’s so hot, she’s so feisty”, but then he got with Jenny. But he still flirted with Rachel. And then broke it off with Jenny. Started dating Rachel. But then broke it off with Rachel because he ‘couldn’t lie to her’. And she found out he’s a total fraud and liar. And she still takes him back?! Like, what up, Rachel? I thought you were a smart, empowered lady! He cheats and lies, but because he has innocent blue eyes and is supposedly well-endowed, its all totally peachy-keen?
(Haha, I just wanted an excuse to post that. Donna is mah guuurrrlll *snaps fingers while tossing hair around*.)
But whatever. I guess if writers are insisting that Mike & Rachel are the next Ross and Rachel (hoho Mike ROSS), then fine – I’ll get with the program. I guess they’re kinda growing on me. Like a FUNGUS.
UGHHH FINE, I CONCEDE. That was pretty cute.
Don’t you hate it when Mommy and Daddy fight
While we’re evaluating couples, its so troubling when the ultimate power couple fights. By that, I mean Harvey and Jessica. Its like when Blair and Chuck fight – you can almost sense the looming apocalypse.
The world just ain’t right when they’re not scheming together. Let’s just acknowledge right now how the whole of Episode 2 was an allegory foreshadowing the potential double-crossing Harvey will be enacting on Jessica. I get it, she went behind his back. But don’t you think you’re being a little childish, Harvey? It was always her firm and if she needed a merger to survive, that’s her business. There’s a reason she can’t trust you, Harvey. You’re a loose cannon and now, you’re just proving her right with your recklessness and impulsiveness. Oh no, you didn’t get what you want. Boo frickin hoo. Let’s topple my patron and mentor because she put me in my place.
I love you Gabriel Macht, but you’re going to have to work really hard this season if you want me to keep supporting Team Harvey at the rate he’s going.
FYI – JESSICA PEARSON IS MY IDOL. This is my life plan: I shall be Jessica Pearson at 40, and Diane Lockhart at 50. I’ve clearly thought things through.
Jessica Pearson is one hot bitch with hella style, but wtf was she wearing in Episode 1? It was like she got cold and wrapped a dirty Ace bandage around her shoulders.
Game of Thrones suits up
You know who’s another hot bitch? Corporate Catelyn Stark. Whooo! You go, Michelle Fairley. Who knew Mrs Stark had such a rockin’ bod under all those furs.
You just know that Corporate Varys got her to hook-up. You know why Conleth Hill always plays a sneaky mofo? Because he does it with such charm and pizazz.
CONCLUSION: Can we stop the back-stabbing, guys? As we’ve just seen with Harvey and Mike, Jessica and Harvey will return to being the Brangelina of corporate law in no time. Let’s everyone go back to the status quo because any episode where anyone is scheming behind each others back is one wasted where they could’ve been awesomely taking down some slimy dickbag. Like Dominic. Ugh.
Silver lining? SUITS IS BACK! YAY!
Have any of you girls ever had shiny bright fairy-light emanate from your crotch when you orgasmed? Hmm, no? Yeah, me neither. Maybe I should look into this ‘being a fairy’ thing.
I’m pretty sure that 99.9% of the female True Blood audience is properly in love with Warlow by now. Especially after watching him pull a Prince Charming when rescuing Sookie’s drowning fairy butt:
That’s it. I’m done. Sorry, guys. I am very firmly on Team Warlow. Actually, I am Team Robert Kazinsky! Can’t decide what’s hotter – Robert Kazinsky rescuing fairy princess over here or Robert Kazinsky pummelling Kaiju ass in Pacific Rim.
You know, everyone gave Bella Swan a lot of shit for setting a bad example for young girls. Sookie Stackhouse makes Bella Swan look like Mother freakin’ Teresa.
Billith The Barely Functional
Can we just skip ahead to the part where Billith rescues vampire-kind already? He was made out to be all-powerful and shiz at the beginning of the season. So far, all he’s done is sit around weeping blood and kidnap a bunch of teenage fairy sluts.
I guess ripping off the Governor’s head is a step in the right direction.
