Tag Archives: Game of Thrones

Suits Recap (S03 E01-02): Oh Captain Litt, My Captain

Louis is like that wannabe girl in high school that, no matter what she does, is still unpopular. Haven’t you realised by now Louis? The dynamic duo of Harvey + Mike will never be a triumvirate. You’re the Jenny Humphrey to their Blair and Serena. Strike out on your own Louis! I guarantee you there are other, more worthy people out there who would kill to join Team Litt.

That’s right, Louis. I want to be LITT UP.

Wooing for Team Litt

Louis Litt is my man. He’s come a long way from the vindictive, snivelling, two-faced coward in Season 1 and bloomed into the most sympathetic, eccentric, and well-developed character of Suits. His hairy behind has weaselled its way into my heart and established domicile. Poor Louis Litt was that kid that was bullied for being strange and socially-retarded in high school.

Who are we kidding? Pearson Hardman, now Pearson Darby, is high school with better clothes. Louis is still a Mathlete that loiters creepily around the drama club. Harvey is still the head jock / honour-roll student / bad boy prom king that snogs all the girls.

That’s why, when Nigel made an appearance, I was so thrilled. FINALLY, someone whose obsessive-compulsion and social-ineptitude matched the Litt level. But of course, after being betrayed so many times, Louis couldn’t recognise a true potential friend when he saw one. Its really quite sad. Not only did Nigel take his uni-balls and his bran bars, but taking the associates? That is LOW.

At least Louis got to experience his very own Dead Poets Society moment.

Bless Mike. All Louis wants is an ‘in’ with the cool kids. He just wants his own bro to romance.

Watching him and Louis tackle Eminent Domain this week was like watching the beginnings of a beautiful love story. The wining and dining. The steak. The cheesecake. The mud room – oh God, who could forget the glorious mud room.

  

Mike and Louis would’ve been a great team.

Mr & Mrs Specter

Alas, Louis could never stand in the way of true love. By that, of course, I mean Harvey Specter and his beleaguered bro-wife, Mike Ross.

As much as I want Mike and Louis to hook up, you can’t deny that Harvey and Mike are perfection. They are Ted & Marshall, they are Turk & J.D., they are Joey & Chandler, they are freaking Lucius Vorenus & Titus Pullo (“THIRTEENTH!!!!”). In sharply-tailored suits, of course.

That’s why it felt pretty frivolous watching Harvey and Donna meangirl Mike for two episodes.

They weren’t ever, ever, ever not going to get back together.

The Fungus Couple

Speaking of star-crossed lovers, I’ve never really been down with the Mike & Rachel connection. They were always kind of blah to me. It started off with him being all “ooh she’s so hot, she’s so feisty”, but then he got with Jenny. But he still flirted with Rachel. And then broke it off with Jenny. Started dating Rachel. But then broke it off with Rachel because he ‘couldn’t lie to her’. And she found out he’s a total fraud and liar. And she still takes him back?! Like, what up, Rachel? I thought you were a smart, empowered lady! He cheats and lies, but because he has innocent blue eyes and is supposedly well-endowed, its all totally peachy-keen?

(Haha, I just wanted an excuse to post that. Donna is mah guuurrrlll *snaps fingers while tossing hair around*.)

But whatever. I guess if writers are insisting that Mike & Rachel are the next Ross and Rachel (hoho Mike ROSS), then fine – I’ll get with the program.  I guess they’re kinda growing on me. Like a FUNGUS.

UGHHH FINE, I CONCEDE. That was pretty cute.

Don’t you hate it when Mommy and Daddy fight

While we’re evaluating couples, its so troubling when the ultimate power couple fights. By that, I mean Harvey and Jessica. Its like when Blair and Chuck fight – you can almost sense the looming apocalypse.

The world just ain’t right when they’re not scheming together. Let’s just acknowledge right now how the whole of Episode 2 was an allegory foreshadowing the potential double-crossing Harvey will be enacting on Jessica. I get it, she went behind his back. But don’t you think you’re being a little childish, Harvey? It was always her firm and if she needed a merger to survive, that’s her business. There’s a reason she can’t trust you, Harvey. You’re a loose cannon and now, you’re just proving her right with your recklessness and impulsiveness. Oh no, you didn’t get what you want. Boo frickin hoo. Let’s topple my patron and mentor because she put me in my place.

I love you Gabriel Macht, but you’re going to have to work really hard this season if you want me to keep supporting Team Harvey at the rate he’s going.

FYI – JESSICA PEARSON IS MY IDOL. This is my life plan: I shall be Jessica Pearson at 40, and Diane Lockhart at 50. I’ve clearly thought things through.

Jessica Pearson is one hot bitch with hella style, but wtf was she wearing in Episode 1? It was like she got cold and wrapped a dirty Ace bandage around her shoulders.

