True Blood Recap (S06 E01-E02): The Genesis of Billith

Huzzah! My favourite Southern supernatural blood-orgy has returned! My summer is complete! (Well, its winter in Melbourne. True Blood keeps me toasty at night, thinking of the various shenanigans the writers’ are going to put Sookie’s fairy cooch through.)

However, did anyone in the blogosphere really feel the need to recap the premiere of True Blood Season 6? Thus, the combined post. We shan’t grant a whole blog post to a filler episode, shall we? Its the principle of the matter.

So where are we?

Let’s all just admit that Season 5 took a turn towards the outlandishly comical by the end of its run. Shall we recap it? Vampires partying Amsterdam-style while hopped-up on ancient blood. Andy Bellefleur’s baby-mama birthing their half-breed quadruplets on a pool table. Luna shifting into Steve Newlin on live TV (okay, that was moderately cool). That goddamn fairy night-club (really, writers?). And finally, BILLITH.

Alas, just like Jon Hamm, I can’t quit you, True Blood. No matter how silly you get, I shall stick by you. I relish every moment of its nonsensical ridiculousness (and that’s saying a lot considering the stupidity of Sookie’s moronic fairy-land plotline).

The Book of Billith

I love me some Bill Compton! He’s the sexy Southern gentleman with the voice of silk. You know your lady-parts get tingly when he says ‘Sookeh’. At the end of last season, Bill chugged down Lillith’s blood, melted like the Wicked Witch into a pool of red cornstarch syrup, and arose from the bloody primordial ooze as the new God of Vampires  – ALL HAIL BILLITH!

He goes on a massive murder spree while in the nude (as you do), and when he comes to, we see that its basically still just Bill. But with fancy powers. OooOOoOOooHhHhhhh, *powers*! Now everyone is geeking out, all “omgawd Bill is a mooonster! What shall we doo?” Take a chill pill, vampire dudes. Don’t get all Salem Witch Trials-hysterical because you don’t understand what you see.

You know what just totally grates on me? SOOKIE STABBING BILL IN THE BACK. LITERALLY. (Crazy bitch.)

For the first 4-5 seasons, we are treated to the epic ballad of Bill & Sookie’s love. Now, here comes along this Viking Sex God and Sookie is all “That’s not Bill anymore!!”? She is one flaky fairy. So what if he naked-murders a few vampire authority cronies? Okay, its kinda weird, but after all that you two have been through, maybe he might be worth the benefit of the doubt? And then by freaking Episode 2, she’s already vibe-ing with some random half-fairy dude? COME ON.

A relationship that I find thoroughly more satisfying is the tender familial bond blooming between Bill and Jessica. Just goes to show that family always trumps that silly notion of being ‘in love’. For crying out loud, she stuck by him when he had that massive psychological breakdown where he freaking wept blood and developed incredibly disturbing telekinetic blood-vacuuming powers. Tha’ shi’ be f***cked uuup.  I mean, how many daughters order bloodwhore take-out for their mentally deranged papas?

BabyVamp still loves you, Billith!

The Southern Vampire Apartheid 

Ugh the Governor guy makes me want to hurl. He is everything that is wrong with politics – people who leverage themselves into power by capitalising on a fear-mongering state of affairs. It utterly disgusts me. He is the bald, bespectacled Michele Bachmann of vampires. Take a cue for Bachmann and RETIRE.

Too bad Eric’s little sabotage mission didn’t quite work. It did give us this beautiful gem to treasure though: NERDY ERIC. Whoever didn’t burst out in bout of giddy giggles and wild clapping is lying.

I found it deeply fascinating and frighteningly realistic the weapons that the humans have manufactured to combat the “filthy vampers”. Glamour-proof contact lenses? Silver bullets that emit UV rays? I have to admit its pretty impressive. (It gives me confidence in our survival in the event of a zombie apocalypse. No seriously, I believe its going to happen and I’m well-prepared. I have perused all of Max Brooks‘ books.)

Speaking of UV-ray silver bullets, Tara is a big ole idiot that needs to keep that trap shut. Have you noticed how her incessant outbursts have repeatedly gotten her in deep, echoing shit? She’s like the black, Southern, adult version of Arya Stark – only less cute and a great deal less lucky. Tara is just so UGGHH. Case in point – she jumped on a freaking bar and got SHOT. Like, what the hell Tara, sit the f*ck down.

And this whole Pam/Tara lesbian-love situation? I am not a fan. Pam can do better. Even Nora would be a better choice (and I am NOT a fan of Nora’s.)

Speaking of Nora, they tried to set her up as this prodigy political genius last season. Eric repeated it enough times, but I’m not quite sure I believe it. So when Nora (aka. Bitch Sergeant) spends these two episodes constantly shooting out orders, I’m totally with Pam on this:

But back to the point Tara was making about Pam and Eric. He really does treat her like crap. Seeing how Jessica interacts with Bill though, I sorta get it. He is her maker and her first epic love. Her feelings towards him are fathoms more than romantic. It really cuts me when I see him treating her like shit. Especially when he treats her like shit for the sake of Sookie and her magical fairy vagina. I’m pretty sure this is akin to the psychology of domestic abuse, but she just can’t quit him.

Oh Pam, you don’t know just how much I want better things for you! YOU ARE A GODDESS. Don’t let the bastards grind you down.

The F*cking Fairies

F*CKING FAIRIES. (I refuse to spell it as “faery” because its stupid enough as it is.)

Worst. Plotline. Ever.

Sookie and her ballet of insipidity can be encapsulated in one line:

“Jason, I am your f*cking fairy grandfather.” (*DRY HEAVE*)

And seriously, Andy Bellefleur’s fairy-hybrid quadruplets that possess the growing abilities of that frickin’ Twilight baby? Just, NO.

Even Andy knows how freaking dumb this is.

Is this really the best way to employ Arlene, writers? Carrie Preston is a comedic genius and the best you can do for her are heehaw diaper jokes!? Criminal.

The Shifters/Wolves

I don’t care.

Who is this? I really can’t remember. Ugh, that gross wolfpack orgy. Cover up, Alcide (seriously, I never thought I’d say that).

God, those two gifs look like a clip from an angry, bestiality-fetish porno.

Sam is so boring. Emma is so boring. Thank god we have Lafayette to liven things up.

UGH, I JUST DON’T CARE

In Conclusion – Episode 2 was a lot better than Episode 1. If it were up to me, we would kill off all the wolves, the shifters, the fairies, and just focus on the vampires. Lafayette and Arlene can run Merlotte’s as a friendly neighbourhood vampire watering hole where all the vampires can come hobnob and jump sharks to the sounds of canned laughter a la Happy Days.

BONUS – If you don’t watch BabyVamp’s Vlog already, you freaking should. Jessica Hamby is so adorbs. (And this is the Tara I like – the sarcastic, flippant bitch that just dont give a damn. Leave the dramarama to Sookie.)

 

 

 

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