Okayy, and him walking around in sunlight, impervious to bullets, mind-fucking guards and stuff. All that was pretty cool too.
Although, did he really just kill, and thus martyr, the one guy he could use for political gain? Nice one, dude. In the words of The Sister, BILL IS REALLY BAD AT BEING A VAMPIRE GOD.
Beeteedubs, Lillith’s downstairs wig was so bushy that you could see it straight through her dress. Was that really necessary, hair department?
First off – THANK YOU FOR NOT KILLING ERIC AND PAM. I would like to renew my True Blood loyalty card. Pfft, Pam and Eric turning on each other? NEVAAARRR!!! Booyah, Newlins!
One question though – how did Pam get her hands on the eyeliner and lipstick? Is there a daily make-up ration at Camp Auschvamp? Or does Pam get special treatment because that schlubby pervert therapist has a thing for her?
This week, we discover that Sarah Newlin has clearly lost her marbles.
I guess having sex with a gay guy, an old guy, and then a vampire-lovin’ guy can have that effect on you. After trying to orchestrate the Eric-Pam Gladiator Showdown, she tries to get her revenge on Jason by making him sit through a ‘copulation study’ between a valiant vampire named James and our innocent baby vamp, Jess.
I know it was blatant emotional manipulation, but watching James steadfastly refuse to rape Jessica for their ‘research purposes’, even under pain of UV torture, really pulled at my delicate heartstrings. I know its an obvious allegory for highlighting ‘who the real monsters are’, but whatever. James was soppy dude, but I think Jessica needs some soppy sweetness right about now.
Seriously though, writers, can we please get James to come back for more episodes? I’m sensing a prison love-story here, folks.
Aw man, I really miss Jessica and Hoyt. Her and Jason Stackhouse just isn’t right. Although, kudos to Jason for using his noodle and talking his way into the LAVTF! Who would’ve thunk it. Jason Stackhouse, The Con Man.
Well, those racist fucks are also evil motherfuckers because contaminating the vampire food source with a bio-engineered virus is some malevolent Nazi shit. How is the rest of America so happy dandy with Louisiana on the brink of mass genocide? Seriously, Obama – don’t tell me the NSA doesn’t have hard-drives packed with files about Truman Burrell and his twisted vamp camp.
Oh yeah, and they killed off Nora (please, guys, of course she’s going to die). I guess that’s sad. For Eric.
Not to be insensitive, but I really do enjoy it when Eric tries to be human:
Can we just skip to the part where Billith tears apart the vamp camp Tru Blood facility with his bare hands already? (Or better yet, with his fancy new mind powers!)
R.I.P. Terry Bellefleur
Terry and Arlene were my favourite couple. Yes, even amongst the gamut of intense supernatural lovin’, Terry and Arlene – Tarlene (?) – were the true golden couple. Never mind that Terry had a gnarly case of PTSD that left him mentally debilitated fifty percent of the time. Never mind that Arlene is a divorcee single mother wrapped in a glossy layer of turquoise velour and white trash.
Their relationship was one founded on mutual trust and respect (unlike so many others on the show). After all, a couple that hides a murder together is one that stays together (not that I’m advocating homicide.) In the end, True Blood has lost its one and only proper love story.
We’ll miss you, Terry Bellefleur.
*Sniff* Can we all just remember happier times?
And the best title of the Season goes to…. “Fuck The Pain Away”!
Ironic, since there’s very little fucking going on. Especially considering that its True Blood that we’re watching.
The Fairy Princess
Why does everything dramatic have to happen to Sookie? Its like what Ron Weasley very astutely observed about Harry Potter’s misfortunes: “Why is it always you?”
Let’s summarise the ‘bombshells’ that we’ve gathered throughout this episode. (I resisted writing this recap for the longest time purely to annoy The Sister, as she kept scurrying around the apartment screaming about how many ‘bombshells’ were dropped this week and how I needed to watch it so I could geek out with her.)
