True Blood has turned into an elaborate Where’s Waldo picture book. Where the fuck, and who the fuck, is Warlow?
OHH RIGHT – BEN IS FREAKING WARLOW.
After a few seasons of seeing a gnarled face poking through the ether, I’m ashamed to say that I was totally caught off guard. A good-looking Warlow? Well, I’ll be damned! What a twist! (Despite the fact that practically everyone in True Blood is inhumanly beautiful – why would I ever expect Warlow to be as well?! No duh!)
The Warlow Saga
I may bitch and bitch about Sookie and her fairy vagina, but I’ll admit that I’m kinda hooked with this whole handsome Warlow thing. Okay, FINE. I’ll admit it!! Rob Kazinsky (aka. Ben/Warlow) is a total babe. I fought it because I knew that’s how the True Blood writers’ room operates – they introduce a hottie every season to shake things up in place of developing an actual coherent plotline. Well, its been working for five seasons, so why not a sixth? They picked a good one this season too. How can you resist it when he mugs it up, all earnest and kind and shit. I can smell the sex-starved-female-pheromones in the air – He’s not evil! He just wants to be luuurrrvved!! Plus, who knew shaving could be so homoerotic?
But yeah, moving along. Warlow, we find out, is a vampire-fairy hybrid. Supernatural TV shows are all about hybrids nowadays. Especially the villain/anti-hero hybrid. I just caught up with all four seasons of The Vampire Diaries and yup, RAMPANT with hybrids (FYI – Klaus is a smoking-hot hybrid). Its not sexy just to be one kind of supernatural being anymore. You have to be a slashie! (Much like the entertainment industry nowadays. Everyone has to be a actor-slash-director-slash-saviour of the known universe. Oh! Ben/Warlow is Angelina Jolie!)
Btw, is Sookie physically capable of keeping her damn clothes on? I’m pretty sure one is able to confront someone about their hybridism without first initiating couch-sex.
Oh yeah, so sad – no more Rutger Hauer as fairy grandfather. I was watching The Expendables for the first time the other day and it made me wonder why Rutger Hauer wasn’t there kicking ass alongside Dolph Lundgren. I’m not quite sure landing this True Blood gig instead is a triumph or a disappointment by comparison…
The Book of Billith
As it turns out, ingesting a sizeable volume of your progenitor’s stale millennia-old blood really fucks with your head. Symptoms include:
Pseudo-clairvoyant hallucinations, end-of-the-world syndrome, haemorrhaging from eye ducts…
…God complex, spontaneous combustion…
…and finally, the unexpected urge to kidnap teenage fairy-girls.
Bill sends Jessica to kidnap chubby Jap doctor who was the original creator of Tru Blood. Bill then send Jessica to kidnap the gullible fairy-girls. Bill uses his older-gentleman charm (which is kinda creepy given his fatherly vibes) to extract their blood for chubby Jap doctor to synthesise. Bill wants to create the ultimate vampire Gatorade (full of fairy-electrolytes!) for military use. Oh no! The blood breaks down too fast to synthesise! Chubby Jap doctor needs a constant supply of fairy-blood to study! Bill then leaves Jessica, the Baby Vamp, in a room, alone, with four walking balls of vampire-catnip. HOW COULD THIS PLAN GO WRONG?!
Sheriff Bellefleur will not be pleased.
The Great Southern Apartheid
Eric, on the other hand, has another Master Plan. Not quite as technologically-advanced as the mass production of liquid vampire-steroids. No, he takes a more Avatar-like (i.e. the getting-someone-to-go-native) approach, albeit with just as much kidnapping. He’s getting jiggy with psychological warfare!
Eric’s plan involves: (a) kidnapping the daughter of the governor leading the anti-vampire charge in the South, (b) giving her major Stockholm Syndrome via his rock-hard abs and soulful eyes, and (c) sending his baby-vamp back to Daddy to convince him to stop hunting vampires. HOW COULD THIS PLAN GO WRONG?!
Oh yeah, Willa tries to chow down on Daddy, thus intensifying his hatred of vampires. Whoops.
Eric and Bill, The Viking Warrior and The Civil War Veteran, failing miserably at simple military strategy. Sun Tzu would be ashamed.
(Sidenote: Tara is still bitchy and annoying. Pam is still awesome. Tara gets Pam shot, thereby multiplying her bitchy/annoying factor.)
Wolves, Shifters, and other inconsequential folk
When did Alcide start acting like such a huge dick? It’s like, get naked a few times, eat a bit of wolfman flesh, put a leather jacket on him, and voila! – instant asshole! Plus, he’s gotten really high and mighty with the whole “I AM YOUR PACKMASTER” line. He’s said it so much he’s turning into Khaleesi (i.e. “I am your Khaleesi and you will do as I say!”).
Also, NOT COOL SAM. Three day after your girlfriend dies, you start making out with some civil rights activist chick while your dead girlfriend’s daughter is in the next room? SO NOT COOL.
Conclusion: Vampirism compromises the ability to think strategically. Fairy-ism causes the inability to keep your clothes on. Lycanthropy enhances your inner douchebag. Shifter-ism convolutes any sense of moral decency. Have I left anything out?