Game of Thrones suits up

You know who’s another hot bitch? Corporate Catelyn Stark. Whooo! You go, Michelle Fairley. Who knew Mrs Stark had such a rockin’ bod under all those furs.

You just know that Corporate Varys got her to hook-up. You know why Conleth Hill always plays a sneaky mofo? Because he does it with such charm and pizazz.

CONCLUSION: Can we stop the back-stabbing, guys? As we’ve just seen with Harvey and Mike, Jessica and Harvey will return to being the Brangelina of corporate law in no time. Let’s everyone go back to the status quo because any episode where anyone is scheming behind each others back is one wasted where they could’ve been awesomely taking down some slimy dickbag. Like Dominic. Ugh.

Silver lining? SUITS IS BACK! YAY!

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Game of Thrones Recap (S03 E10): Wolf-headed Robb

I KNOW… The episode aired two weeks ago. What is wrong with me?!

I’ll tell you what – me watching the brutal slaughter of Robb Stark and his brethren was like an alcoholic going on a bender of Charlie-Sheen-like proportions, only to awake in a puddle of pills and puke. I needed to check into the George RR Martin Clinic for Recovering Viewers for a fortnightly stint. I’m faring better, folks, so here’s the jam:

THE BREAKDOWN

Our ever-noble, King of the North

Last week, I was all a-twitter, asking “Where’s wolf-head Robb? Are they going to show it?” I thought it would be so disappointing to miss out on this spectacularly gruesome detail from the novel. The opening of the episode served it up, nice and cold. Nothing was more infuriating and distressing than the sight of Grey Wind’s head however, skewered, out of Robb’s body. It made me want to crush skulls and eviscerate men. Smack that shit on a poster and you’ll have your martyr for the North. I guarantee it’d be more effective recruiting soldiers than Uncle Sam and his pointer finger. (E.g. just watch Arya stab the shit out of that guy who was bragging about sticking the wolf-head onto Robb)

A good deal more gruesome than I expected it to be. Its a testament to the Game of Thrones effects team that shit like this doesn’t throw me as much anymore. I feel like a proper Westerosi denizen – “Yeah, sure, I see mutilated king’s corpses all the time – no biggie. Adding that wolf head was an asshole move though.”

King’s Landing

Its sweet to see Sansa warming to Tyrion. Peter Dinklage truly embodies the decency and hopeful loneliness of a lifelong outcast. The two of them plotting to “sheep-shift” Desmond Crakehall is adorbs. You get the feeling that Sansa is the little girl, strolling with Mummy and Daddy in the gardens (Mummy being Tyrion’s whore-mistress and Daddy being her hubby, Tyrion).

When Varys tried to bribe Shae to go away though, its admirable that she chucked it in his face. It felt a little bit soap opera-esque though. I can’t get down with Shae, for some reason.

Isn’t Joffrey just the most annoying little prick? He’s like that kid at school who is a total cowardly douchebag, bullying the poor kids because his Daddy is richer than theirs. Can someone smack his smug face already? OH WAIT, Tyrion already did that. Let’s enjoy:

Epic LOLs. Too bad he can’t do that anymore. He’d probably get his hands chopped off and be forced to eat them or something nasty like that. Joffrey is a sicko. That whole “I want to serve Sansa Robb’s head”? WHERE DOES HE GET THIS STUFF? Cersei – what kind of XXX snuff films did you show him as a child?!

Anyway, that whole Small Council scene was SO MUCH YES!

God, there is SO MUCH AWESOME going on in this scene. Case in point:

“Monsters are dangerous and, just now, kings are dying like flies.” – WUH-WUUUT?!

“The King is tired. See him to his chambers.” – Run along now, widdle Joffrey-poo, before you get a proper spanking. My god, if I had Tywin Lannister as my gramps, I’d be pissing myself.

“Explain to me why it is more noble to slaughter 10,000 men in battle than a dozen at dinner.” – I’m totally down with that School of Tywin’s Art of War.

But, dayummm, Tywin. That man be COLD. Tyrion: “When have you ever done something […] solely for the benefit of the family?” / Tywin: “The day that you were born!”

THAT HAS GOT TO STING. I’m giving out free hugs, Tyrion. Come claim.

Bran, The Little Man

Blah, blah, the North is cold. Blah-de-blah, don’t kill a guest under your roof! Its bad ju-ju! Yes, be more obvious, HBO-GoT writer’s room. At least we have Walder Frey’s comeuppance to look forward to.

I actually thought it was pretty cool when Bran met up with Fat Sam and Gilly. It felt like cross-over fanfic! Can you imagine how sweet its going to be when Khaleesi gets her groove on with Jon Snow or something? EPIC.