1. Sookie is a Fairy Princess.
2. Warlow is her betrothed. Together, they are meant to save the fairy race. Or, create a new fairy-vamp hybrid race?
3. Sookie’s dad has a lot in common with Medea and her infanticidal ways. Basically, he reckons that dead child > vamp child.
4. Warlow killed Sookie’s parents to stop them from killing her.
5. Lafayette channels Sookie’s dad, who possesses his body and tries to kill Sookie again.
On the shit side – UGHH SOOKIE. Sookie is so annoying. Can’t all this exciting stuff happen to someone else? Anyone else? Not only must all the hot men fall in love with Sookie and her fairy vagina, but she has to be frickin’ Fairy Royalty as well? As if she doesn’t think she’s special enough.
On the plus side – Robert Kazinsky is a babe. It’s a bit fan-fiction-y for him to be her immortal knight in shining armour, fighting for her life and love through the centuries and dimensions, yada, yada. Nevertheless, I’m totally feeling it. It might have something to do with the fact that Rob Kazinsky is totally dreamy. (For more evidence, please see Rob Kazinsky in Pacific Rim as a sexy robot pilot.)
Has anyone noticed how… uh… bushy Lillith’s lower department is? Is there someone on the True Blood crew specially assigned to wrangling her merkin? Like, “Hi, I’m Doris. I’m going to be your Pubic Wig Stylist today!” I get it, though. She’s, like, super old and European (?) so going au naturel is the only way to go. It’s just awkward because its so obvious that its a wig. You can see clearly the boundaries of the piece. Its like the True Blood hair department was over-budget and someone decided it was a smart idea to glue Bert from Sesame Street’s hair piece over her crotch instead.
Okay, sorry. I’ve just spent an uncomfortable amount of words discussing Lillith’s vagina-wig.
The only sexing we get in this episode is Lilith awkwardly raping a primitive Warlow (Rob Kazinsky with a bad wig of his own).
Yeah, Billith chomping down on Jesus-haired Warlow was kinda awkward. Chick Lillith was fully sexed up on Warlow. Now that Bill is Billith, there’s the whole homoerotic element playing out again.. Is is just me, or has anyone else noticed that Warlow is getting frisky with a lot of the True Blood men? I guess Sookie can only hook up with so many of them before we get bored.
To summarise, Billith can command Warlow as his maker because he has Lillith’s blood essence in him. He tries to command Warlow to help him save vampire kind. Warlow tells him to get fucked.
Warlow is now one of my fave characters.
Writers, please hear this – Billith sucks. Bring back Bill Compton!
Firstly, Anna Camp is THE BEST. If ever you need a self-righteous priss with a hidden crazy/bitch streak, she’s your girl. Case in point – Anna Camp as Caitlin in The Good Wife, as Bethany Van Nuys in Mad Men, as Vomiting Acappella Queen in Pitch Perfect, as Southern Belle-Bitch in The Help. She’s really carved a niche for herself.
She’s fucked a gay guy. She’s fucked an old guy. Now, she’s fucked a vampire-lovin’ guy. She really has shitty luck with men. Oh wait, she’s a hateful bigot. Nvm. Let’s hope she comes across an actual vampire guy at some point. She deserves some comeuppance.
This episode, we are introduced to Vamp Camp. Its very Auschwitz meets Shawshank Redemption meets Girl, Interrupted in a shiny Hunger Games Capitol facility. Honestly, I think its the most creative the writer’s have been all season. We can only stomach so much of Sookie’s love dramas before we crave something a bit different.
The vampires picked up by the LAVTF are shipped to this facility where they become test subjects. It serves as a research facility as well as a holding prison for vamp kind in the South.
The vampires are sorted into four tiers according to intelligence. The elite are studied in psychotherapy sessions while the rest undergo tests ranging from physical endurance to, uh, coital prowess. Meanwhile, the rest are detained in communal mess areas where everyone tries their darndest not to get Shawshanked.
After Pam gets caught, Eric and Tara turn themselves in. Jessica gets nabbed after running into Conservative nutjob Anna Camp at Jason’s.
