Tag Archives: Alcide Herveaux

True Blood Recap (S06 E08-E09): Tarlene Forever

Firstly, apologies for my truly lacklustre work ethic. Forgive me for schlumping two episodes together in this recap. Sure, I’m a lazy turd. However, let’s just all admit that jack-all happened in Episode 8 except for some sappy Sookie soul-searching.

The Fairy Princess Bride

Oh my god, Sookie has been wearing that same outfit (floral skirt, thigh high black socks, and boots) for three frickin episodes. Doesn’t it smell? Doesn’t it smell of SHINY FAIRY SEX JUICES and DEAD DADDY SWAMP MURDER? As harrowing as her story is, I was mainly glad that she finally got a hot shower and a fresh set of clothes. (Even if said clothes  looked like they belonged in my seventh grade wardrobe. Those pigtails, however, I left in kindergarten.)

Here’s the skinny: Bill wants Warlow’s blood so he can pass it around like the bloody Holy Grail and level up all the vampires at Camp Auschvamp into day-walkers. Tricky thing is that everyone hates Bill now because he’s a delusional megalomaniac and nobody wants to help him.

Nevertheless, Sookie wants to save her friends (yada, yada) so she opts in to Bill’s Vamp-Saving Brigade and agrees to persuade Warlow to help. In return, Warlow drops an ultimatum on Miss Fairy Princess – you want my blood? you better fuckin’ marry me. Well, he says it a lot nicer than that. He proposes (eternity) to her.

Hehe – look at Rob Kazinsky. Gosh darn it, ain’t he a cutie?!

She reluctantly agrees to being his Fairy Princess Bride for all of Eternity, of course, because she is the ultimate danger-whore. However, not before she tries to scam on Sam to try and make him ask her to give up her powers. Good on you, Sam, for telling her to shove off! (Applause)

What is it with Anna Paquin and trying to relinquish her powers to be normal? Sookie doesn’t want to be a fairy with bright shiny powers. Anna Marie doesn’t want to be Rogue and chill with the cool-as-fuck X-Men.  (Plus who the fuck doesn’t want to spend eternity with Warlow and his six-millenia hard on?) Does Anna Paquin just give off that normal nancy vibe, casting directors? I really want to know! As stupid as it is sometimes, I would rather be a fucking fairy with shiny hands that gets to bump uglies with hot supernatural men than be a regular ole bumpkin in Bon Temps with 3.5 children and a chubby booze-guzzling husband.

Final note – kudos to Anna Paquin for that stirring speech about how she’d rather be a walking corpse and for her parents to fuck off for being close-minded murderous douchebags. Snaps for Sookie!

Sarah Newlin is INSANE-ULOUS

MEGA-FUCKIN-SNAPS for ANNA CAMP and her award-worthy turn as Sarah Newlin: Crazy Christian Crackpot.

Item #1 – Sarah Newlin hamster-wheels her ex-hubby

Item #2 – Sarah Newlin tries to bake a pie with Vamp-gizzard filling (Bye, Steve Newlin – its been fun!)

  

  

Item #3 – Sarah Newlin smashes up the face of Asian Corporate Lady

I was totally rooting for bad-ass Asian chick though. YEAHH!! KNEE HER IN HER LADY BALLS!

Let this be a lesson to ye, little children. Stilettos kill. Let justice rain down upon those who are deserving. In the form of an angry Jason Stackhouse:

Screen Shot 2013-08-14 at 12.27.18 AM

Anna Camp as Sarah Newlin has been one of the most thrilling, psychopathic villains True Blood has had in a while. Though she is not physically intimidating, she has that maniacal glint in her eye – the same one that gives you the heebie-jeebies when you enter the same room as Hannibal Lecter or Ted Bundy. Albeit, she’s the Serial Killer Lite version. Essentially, she is Russell Edgington with bouncy blonde hair.

Uprising at Camp Aushchvamp

A big welcome back to Eric Northman: Badass Edition 2.0. We’ve waited for this as long as Pam has waited for Eric to forget Sookie’s fairy vagina. Let’s take a gander at Eric’s greatest hits the last couple episodes:

We have snarky Eric

We have puzzled Eric

We have playful Eric

We have magnanimous Eric

..and, we have scary Eric.

Last season, we were knee-deep in Eric’s love-sickness for Sookie and her fancy-smelling blood. Its such a delight to see him revert to the one-man massacre machine we all knew him to be. His rescue last night was like watching a sadistic Jason Bourne liberating the bloodthirsty inmates from that mental hospital in American Horror Story. Of particular note was his spectacular castration of the cowardly Dr Overlark – 7/10 for Technical Difficulty, 9/10 pts for Execution, and 10/10 for Style!

But of course, true to form, Eric abandons Pam as soon as he is able. “Alritey then, Pam’s okay – time for me to Superman off into the sunset and break her heart all over again!”