The Traitorous Twosome: Walder & Roose

Whenever I say the name “Walder”, my brain automatically thinks “Balder Walder”. I HOPE THE REST OF YOUR HAIR FALLS OUT, YOU FILTHY TRAITOR!

Watching Balder Walder and Roose conspiring together, like they’re some epic martial geniuses, makes the bile rise in my throat. It’s clear to everyone but Walder Frey that no one respects him any more now than before. Just look at Roose’s patronising sneer. I hope Roose is stuck with that blithering idiot forever, like the Pinky to his Brain.

Balder Walder and Roose Bolton

Theon Gayjoy

So, I’m guessing Theon got a proper gelding. Ouch.

This made me giggle like a tween. Then, I immediately felt slightly disgusted with myself. Is it just me or does he kinda look like the dark-twisted doppelgänger of Samwise Gamgee?

That bastard Ramsay and Joffrey should get together. They’d be great mates, with their fondness for dismembering people and sending various body parts to their families’.

The Fleabottom Boys

Yay for hometown solidarity! Davos rescuing Gendry was all kinds of touching. I get these pangs of concern for Davos though. He’s acting very Ned Stark-y. I don’t want his head rolling around anytime soon.

This felt very crossover-fanfic to me as well. Its like that feeling you get when you meet someone from your hometown when you’re overseas. That massive “OMG, I DONT KNOW YOU BUT YOU MUST BE COOL BCUZ YOU’RE FROM HOME! LETS BE BFFS 4EVA (or, at least until the end of my trip)!”

Can I just reiterate how handsome Joe Dempsie now looks compared to his druggie-Chris from Skins days?

The NOOORTH

YEAAAAHHHH GURL, SHOOT THAT BASTARD DOWN!!! It took me a while to get on Team Ygritte, but I’ve never loved her more than this moment.

Okay, she’s a whole lot of cray-cray. Like, her and Taylor Swift could be best buds. What she did reminded me of Carrie Underwood’s ultimate ‘bitch-be-crazy!’ anthem. But nevertheless, Jon Snow was a bit of a dick-tool. He got in there, made her love him with all his lovey-talk, then he just rode off. TOOL.

“I am the Khaleesi, and you will do as I say!”

You mark my words, she is going to rule Westeros and the Eastern Kingdoms. LOOK AT HER, getting lifted up on people’s shoulder’s and shit. That is RELIGIOUS FANATICISM. She is the JESUS of Game of Thrones. She is MHYSA!!!

BONUS – Everyone has seen this on Buzzfeed, but it made me snort big-time into my lunch. This is Game of Throne’s, according to some random’s dad. ENJOY:

EXTRA BONUS – Shout out to Daniel Shpeizer for the kick up the arse. You post this stuff onto the Interwebs, hoping that it doesn’t get sucked up into the void of Internet-crap where pedos and lolcats reside. Thanks for letting me know that I’m not alone. All I can say is:

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Game of Thrones Recap (S03 E09): DOWN WITH THE FREYS

I read the third book almost two years ago. I have had a long time to ponder the death of my beloved Robb Stark. Nevertheless, when The Red Wedding erupted into a violent bloody gorefest, it very nearly incapacitated my poor little brain.

I thought I was prepared. I read the books after the first season, after I fell deeply in love and solidified my destiny to become Mrs. (Lady?) Robb Stark. Robb was rather poorly-drawn in the book, but by imagining the handsome Richard Madden in the role, I was engrossed in his story. Then came ‘A Storm of Swords’. The Red Wedding sent me spiralling into a clinical depression over the doom of my fantasy hubby. I nested in the darkness for days, wallowing in grief and having nightmares about his wolf-headed corpse (okay, no nightmares – just a lot of laziness and instant noodles).

I think if everyone who has ever been psychologically traumatised by George RR Martin came together,  we could probably launch quite a sizeable class-action lawsuit and win some major damages.

Anyway, point is, I’ve had almost two years to come to terms with Robb Stark’s unceremonious murder. Still, watching ‘The Rains of Castamere’ last night felt  like I was reliving the brutal homicide of a loved one.

It started with Walder Frey’s (aka. Argus Filch from the Harry Potter movies) pervy comments about what was ‘underneath’ Talisa’s dress. They thought he was just being a dirty old man, but it wasn’t her nakedness he was referring to. Of course, he knew about the bun in the oven. His old-man cock had cooked up enough to know, I’m sure. That was the final, ultimate slight. Of course he had no qualms humiliating the Queen of his sovereign. He KNEW that none of them were making it out alive.

And then of course, there’s pretty Roslin Frey. Edmure grinned like a blithering idiot when they lifted the veil and it turned out his new Walder wife was totally boink-able.

IF IT SEEMS LIKE ITS TOO GOOD TO BE TRUE – EDMURE – IT PROBABLY IS. Brynden Tully has it right – Edmure is a FOOL.