Eric proves to be a bad ass at retrieving rubber balls and shooting people. Pam gets psychoanalyzed by a pervy therapist who likes to watch her drink blood out of exotic Asian bloodbank, Som Chai. Jessica whimpers like a Baby Vamp to Tara (get it together, Jess).
And then, the twisted vamp-hating bigots decide to get Gladiator on Eric and Pam.
Let me just make this clear – if Eric or Pam dies in the next episode, I REFUSE TO CONTINUE WATCHING.
Plea to the Writers: Notice how there is no mention about Werewolves or Shifters? On principle, I refuse to write about those of whom I care little. Do your TV show a favour on focus on the supernatural group people actually care about. RAH RAH VAMPIRES! (Okay, I guess you can write a little about Sookie so long as you promise that you’ll focus on Warlow and his shirtless scenes.)
I’m the type of person who likes to hear the bad news before sweetening up my life with a bit of the good stuff. So lets get the pain out of the way:
1. Stereotypical character tropes – there’s the wise black commander dude, the feisty Asian chick, the wildcard beefcake hero…etc etc
2. Awkward pseudo-love story undertones between the wildcard beefcake and the feisty Asian (at least it was inter-racial)
3. Hammy dialogue. Like, very hammy dialogue. (Beefcake to Asian: “C’mon, c’mon! Let’s do this… TOGETHER!”)
Now that we’ve eaten our veggies, let’s gobble up some yummy sweets.
I’ll be honest, I gave Pacific Rim a lot of shit when the first trailer came out. What did I say again? “The Transformers Take Cloverfield”? I suppose I also said some other colourful stuff involving Michael Bay, JJ Abrams, and poop. I forget.
After further consideration, I respectfully forego my preconceived notions and pledge my allegiance to the kingdom of nerditude. In other words, sorry for being a dick, Guillermo, because your movie effing ROCKS.
This summer blockbuster season has been promised to be filmic candy-land: Iron Man, Man of Steel, Wolverine, Monster University etc etc. All season though, everything has either been hitting below par or merely meeting expectations. Pacific Rim has outstripped my (admittedly, low) expectations unlike any other. I said that it was arriving at the butt-end of the blockbuster season, didn’t I? Instead of being part of the superhero discard pile, little did I expect that Pacific Rim was the freaking clean-up batter for the entire round-up.
Pacific Rim tells the story of Earth’s epic battle against extra-terrestrial monster invaders called Kaiju (“strange beast” in Japanese) that rise out of cosmic portal located at the bottom of the Pacific Ocean. These deadly leviathans can level whole cities, and that’s exactly what they proceed to do to the coastal population centres encircling the Pacific Rim. The Kaiju were sent to exterminate mankind to make way for alien colonists.
After realising the futility of conventional warfare, the world’s leadership unites to form the Pan Pacific Defense Corps. In a stroke of fantasy-level collaboration, everyone overcomes their political differences (except probably North Korea, because Kim Jong-Un is a spoiled prick) to pour their resources into humanity’s final solution – The Jaeger Programme. Meaning ‘hunter’ in German, the Jaegers are colossal military mechas powered by two human drivers through a neural link-up. With these super-weapons in our arsenal, humanity finally starts kicking some ass.
After a few years of being badass, the aliens adapt and send out their bigger guns. Jaeger losses are at an all-time high when world leaders decide to shut down the programme in favour of something a little more stupid. In an epic move of bureaucratic dick-baggery, our wise leaders decide that a “coastal wall” is the solution to our problems.
However, after a Category 3 Kaiju blows straight through the coastal wall around Sydney, Australia in a matter of hours, this prompts the remaining Jaeger rangers to form a resistance. They plan a last-ditch assault on the alien portal with a skeleton staff of lone ranger gunslinger types. A plan involving nukes. How could it go wrong?! Thus, shenanigans ensue. Oh man, do shenanigans frickin’ ensue.
First of all, this movie made me irrationally proud of being human. HUMANITY, FUCK YEAH! I felt a little bit like I was in the bleachers for a massive football game – HUMANS VS ASSHOLE ALIENS. Go Team Human!!!