Pam and Eric’s relationship is certainly one of the strong points of True Blood. For Pam, Eric is a fascinating amalgam of father figure, lover, soulmate, brother, and idol. In fact, she kind of comes off as the most loyal follower in Eric’s evil cult. She’s a little bit like the Bellatrix Lestrange to his Lord Voldemort.

  

Can we just note how inhumanly good that prison jumpsuit looks on Pam. A real diva brings it, no matter what the outfit.

On a side note, I’m very much enjoying the new bad bitch in town: Violet Mazurski, the hardcore old-school medieval-times Catholic. There aren’t many people who can tell Pam to eff off and live to brag about it.

  

Plus, I’m really keen to see how Violet getting all Fatal Attraction on Jason will pan out. I bet there will bunnies involved.

  

(Pam be like, ‘You’re on your own, Jason.’)

The Terry Bellefleur Retrospective

Thank you, writer room, for this touching and bittersweet homage to the best husband and father in True Blood: Terry Bellefleur. As each mourner reminisced their ‘Terry story’ with the crowd, each vignette gave us a glimpse into his sweet, damaged, stoic soul. It wasn’t all doom and gloom though. From Andy, to Sam, to Lafayetter (especially Lafayette), it was nice to be reminded of Terry in all his charmingly eccentric glory.

  

  

And like I said before, Terry and Arlene’s stable, supportive romance grounds the show amidst the various supernatural shenanigans (i.e. shiny fairy sex, obsessive Catholic vampires, brother-sister vampcest…etc). Brangelina? Pfft, Tarlene ftw.

  

  

p.s. A Sneaky Note on Shifters and Wolves

While I don’t condone violence against women, props to Alcide for showing that crazy were-bitch, Ricki, who’s boss. I might be ready to offer a tentative hand of friendship to Alcide. Especially if he pulls more of these – behold, Alcide posing with a bottle of ‘Man-scent’ and his adoring fans:

 

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True Blood Recap (S06 E03-E04): Supernatural stupidity

True Blood has turned into an elaborate Where’s Waldo picture book. Where the fuck, and who the fuck, is Warlow?

OHH RIGHT – BEN IS FREAKING WARLOW.

After a few seasons of seeing a gnarled face poking through the ether, I’m ashamed to say that I was totally caught off guard. A good-looking Warlow? Well, I’ll be damned! What a twist! (Despite the fact that practically everyone in True Blood is inhumanly beautiful – why would I ever expect Warlow to be as well?! No duh!)

The Warlow Saga

I may bitch and bitch about Sookie and her fairy vagina, but I’ll admit that I’m kinda hooked with this whole handsome Warlow thing. Okay, FINE. I’ll admit it!! Rob Kazinsky (aka. Ben/Warlow) is a total babe. I fought it because I knew that’s how the True Blood writers’ room operates – they introduce a hottie every season to shake things up in place of developing an actual coherent plotline. Well, its been working for five seasons, so why not a sixth? They picked a good one this season too. How can you resist it when he mugs it up, all earnest and kind and shit. I can smell the sex-starved-female-pheromones in the air – He’s not evil! He just wants to be luuurrrvved!! Plus, who knew shaving could be so homoerotic?

But yeah, moving along. Warlow, we find out, is a vampire-fairy hybrid. Supernatural TV shows are all about hybrids nowadays. Especially the villain/anti-hero hybrid. I just caught up with all four seasons of The Vampire Diaries and yup, RAMPANT with hybrids (FYI – Klaus is a smoking-hot hybrid). Its not sexy just to be one kind of supernatural being anymore. You have to be a slashie! (Much like the entertainment industry nowadays. Everyone has to be a actor-slash-director-slash-saviour of the known universe. Oh! Ben/Warlow is Angelina Jolie!)

Btw, is Sookie physically capable of keeping her damn clothes on? I’m pretty sure one is able to confront someone about their hybridism without first initiating couch-sex.

Oh yeah, so sad – no more Rutger Hauer as fairy grandfather. I was watching The Expendables for the first time the other day and it made me wonder why Rutger Hauer wasn’t there kicking ass alongside Dolph Lundgren. I’m not quite sure landing this True Blood gig instead is a triumph or a disappointment by comparison…

The Book of Billith

As it turns out, ingesting a sizeable volume of your progenitor’s stale millennia-old blood really fucks with your head. Symptoms include:

Pseudo-clairvoyant hallucinations, end-of-the-world syndrome, haemorrhaging from eye ducts…

…God complex, spontaneous combustion…

…and finally, the unexpected urge to kidnap teenage fairy-girls.