Sidenote – Filch’s face was PRICELESS when everyone saw how gorgeous Roslin was. He was all, “that’s right, ROBB, look what you could’ve had.”

Then, freaking Talisa had to go tell Robb that, “ohh I have a baby in me and if it’s a boy, imma gonna name it Eddard. After the dumbest man in Westeros.” Foreshadowing much? Doesn’t everyone know by now? George RR Martin lifts us up until we soar. And then, HE CUTS US DOWN LIKE THE MANIAC THAT HE IS.

Baby Ned, harbinger of doom.

I refuse! I reject all that warm-fuzzies! I refuse to let you, evil GoT producers, make me root for this happy couple when I know that you have sent them to the Twins to DIE. (I couldn’t help it though – my heart got all gooey at the thought of Baby Eddard and Papa Robb riding horses together.)

AND THEN, Walder Frey showed the world that he is THE WORST WEDDING PLANNER, EVER. It started with The Rains of Castamere floating down from the wedding violins. Suspicious… Then, Catelyn Stark discovers the chainmail under Roose Bolton’s clothes (THAT TRAITOROUS BASTARD). More suspicious… Well, you guys know the rest:

This is how I feel:

JUST LET IT END. PLEASE.

That scene is a watershed moment in TV history. Nothing before it has ever been more devastating to watch. And the long silence at the end, as Catelyn had her throat sliced open? Thats the kind of stuff that will haunt your dreams. Michelle Fairley deserves an Emmy for that monologue.

At this point, I really dont give two hoots about the rest of the episode.

Jon leaves Ygritte because he couldn’t kill some innocent old horse-farmer guy.

You’re telling me, sister. That’s the face I made when George RR Martin smacked me repeatedly in the face with Robb’s death.

Daenerys (or should I say, Daario) conquers Yunkai. Grey Worm is a TOTAL BAD ASS (good investment, Khaleesi).

Jorah’s not so bad either. Daario’s scyth caused sympathy pains in my abdominal region every time he disemboweled a Yunkish guard. Watch them in their full glory:

Uh, something happened with Bran. Little Rickon, whom I thought was mentally-challenged, spoke more lines in this episode that I’ve heard him speak all series. And little Arry has a case of “gosh darn it, I missed them again!”

It was a brutal episode. Alas, my fellow Thronies, we have made it to the other side, minus one Young Wolf. It really sucks to be a Stark in Westeros right now.

And this makes me want to smother my sorrows in Gippsland blueberry yoghurt:

BONUS – I really need to feel better right now, so enjoy this adorable photo posted up by the Queen Regent of Twitter. Let’s all pray for the well-being of Tyrion. I can’t bear to lose another.

 

 

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Game of Thrones Recap (S03 E08): Of penises and political partnerships

Is it just me, or does the grossest things happen when Stannis is around?

This week, its Melisandre and her bowl of leeches – one of which, she sticks on Gendry’s wang. I’m not a guy, but dude, I sympathise. Chris on Skins has done some nasty stuff, but I think this definitely takes the cake.

Definitely not as bad as as penis leeches.

On this week’s episode of GoT, ‘Second Sons’, we are treated to rampant political manoeuvrings on both sides of the Narrow Sea. This episode is dominated by the devilish machinations of our delightfully amoral cast of characters. We get a depressing wedding, some penis-leech sorcery, a bit of White Walker action, and a very naked Dany.

THE BREAKDOWN

Annoying Arya & The Hound

So she tries to kill him with a rock. Like an idiot. Of course, The Hound is awake – you can’t be a fearsome warrior if you sleep through breakfast and various assassination plots. He tells her, “I’ll give you one try, girl. Kill me, and you’re free. But, if I live, I’ll break both your hands.” That’s basically his way of patting her on the head and saying, “Aww little Arry, go on. Give it a go.” She needs to have way more adults being condescending to her. Stop talking tough if you’re four foot nothing with Justin Bieber’s musculature.

The NOOORTH

Oh boo! No Jon and Ygritte, raunching it up underneath the furs. We just get the grubby couple with the fat baby (I mean the actual baby, even though Sam fits the description as well).  Alas, another White Walker! Look at Sam, wielding the sword, frontin’ like he’s Aragorn or sumthin’. Looks like impressing a girl is really the number one male motivator for doing brave / stupid things. Luckily, he had that obsidian spearhead! Oh wait, what? He dropped it and DIDNT pick it up before he ran off?! Despite the fact that the White Walker freaking SHATTERED INTO A MILLION PIECES and they weren’t in any immediate danger?! Sure, lets just NOT pick up the one thing that can kill these supernatural sons’a’bitches. Nice move, Sam.