Secondly, Pacific Rim is an exercise in human innovation and passion. In the years of late, the film horizon has been littered with blockbuster tentpoles that are pale imitations of Nolan’s Dark Knight trilogy. I was getting incredibly sick of the dark-cynical-gritties that Hollywood was churning out at an astonishing rate.
Del Toro’s Pacific Rim is a colourful and imaginative entity. Most importantly, it is a completely original one. When was the last time we saw a movie of this scale that wasn’t based on a comic book, a novel, or a fucking Hasbro toy?
The universe of Pacific Rim is so expansive and so richly fleshed-out. Not since Underworld (before the slew of piece-of-crap sequels) has a filmmaker been rewarded for daring to tackle a such a visionary canon in a little under two-hours on the big screen. Maybe it was for this reason that I felt a flutter of nostalgia for the good old days when movies were original properties and not just some adaptation of the latest YA faux-Twilight craze.
What’s even better is that Pacific Rim manages to pay homage to the genre of Japanese Kaiju without ripping off scenes and monsters from other films (yes, I’m talking to you Tarantino). Despite the mostly god-awful dialogue and the paper-thin characters, it felt like I was living a well-crafted throwback graphic novel. We have our heroes and we have our monsters, and that’s that. (Plus, I’ve been watching a lot of SyFy’s special effects makeup reality competition, Face Off, which has given me a newfound appreciation for creature design.)
Let’s admit, though, that the majority of the reason for why I’m letting the shitty character development fly is because Guillermo Del Toro assembled a cast that’s got charisma leaking out of their eyeballs.
Charlie Hunnam as Raleigh Becket, aka. Beefcake Loose Cannon
Beefcake Charlie was more of a cypher than he was a character. I overlook that because I’ve liked Charlie since I saw Nicholas Nickleby on The Hallmark Channel. Perhaps that’s not the best testament to his acting talents. He was awesome as that Civil War douchebag in Cold Mountain. Unfortunately, I haven’t seen Sons of Anarchy, but he’s probably good in that too because he’s good at everything. Random note, ‘Beefcake Charlie’ would be a great name for home-style fast food joint.
Rinko Kikuchi as Mako Mori, aka. Feisty Asian Badass
Props to the writer/director for NOT turning her into exotic Asian sex kitten with heeled boots and bootie shorts. There was only so much stereotyping I could handle. Rinko is awesome, mainly because she’s my Asian brethren and I feel irrationally supportive. Yay for Asians in big blockbusters! I could’ve done without the awkward sort-of-but-not-really love story with Beefcake Charlie though. But then again, we totes need more inter-racial lovin’ on screens, folks!
Idris Elba as Stacker Pentecost, aka. British Nick Fury
Idris Elba is such a badass. He is the token wise black dude that Morgan Freeman has made a career out of. He walks around, dropping corny bits of sage wisdom. However, the lame dialogue somehow turns to honeyed gold when it falls out of his mouth. That man could turn a Damon Lindelof script into Shakespeare with his voice alone. If this acting thing doesn’t work out, I suggest going into vocal acting for e-books. In all seriousness, he imbued the character with a depth and gravitas that obviously didn’t exist in the script. I would totally follow this man into war.
Rob Kazinsky as Chuck Hansen, aka. Cocky Douchebag Golden-Boy
I’m gonna be upfront – I’m really biased because I’m falling in love with Rob Kazinsky on True Blood. He’s so bloody earnest. So, it was actually incredibly jarring when he plays an asshole in Pacific Rim. Chuck Hansen is the cocky ranger with the best Kaiju kill-record. He pilots the Australian Jaeger, Strike Eureka, with his papa, Hercules Hansen (yeah, no joke, his name is Hercules. I can’t laugh because I have a cousin named Achilles). He’s the Val Kilmer character in Top Gun, that starts off disliking Charlie Hunnam’s Tom Cruise, but then starts acknowledging him as an equal once he proves himself. Credit where its due – him and Max Martini (who plays his dad, Hercules) have the sole scene in the film that might be remotely capable of spurring a real emotion in the audience. Its at the end, and its kinda sad / touching. On a brighter note, Australian outback represent!!