Bill sends Jessica to kidnap chubby Jap doctor who was the original creator of Tru Blood. Bill then send Jessica to kidnap the gullible fairy-girls. Bill uses his older-gentleman charm (which is kinda creepy given his fatherly vibes) to extract their blood for chubby Jap doctor to synthesise. Bill wants to create the ultimate vampire Gatorade (full of fairy-electrolytes!) for military use. Oh no! The blood breaks down too fast to synthesise! Chubby Jap doctor needs a constant supply of fairy-blood to study! Bill then leaves Jessica, the Baby Vamp, in a room, alone, with four walking balls of vampire-catnip. HOW COULD THIS PLAN GO WRONG?!

OOPS

Sheriff Bellefleur will not be pleased.

The Great Southern Apartheid

Eric, on the other hand, has another Master Plan. Not quite as technologically-advanced as the mass production of liquid vampire-steroids. No, he takes a more Avatar-like (i.e. the getting-someone-to-go-native) approach, albeit with just as much kidnapping. He’s getting jiggy with psychological warfare!

Eric’s plan involves: (a) kidnapping the daughter of the governor leading the anti-vampire charge in the South, (b) giving her major Stockholm Syndrome via his rock-hard abs and soulful eyes, and (c) sending his baby-vamp back to Daddy to convince him to stop hunting vampires. HOW COULD THIS PLAN GO WRONG?!

Oh yeah, Willa tries to chow down on Daddy, thus intensifying his hatred of vampires. Whoops.

Inducing Stockholm Syndrome in 2 Easy Steps:
Step 1, lock her in a coffin with you. Step 2, be a hot viking sex god.

Eric and Bill, The Viking Warrior and The Civil War Veteran, failing miserably at simple military strategy. Sun Tzu would be ashamed.

(Sidenote: Tara is still bitchy and annoying. Pam is still awesome. Tara gets Pam shot, thereby multiplying her bitchy/annoying factor.)

Wolves, Shifters, and other inconsequential folk

When did Alcide start acting like such a huge dick? It’s like, get naked a few times, eat a bit of wolfman flesh, put a leather jacket on him, and voila! – instant asshole! Plus, he’s gotten really high and mighty with the whole “I AM YOUR PACKMASTER” line. He’s said it so much he’s turning into Khaleesi (i.e. “I am your Khaleesi and you will do as I say!”).

Wolf-bitches! Wolf-bitches everywhere!

Also, NOT COOL SAM. Three day after your girlfriend dies, you start making out with some civil rights activist chick while your dead girlfriend’s daughter is in the next room? SO NOT COOL.

Conclusion: Vampirism compromises the ability to think strategically. Fairy-ism causes the inability to keep your clothes on. Lycanthropy enhances your inner douchebag. Shifter-ism convolutes any sense of moral decency. Have I left anything out?

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True Blood Recap (S06 E01-E02): The Genesis of Billith

Huzzah! My favourite Southern supernatural blood-orgy has returned! My summer is complete! (Well, its winter in Melbourne. True Blood keeps me toasty at night, thinking of the various shenanigans the writers’ are going to put Sookie’s fairy cooch through.)

However, did anyone in the blogosphere really feel the need to recap the premiere of True Blood Season 6? Thus, the combined post. We shan’t grant a whole blog post to a filler episode, shall we? Its the principle of the matter.

So where are we?

Let’s all just admit that Season 5 took a turn towards the outlandishly comical by the end of its run. Shall we recap it? Vampires partying Amsterdam-style while hopped-up on ancient blood. Andy Bellefleur’s baby-mama birthing their half-breed quadruplets on a pool table. Luna shifting into Steve Newlin on live TV (okay, that was moderately cool). That goddamn fairy night-club (really, writers?). And finally, BILLITH.

Alas, just like Jon Hamm, I can’t quit you, True Blood. No matter how silly you get, I shall stick by you. I relish every moment of its nonsensical ridiculousness (and that’s saying a lot considering the stupidity of Sookie’s moronic fairy-land plotline).

The Book of Billith

I love me some Bill Compton! He’s the sexy Southern gentleman with the voice of silk. You know your lady-parts get tingly when he says ‘Sookeh’. At the end of last season, Bill chugged down Lillith’s blood, melted like the Wicked Witch into a pool of red cornstarch syrup, and arose from the bloody primordial ooze as the new God of Vampires  – ALL HAIL BILLITH!

He goes on a massive murder spree while in the nude (as you do), and when he comes to, we see that its basically still just Bill. But with fancy powers. OooOOoOOooHhHhhhh, *powers*! Now everyone is geeking out, all “omgawd Bill is a mooonster! What shall we doo?” Take a chill pill, vampire dudes. Don’t get all Salem Witch Trials-hysterical because you don’t understand what you see.

You know what just totally grates on me? SOOKIE STABBING BILL IN THE BACK. LITERALLY. (Crazy bitch.)

For the first 4-5 seasons, we are treated to the epic ballad of Bill & Sookie’s love. Now, here comes along this Viking Sex God and Sookie is all “That’s not Bill anymore!!”? She is one flaky fairy. So what if he naked-murders a few vampire authority cronies? Okay, its kinda weird, but after all that you two have been through, maybe he might be worth the benefit of the doubt? And then by freaking Episode 2, she’s already vibe-ing with some random half-fairy dude? COME ON.

A relationship that I find thoroughly more satisfying is the tender familial bond blooming between Bill and Jessica. Just goes to show that family always trumps that silly notion of being ‘in love’. For crying out loud, she stuck by him when he had that massive psychological breakdown where he freaking wept blood and developed incredibly disturbing telekinetic blood-vacuuming powers. Tha’ shi’ be f***cked uuup.  I mean, how many daughters order bloodwhore take-out for their mentally deranged papas?

BabyVamp still loves you, Billith!

The Southern Vampire Apartheid 

Ugh the Governor guy makes me want to hurl. He is everything that is wrong with politics – people who leverage themselves into power by capitalising on a fear-mongering state of affairs. It utterly disgusts me. He is the bald, bespectacled Michele Bachmann of vampires. Take a cue for Bachmann and RETIRE.

Too bad Eric’s little sabotage mission didn’t quite work. It did give us this beautiful gem to treasure though: NERDY ERIC. Whoever didn’t burst out in bout of giddy giggles and wild clapping is lying.

I found it deeply fascinating and frighteningly realistic the weapons that the humans have manufactured to combat the “filthy vampers”. Glamour-proof contact lenses? Silver bullets that emit UV rays? I have to admit its pretty impressive. (It gives me confidence in our survival in the event of a zombie apocalypse. No seriously, I believe its going to happen and I’m well-prepared. I have perused all of Max Brooks‘ books.)

Speaking of UV-ray silver bullets, Tara is a big ole idiot that needs to keep that trap shut. Have you noticed how her incessant outbursts have repeatedly gotten her in deep, echoing shit? She’s like the black, Southern, adult version of Arya Stark – only less cute and a great deal less lucky. Tara is just so UGGHH. Case in point – she jumped on a freaking bar and got SHOT. Like, what the hell Tara, sit the f*ck down.

And this whole Pam/Tara lesbian-love situation? I am not a fan. Pam can do better. Even Nora would be a better choice (and I am NOT a fan of Nora’s.)

Speaking of Nora, they tried to set her up as this prodigy political genius last season. Eric repeated it enough times, but I’m not quite sure I believe it. So when Nora (aka. Bitch Sergeant) spends these two episodes constantly shooting out orders, I’m totally with Pam on this:

But back to the point Tara was making about Pam and Eric. He really does treat her like crap. Seeing how Jessica interacts with Bill though, I sorta get it. He is her maker and her first epic love. Her feelings towards him are fathoms more than romantic. It really cuts me when I see him treating her like shit. Especially when he treats her like shit for the sake of Sookie and her magical fairy vagina. I’m pretty sure this is akin to the psychology of domestic abuse, but she just can’t quit him.

Oh Pam, you don’t know just how much I want better things for you! YOU ARE A GODDESS. Don’t let the bastards grind you down.

The F*cking Fairies

F*CKING FAIRIES. (I refuse to spell it as “faery” because its stupid enough as it is.)

Worst. Plotline. Ever.

Sookie and her ballet of insipidity can be encapsulated in one line:

“Jason, I am your f*cking fairy grandfather.” (*DRY HEAVE*)

And seriously, Andy Bellefleur’s fairy-hybrid quadruplets that possess the growing abilities of that frickin’ Twilight baby? Just, NO.

Even Andy knows how freaking dumb this is.

Is this really the best way to employ Arlene, writers? Carrie Preston is a comedic genius and the best you can do for her are heehaw diaper jokes!? Criminal.

The Shifters/Wolves

I don’t care.

Who is this? I really can’t remember. Ugh, that gross wolfpack orgy. Cover up, Alcide (seriously, I never thought I’d say that).

God, those two gifs look like a clip from an angry, bestiality-fetish porno.

Sam is so boring. Emma is so boring. Thank god we have Lafayette to liven things up.

UGH, I JUST DON’T CARE

In Conclusion – Episode 2 was a lot better than Episode 1. If it were up to me, we would kill off all the wolves, the shifters, the fairies, and just focus on the vampires. Lafayette and Arlene can run Merlotte’s as a friendly neighbourhood vampire watering hole where all the vampires can come hobnob and jump sharks to the sounds of canned laughter a la Happy Days.

BONUS – If you don’t watch BabyVamp’s Vlog already, you freaking should. Jessica Hamby is so adorbs. (And this is the Tara I like – the sarcastic, flippant bitch that just dont give a damn. Leave the dramarama to Sookie.)

 

 

 

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