Tag Archives: Edward Cullen

True Blood Recap (S06 E07): Stockholder Syndrome

True Blood is giving me stockholder syndrome, I tell you. I know its being bad to me, but I can’t help getting attached every time it throws me a morsel of good.

Der Führer, Sarah Newlin 

AUGHHHH, Sarah Newlin! Don’t smooch up The Governor’s dismembered head!! Its just soo… unsanitary.

Seriously, though – Anna Camp and her crazy eyes make me want to either (a) run screaming into the hills for fear of bible-thumpers with pitchforks, or (b) worship at the altar of her batshitty-ness.

I can’t quite tell if her religious zeal is genuine or if she just uses it as a weapon to gain power. Probably a bit of both. It seems that her once pure beliefs were corrupted into running rampant with so-called ‘glorious purpose’. There is nothing scarier than a power-hungry zealot. Case in point, her mad-genius plan is to hide the Governor’s death so that she can be the sole mouthpiece of the vampire-extermination political machine. How twisted is that?

She is one scary bitch.

  

Danger Whore’s Post-Coital Proposal

Their post-coital cuddling session looks like Instagram swallowed it whole and spat it out with a ‘Hipsterize’ filter.

Oh Warlow, don’t go getting all girly on Sookie. One-time garden fairy sex does not guarantee an eternity of commitment. I know she’s your predestined fairy queen and all, but Robert Kazinsky – you can do better than Danger Whore. Leave her to her bloody orgastic Bon Temps circus and escape into another dimension before she drags you through her stinking pile of drama.

Mourning Terry Bellefleur

Whenever Carrie Preston deigns to grace True Blood with her electric performances, I’m reminded of why my love-hate relationship with True Blood frequently errs toward gleeful, guiltless love. She is such a joy to watch. She has that magic ability to make you feel devastated in one moment and then spin it into hilarity in the next. I love her even when she’s dissing Lafayette as a “voodoo queer”. MOARR ARLENE!!

Sex and Stockholder Syndrome at Camp Auschvamp

First off – HAH! I knew that our Vamp in Shining Armour, James, would be back for some Baby Vamp lovin’. Did I call it, or did I call it? Okay, to be fair, probably everyone ‘called it’. Regardless, I’m thoroughly satisfied to have our Vampire Knight back. I really like him and Jessica together – its all very ‘supernatural teen romance novel’. Given, he looks a bit too much like Taylor Hanson for me. Nevertheless, I’m sure he’ll MmmBop his way into Ms Hamby’s ‘heart’.

  

While Jessica gets all gooey over Vampire Knight, I think Jason is the unsung hero here. Did you see his face when she asked him for some “privacy”? You could practically see the gears in his brain grinding to keep up with the implications. Dear, sweet, Jason Stackhouse. He’s a bit like Hodor with a hot body. Sure, hes been misguided a few times during the series, but he’s grown into such a well-meaning and kind-hearted person. Jason Stackhouse is so adorbs, even if he’s a bit on the daft side.

Sex is certainly the currency of trade at Camp Auschvamp. I’m simultaneously impressed and reviled by Pam’s employment of her significant talents to manipulate the schlobby pervert therapist. Pam is so devious. I love her. Poor thing for having to resort to his gluggy, cholesterol-clogged blood though.

The Vampire Chronicles: Interview with Eric Northman

You know that sepia-toned flashback where we see Eric Northman all done up like The Vampire Lestat, encountering human Nora for the first time  back in plague-ridden England? This is what we needed last season to generate sympathy for Nora. Now, I freakin’ adore Nora. Was that your intention, writer-room? Make us love Nora before she disintegrates into a goopy pile of vampire innards? Dicks.