Diego Klattenhoff as Yancy Becket, aka. Brother Beefcake
*SPOILER* (Heed the spoiler warning lest you wish to be eaten by a Kaiju)
OMG Guillermo! How could you kill of Shane Oman / Mike from Homeland within the first 5 mins of the movie?! He is the bomb! But yeah, that’s right, Raleigh Becket’s brother is SHANE OMAN FROM MEAN GIRLS. HAHAHAHA. Random note: I’ve always found Diego Klattenhoff’s name so weird. Diego is Spanish, Klattenhoff sounds German, and he looks Irish. Its SO confusing to me.
Charlie Day and Burn Gorman as Doctors Geiszler and Gottleib, aka. Comic Relief
Their the odd-couple crack research team. We have the fly-by-the-pants scientist rockstar, Charlie Day, providing a foil to Burn Gorman’s, straight-laced British professor. They bicker. They do funny stuff. They become friends despite their differences. The Internet writes gay fiction about them. Yup. That’s how humanity rolls.
This is the cast that pop culture geeks are vibin’ with. They’re all from popular TV shows, they’re all kinda under the radar, and they’re all totally awesome. (Plus, Ron Perlman makes a sweet cameo to remind the world why he’s the best.)
Everything from the cast, to the concept, to the frickin’ monsters – everything feels like Guillermo has made a film just for us movie nerds in the world. It could’ve been a hot, hot mess (and some parts were). However, Pacific Rim isa testament to the fact that there are still some filmmakers out there who geek out to the same shit we do and are willing to invest millions into creating a high-quality movie for the fans.
How do I know that I loved this movie? Well, when I got home, I spent 2 hours perusing the Pacific Rim wiki, researching everything from the name of the sick-ass Kaiju with the wings (its “Otachi”, btw) to Stacker Pentecost’s drive-suit size (sadly, that info is not available).
If you’re not a pretentious douchebag whose favourite auteur is Godard, GO WATCH IT. This embodies the sense of batshit-awesome that summer blockbuster season was always meant to be.
Random Anecdote: When I left the cinema, I couldn’t stop yammering to The Boyfriend about how The Sister and I would totes make a great Jaeger team. (The closer your bond, the better your Jaeger will fight.) The Boyfriend, being the incredibly sarcastic and dispiriting person that he is, had this to say: “Oh yeah, I’m sure you guys could drive a Jaeger. What would it be called? “Spicy Noodle”? — UM, YES?! We are Asian. We are feisty/spicy. We love noodles.
BONUS – Do you doubt just how much care and detail was put into this film? Listen to Guillermo Del Toro wax nostalgic about his “beautiful poem to giant monsters”. Btw, note how how talks about how he stays away from referencing previous films? TAKE A NOTE, TARANTINO. You can still make exciting films without plagiarism.
True Blood has turned into an elaborate Where’s Waldo picture book. Where the fuck, and who the fuck, is Warlow?
OHH RIGHT – BEN IS FREAKING WARLOW.
After a few seasons of seeing a gnarled face poking through the ether, I’m ashamed to say that I was totally caught off guard. A good-looking Warlow? Well, I’ll be damned! What a twist! (Despite the fact that practically everyone in True Blood is inhumanly beautiful – why would I ever expect Warlow to be as well?! No duh!)
The Warlow Saga
I may bitch and bitch about Sookie and her fairy vagina, but I’ll admit that I’m kinda hooked with this whole handsome Warlow thing. Okay, FINE. I’ll admit it!! Rob Kazinsky (aka. Ben/Warlow) is a total babe. I fought it because I knew that’s how the True Blood writers’ room operates – they introduce a hottie every season to shake things up in place of developing an actual coherent plotline. Well, its been working for five seasons, so why not a sixth? They picked a good one this season too. How can you resist it when he mugs it up, all earnest and kind and shit. I can smell the sex-starved-female-pheromones in the air – He’s not evil! He just wants to be luuurrrvved!! Plus, who knew shaving could be so homoerotic?
