Category Archives: TV Shows

True Blood Recap (S06 E08-E09): Tarlene Forever

Firstly, apologies for my truly lacklustre work ethic. Forgive me for schlumping two episodes together in this recap. Sure, I’m a lazy turd. However, let’s just all admit that jack-all happened in Episode 8 except for some sappy Sookie soul-searching.

The Fairy Princess Bride

Oh my god, Sookie has been wearing that same outfit (floral skirt, thigh high black socks, and boots) for three frickin episodes. Doesn’t it smell? Doesn’t it smell of SHINY FAIRY SEX JUICES and DEAD DADDY SWAMP MURDER? As harrowing as her story is, I was mainly glad that she finally got a hot shower and a fresh set of clothes. (Even if said clothes  looked like they belonged in my seventh grade wardrobe. Those pigtails, however, I left in kindergarten.)

Here’s the skinny: Bill wants Warlow’s blood so he can pass it around like the bloody Holy Grail and level up all the vampires at Camp Auschvamp into day-walkers. Tricky thing is that everyone hates Bill now because he’s a delusional megalomaniac and nobody wants to help him.

Nevertheless, Sookie wants to save her friends (yada, yada) so she opts in to Bill’s Vamp-Saving Brigade and agrees to persuade Warlow to help. In return, Warlow drops an ultimatum on Miss Fairy Princess – you want my blood? you better fuckin’ marry me. Well, he says it a lot nicer than that. He proposes (eternity) to her.

Hehe – look at Rob Kazinsky. Gosh darn it, ain’t he a cutie?!

She reluctantly agrees to being his Fairy Princess Bride for all of Eternity, of course, because she is the ultimate danger-whore. However, not before she tries to scam on Sam to try and make him ask her to give up her powers. Good on you, Sam, for telling her to shove off! (Applause)

What is it with Anna Paquin and trying to relinquish her powers to be normal? Sookie doesn’t want to be a fairy with bright shiny powers. Anna Marie doesn’t want to be Rogue and chill with the cool-as-fuck X-Men.  (Plus who the fuck doesn’t want to spend eternity with Warlow and his six-millenia hard on?) Does Anna Paquin just give off that normal nancy vibe, casting directors? I really want to know! As stupid as it is sometimes, I would rather be a fucking fairy with shiny hands that gets to bump uglies with hot supernatural men than be a regular ole bumpkin in Bon Temps with 3.5 children and a chubby booze-guzzling husband.

Final note – kudos to Anna Paquin for that stirring speech about how she’d rather be a walking corpse and for her parents to fuck off for being close-minded murderous douchebags. Snaps for Sookie!

Sarah Newlin is INSANE-ULOUS

MEGA-FUCKIN-SNAPS for ANNA CAMP and her award-worthy turn as Sarah Newlin: Crazy Christian Crackpot.

Item #1 – Sarah Newlin hamster-wheels her ex-hubby

Item #2 – Sarah Newlin tries to bake a pie with Vamp-gizzard filling (Bye, Steve Newlin – its been fun!)

  

  

Item #3 – Sarah Newlin smashes up the face of Asian Corporate Lady

I was totally rooting for bad-ass Asian chick though. YEAHH!! KNEE HER IN HER LADY BALLS!

Let this be a lesson to ye, little children. Stilettos kill. Let justice rain down upon those who are deserving. In the form of an angry Jason Stackhouse:

Screen Shot 2013-08-14 at 12.27.18 AM

Anna Camp as Sarah Newlin has been one of the most thrilling, psychopathic villains True Blood has had in a while. Though she is not physically intimidating, she has that maniacal glint in her eye – the same one that gives you the heebie-jeebies when you enter the same room as Hannibal Lecter or Ted Bundy. Albeit, she’s the Serial Killer Lite version. Essentially, she is Russell Edgington with bouncy blonde hair.

Uprising at Camp Aushchvamp

A big welcome back to Eric Northman: Badass Edition 2.0. We’ve waited for this as long as Pam has waited for Eric to forget Sookie’s fairy vagina. Let’s take a gander at Eric’s greatest hits the last couple episodes:

We have snarky Eric

We have puzzled Eric

We have playful Eric

We have magnanimous Eric

..and, we have scary Eric.

Last season, we were knee-deep in Eric’s love-sickness for Sookie and her fancy-smelling blood. Its such a delight to see him revert to the one-man massacre machine we all knew him to be. His rescue last night was like watching a sadistic Jason Bourne liberating the bloodthirsty inmates from that mental hospital in American Horror Story. Of particular note was his spectacular castration of the cowardly Dr Overlark – 7/10 for Technical Difficulty, 9/10 pts for Execution, and 10/10 for Style!

But of course, true to form, Eric abandons Pam as soon as he is able. “Alritey then, Pam’s okay – time for me to Superman off into the sunset and break her heart all over again!”

Pam and Eric’s relationship is certainly one of the strong points of True Blood. For Pam, Eric is a fascinating amalgam of father figure, lover, soulmate, brother, and idol. In fact, she kind of comes off as the most loyal follower in Eric’s evil cult. She’s a little bit like the Bellatrix Lestrange to his Lord Voldemort.

  

Can we just note how inhumanly good that prison jumpsuit looks on Pam. A real diva brings it, no matter what the outfit.

On a side note, I’m very much enjoying the new bad bitch in town: Violet Mazurski, the hardcore old-school medieval-times Catholic. There aren’t many people who can tell Pam to eff off and live to brag about it.

  

Plus, I’m really keen to see how Violet getting all Fatal Attraction on Jason will pan out. I bet there will bunnies involved.

  

(Pam be like, ‘You’re on your own, Jason.’)

The Terry Bellefleur Retrospective

Thank you, writer room, for this touching and bittersweet homage to the best husband and father in True Blood: Terry Bellefleur. As each mourner reminisced their ‘Terry story’ with the crowd, each vignette gave us a glimpse into his sweet, damaged, stoic soul. It wasn’t all doom and gloom though. From Andy, to Sam, to Lafayetter (especially Lafayette), it was nice to be reminded of Terry in all his charmingly eccentric glory.

  

  

And like I said before, Terry and Arlene’s stable, supportive romance grounds the show amidst the various supernatural shenanigans (i.e. shiny fairy sex, obsessive Catholic vampires, brother-sister vampcest…etc). Brangelina? Pfft, Tarlene ftw.

  

  

p.s. A Sneaky Note on Shifters and Wolves

While I don’t condone violence against women, props to Alcide for showing that crazy were-bitch, Ricki, who’s boss. I might be ready to offer a tentative hand of friendship to Alcide. Especially if he pulls more of these – behold, Alcide posing with a bottle of ‘Man-scent’ and his adoring fans:

 

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True Blood Recap (S06 E07): Stockholder Syndrome

True Blood is giving me stockholder syndrome, I tell you. I know its being bad to me, but I can’t help getting attached every time it throws me a morsel of good.

Der Führer, Sarah Newlin 

AUGHHHH, Sarah Newlin! Don’t smooch up The Governor’s dismembered head!! Its just soo… unsanitary.

Seriously, though – Anna Camp and her crazy eyes make me want to either (a) run screaming into the hills for fear of bible-thumpers with pitchforks, or (b) worship at the altar of her batshitty-ness.

I can’t quite tell if her religious zeal is genuine or if she just uses it as a weapon to gain power. Probably a bit of both. It seems that her once pure beliefs were corrupted into running rampant with so-called ‘glorious purpose’. There is nothing scarier than a power-hungry zealot. Case in point, her mad-genius plan is to hide the Governor’s death so that she can be the sole mouthpiece of the vampire-extermination political machine. How twisted is that?

She is one scary bitch.

  

Danger Whore’s Post-Coital Proposal

Their post-coital cuddling session looks like Instagram swallowed it whole and spat it out with a ‘Hipsterize’ filter.

Oh Warlow, don’t go getting all girly on Sookie. One-time garden fairy sex does not guarantee an eternity of commitment. I know she’s your predestined fairy queen and all, but Robert Kazinsky – you can do better than Danger Whore. Leave her to her bloody orgastic Bon Temps circus and escape into another dimension before she drags you through her stinking pile of drama.

Mourning Terry Bellefleur

Whenever Carrie Preston deigns to grace True Blood with her electric performances, I’m reminded of why my love-hate relationship with True Blood frequently errs toward gleeful, guiltless love. She is such a joy to watch. She has that magic ability to make you feel devastated in one moment and then spin it into hilarity in the next. I love her even when she’s dissing Lafayette as a “voodoo queer”. MOARR ARLENE!!

Sex and Stockholder Syndrome at Camp Auschvamp

First off – HAH! I knew that our Vamp in Shining Armour, James, would be back for some Baby Vamp lovin’. Did I call it, or did I call it? Okay, to be fair, probably everyone ‘called it’. Regardless, I’m thoroughly satisfied to have our Vampire Knight back. I really like him and Jessica together – its all very ‘supernatural teen romance novel’. Given, he looks a bit too much like Taylor Hanson for me. Nevertheless, I’m sure he’ll MmmBop his way into Ms Hamby’s ‘heart’.

  

While Jessica gets all gooey over Vampire Knight, I think Jason is the unsung hero here. Did you see his face when she asked him for some “privacy”? You could practically see the gears in his brain grinding to keep up with the implications. Dear, sweet, Jason Stackhouse. He’s a bit like Hodor with a hot body. Sure, hes been misguided a few times during the series, but he’s grown into such a well-meaning and kind-hearted person. Jason Stackhouse is so adorbs, even if he’s a bit on the daft side.

Sex is certainly the currency of trade at Camp Auschvamp. I’m simultaneously impressed and reviled by Pam’s employment of her significant talents to manipulate the schlobby pervert therapist. Pam is so devious. I love her. Poor thing for having to resort to his gluggy, cholesterol-clogged blood though.

The Vampire Chronicles: Interview with Eric Northman

You know that sepia-toned flashback where we see Eric Northman all done up like The Vampire Lestat, encountering human Nora for the first time  back in plague-ridden England? This is what we needed last season to generate sympathy for Nora. Now, I freakin’ adore Nora. Was that your intention, writer-room? Make us love Nora before she disintegrates into a goopy pile of vampire innards? Dicks.

In all seriousness, the Eric-Nora story arc in this episode was surprisingly moving. All the credit must go to Alexander Skarsgard (and yes, Lucy Griffiths for her baleful blue doe-eyes). True Blood doesn’t really give him much else to do other than strike threatening poses and drop sarcastic one-liners. It must’ve been nice for him to stretch his legs dramatically. He’s been on the brink of breaking out for a few years now. I really hope some casting director watches this and decides to put him in a movie where he’s more than “the broody dangerous sexy guy”. He’s the son of Stellan frickin’ Skarsgard, people! That’s some fine acting thoroughbred genes he’s got there. I beseech you, Internet denizens – let him be associated with better roles than Edward Cullen 2.0 in Fifty Shades of Grey.

It was absolutely gut-wrenching to watch him to clutch desperately to Nora as she (literally) fell apart in his arms. Please let this mean that this cues psycho-Eric. I’d love to watch him get genocidal on those racist motherf*ckers.

  
  

CONCLUSION: What was that? I still don’t give a shit about werewolves and shifters? Oh, yes, that’s correct.

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Suits Recap (S03 E01-02): Oh Captain Litt, My Captain

Louis is like that wannabe girl in high school that, no matter what she does, is still unpopular. Haven’t you realised by now Louis? The dynamic duo of Harvey + Mike will never be a triumvirate. You’re the Jenny Humphrey to their Blair and Serena. Strike out on your own Louis! I guarantee you there are other, more worthy people out there who would kill to join Team Litt.

That’s right, Louis. I want to be LITT UP.

Wooing for Team Litt

Louis Litt is my man. He’s come a long way from the vindictive, snivelling, two-faced coward in Season 1 and bloomed into the most sympathetic, eccentric, and well-developed character of Suits. His hairy behind has weaselled its way into my heart and established domicile. Poor Louis Litt was that kid that was bullied for being strange and socially-retarded in high school.

Who are we kidding? Pearson Hardman, now Pearson Darby, is high school with better clothes. Louis is still a Mathlete that loiters creepily around the drama club. Harvey is still the head jock / honour-roll student / bad boy prom king that snogs all the girls.

That’s why, when Nigel made an appearance, I was so thrilled. FINALLY, someone whose obsessive-compulsion and social-ineptitude matched the Litt level. But of course, after being betrayed so many times, Louis couldn’t recognise a true potential friend when he saw one. Its really quite sad. Not only did Nigel take his uni-balls and his bran bars, but taking the associates? That is LOW.

At least Louis got to experience his very own Dead Poets Society moment.

Bless Mike. All Louis wants is an ‘in’ with the cool kids. He just wants his own bro to romance.

Watching him and Louis tackle Eminent Domain this week was like watching the beginnings of a beautiful love story. The wining and dining. The steak. The cheesecake. The mud room – oh God, who could forget the glorious mud room.

  

Mike and Louis would’ve been a great team.

Mr & Mrs Specter

Alas, Louis could never stand in the way of true love. By that, of course, I mean Harvey Specter and his beleaguered bro-wife, Mike Ross.

As much as I want Mike and Louis to hook up, you can’t deny that Harvey and Mike are perfection. They are Ted & Marshall, they are Turk & J.D., they are Joey & Chandler, they are freaking Lucius Vorenus & Titus Pullo (“THIRTEENTH!!!!”). In sharply-tailored suits, of course.

That’s why it felt pretty frivolous watching Harvey and Donna meangirl Mike for two episodes.

They weren’t ever, ever, ever not going to get back together.

The Fungus Couple

Speaking of star-crossed lovers, I’ve never really been down with the Mike & Rachel connection. They were always kind of blah to me. It started off with him being all “ooh she’s so hot, she’s so feisty”, but then he got with Jenny. But he still flirted with Rachel. And then broke it off with Jenny. Started dating Rachel. But then broke it off with Rachel because he ‘couldn’t lie to her’. And she found out he’s a total fraud and liar. And she still takes him back?! Like, what up, Rachel? I thought you were a smart, empowered lady! He cheats and lies, but because he has innocent blue eyes and is supposedly well-endowed, its all totally peachy-keen?

(Haha, I just wanted an excuse to post that. Donna is mah guuurrrlll *snaps fingers while tossing hair around*.)

But whatever. I guess if writers are insisting that Mike & Rachel are the next Ross and Rachel (hoho Mike ROSS), then fine – I’ll get with the program.  I guess they’re kinda growing on me. Like a FUNGUS.

UGHHH FINE, I CONCEDE. That was pretty cute.

Don’t you hate it when Mommy and Daddy fight

While we’re evaluating couples, its so troubling when the ultimate power couple fights. By that, I mean Harvey and Jessica. Its like when Blair and Chuck fight – you can almost sense the looming apocalypse.

The world just ain’t right when they’re not scheming together. Let’s just acknowledge right now how the whole of Episode 2 was an allegory foreshadowing the potential double-crossing Harvey will be enacting on Jessica. I get it, she went behind his back. But don’t you think you’re being a little childish, Harvey? It was always her firm and if she needed a merger to survive, that’s her business. There’s a reason she can’t trust you, Harvey. You’re a loose cannon and now, you’re just proving her right with your recklessness and impulsiveness. Oh no, you didn’t get what you want. Boo frickin hoo. Let’s topple my patron and mentor because she put me in my place.

I love you Gabriel Macht, but you’re going to have to work really hard this season if you want me to keep supporting Team Harvey at the rate he’s going.

FYI – JESSICA PEARSON IS MY IDOL. This is my life plan: I shall be Jessica Pearson at 40, and Diane Lockhart at 50. I’ve clearly thought things through.

Jessica Pearson is one hot bitch with hella style, but wtf was she wearing in Episode 1? It was like she got cold and wrapped a dirty Ace bandage around her shoulders.

Game of Thrones suits up

You know who’s another hot bitch? Corporate Catelyn Stark. Whooo! You go, Michelle Fairley. Who knew Mrs Stark had such a rockin’ bod under all those furs.

You just know that Corporate Varys got her to hook-up. You know why Conleth Hill always plays a sneaky mofo? Because he does it with such charm and pizazz.

CONCLUSION: Can we stop the back-stabbing, guys? As we’ve just seen with Harvey and Mike, Jessica and Harvey will return to being the Brangelina of corporate law in no time. Let’s everyone go back to the status quo because any episode where anyone is scheming behind each others back is one wasted where they could’ve been awesomely taking down some slimy dickbag. Like Dominic. Ugh.

Silver lining? SUITS IS BACK! YAY!

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True Blood Recap (S06 E06): Dangerwhore’s Fairy Paradise

Have any of you girls ever had shiny bright fairy-light emanate from your crotch when you orgasmed? Hmm, no? Yeah, me neither. Maybe I should look into this ‘being a fairy’ thing.

Fairy Paradise

I’m pretty sure that 99.9% of the female True Blood audience is properly in love with Warlow by now. Especially after watching him pull a Prince Charming when rescuing Sookie’s drowning fairy butt:

    

That’s it. I’m done. Sorry, guys. I am very firmly on Team Warlow. Actually, I am Team Robert Kazinsky! Can’t decide what’s hotter – Robert Kazinsky rescuing fairy princess over here or Robert Kazinsky pummelling Kaiju ass in Pacific Rim.

You know, everyone gave Bella Swan a lot of shit for setting a bad example for young girls. Sookie Stackhouse makes Bella Swan look like Mother freakin’ Teresa.

Billith The Barely Functional

Can we just skip ahead to the part where Billith rescues vampire-kind already? He was made out to be all-powerful and shiz at the beginning of the season. So far, all he’s done is sit around weeping blood and kidnap a bunch of teenage fairy sluts.

I guess ripping off the Governor’s head is a step in the right direction.

Okayy, and him walking around in sunlight, impervious to bullets, mind-fucking guards and stuff. All that was pretty cool too.

   

Although, did he really just kill, and thus martyr, the one guy he could use for political gain? Nice one, dude. In the words of The Sister, BILL IS REALLY BAD AT BEING A VAMPIRE GOD.

Beeteedubs, Lillith’s downstairs wig was so bushy that you could see it straight through her dress. Was that really necessary, hair  department?

Camp Auschvamp

First off – THANK YOU FOR NOT KILLING ERIC AND PAM. I would like to renew my True Blood loyalty card. Pfft, Pam and Eric turning on each other? NEVAAARRR!!! Booyah, Newlins!

One question though – how did Pam get her hands on the eyeliner and lipstick? Is there a daily make-up ration at Camp Auschvamp? Or does Pam get special treatment because that schlubby pervert therapist has a thing for her?

This week, we discover that Sarah Newlin has clearly lost her marbles.

I guess having sex with a gay guy, an old guy, and then a vampire-lovin’ guy can have that effect on you. After trying to orchestrate the Eric-Pam Gladiator Showdown, she tries to get her revenge on Jason by making him sit through a ‘copulation study’ between a valiant vampire named James and our innocent baby vamp, Jess.

I know it was blatant emotional manipulation, but watching James steadfastly refuse to rape Jessica for their ‘research purposes’, even under pain of UV torture, really pulled at my delicate heartstrings. I know its an obvious allegory for highlighting ‘who the real monsters are’, but whatever. James was soppy dude, but I think Jessica needs some soppy sweetness right about now.

   

Seriously though, writers, can we please get James to come back for more episodes? I’m sensing a prison love-story here, folks.

Aw man, I really miss Jessica and Hoyt. Her and Jason Stackhouse just isn’t right. Although, kudos to Jason for using his noodle and talking his way into the LAVTF! Who would’ve thunk it. Jason Stackhouse, The Con Man.

Well, those racist fucks are also evil motherfuckers because contaminating the vampire food source with a bio-engineered virus is some malevolent Nazi shit. How is the rest of America so happy dandy with Louisiana on the brink of mass genocide? Seriously, Obama – don’t tell me the NSA doesn’t have hard-drives packed with files about Truman Burrell and his twisted vamp camp.

Oh yeah, and they killed off Nora (please, guys, of course she’s going to die). I guess that’s sad. For Eric.

    

Not to be insensitive, but I really do enjoy it when Eric tries to be human:

Can we just skip to the part where Billith tears apart the vamp camp Tru Blood facility with his bare hands already? (Or better yet, with his fancy new mind powers!)

R.I.P. Terry Bellefleur

Terry and Arlene were my favourite couple. Yes, even amongst the gamut of intense supernatural lovin’, Terry and Arlene – Tarlene (?) – were the true golden couple. Never mind that Terry had a gnarly case of PTSD that left him mentally debilitated fifty percent of the time. Never mind that Arlene is a divorcee single mother wrapped in a glossy layer of turquoise velour and white trash.

Their relationship was one founded on mutual trust and respect (unlike so many others on the show). After all, a couple that hides a murder together is one that stays together (not that I’m advocating homicide.) In the end, True Blood has lost its one and only proper love story.

We’ll miss you, Terry Bellefleur.

   

   

*Sniff* Can we all just remember happier times?

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True Blood Recap (S06 E05): Camp Auschvamp

And the best title of the Season goes to…. “Fuck The Pain Away”!

Ironic, since there’s very little fucking going on. Especially considering that its True Blood that we’re watching.

The Fairy Princess

Why does everything dramatic have to happen to Sookie? Its like what Ron Weasley very astutely observed about Harry Potter’s misfortunes: “Why is it always you?”

Let’s summarise the ‘bombshells’ that we’ve gathered throughout this episode. (I resisted writing this recap for the longest time purely to annoy The Sister, as she kept scurrying around the apartment screaming about how many ‘bombshells’ were dropped this week and how I needed to watch it so I could geek out with her.)

1. Sookie is a Fairy Princess.

2. Warlow is her betrothed. Together, they are meant to save the fairy race. Or, create a new fairy-vamp hybrid race?

3. Sookie’s dad has a lot in common with Medea and her infanticidal ways. Basically, he reckons that dead child > vamp child.

4. Warlow killed Sookie’s parents to stop them from killing her.

5. Lafayette channels Sookie’s dad, who possesses his body and tries to kill Sookie again.

On the shit side – UGHH SOOKIE. Sookie is so annoying. Can’t all this exciting stuff happen to someone else? Anyone else? Not only must all the hot men fall in love with Sookie and her fairy vagina, but she has to be frickin’ Fairy Royalty as well? As if she doesn’t think she’s special enough.

On the plus side – Robert Kazinsky is a babe. It’s a bit fan-fiction-y for him to be her immortal knight in shining armour, fighting for her life and love through the centuries and dimensions, yada, yada. Nevertheless, I’m totally feeling it. It might have something to do with the fact that Rob Kazinsky is totally dreamy. (For more evidence, please see Rob Kazinsky in Pacific Rim as a sexy robot pilot.)

Billow (Warlith?)

Has anyone noticed how… uh… bushy Lillith’s lower department is? Is there someone on the True Blood crew specially assigned to wrangling her merkin? Like, “Hi, I’m Doris. I’m going to be your Pubic Wig Stylist today!” I get it, though. She’s, like, super old and European (?) so going au naturel is the only way to go. It’s just awkward because its so obvious that its a wig. You can see clearly the boundaries of the piece. Its like the True Blood hair department was over-budget and someone decided it was a smart idea to glue Bert from Sesame Street’s hair piece over her crotch instead.

Okay, sorry. I’ve just spent an uncomfortable amount of words discussing Lillith’s vagina-wig.

The only sexing we get in this episode is Lilith awkwardly raping a primitive Warlow (Rob Kazinsky with a bad wig of his own).

Yeah, Billith chomping down on Jesus-haired Warlow was kinda awkward. Chick Lillith was fully sexed up on Warlow. Now that Bill is Billith, there’s the whole homoerotic element playing out again.. Is is just me, or has anyone else noticed that Warlow is getting frisky with a lot of the True Blood men? I guess Sookie can only hook up with so many of them before we get bored.

To summarise, Billith can command Warlow as his maker because he has Lillith’s blood essence in him. He tries to command Warlow to help him save vampire kind. Warlow tells him to get fucked. 

Warlow is now one of my fave characters. 

Writers, please hear this – Billith sucks. Bring back Bill Compton!

Camp Auschvamp

Firstly, Anna Camp is THE BEST. If ever you need a self-righteous priss with a hidden crazy/bitch streak, she’s your girl. Case in point – Anna Camp as Caitlin in The Good Wife, as Bethany Van Nuys in Mad Men, as Vomiting Acappella Queen in Pitch Perfect, as Southern Belle-Bitch in The Help. She’s really carved a niche for herself. 

She’s fucked a gay guy. She’s fucked an old guy. Now, she’s fucked a vampire-lovin’ guy. She really has shitty luck with men. Oh wait, she’s a hateful bigot. Nvm. Let’s hope she comes across an actual vampire guy at some point. She deserves some comeuppance.

This episode, we are introduced to Vamp Camp. Its very Auschwitz meets Shawshank Redemption meets Girl, Interrupted in a shiny Hunger Games Capitol facility. Honestly, I think its the most creative the writer’s have been all season. We can only stomach so much of Sookie’s love dramas before we crave something a bit different.

The vampires picked up by the LAVTF are shipped to this facility where they become test subjects. It serves as a research facility as well as a holding prison for vamp kind in the South. 

The vampires are sorted into four tiers according to intelligence. The elite are studied in psychotherapy sessions while the rest undergo tests ranging from physical endurance to, uh, coital prowess. Meanwhile, the rest are detained in communal mess areas where everyone tries their darndest not to get Shawshanked.

After Pam gets caught, Eric and Tara turn themselves in. Jessica gets nabbed after running into Conservative nutjob Anna Camp at Jason’s. 

Eric proves to be a bad ass at retrieving rubber balls and shooting people. Pam gets psychoanalyzed by a pervy therapist who likes to watch her drink blood out of exotic Asian bloodbank, Som Chai. Jessica whimpers like a Baby Vamp to Tara (get it together, Jess). 

And then, the twisted vamp-hating bigots decide to get Gladiator on Eric and Pam.

Let me just make this clear – if Eric or Pam dies in the next episode, I REFUSE TO CONTINUE WATCHING.

Plea to the Writers: Notice how there is no mention about Werewolves or Shifters? On principle, I refuse to write about those of whom I care little. Do your TV show a favour on focus on the supernatural group people actually care about. RAH RAH VAMPIRES! (Okay, I guess you can write a little about Sookie so long as you promise that you’ll focus on Warlow and his shirtless scenes.)

 

 

 

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True Blood Recap (S06 E03-E04): Supernatural stupidity

True Blood has turned into an elaborate Where’s Waldo picture book. Where the fuck, and who the fuck, is Warlow?

OHH RIGHT – BEN IS FREAKING WARLOW.

After a few seasons of seeing a gnarled face poking through the ether, I’m ashamed to say that I was totally caught off guard. A good-looking Warlow? Well, I’ll be damned! What a twist! (Despite the fact that practically everyone in True Blood is inhumanly beautiful – why would I ever expect Warlow to be as well?! No duh!)

The Warlow Saga

I may bitch and bitch about Sookie and her fairy vagina, but I’ll admit that I’m kinda hooked with this whole handsome Warlow thing. Okay, FINE. I’ll admit it!! Rob Kazinsky (aka. Ben/Warlow) is a total babe. I fought it because I knew that’s how the True Blood writers’ room operates – they introduce a hottie every season to shake things up in place of developing an actual coherent plotline. Well, its been working for five seasons, so why not a sixth? They picked a good one this season too. How can you resist it when he mugs it up, all earnest and kind and shit. I can smell the sex-starved-female-pheromones in the air – He’s not evil! He just wants to be luuurrrvved!! Plus, who knew shaving could be so homoerotic?

But yeah, moving along. Warlow, we find out, is a vampire-fairy hybrid. Supernatural TV shows are all about hybrids nowadays. Especially the villain/anti-hero hybrid. I just caught up with all four seasons of The Vampire Diaries and yup, RAMPANT with hybrids (FYI – Klaus is a smoking-hot hybrid). Its not sexy just to be one kind of supernatural being anymore. You have to be a slashie! (Much like the entertainment industry nowadays. Everyone has to be a actor-slash-director-slash-saviour of the known universe. Oh! Ben/Warlow is Angelina Jolie!)

Btw, is Sookie physically capable of keeping her damn clothes on? I’m pretty sure one is able to confront someone about their hybridism without first initiating couch-sex.

Oh yeah, so sad – no more Rutger Hauer as fairy grandfather. I was watching The Expendables for the first time the other day and it made me wonder why Rutger Hauer wasn’t there kicking ass alongside Dolph Lundgren. I’m not quite sure landing this True Blood gig instead is a triumph or a disappointment by comparison…

The Book of Billith

As it turns out, ingesting a sizeable volume of your progenitor’s stale millennia-old blood really fucks with your head. Symptoms include:

Pseudo-clairvoyant hallucinations, end-of-the-world syndrome, haemorrhaging from eye ducts…

…God complex, spontaneous combustion…

…and finally, the unexpected urge to kidnap teenage fairy-girls.

Bill sends Jessica to kidnap chubby Jap doctor who was the original creator of Tru Blood. Bill then send Jessica to kidnap the gullible fairy-girls. Bill uses his older-gentleman charm (which is kinda creepy given his fatherly vibes) to extract their blood for chubby Jap doctor to synthesise. Bill wants to create the ultimate vampire Gatorade (full of fairy-electrolytes!) for military use. Oh no! The blood breaks down too fast to synthesise! Chubby Jap doctor needs a constant supply of fairy-blood to study! Bill then leaves Jessica, the Baby Vamp, in a room, alone, with four walking balls of vampire-catnip. HOW COULD THIS PLAN GO WRONG?!

OOPS

Sheriff Bellefleur will not be pleased.

The Great Southern Apartheid

Eric, on the other hand, has another Master Plan. Not quite as technologically-advanced as the mass production of liquid vampire-steroids. No, he takes a more Avatar-like (i.e. the getting-someone-to-go-native) approach, albeit with just as much kidnapping. He’s getting jiggy with psychological warfare!

Eric’s plan involves: (a) kidnapping the daughter of the governor leading the anti-vampire charge in the South, (b) giving her major Stockholm Syndrome via his rock-hard abs and soulful eyes, and (c) sending his baby-vamp back to Daddy to convince him to stop hunting vampires. HOW COULD THIS PLAN GO WRONG?!

Oh yeah, Willa tries to chow down on Daddy, thus intensifying his hatred of vampires. Whoops.

Inducing Stockholm Syndrome in 2 Easy Steps:
Step 1, lock her in a coffin with you. Step 2, be a hot viking sex god.

Eric and Bill, The Viking Warrior and The Civil War Veteran, failing miserably at simple military strategy. Sun Tzu would be ashamed.

(Sidenote: Tara is still bitchy and annoying. Pam is still awesome. Tara gets Pam shot, thereby multiplying her bitchy/annoying factor.)

Wolves, Shifters, and other inconsequential folk

When did Alcide start acting like such a huge dick? It’s like, get naked a few times, eat a bit of wolfman flesh, put a leather jacket on him, and voila! – instant asshole! Plus, he’s gotten really high and mighty with the whole “I AM YOUR PACKMASTER” line. He’s said it so much he’s turning into Khaleesi (i.e. “I am your Khaleesi and you will do as I say!”).

Wolf-bitches! Wolf-bitches everywhere!

Also, NOT COOL SAM. Three day after your girlfriend dies, you start making out with some civil rights activist chick while your dead girlfriend’s daughter is in the next room? SO NOT COOL.

Conclusion: Vampirism compromises the ability to think strategically. Fairy-ism causes the inability to keep your clothes on. Lycanthropy enhances your inner douchebag. Shifter-ism convolutes any sense of moral decency. Have I left anything out?

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True Blood Recap (S06 E01-E02): The Genesis of Billith

Huzzah! My favourite Southern supernatural blood-orgy has returned! My summer is complete! (Well, its winter in Melbourne. True Blood keeps me toasty at night, thinking of the various shenanigans the writers’ are going to put Sookie’s fairy cooch through.)

However, did anyone in the blogosphere really feel the need to recap the premiere of True Blood Season 6? Thus, the combined post. We shan’t grant a whole blog post to a filler episode, shall we? Its the principle of the matter.

So where are we?

Let’s all just admit that Season 5 took a turn towards the outlandishly comical by the end of its run. Shall we recap it? Vampires partying Amsterdam-style while hopped-up on ancient blood. Andy Bellefleur’s baby-mama birthing their half-breed quadruplets on a pool table. Luna shifting into Steve Newlin on live TV (okay, that was moderately cool). That goddamn fairy night-club (really, writers?). And finally, BILLITH.

Alas, just like Jon Hamm, I can’t quit you, True Blood. No matter how silly you get, I shall stick by you. I relish every moment of its nonsensical ridiculousness (and that’s saying a lot considering the stupidity of Sookie’s moronic fairy-land plotline).

The Book of Billith

I love me some Bill Compton! He’s the sexy Southern gentleman with the voice of silk. You know your lady-parts get tingly when he says ‘Sookeh’. At the end of last season, Bill chugged down Lillith’s blood, melted like the Wicked Witch into a pool of red cornstarch syrup, and arose from the bloody primordial ooze as the new God of Vampires  – ALL HAIL BILLITH!

He goes on a massive murder spree while in the nude (as you do), and when he comes to, we see that its basically still just Bill. But with fancy powers. OooOOoOOooHhHhhhh, *powers*! Now everyone is geeking out, all “omgawd Bill is a mooonster! What shall we doo?” Take a chill pill, vampire dudes. Don’t get all Salem Witch Trials-hysterical because you don’t understand what you see.

You know what just totally grates on me? SOOKIE STABBING BILL IN THE BACK. LITERALLY. (Crazy bitch.)

For the first 4-5 seasons, we are treated to the epic ballad of Bill & Sookie’s love. Now, here comes along this Viking Sex God and Sookie is all “That’s not Bill anymore!!”? She is one flaky fairy. So what if he naked-murders a few vampire authority cronies? Okay, its kinda weird, but after all that you two have been through, maybe he might be worth the benefit of the doubt? And then by freaking Episode 2, she’s already vibe-ing with some random half-fairy dude? COME ON.

A relationship that I find thoroughly more satisfying is the tender familial bond blooming between Bill and Jessica. Just goes to show that family always trumps that silly notion of being ‘in love’. For crying out loud, she stuck by him when he had that massive psychological breakdown where he freaking wept blood and developed incredibly disturbing telekinetic blood-vacuuming powers. Tha’ shi’ be f***cked uuup.  I mean, how many daughters order bloodwhore take-out for their mentally deranged papas?

BabyVamp still loves you, Billith!

The Southern Vampire Apartheid 

Ugh the Governor guy makes me want to hurl. He is everything that is wrong with politics – people who leverage themselves into power by capitalising on a fear-mongering state of affairs. It utterly disgusts me. He is the bald, bespectacled Michele Bachmann of vampires. Take a cue for Bachmann and RETIRE.

Too bad Eric’s little sabotage mission didn’t quite work. It did give us this beautiful gem to treasure though: NERDY ERIC. Whoever didn’t burst out in bout of giddy giggles and wild clapping is lying.

I found it deeply fascinating and frighteningly realistic the weapons that the humans have manufactured to combat the “filthy vampers”. Glamour-proof contact lenses? Silver bullets that emit UV rays? I have to admit its pretty impressive. (It gives me confidence in our survival in the event of a zombie apocalypse. No seriously, I believe its going to happen and I’m well-prepared. I have perused all of Max Brooks‘ books.)

Speaking of UV-ray silver bullets, Tara is a big ole idiot that needs to keep that trap shut. Have you noticed how her incessant outbursts have repeatedly gotten her in deep, echoing shit? She’s like the black, Southern, adult version of Arya Stark – only less cute and a great deal less lucky. Tara is just so UGGHH. Case in point – she jumped on a freaking bar and got SHOT. Like, what the hell Tara, sit the f*ck down.

And this whole Pam/Tara lesbian-love situation? I am not a fan. Pam can do better. Even Nora would be a better choice (and I am NOT a fan of Nora’s.)

Speaking of Nora, they tried to set her up as this prodigy political genius last season. Eric repeated it enough times, but I’m not quite sure I believe it. So when Nora (aka. Bitch Sergeant) spends these two episodes constantly shooting out orders, I’m totally with Pam on this:

But back to the point Tara was making about Pam and Eric. He really does treat her like crap. Seeing how Jessica interacts with Bill though, I sorta get it. He is her maker and her first epic love. Her feelings towards him are fathoms more than romantic. It really cuts me when I see him treating her like shit. Especially when he treats her like shit for the sake of Sookie and her magical fairy vagina. I’m pretty sure this is akin to the psychology of domestic abuse, but she just can’t quit him.

Oh Pam, you don’t know just how much I want better things for you! YOU ARE A GODDESS. Don’t let the bastards grind you down.

The F*cking Fairies

F*CKING FAIRIES. (I refuse to spell it as “faery” because its stupid enough as it is.)

Worst. Plotline. Ever.

Sookie and her ballet of insipidity can be encapsulated in one line:

“Jason, I am your f*cking fairy grandfather.” (*DRY HEAVE*)

And seriously, Andy Bellefleur’s fairy-hybrid quadruplets that possess the growing abilities of that frickin’ Twilight baby? Just, NO.

Even Andy knows how freaking dumb this is.

Is this really the best way to employ Arlene, writers? Carrie Preston is a comedic genius and the best you can do for her are heehaw diaper jokes!? Criminal.

The Shifters/Wolves

I don’t care.

Who is this? I really can’t remember. Ugh, that gross wolfpack orgy. Cover up, Alcide (seriously, I never thought I’d say that).

God, those two gifs look like a clip from an angry, bestiality-fetish porno.

Sam is so boring. Emma is so boring. Thank god we have Lafayette to liven things up.

UGH, I JUST DON’T CARE

In Conclusion – Episode 2 was a lot better than Episode 1. If it were up to me, we would kill off all the wolves, the shifters, the fairies, and just focus on the vampires. Lafayette and Arlene can run Merlotte’s as a friendly neighbourhood vampire watering hole where all the vampires can come hobnob and jump sharks to the sounds of canned laughter a la Happy Days.

BONUS – If you don’t watch BabyVamp’s Vlog already, you freaking should. Jessica Hamby is so adorbs. (And this is the Tara I like – the sarcastic, flippant bitch that just dont give a damn. Leave the dramarama to Sookie.)

 

 

 

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Mad Men Recap (S06 E13): The 70s suck

I have not bothered recapping the last few episodes of Mad Men because (a) I’m lazy, and (b) the story arcs have been sub-standard.

As such, (a) + (b) = (c) I am lazy to recap sub-standard crap.

I understand that Mad Men holds itself to a different standard of story-telling. Matthew Weiner doesn’t do the cliff-hangers, the bottle episodes, the melodrama etc etc – all hallmarks of typical television dramas. However, it has to be said that skewering all the characters of your TV show can’t be considered good television either.

In seasons past, no matter what the crazy shit it was that they pulled, you always felt an illogical loyalty to whomever your favourite characters were. Whether it was Pete cheating on his wife, Don cheating on his wife, or Peggy cheating her way to the top, there was always a little voice in the back of my head going, “aww, but its not all his / her fault – they just have a shit deal.” Mad Men has achieved the impossible by rendering every character, no matter how minor, as an actual human being. And that, my fellow TV nerds, is what makes compelling television.

Now obviously, I’m not the type of viewer that watches Mad Men to analyze the significance of Megan Draper’s t-shirt (can we all just admit that the whole Sharon Tate murder thing was a complete red herring?) or the importance of Bob Benson’s coffee-drinking habits. I know that a bunch of viewers enjoy the intellectual workout that Mad Men offers – that’s where they get their kicks, and thats fine by me.

Take that, conspiracy theorists! Megan is STILL ALIVE.

However, I’ve taken enough film and television studies courses at university to vow never to over-analyze, and thus ruin, my TV shows. Mad Men is genius – its smart, well-written, highly cerebral, but more than that, it was engaging as all hell. For those who thought Mad Men was just a bunch of pretentious tosh, I would always shoot back, “YOU ARE DAMNED FOOLS!”

The reason for that has always been because of one reason: YOU CARED FOR THE CHARACTERS. You cared about their lives, their journeys – it was like watching your best friends screw up week after week, and you sat there in blind support because you gave a damn about their futures.

That’s why it pained me this season to watch all the main characters slowly screw themselves over and over. The glittering glamour of the 60s is over, folks. Welcome to the muddy mess that is the 70s.

Nevertheless, I have decided to break my silence because this episode gave me a glimmering flicker of hope that its all going to be okay.

Douchebag Draper – As much as I harp on about how I hate Don Draper, that doesn’t mean that I don’t want him to find redemption. I’ve hated on him pretty hard this season, but I see why now. He’s like that childhood friend that I can’t quit – no matter how much he fucks up, no matter how much I rage about his bullshit, I still want him to dig himself out of that alcoholic, philandering hole and get his shit together. Matthew Weiner tore him down, and this episode was Don’s rock-bottom. Sally won’t speak to him, his partners as SC&P have ousted him, and Megan has seemingly left him. He is finally getting everything he deserves and it was all of his own making. Strangely enough, I felt no joy at his ruin. Instead, I felt an immense tug of hope well up inside me when he took Sally and his boys to see his childhood home. This was Don trying to face his past, and rebuild his present. Kudos, Jon Hamm – I can’t ever quit you.

20 pts (for recognising the vast failures of your life and trying to get your shit together)

Miss Peggy – Hey girl, you finally got it on with Teddy Chaough. I hope it was hot, because we can’t be having that infidelity crap hampering your meteoric rise in the advertising world.

What up, Don? Peggy is in the house. As much as I liked Ted, her whole arc with him has been a distraction from where she needs to go. Where I need her to go. And that is, the top of the heap. God love her for not being a coldly ambitious ice queen – Peggy is still a girl who wants to love and be loved, as much as she wants to be the ultimate advertising dragon-lady. But hon, like Ted says, him leaving for LA is going to be the best thing that’s happened to you.

10 pts (for her ridiculous get up to make Ted jealous, proving that she’s just like the rest of us silly girls) + 20 pts (for telling Ted to get the hell out) = 30 pts

We’ve all been there, Peggs.

Ted Chaough – Oh honey, NO. It’s not okay to cheat on your family. You’re better than Don. It’s also not okay to seem so overwhelmingly decent and earnest in your love confessions, and then change your mind on a girl.

NOT OKAY.

– 30 pts (for cheating on the familia) – 20 pts (for “if I can’t have you, no one can”) + 5 pts (for going to LA after realising that YOU’RE BETTER THAN THAT) = -45 pts

Sideburns Campbell – Oh dear, his receding hairline is receding even faster. That dastardly Manolo! Pete’s family life is becoming a bit too soap-operatic for my taste – Oh no! He cheats on his wife! Oh no! She kicks him out! Oh no! His mom has dementia! Oh no! His mom’s gay caretaker marries her on a cruise-liner, throws her overboard, and tries to steal her money! OH NOOOES! (Seriously, read that last line again to yourself and tell me that doesn’t sound like a plot line from The Bold and The Beautiful.) (No disrespect to B&B – the women of my family have been enjoying the crazy adventures of Brooke Logan-Chambers-Jones-Marone-Forrester for over two delightful decades now.) But like Don, Pete has very much hit bottom (maybe not rock-bottom, but bottom enough to realise his life sucks) and there is a glimmering hope at the end of the tunnel. Bonus – we got to see Trudy! I’ve missed you, Miss Alison Brie. Like she says, Pete is finally free of everything. May he make the best of it.

10 pts (for his hilarious freakouts over the phone) + 5 pts (for his poignant moment with Tammy) = 15 pts

In commemoration of a happier time.

Silver Fox – Roger is the great love of my Mad Men life. You can’t ever hate him. And more than that, you genuinely feel sorry for him despite his shenanigans. He is that perpetual lost boy who doesn’t know what happened to his life.

20 pts (for calling out his brat of a daughter, because she’s a BRAT) + 10 pts (for his effortless charm with little Kevin) = 30 pts

Bob Benson – LOL Bob wins at everything.

50 pts (for being in everyone’s face all the time)

WINNER: Bob Benson – for being completely, and utterly unflappable. He is Don of the 70s, but better.

See that rosy sepia tint? That’s me missing the 60s:

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Game of Thrones Recap (S03 E10): Wolf-headed Robb

I KNOW… The episode aired two weeks ago. What is wrong with me?!

I’ll tell you what – me watching the brutal slaughter of Robb Stark and his brethren was like an alcoholic going on a bender of Charlie-Sheen-like proportions, only to awake in a puddle of pills and puke. I needed to check into the George RR Martin Clinic for Recovering Viewers for a fortnightly stint. I’m faring better, folks, so here’s the jam:

THE BREAKDOWN

Our ever-noble, King of the North

Last week, I was all a-twitter, asking “Where’s wolf-head Robb? Are they going to show it?” I thought it would be so disappointing to miss out on this spectacularly gruesome detail from the novel. The opening of the episode served it up, nice and cold. Nothing was more infuriating and distressing than the sight of Grey Wind’s head however, skewered, out of Robb’s body. It made me want to crush skulls and eviscerate men. Smack that shit on a poster and you’ll have your martyr for the North. I guarantee it’d be more effective recruiting soldiers than Uncle Sam and his pointer finger. (E.g. just watch Arya stab the shit out of that guy who was bragging about sticking the wolf-head onto Robb)

A good deal more gruesome than I expected it to be. Its a testament to the Game of Thrones effects team that shit like this doesn’t throw me as much anymore. I feel like a proper Westerosi denizen – “Yeah, sure, I see mutilated king’s corpses all the time – no biggie. Adding that wolf head was an asshole move though.”

King’s Landing

Its sweet to see Sansa warming to Tyrion. Peter Dinklage truly embodies the decency and hopeful loneliness of a lifelong outcast. The two of them plotting to “sheep-shift” Desmond Crakehall is adorbs. You get the feeling that Sansa is the little girl, strolling with Mummy and Daddy in the gardens (Mummy being Tyrion’s whore-mistress and Daddy being her hubby, Tyrion).

When Varys tried to bribe Shae to go away though, its admirable that she chucked it in his face. It felt a little bit soap opera-esque though. I can’t get down with Shae, for some reason.

Isn’t Joffrey just the most annoying little prick? He’s like that kid at school who is a total cowardly douchebag, bullying the poor kids because his Daddy is richer than theirs. Can someone smack his smug face already? OH WAIT, Tyrion already did that. Let’s enjoy:

Epic LOLs. Too bad he can’t do that anymore. He’d probably get his hands chopped off and be forced to eat them or something nasty like that. Joffrey is a sicko. That whole “I want to serve Sansa Robb’s head”? WHERE DOES HE GET THIS STUFF? Cersei – what kind of XXX snuff films did you show him as a child?!

Anyway, that whole Small Council scene was SO MUCH YES!

God, there is SO MUCH AWESOME going on in this scene. Case in point:

“Monsters are dangerous and, just now, kings are dying like flies.” – WUH-WUUUT?!

“The King is tired. See him to his chambers.” – Run along now, widdle Joffrey-poo, before you get a proper spanking. My god, if I had Tywin Lannister as my gramps, I’d be pissing myself.

“Explain to me why it is more noble to slaughter 10,000 men in battle than a dozen at dinner.” – I’m totally down with that School of Tywin’s Art of War.

But, dayummm, Tywin. That man be COLD. Tyrion: “When have you ever done something […] solely for the benefit of the family?” / Tywin: “The day that you were born!”

THAT HAS GOT TO STING. I’m giving out free hugs, Tyrion. Come claim.

Bran, The Little Man

Blah, blah, the North is cold. Blah-de-blah, don’t kill a guest under your roof! Its bad ju-ju! Yes, be more obvious, HBO-GoT writer’s room. At least we have Walder Frey’s comeuppance to look forward to.

I actually thought it was pretty cool when Bran met up with Fat Sam and Gilly. It felt like cross-over fanfic! Can you imagine how sweet its going to be when Khaleesi gets her groove on with Jon Snow or something? EPIC.

The Traitorous Twosome: Walder & Roose

Whenever I say the name “Walder”, my brain automatically thinks “Balder Walder”. I HOPE THE REST OF YOUR HAIR FALLS OUT, YOU FILTHY TRAITOR!

Watching Balder Walder and Roose conspiring together, like they’re some epic martial geniuses, makes the bile rise in my throat. It’s clear to everyone but Walder Frey that no one respects him any more now than before. Just look at Roose’s patronising sneer. I hope Roose is stuck with that blithering idiot forever, like the Pinky to his Brain.

Balder Walder and Roose Bolton

Theon Gayjoy

So, I’m guessing Theon got a proper gelding. Ouch.

This made me giggle like a tween. Then, I immediately felt slightly disgusted with myself. Is it just me or does he kinda look like the dark-twisted doppelgänger of Samwise Gamgee?

That bastard Ramsay and Joffrey should get together. They’d be great mates, with their fondness for dismembering people and sending various body parts to their families’.

The Fleabottom Boys

Yay for hometown solidarity! Davos rescuing Gendry was all kinds of touching. I get these pangs of concern for Davos though. He’s acting very Ned Stark-y. I don’t want his head rolling around anytime soon.

This felt very crossover-fanfic to me as well. Its like that feeling you get when you meet someone from your hometown when you’re overseas. That massive “OMG, I DONT KNOW YOU BUT YOU MUST BE COOL BCUZ YOU’RE FROM HOME! LETS BE BFFS 4EVA (or, at least until the end of my trip)!”

Can I just reiterate how handsome Joe Dempsie now looks compared to his druggie-Chris from Skins days?

The NOOORTH

YEAAAAHHHH GURL, SHOOT THAT BASTARD DOWN!!! It took me a while to get on Team Ygritte, but I’ve never loved her more than this moment.

Okay, she’s a whole lot of cray-cray. Like, her and Taylor Swift could be best buds. What she did reminded me of Carrie Underwood’s ultimate ‘bitch-be-crazy!’ anthem. But nevertheless, Jon Snow was a bit of a dick-tool. He got in there, made her love him with all his lovey-talk, then he just rode off. TOOL.

“I am the Khaleesi, and you will do as I say!”

You mark my words, she is going to rule Westeros and the Eastern Kingdoms. LOOK AT HER, getting lifted up on people’s shoulder’s and shit. That is RELIGIOUS FANATICISM. She is the JESUS of Game of Thrones. She is MHYSA!!!

BONUS – Everyone has seen this on Buzzfeed, but it made me snort big-time into my lunch. This is Game of Throne’s, according to some random’s dad. ENJOY:

EXTRA BONUS – Shout out to Daniel Shpeizer for the kick up the arse. You post this stuff onto the Interwebs, hoping that it doesn’t get sucked up into the void of Internet-crap where pedos and lolcats reside. Thanks for letting me know that I’m not alone. All I can say is:

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Game of Thrones Recap (S03 E09): DOWN WITH THE FREYS

I read the third book almost two years ago. I have had a long time to ponder the death of my beloved Robb Stark. Nevertheless, when The Red Wedding erupted into a violent bloody gorefest, it very nearly incapacitated my poor little brain.

I thought I was prepared. I read the books after the first season, after I fell deeply in love and solidified my destiny to become Mrs. (Lady?) Robb Stark. Robb was rather poorly-drawn in the book, but by imagining the handsome Richard Madden in the role, I was engrossed in his story. Then came ‘A Storm of Swords’. The Red Wedding sent me spiralling into a clinical depression over the doom of my fantasy hubby. I nested in the darkness for days, wallowing in grief and having nightmares about his wolf-headed corpse (okay, no nightmares – just a lot of laziness and instant noodles).

I think if everyone who has ever been psychologically traumatised by George RR Martin came together,  we could probably launch quite a sizeable class-action lawsuit and win some major damages.

Anyway, point is, I’ve had almost two years to come to terms with Robb Stark’s unceremonious murder. Still, watching ‘The Rains of Castamere’ last night felt  like I was reliving the brutal homicide of a loved one.

It started with Walder Frey’s (aka. Argus Filch from the Harry Potter movies) pervy comments about what was ‘underneath’ Talisa’s dress. They thought he was just being a dirty old man, but it wasn’t her nakedness he was referring to. Of course, he knew about the bun in the oven. His old-man cock had cooked up enough to know, I’m sure. That was the final, ultimate slight. Of course he had no qualms humiliating the Queen of his sovereign. He KNEW that none of them were making it out alive.

And then of course, there’s pretty Roslin Frey. Edmure grinned like a blithering idiot when they lifted the veil and it turned out his new Walder wife was totally boink-able.

IF IT SEEMS LIKE ITS TOO GOOD TO BE TRUE – EDMURE – IT PROBABLY IS. Brynden Tully has it right – Edmure is a FOOL.

Sidenote – Filch’s face was PRICELESS when everyone saw how gorgeous Roslin was. He was all, “that’s right, ROBB, look what you could’ve had.”

Then, freaking Talisa had to go tell Robb that, “ohh I have a baby in me and if it’s a boy, imma gonna name it Eddard. After the dumbest man in Westeros.” Foreshadowing much? Doesn’t everyone know by now? George RR Martin lifts us up until we soar. And then, HE CUTS US DOWN LIKE THE MANIAC THAT HE IS.

Baby Ned, harbinger of doom.

I refuse! I reject all that warm-fuzzies! I refuse to let you, evil GoT producers, make me root for this happy couple when I know that you have sent them to the Twins to DIE. (I couldn’t help it though – my heart got all gooey at the thought of Baby Eddard and Papa Robb riding horses together.)

AND THEN, Walder Frey showed the world that he is THE WORST WEDDING PLANNER, EVER. It started with The Rains of Castamere floating down from the wedding violins. Suspicious… Then, Catelyn Stark discovers the chainmail under Roose Bolton’s clothes (THAT TRAITOROUS BASTARD). More suspicious… Well, you guys know the rest:

This is how I feel:

JUST LET IT END. PLEASE.

That scene is a watershed moment in TV history. Nothing before it has ever been more devastating to watch. And the long silence at the end, as Catelyn had her throat sliced open? Thats the kind of stuff that will haunt your dreams. Michelle Fairley deserves an Emmy for that monologue.

At this point, I really dont give two hoots about the rest of the episode.

Jon leaves Ygritte because he couldn’t kill some innocent old horse-farmer guy.

You’re telling me, sister. That’s the face I made when George RR Martin smacked me repeatedly in the face with Robb’s death.

Daenerys (or should I say, Daario) conquers Yunkai. Grey Worm is a TOTAL BAD ASS (good investment, Khaleesi).

Jorah’s not so bad either. Daario’s scyth caused sympathy pains in my abdominal region every time he disemboweled a Yunkish guard. Watch them in their full glory:

Uh, something happened with Bran. Little Rickon, whom I thought was mentally-challenged, spoke more lines in this episode that I’ve heard him speak all series. And little Arry has a case of “gosh darn it, I missed them again!”

It was a brutal episode. Alas, my fellow Thronies, we have made it to the other side, minus one Young Wolf. It really sucks to be a Stark in Westeros right now.

And this makes me want to smother my sorrows in Gippsland blueberry yoghurt:

BONUS – I really need to feel better right now, so enjoy this adorable photo posted up by the Queen Regent of Twitter. Let’s all pray for the well-being of Tyrion. I can’t bear to lose another.

 

 

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