In all seriousness, the Eric-Nora story arc in this episode was surprisingly moving. All the credit must go to Alexander Skarsgard (and yes, Lucy Griffiths for her baleful blue doe-eyes). True Blood doesn’t really give him much else to do other than strike threatening poses and drop sarcastic one-liners. It must’ve been nice for him to stretch his legs dramatically. He’s been on the brink of breaking out for a few years now. I really hope some casting director watches this and decides to put him in a movie where he’s more than “the broody dangerous sexy guy”. He’s the son of Stellan frickin’ Skarsgard, people! That’s some fine acting thoroughbred genes he’s got there. I beseech you, Internet denizens – let him be associated with better roles than Edward Cullen 2.0 in Fifty Shades of Grey.

It was absolutely gut-wrenching to watch him to clutch desperately to Nora as she (literally) fell apart in his arms. Please let this mean that this cues psycho-Eric. I’d love to watch him get genocidal on those racist motherf*ckers.

  
  

CONCLUSION: What was that? I still don’t give a shit about werewolves and shifters? Oh, yes, that’s correct.

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Game of Thrones Recap (S03 E05): Pickled babies

Yes, pickled-in-a-jar, preserved-in-fluid, BABIES:

Break glass in case of desperation and/or insanity.

Break glass in case of desperation and/or insanity.

THE BREAKDOWN

Dragonstone

Its pretty obvious why we’re starting here, with The Man Who Would Be King (were it not for The Red Skank). We find Stannis at Dragonstone, licking his wounds. Alas, we are introduced to  his much-neglected wife – Lady Selyse of House Florent.

Lady Selyse and Lysa Tully (breastfeeding lady) should become BFFs because within the space of about 5 mins, we find out she’s ten kinds of kookoo.

Firstly, when Stannis comes to her in repentance for sleeping with The Red Skank – he’s so so sorry that he has wronged her, he has shamed her etc etc. What does Lady Selyse say? “You’re doing God’s work. […] When [Red Skank] told me, I WEPT WITH JOY.” — Yup, she cried happy tears when she found out her husband was banging the help.

Secondly, Lady Selyse is crazy because PICKLED BABIES.

Look, Stanny! Look at how they've grown!

Look, Stanny! Look at how they’ve grown!

On the brightside, we get to meet Stannis’ only child, little Lady Shireen. She has greyscale on her face, so of course, everyone’s all ‘gross’ and ‘the shaaaame’. But she turns out to be a kind-hearted girl who happens to be the only likeable kid in Westeros. How sweet was it when she started to teach Davos (“Ser Onion Knight!”) to read? What a darling!

The Handsome Twosome

Ser Jaime Lannister & Lady Brienne Tarth shall henceforth be known as The Handsome Twosome, because, let’s face it, they’re both quite handsome (he’s Prince Charming after all). 

Okay, so I’m a total space case because I thought the guy who cleaved off Jaime’s hand was Roose Bolton. But, he’s not! We meet Roose Bolton! And he’s so much cooler! Hehe how embarrassing… they said he was a Bolton so I just assumed. But alas, all I did was make an ass out of you and me.

For those who have read the books, Jaime Lannister becomes a character we all can cherish. It seems that they’re starting the ‘We Believe In Jaime Lannister’ campaign in this episode. He’s always been a tragic hero of sorts. At first, all he was was ‘the poor little rich boy’. Now, we’re privy to the fact that Jaime is a man of un-mined depths. It’s good to finally see where the root of his nonchalance and callousness comes from. It is as it always will be – a coping mechanism for a less-than desired life.

Please give Nikolaj Coster-Waldau the courtesy of viewing this splendid scene:

The NOOORTH

Did you read it with the proper baritone? I want to hear the BOOM!

Whoo! Jon Snow and Ygritte get up to some hanky-panky! About time, Jon. He was starting to remind me of Edward Cullen and his century-long virginity. I knew it was coming, but was anyone as shocked as I was when Ygritte got completely buck-nekkid? OMGAH, Gwen! Cover up! One does not conduct one’s self this way at Downton Abbey!

Lady Sybil does not approve.

Sadly, no Mance Rayder this episode. Where are you, Caesar!?

Brotherhood without Banners

As excited as I was to see The Red Priest raise Beric Dondarrion from the dead, how cool was his FLAMING SWORD?! Did he use HIS BLOOD as FLINT? COOLNESS.

I might be coming round on Beric Dondarrion. He’s climbed up a notch on my cool-o-meter. Okay, maybe two notches.

Riverrun

It seems King Robb of the North is destined to repeat the mistakes of his father – the noble and inarguably stupid Ned Stark.

I admire his innate need to do what’s right and the courage he has in his convictions. It’s why I started crushing on him in the first place (and why I turned into a green rage-monster when he married that Volantis nobody). But at the same time, somebody needs to tell this boy to STOP LOSING THIS WAR WITH ONE POOR DECISION AFTER ANOTHER.

Okay, so Karstark murdered two Lannister boys. Its really freaking bad. I don’t know how I would’ve dealt with it (because I am not King in The North, sadly), but I’m pretty sure executing your distant relative, who also happens to have supplied you with half your army, is a terrifically DUMB MOVE. Its slightly hypocritical that all his mother got was a slap on the wrist, whereas Uncle Karstark got his head lopped off. Yeah, murder is significantly worse, but I’m sure there is a wide range of choices within the spectrum of mild scolding and taking off someone’s head with a broadsword.

I’m really NOT looking forward to The Red Wedding.

King’s Landing

Yess! I’ve wanted to see Lady Olenna Tyrell and Tyrion Lannister duke it out since the beginning! This week, we see them throw verbal bitch-slaps over the upcoming Royal Wedding. Tyrion is hopelessly, hilariously outgunned. She walks ALL OVER HIM. She really is the batty old bitch version of Tywin Lannister. I am seriously going to start shopping my pitch for GoT offshoot Tywin & Olenna: The Golden Years’ to all the major networks. HBO, you can have first dibs. You’re welcome.

Sorry, I can’t adequately summarise the awesomeness of Lady Olenna. Please watch the following as she unloads zinger after zinger on Tyrion (and poor Pod):

It’s a bad week for Tyrion, because not only does he get dominated by an old lady, he gets sold off into an arranged marriage by his daddy-kins to the adolescent Sansa Stark. Tywin and Olenna are tag-teaming already.

I can’t understand the obsession both Cersei and Tyrion have with gaining their father’s love and respect. This is a man who repeatedly shames them and berates them for all their failings. Never once does he acknowledge their accomplishments. Never once does he show them any inkling of love. Not only that, but he selfishly uses them to further his own agenda time and time again. Beware, Lannister cubs, that’s how you end up on a stripper pole.

(ps. Honestly though Cersei, it won’t be so bad being married to Loras. He won’t mind that you’re a brother-humper, and you won’t mind that he’s a glittery rainbow. It might actually work out well!)

“I am The Khaleesi, and you will do as I say.”

Week after week, I am being won over by Khaleesi. Once, she was a silly girl with a superiority complex because of a title she gained from her husband (“I am The Khaleesi, and you will do as I say!”). Then, she was an entitled girl with a superiority complex because of an inherited legacy (“I am Daenerys Stormborn, and I will take what is mine!”).

NOW, she is a self-possessed woman with cunning to match her charisma.

…and she has an army.

I would bow down to Khaleesi if she were on The Iron Throne. Wouldn’t you? Only if she insisted that they kept calling her Khaleesi though.

Her interaction with the new Unsullied leader, Grey Worm, choked me up a little. She is so inspiring. Screw being a princess – all the little girls will now want to grow up to ride dragons and massacre slave-traders!

(Sidenote: How beautiful does Valyrian sound? Its like a Germanic-Slavic-Spanish mix. So gorgeous.)

BONUS – Game of Thrones, if it were on The CW. Watch until the end for an excellent surprise pairing:

 

 

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