But yeah, moving along. Warlow, we find out, is a vampire-fairy hybrid. Supernatural TV shows are all about hybrids nowadays. Especially the villain/anti-hero hybrid. I just caught up with all four seasons of The Vampire Diaries and yup, RAMPANT with hybrids (FYI – Klaus is a smoking-hot hybrid). Its not sexy just to be one kind of supernatural being anymore. You have to be a slashie! (Much like the entertainment industry nowadays. Everyone has to be a actor-slash-director-slash-saviour of the known universe. Oh! Ben/Warlow is Angelina Jolie!)
Btw, is Sookie physically capable of keeping her damn clothes on? I’m pretty sure one is able to confront someone about their hybridism without first initiating couch-sex.
Oh yeah, so sad – no more Rutger Hauer as fairy grandfather. I was watching The Expendables for the first time the other day and it made me wonder why Rutger Hauer wasn’t there kicking ass alongside Dolph Lundgren. I’m not quite sure landing this True Blood gig instead is a triumph or a disappointment by comparison…
The Book of Billith
As it turns out, ingesting a sizeable volume of your progenitor’s stale millennia-old blood really fucks with your head. Symptoms include:
Pseudo-clairvoyant hallucinations, end-of-the-world syndrome, haemorrhaging from eye ducts…
…God complex, spontaneous combustion…
…and finally, the unexpected urge to kidnap teenage fairy-girls.
Bill sends Jessica to kidnap chubby Jap doctor who was the original creator of Tru Blood. Bill then send Jessica to kidnap the gullible fairy-girls. Bill uses his older-gentleman charm (which is kinda creepy given his fatherly vibes) to extract their blood for chubby Jap doctor to synthesise. Bill wants to create the ultimate vampire Gatorade (full of fairy-electrolytes!) for military use. Oh no! The blood breaks down too fast to synthesise! Chubby Jap doctor needs a constant supply of fairy-blood to study! Bill then leaves Jessica, the Baby Vamp, in a room, alone, with four walking balls of vampire-catnip. HOW COULD THIS PLAN GO WRONG?!
Sheriff Bellefleur will not be pleased.
The Great Southern Apartheid
Eric, on the other hand, has another Master Plan. Not quite as technologically-advanced as the mass production of liquid vampire-steroids. No, he takes a more Avatar-like (i.e. the getting-someone-to-go-native) approach, albeit with just as much kidnapping. He’s getting jiggy with psychological warfare!
Eric’s plan involves: (a) kidnapping the daughter of the governor leading the anti-vampire charge in the South, (b) giving her major Stockholm Syndrome via his rock-hard abs and soulful eyes, and (c) sending his baby-vamp back to Daddy to convince him to stop hunting vampires. HOW COULD THIS PLAN GO WRONG?!
Oh yeah, Willa tries to chow down on Daddy, thus intensifying his hatred of vampires. Whoops.
Eric and Bill, The Viking Warrior and The Civil War Veteran, failing miserably at simple military strategy. Sun Tzu would be ashamed.
(Sidenote: Tara is still bitchy and annoying. Pam is still awesome. Tara gets Pam shot, thereby multiplying her bitchy/annoying factor.)
Wolves, Shifters, and other inconsequential folk
When did Alcide start acting like such a huge dick? It’s like, get naked a few times, eat a bit of wolfman flesh, put a leather jacket on him, and voila! – instant asshole! Plus, he’s gotten really high and mighty with the whole “I AM YOUR PACKMASTER” line. He’s said it so much he’s turning into Khaleesi (i.e. “I am your Khaleesi and you will do as I say!”).
Also, NOT COOL SAM. Three day after your girlfriend dies, you start making out with some civil rights activist chick while your dead girlfriend’s daughter is in the next room? SO NOT COOL.
Conclusion: Vampirism compromises the ability to think strategically. Fairy-ism causes the inability to keep your clothes on. Lycanthropy enhances your inner douchebag. Shifter-ism convolutes any sense of moral decency. Have I left anything out?
The Anthem of the Middle Class: