Category Archives: Trailers

47 Ronin Trailer: The Return of The One

The trailer is as schizophrenic as my reaction to it was. I’m oscillating between “WTF is this bullshit” and “YEAH!! Looks neato burrito!”

As far as I can tell, 47 Ronin looks like a genre mash-up / bloody revenge fantasy. Keanu Reeves plays a half-breed Neo sought out by the 47 Ronin for his “The One”-esque abilities. They need him to save the world as they know it from Asian Maleficent, played by Rinko Kikuchi (Kinko Rikuchi? Kinki Rikichi?). Sounds familiar, but since its likely meant to pay homage to our favourite nerdy genre tropes, one can’t really get too irritated.

Pros

In the spirit of supporting my Asian brethren – AWWWW YISSSSSS!!! A badass Hollywood blockbuster (its budget was $200m+) featuring a predominantly Asian cast. That’s what I call WINNING!

Rinko Kukich- I mean, Rinko KIKUCHI – is coming off a geek-high from Pacific Rim. God, I love her. I vote YES to demon dragon-lady Kikuchi.

It’s that famous token Jap guy from the Last Samurai and a selection of other Westernized Asian films! Whoo! (For reals, Hiroyuki Sanada is the beezneez).

Mash-ups! We love genre mash-ups! (Well, if they’re good.)

Its gleefully bloodlustful atmosphere reminds me a bit of Tarantino. Its Django with Samurai swords, people.

Visually – its fuckin’ stunning. The rolling vistas, the intricate costuming, the moody cinematography. I love watching beautiful things. I’ll like something if its fuckin’ gorgeous even if it lacks substance. I’m superficial that way.

Cons

That’s some shitty trailer cutting. Why are they using metallic lettering from Transformers?

“An Outcast … Exiled.” That’s just bad English. An outcast is by definition someone who has been exiled. Mega tautology.

That dragon looks kinda danky. I get the concept – the traditional Chinese mythical dragon. I just hope it looks a lot better than that plastic green parasite I saw roll across my laptop screen.

Ugh, Keanu. Why do you open your mouth? Let us just appreciate those great genes that have seemingly halted all signs of physical ageing.

Conclusion

Let’s be honest, its not going to be Shakespeare. This isn’t going to be a complex intellectual exercise exploring the poetry of Classical Chinese literary themes. But the concept is fun, I love me some Asians kicking ass, and it looks delightfully action-packed.

I am someone that liked 300 and The Immortals. Hell, I even quite enjoyed Sucker Punch at times. I wrote off Pacific Rim due to a similar “WTF is this shit” reaction. I’m not likely to make that mistake again. As painful as it will be watching Keanu figure out how to use his words, I’m sure I’ll find something to like about 47 Ronin.

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Pacific Rim Trailer: The Transformers take Cloverfield

Michael Bay and JJ Abrams shat out this high-def video game and somehow got Idris Elba and Charlie Hunnam involved.

Sleeper hit? It IS Guillermo Del Toro, who is pretty awesome, but has a sketchy record at the box office. Its also coming out on the butt-end of summer. Kinda like a discard from the reject pile after a slamming blockbuster season filled with Iron Man 3, Man of Steel, and The Wolverine.

Let’s hope its more Transformers than it is Battleship.

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Now You See Me Trailer: Magic is for the cool kids

In the immortal words of The Boyfriend: “This is either going to be really shit, or really good.”

So in that spirit, let’s explore the reasons why I hope this will be good and not shit.

Now You See Me looks a bit like The Prestige wrapped up in the glitzy Vegas packaging of 21 It tells the story of four young magicians, ‘The Four Horseman’, who perform some serious rockstar-David Copperfield magic to rob banks and so forth. The effects look like they’re going to be really cool, but then again, I get super excited for that kind of superficial crap. Hopefully, it’ll err more towards incredibly imaginative real-world magic, and not outlandishly ridiculous Harry Potter stuff (I LOVE HP, but Harry Potter magic should stay in Harry Potter).

At least the cast looks relatively promising. I’m down with anything Woody Harrelson deems worthy. Here are your Horsemen:

Discount Amy Adams, Mark Zuckerberg, Cowboy Haymitch in a Suit, Doucheface Franco

I mean, it can’t be that bad if ALFRED, THE HULK, and GOD are in it:

Mafia Alfred says GIVE ME MY MONEY

No green rage monster this time, folks. Just a gun.

God is big-time pimpin’

Anyway, here’s the trailer. Pretty intriguing, non?

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The Bling Ring Trailer: Hermione gets her L.A. on

My desire to watch The Bling Ring is quite similar to why people watch Keeping Up with the Kardashians: perverse fascination.

While the object of fascination on The Kardashians is that vapid bimbo, Kim, and her crazy-ass family – the novelty of The Bling Ring will definitely be HOLY SHIT IS THAT HERMIONE PULLING A DUCKFACE?!

I’ve always really enjoyed Sofia Coppola’s films for their pop art, indie aesthetic. Nothing says independent like quirky stunt casting. Unleash Emma Watson! I’m ready to relish her Valley Girl accent.

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Thor The Dark World Trailer: The Dark Demigod

In The Avengers pantheon, its safe to say that Thor is considered the lightweight of the group. The first Thor film was pretty good, but it was… popcorn-y.

Don’t get me wrong, there’s nothing wrong with popcorn. Its crunchy, buttery, golden goodness in a brightly-coloured wrapper (much like Thor!). But that’s not something you traditionally associate with Kenneth Branagh. In the 21st Century, Kenneth Branagh is synonymous with Shakespeare! Okay, so Thor was Shakespearean popcorn – deliciously fun, yet eloquent.

On the plus side, Branagh attracts talent – aside from Robert Downey Jr’s Iron Man, an argument can be made that the two largest breakout stars from the Marvel universe were Tom Hiddleston and Chris Hemsworth. Tom Hiddleston is the embodiment of elegant mischief, while Chris Hemsworth’s golden mane practically screams hero.

Hey, ladies.

The one thing that really freaked me out in the first film was just how SHINY everything was. It made everything look fake and super CGI’d. I mean, you’re not JJ Abrams, Kenneth – we don’t need that much lens-flare.

OOooOOooooooOOOoOooOOoooohhhh! SHINY.

Alas, the new trailer for Thor: The Dark World dashes all thoughts of shiny-ness. Someone threw a bucket of mud all over the film and sloshed it around. What arose was a gritty Demi-god akin to The Dark Knight.

Word Vomit:

More references to Christopher Nolan – zero-gravity truck!

WHOAAAAAA alien spacecraft? Um, magical Elvish spacecraft?

KAT DENNINGS! Whatever happened to her iPod? Did SHIELD give it back? She did just download 20 songs, after all. I’d be pissed too.

Oh hey, Natalie! She’s so tiny next to him. Kinda like his wife, Elsa Pataky. Btw, I’m small too, Chris. *hint*hint*

Janey goes to Asgard! Sif looks super JELLO! So jealous, she’s green jello.

That’s another fabulous red cape.

I can’t handle it! The swelling vocals, the thunderous drums, and THOR ON A BATTLEFIELD. Finally! I just want to see him get Medieval on Elvish butt and just bash some shit up. How cool is it that the soundtrack is named ‘Shinigami’? (For those uncultured few, that means ‘God of Death’ in Japanese.)

God of Thunder, baby

God of Thunder, baby

Someone needs plastic surgery. Or some skin-grafts, at least:

Elvish cyborg scum

Elvish cyborg scum

LOKI!! Be aware, Hiddlestoners, that Tom Hiddleston is being rumoured for the role of Draven in The Crow. This is definitely going to help his case:

Gothic chic

Gothic chic

The first thing I did after watching that trailer was to Google the director. This is obviously NOT the work of shiny Kenneth Branagh.  I present to you the man that brings us the Dark Demi-God:

Director Alan Taylor

This will be Alan Taylor’s directorial debut in a major feature film. But lets look at his past television credits:

GAME OF THRONES (6 EPISODES)

MAD MEN (4 EPISODES)

BOARDWALK EMPIRE (1 EPISODE)

THE SOPRANOS (9 EPISODES)

ROME (2 EPISODES)

DEADWOOD (2 EPISODES)

CARNIVALE (1 EPISODE)

F*CK YES! I love this man already. In Alan Taylor, we (hope to) trust.

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Mud Trailer: The Resurgence of Matthew McConaughey

For the longest time, Matthew McConaughey languished in rom-com hell. I was really mean about him. I made fun of his hair, his abs, and his lack of acting abilities. With regards to the latter, I must eat my words because Matthew McConaughey is turning out to be kinda awesome.

I love it when he gets all dirty and Southern. This looks like its going to be a helluva movie. How can it not be? Michael Shannon is in it.

Honestly, I only posted this because I wanted a reason to share this. Everybody, just shield your eyes a bit. You need to prepare them to soak all this batshitty-ness up:

GLORIOUS.

I’m sure by now everyone has heard about what a huge b*tchbag Reese Witherspoon was to a police officer who pulled over her hubby, CAA Agent Jim Toth, for a DUI. It takes some real gumption to pull out the “Do you know who I am?” card. I think you can only do that and not look like a moron if you’re Barack Obama.

Mugshot!

Ehehehe.. I feel stoopid now.

Maybe this low-classy episode of her’s was just a master-class in the Method? After all, she does play a backwater hussy in Mud.

 

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Before Midnight Trailer: Jesse + Celine 4EVA

A sequel in the indie film world is rare. A threequel is completely unheard of.

That’s why film nerds around the world geeked out when it was announced that Richard Linklater would be filming a third installment to his indie romance epic!

The ballad of Jesse & Celine kicks off in Before Sunrise. Jesse (played by Ethan Hawke, circa ‘Reality Bites‘) is an American on his way to catch a flight back to USA fromVienna after getting dumped by his girlfriend who was studying in Europe. Celine (a cherubic Julie Delpy) is a Parisian university student on her way home from visiting her grandmère in Budapest. They meet on the train, strike up an awkward conversation about books, and, despite the stringy hair, Jesse manages to charm her into exploring Vienna with him.

The film tracks their relationship over the course of one night as they traverse the city of Vienna. All they do is talk and do romantic things that we all shit on for being cheesy but secretly want to do ourselves. Like lying under the stars in a park after conning a barman into giving a free bottle of wine. Yeah, you wish.

Despite the cheese, the thing that sets the film apart is how organically their connection develops. The ramble nonsensically about their dreams and ambitions, their conversations tinged with starry-eyed naiveté. Of course they fall in love. The film oscillates between moments of intensity and light-hearted silliness. Its what makes it so captivating, yet so entertaining.

Our love will be for eternity

BAHAHA!!! Morons.

As you guessed, they only have until sunrise before they are separated by circumstance.

I really don’t want to spoil anything else because the climax hits you like a ton of emotional bricks. Its safe to say that I bawled like an infant. Here’s an upbeat trailer, complete with peppy 90’s music to convince you that its not just a sopping sob-fest:

Their story picks up years later in Before Sunset. I can’t bring myself to spoil it in text so its your choice as to whether or not you watch the trailer. I CANNOT STRESS ENOUGH THAT THE FOLLOWING TRAILER WILL SPOIL THE END OF THE FIRST FILM.

Please just go watch Before Sunrise? Please? Pretty please?

Alas, I am strongly against the concept of a nanny state so I will post it. I lay it upon your own conscience to make the choice – to Youtube, or not to Youtube?

Ugh, I guess you have no self control and MIGHT AS WELL just spoil Before Sunrise for yourself. Yeah, the trailer for Before Midnight is massively spoilery.

Now that you’ve ruined the plot for yourself, go back and watch the films in full. You owe me that, at least. I promise, the Before [insert temporal phenomenon here] films will clench its fist around your cynical heart and never let go.

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Top 5 Reasons Why Tom Cruise Still Creeps Me Out

IMDb recently posted this little gem on their homepage: an article entitled ‘Top 10 Reasons Why We Still Love Tom Cruise’.

Tom Cruise’s publicist is really working hard, huh? I hope he pays them overtime plus benefits.

In light of this blatant piece of garbage, I’d like to offer my Top 5 Reasons for Why Tom Cruise Still Creeps Me Out (because Tom Cruise is not worth that much of my time. Plus, I’m feeling pretty lazy). If you like Tom Cruise, I suggest you educate yourself.

1. He’s a Scientologist.

I have a deep respect for religious people. They have a strong sense of faith that I will never have. However, Scientology is NOT a religion. Scientology is a cult. Members are duped into sinking their life savings into various Church ‘schemes’ and ‘training programs’. Their youth are shipped off to languish at ‘Sea Org’ – a religious order where members can sign away their lives for a billion years. Yes, A BILLION YEARS (to cover their future lives, of course). Members live on ships, working for minimal wage in communal living quarters – much like North Korea. Not only that, but Scientology is as corrupt as Italian parliament. Instead of funneling the money into private sex parties like Berlusconi, members’ life savings are used to buy Church leader David Miscavige’s dogs treadmills and pay his servants to polish his friggin’ lightbulbs. The man lives like a king, presiding over his worker ants, and probably laughing uproariously at how gullible everyone is.

2. He let the Scientologists black-ball Nicole Kidman out of their kids’ lives.

When Tom Cruise showed signs of coming to his senses in 1998, Scientology went batshit. Instead of having the cojones to walk away from the evil soul-sucking Scientology machine, he let them alienate him from his then-wife Nicole Kidman. They painted her as a ‘suppressive’ person because she was Catholic and her father a psychiatrist (psychotropic drugs are forbidden in Scientology). Basically, she had the audacity to have a past that didn’t include Tom Cruise. Tom rolled with it and kept the kids away from their suppressive mother.

3. He held interviews to find a ‘suitable’ girlfriend and subsequently mind-f*cked said girlfriend.

I think everyone has read Maureen Orth’s piece in Vanity Fair about Tom Cruise and Nazanin Boniadi (i.e. Nora from How I Met Your Mother).

Too good for Barney Stinson and Tom Cruise

Tom Cruise, the prodigal son of Scientology, needs an appropriate escort. Nazanin Boniadi, at that time a relatively unknown actress, was chosen from the masses to be be his political wife. It didn’t matter that she was engaged to be married. Screw that, who wants to be with the love of their life when they can be with Tom Cruise?!

He threw piles of his Jerry Maguire money at her and convinced her that she was in love with him. Unfortunately, she didn’t fangirl him enough for his taste. He complained that “she was not sufficiently demonstrative: “I get more love from an extra than I get from you.”” Eventually, he dumped Nora and she ended up in some Scientology rehab centre where they abused her mentally and made her scrub toilets with a toothbrush until she left the Church.

So what we can take from this story is that Tom Cruise has a lot in common with Overly-Attached Girlfriend.

4. He’s short and he shows it.

So its widely reported that Tom Cruise is 5″7. Its also widely reported that he is 170 cm. Lets everyone open up Google and figure out what 170cm is in feet. 170 cm = 5.558 feet. Hes not even 5’6. Do we see some creative reporting here? Anyway, the point isn’t that he’s short. Its the constant need to pretend that he’s not. Robert Downey Jr. is only 174 cm! Yet Tom Cruise has this crippling inability to accept this simple fact of life and just move on.

I’m sorry, I cannot get behind a man who wears elevated shoes.

Tom Cruise’s manly lift-ups

5. He’s kinda totally batshit insane.

When a respected publication like the Guardian dedicates a 900 word article purely to discuss your “kookiness”, lets just call an orange an orange and admit that Tom Cruise is a nutball.

Whether its the crazy jumping on Oprah’s couch or eating Katie Holmes’ nutritious placenta, Tom Cruise is still and forever will be a creepy dude.

As such, I am a conscientious objector in the war to regain Tom Cruise’s credibility. I will not be going to watch Oblivion this weekend. For those who do end up going, please let me know how awful it was and how much you regret that decision:

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Man of Steel Trailer: Superman has chest hair

WHOOOO!! I love blockbuster season! This season’s going to be a doozy – Man of Steel, Iron Man 3, The Wolverine, Fast and Furious 6 (can you smell what The Rock is cooking?). For chrissakes, Iron Man 3 comes out NEXT WEEK. Take note, citizens of the world. Robert Downey Jr needs another $50 million.

If anyone is going to compete with Iron Man, its going to be Henry Cavill in spandex.

Directed by Zack Snyder, produced by Christopher Nolan. Man of Steel looks incredibly promising. Christopher Nolan is now the Yoda of dark and cerebral superhero films. If its got his tick of approval, then its definitely got mine.

Word Vomit:

It’s really stretching the imagination to think that genetically-perfect Henry Cavill resulted from Russell Crowe’s sperm.

That’s an awful lot of red plaid for one family of farmers. (Or, is it?)

“My son was in the bus. He saw what Clark did,” a woman says accusingly. Uh, Clark just saved your son’s life? How about a bit of bloody gratitude.

The film is going to be very blue tonally. Zack Snyder is really doing Henry Cavill a big favor in bringing out those baby blues.

The trajectory of the narrative seems to be tracking the origins of Clark Kent as he grows to become Superman. One of the reasons I found Dark Knight to be groundbreaking was its sophisticated approach to handling themes of morality and human nature. Here, Nolan / Snyder explore the idea of being an outcast and the theme of transcendence through selflessness. Look, it sounds a bit pretentious, but its gonna be aaawesome (I hope).

CHEST HAIR!

Superman does not wax.

Superman does not wax.

AMY ADAMS! AMY ADAMS! AMY ADAMS! Finally, a Lois Lane I can get behind. Shove off, Margot Kidder / Kate Bosworth (ugh) / Teri Hatcher (double ugh – mostly because The Boyfriend used to have a massive crush on her).

That’s a fabulous red cloak.

Hahahaha the “S” means ‘hope’ on Krypton. STOOPID.

Michael Shannon as General Zod? A BIG HELLS YES TO CASTING! Michael Shannon is all sorts of awesome. Henry Cavill needs to get his game-face on if he presumes to challenge the great Michael Shannon. If you haven’t seen him in Take Shelter, I demand you go see it right now. RIGHT NOW.

Alas, Russell Crowe has a really soothing voice. I wonder if it sounded this way when he told Rebel Wilson to ‘f*ck off’:

 

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Star Trek Into Darkness Trailer: The Cumberb*tches are drooling

I usually write a whole spiel about the movie I’m posting about, but if you don’t know what Star Trek is – you should just go kill yourself right now.

This latest trailer is pretty heinous. Its heavy-handed (omg explosions! explosions! explosion-y EXPLOSIONS!), cheesy (“I believe in you, Jim”), and its most terrible flaw – THERE IS NOT ENOUGH CUMBERBATCHY!

I think we can all agree that excitement for the next Star Trek instalment hinges heavily on how popular Benedict Cumberbatch is right now. He’s even got his own pack of rabid Cumberbitches (yes, that is totally what they call themselves). I may not be a Cumberbitch, but I totally get it. The eyes, the cheekbones, THAT VOICE…

Oh yeah, and he’s the BEST Sherlock Holmes. YEAH, that’s right – even better than Robert Downey Jr. Take that, Internet denizens!

Observe:

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