Dragonstone

Ugh she really is The Red Skank. Why the mind games?! Just kill him, if you mean to kill him! I can’t stand it! Last week we had Theon getting slutted with before his (possible) gelding. Now we get Gendry bumping uglies with Melisandre before she puts LEECHES ON HIS WANG. Freaking LEECHES. Why is everything in Dragonstone so gross? If this were a cheesy horror flick, Stannis would be that creepy guy who lives in the middle of nowhere in a rundown manor filled with perverse horrors, like pickled babies, scale-face children, wax corpses, and penises with leeches on it. In that film, Red Skank would be his a demonic succubus that he calls forth from a leather-bound grimoire to rape unsuspecting boys and take care of his nursery of shadow babies. On a sidenote, Gendry is AB-TASTIC. Go, Chris!

Just some light bondage and leech-play

King’s Landing

Finally, a royal wedding. Its not quite as glamourous as I’m sure the Joffrey-Margaery one will be. Nevertheless, we get some serious dress porn. How DIVINE was the fabric of Sansa Stark’s wedding dress?! I wish they’d done something different with her hair though – it looked like they looped a baguette over her head. And phwoar, Tyrion does look handsome, indeed! That scar becomes him.

First off, JOFFREY IS A DICK. Taking that step-stool away to embarrass Tyrion? Petty adolescent dumb-jock dick move. That kid is such an evil little pimple. I just want to stab him in his sneery face. (Applause to Jack Gleeson for throwing himself shamelessly into being a nasty wee asshole – something his career may never recover from, I fear). But then, let’s all watch Tyrion deliver a heavy verbal bitchslap across the face of this despicable asshat:

For those who are unclear, the bedding ceremony is one where men seize the bride (and women seize the groom) and strip them of their clothes before they are delivered to a bed. A bit of embarrassing fun when you’re with friends and family. Sexual harassment and humiliation at the hands of demon-doucheface, Joffrey.

For extra emphasis.

The Boyfriend has this to say about this douche-canoe: “Logically, you would think that anyone would realize that the probability of people wanting to kill you for your throne would increase dramatically in direct correlation to how big of a douchebag you are.” Well, I can say this: the fun thing about Joffrey is that he offers us Internet denizens a platform for ever-more creative insults. Even Google Auto-Complete is in on it. Type in “Joffrey is a…” and we get “douche”, “monster”, “prick”, “sadist”…etc.

Okay, moving on from Joffrey’s douchebaggery. Tyrion is really the noblest, most gentle husband you could ever have.  I would happily marry Tyrion. He has always treated all his women with utmost respect and kindness. Sansa is a fool. What if you never want him in your bed? Well, then Sansa,  you’ll never get with child and you’ll be even more useless than you are now. Its a brutal world, doll. Get it together.

The Boyfriend was really panicky throughout this whole bit because he thought that evil pig Joffrey was actually going to burst in and make good on raping Sansa. Besides all the drama involving disgusting Joffrey, we get a fun little despicable Cersei moment. It really feels like she’s spiraling out of control. She should take a cue from Margaery and play it a bit closer to the chest. Cersei really has a big ego. Now that she’s not top dog, she’s lashing out stupidly on dangerous people. OMG, she totally should’ve been born a man.

No discussion of King’s Landing is ever complete without any mention of Grand Dame Olenna:

Sucks to be a Lannister. Sucks to be a Tyrell. It really sucks to be a Stark. I’d much rather go explore what’s happening on the other side of The Narrow Sea.

“I am The Khaleesi, and you will do as I say!”

Look at her schmoozing her ‘guests’ like a pro. Even First Lady Jackie Kennedy couldn’t do any better. Khaleesi knows what she wants and she’ll do whatever necessary to get it. Even graciously tolerate some potty mouth. That’s her greatest strength – having people underestimate her and playing to their pride. After all, nobody wants to lose to a little blonde girl.

Can we really picture Ser Barristan throwing down with Mero? I mean, he looks pretty haggard and old now. I don’t know – I want to believe in the legend of Barristan Selmy.

More importantly, is this how we picture Daario Naharis? In the book, he’s described as blue-haired with a trident beard. I guess this take is better. He’s meant to fearsome and graceful at the same time. I imagine blue hair / trident beard could make him seem a bit too much like an effeminate Khal Drogo at Mad Hatter’s Party. Anyway, he’s known to me as GIRLFACE, since he’s just so so pretty!

There’s that scene where Khaleesi is nude and The Second Sons pledge their loyalty to her, but I’m a prude so here’s the clip sans Khaleesi-nakedness:

BONUS – I really worry about Jack Gleeson’s future career as an actor. Everywhere he goes, he’ll just be known as “that asshole kid from Game of Thrones”. However, it seems like he might not even pursue a career in acting, opting instead to be an academic! He’s a man after my own heart. Just in case he does want to continue acting, I intend to proliferate as many of these videos of Jack Gleeson being an intelligent, articulate young man as possible in order to combat any preconceptions of him being anything at all like King Dick-tard, Joffrey Baratheon.

 

 

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Game of Thrones Recap (S03 E07): Bye bye, Yunkai

YESS!!! We have once again avoided The Red Wedding. Every week, I sit with baited breath, wondering if its that time yet. The time for my hatred of Talisa (aka Charlie Chaplin’s exotic granddaughter, Oona Chaplin) to grow exponentially. Alas, she has been spared another week.

This week, ‘The Bear and The Fair Maiden’, is largely a filler episode.The Westerosi wanderers are still meandering aimlessly across the countryside. The North is incredibly chatty. King’s Landing is also incredibly chatty. Khaleesi is still pretty awesome. Very little happens in terms of the plot. I guess, that’s a good thing. You just know that GoT is gearing up to kill more people.

THE BREAKDOWN

The NOOORTH

Jon and Ygritte are now over The Wall and are still having banter-y D&M’s (‘deep and meaningfuls’) about how “you are mine and I am yours”. We get it. You’re in a relationship. Ygritte needs to stop worrying – there aren’t that many lookers amongst the wildlings. You have pretty red hair and you gave him his first sex. Chill, he’s not going anywhere.

I wasn’t so hot on them in the beginning. She had this very lofty, put-on air about her. It was all “OH look how tough and awesome I am. I’m from the NOORTH.” And of course, she liked to remind him of this:

Now, they’re kinda cute. It must be refreshing for Jon meet someone who doesn’t faint at the sight of blood after growing up in the same castle as Sansa Stark. He always did have an affinity for Arya. Ygritte and Arya are pretty similar actually. Both like to talk tough, although, Ygritte is probably a bit more able to deliver. But, wait – is there some transferred psychology there? Oh creepy, Jon! Arya is your half-sister!

It’s also really cute how easily impressed Ygritte is. Girl, I’m pretty sure you’re the one that knows nothing:

Remember that guy that tried to cut them loose during that climbing accident on The Wall? Oh yeah, apparently now he has feelings for Ygritte. Dude, THAT’s how you show her that you like her? By trying to KILL her? Someone needs to spend less time in his bird’s brain and more time in Podrick Payne’s.

Bran, The Little Man

Blah, blah, blah, must track down the three-eyed raven. Blah, blah, blah.

Yeah, Osha, you tell him! Why DO you have to do all the work while they sit around and chat about their dreams? Wussy little lords. Puh.

Poor Osha. As an immigrant myself, I feel you, sista. That unbridled panic at being sent back to the place you escaped from. To quote Max Brooks, “you will never understand a refugee’s heart.” But then, we always knew she was a hard one. Burning down your home with your man in it – that’s some horrid stuff. Why are you so cruel, George RR Martin?!

The King in the North

King Robb has lots of sexy sex with Charlie Chaplin’s daughter. She’s now preggos. We get way too many shots of Chaplin child’s butt. Catelyn Stark looks on disapprovingly (not while they are having sex, mind you).

How many times do we have to go over how Talisa has essentially destroyed any chances of Robb winning the war? Listen to your momma, Robb, not your cock.

The Brotherhood without Banners

Arya is hitting that age when she’s less “cute and precocious” and more “whiny and annoying”. Look at her sit on that rock and whine about ‘not speaking to traitors’. And then going ahead and speaking to them anyway, like a snotty teenage girl. Actually, she kinda reminds me of 14 year old me.

She’s not the cleverest of the Starks, is she? Well, the Starks were never a clever lot, but today, Arya really takes the cake. Yes, I’ll just run off into the wilderness with no food or resources, away from these men who are bound to protect me. Let’s just sprint off into the darkness. I’m sure I’ll be better off. Tra-la-la! Oh no! Oh wait! AUUGHHH!! THE HOUND!

Moron.

Theon Not-so-gay-joy

I’m really starting to feel for him. I couldn’t actually sit through his segment without visibly cringeing and clutching onto The Boyfriend for moral support. Why the mind games?! Why!? Just kill him already! Not his cock! Noooo!!!

Poor Theon…

The Boyfriend actually made an incredibly astute observation. He thinks that the Boltons have Theon (I’ve read the books, but don’t remember this part. The Boyfriend has not read the books). He pointed out that the cross that Theon has been strung up on looks similar to the flayed man on the Bolton’s coat of arms. What was amazing was that this is how The Boyfriend picked up on it:

The Boyfriend: “Oh hey, that emblem thing on Roose Bolton’s vest kinda looks like Theon. Do the Boltons have him?!”

King’s Landing

Sansa is bitching to Margaery about her upcoming nuptials to Tyrion. Oh noes! I have to copulate with a dwarf! Sansa’s so sad she can’t have sword-swallower Loras! Meanwhile, Margaery is engaged to the whore-murderer.

Ugh, what a diddling fool. I’m glad Margaery is there to talk her through the whole sex thing, even if she did just admit that she’s slept around. A LOT.

Honey, we could tell by your wardrobe.

At the same time, Tyrion is bemoaning having to marry ‘The Stark Child’. Tyrion has some values, okay? And look at him trying to appease Shae. Ugh, whatever. She is ACTUALLY a gold-digger (as in trying to dig into the Lannister’s famous gold, geddit? Lols). How does he not see this?

Finally, we get a tasty morsel of Tywin Lannister. Alas, no Olenna this week, but we get to see Tywin patronize the bajesus out of Joffrey. Look at how he’s so diplomatic, yet every word is dripping with indulgence and condescension. When I grow up, I want to be Tywin Lannister (gold and all).

That was essentially a complicated version of “All right, precious child-king. [Pats him on the head] Off to bed with you.”

The Handsome Twosome

Jaime and Brienne have established one of the most complicated and touching relationships of the entire series. It’s gratifying to see how its grown from hostility to mutual respect and hesitant trust. Brienne, not Cersei, has made a man out of Jaime. I guess you could say the same of Jaime, making a woman out of Brienne. She’s able to be open and vulnerable around him. And for once, she is the damsel in distress, to be saved by the dashing Ser Jaime!

Well, okay, not so dashing. He’s a bit too hobo chic right now to be considered anything close to dashing. When he jumped into the arena, I literally screamed to The Boyfriend, “WHAT THE HELL DOES THE GIMP THINK HE’S GOING TO DO!?”

“I am the Khaleesi, and you will do as I say!”

Indeed. Khaleesi is on a hot streak. Qarth, then Astapor, and now Yunkai. Watch out, Yunkish peeps! The Valyrian Abe Lincoln is out for slaver blood!

Can we all just savor how she decimates this Yunkish dude? Ooooh! Look at how big her wee dragons are getting!

BONUS – Tywin Lannister looking fierce as hell in hooker boots. Can’t unsee? Well SCREW YOU, he’s still a bad ass.

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Game of Thrones Recap (S03 E06): Tywin and Olenna duke it out

After weeks of mad awesomeness, there was very little in this episode that made us go ‘holy shitballs!’. This week’s episode is dedicated to setting up future story-lines. Its kinda, totally boring… Plus, the title of the episode, ‘The Climb’, just makes me think of that god-awful Miley Cyrus song.

I guess I can understand the virtue of having a slower paced episode to set up a biggie, but one thing is really bothering me:

WHERE IS KHALEESI!?

I need my weekly dose of dragon-lady.

Nevertheless, it gave me a scene that I’ve been waiting for all season: TYWIN vs. OLENNA – The Heavyweight Showdown. However, lets start with the Westerosi stragglers.

THE BREAKDOWN

Bran The Little Man

Bran is still crippled. Jojen is still creepy. Osha and Meera get snappy over how to skin rabbits.

One thing I thoroughly enjoy in Game of Thrones, though, is how sincerely badass a lot of the women are. Freaking hell – Crippled Bran, Baby Rickon, and Skinny Jojen (and even Retarded Hodor) are napping in their bedrolls while Meera and Osha do the hunting. These are some kickass women. Ygritte, Brienne, and our prodigal dragon-mother, Khaleesi, to name a few.

It makes sense too. While the men are off posturing and playing at war, the women are left behind to defend themselves from things worse than death. Thank you, George RR Martin, for trumpeting the strength of women.

Theon Gayjoy

Still strapped up. Still being tortured. (Seriously, what is going on? I don’t remember this bit in the book…)

His torturer loves playing mind games it seems. Are you in Deepwood Motte? Are you in Karhold? Na-nee-na-nee-boo-boo! I won’t tell you!

The Brotherhood Without Banners

Precious little Arya, trying to show off her weaponry skills again. Lols. How adorbs. She must have some kind of psychological disorder that makes her perceive herself as a hulking 6ft7 warrior. I just want to pat her on the head and say:

But, UGH, THE RED SKANK IS BACK. And she freaking takes Gendry! And Beric Dondarrion / Thoros of Myr trade him out for a couple bags of gold! How totally and completely uncool. Beric has fallen at least 5 notches on my cool-o-meter, whether or not he can light swords aflame with his blood.

The Handsome Twosome

Prince Charming looks a little less handsome now and a little more ex-army hobo. Brienne is in a PINK DRESS (haha!!). Roose Bolton betrays Robb Stark by letting Jaime go back to daddy in King’s Landing.

Is it mean for me to laugh at this crippled guy fail so hard at cutting up his dinner? I was laughing internally, if that helps. I’m a bad person… It’s cute how Brienne helps him cut up his dinner though. Like a wee baby boy.

The NOOORTH

Buh-BOOM!

We get a glimpse of Fat Sam trying to take care of Anorexic Cassie from Skins and her baby boy. Its sweet how hard he tries, especially seeing how incompetent he is at most things. I suspect that not being able to start a fire in Westeros is much like not being able to boil an egg on Earth. How embarrassing.

Then, we’re treated to Jon Snow and Ygritte climbing The Wall. Ygritte has a touching scene with Jon telling him that she’s his woman and that she will always care for him. Then she tells him that if he betrays her, she’ll cut off his wang and wear it as a necklace. Charming. She’s evolved from Overly Attached Girlfriend into Overly Insane Girlfriend:

Bitch be cray-cray.

Then, with that beautiful sentiment still swimming in his head, Jon Snow and the Northern crew get to climbing that behemoth of a wall. They climb, there’s an accident, that dickish Warg guy who’s played by that wooden-eyed moron from Pirates fo the Caribbean cuts the rope, letting Ygritte and Jon fall. Luckily, Jon is a crafty, crafty boy and catches onto a ledge before the rope is loosed. They get to the top, check out the view, and kiss like two horny high-schoolers at Make-Out Point.

I think this was meant to be the ‘exciting storyline’ this week. Ehh, I like Gwen The Downton Abbey Housemaid as much as the next person, but it left me cold. Haha, ‘cold’ – geddit?

The King in the North

So they’re selling off Edmure Tully to the Freys already. We’re at that point.

ROBB!! WHY DID YOU MARRY THAT VOLANTIS BIMBO!? WHY?! (It’s very Helen of Troy, how she’s screwing up an entire war for everyone. Only, she’s not half as beautiful as Diane Kruger.) Gawd, what a cock-up.

Everybody stay tuned for The Red Wedding.

King’s Landing

So this is where the actions at.

First off, HOLY SHIT GoT Joan is dead! Roz is dead! Well, she was outlasting her use. Oh, that’s actually pretty brutal of me to say. Joffrey is a nutjob. He is Patrick Bateman of Westeros with a crossbow instead of an axe.

Loras and Sansa have a lovely awkward chat. She’s clearly still under the impression that she will be married to him and live happily ever after in fairytale rose-land. Oh, Sansa. She’s another one I want to pat on the head, and say, “Oh, honey…” Were she more well-versed with the world, she would pin Loras for the flaming homosexual he is the minute he started talking about how much he liked green brocade and French sleeves. (Pardonnez-moi, writers, but WHY IS HE TALKING ABOUT ‘FRENCH’ SLEEVES? Are there French people in Westeros? I think NOT!) Loras is so obviously fabulous:

Alas, it has been decided that TYRION shall wed SANSA, and CERSEI shall produce baby flowers with the fabulous LORAS.

Tyrion and Cersei have a good sibling moment where they both reflect on the sordid demands of the Lannister legacy. They can see it destroying their lives. They see how ruthless their father is. Yet, they both do nothing to protect themselves or each other. Can you imagine how indestructible a team made up of Tyrion, Cersei, and Jaime would’ve been if they had worked together?

Great… we’re marrying children.

Alas! We arrive at the moment we’ve all been waiting for! The Grand Showdown between Lannister Lion, Lord Tywin of Casterly Rock, and Queen of Thorns, Lady Olenna Tyrell of Highgarden!

Watching them callously barter their children and grandchildren like chattel was, singularly, the awesomest thing ever. Despicable, yet thoroughly, unbeatably awesome. This is how dynasties are created:

HAHA, Lady Olenna calls Loras a “sword-swallower, through and through.” She seems so proud.

Admittedly, we have to say that humourless Tywin won that round. Lady Olenna more than holds her own though. She secedes with such grace and cheek.

“I am Khaleesi, and you will do as I say!”

Oh WHOOPS. There WAS no Khaleesi this episode, WAS THERE?

I have to say though, I really miss the Khal.

This makes me very, very sad.

I actually met (well, sat in the same room and breathed in the same air as)  Jason Momoa when he was down in Melbourne for ComicCon 2012. He is charmingly goofy, incredibly endearing (when he talks about his wife and kids especially), and about five kinds of sexy.

Oh, Khal – I’ll be your sun and your stars!

= = =

BONUS Zach Braff craving Khaleesi as much as I do:

Sadly, I don’t think it worked out:

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Game of Thrones Recap (S03 E05): Pickled babies

Yes, pickled-in-a-jar, preserved-in-fluid, BABIES:

Break glass in case of desperation and/or insanity.

Break glass in case of desperation and/or insanity.

THE BREAKDOWN

Dragonstone

Its pretty obvious why we’re starting here, with The Man Who Would Be King (were it not for The Red Skank). We find Stannis at Dragonstone, licking his wounds. Alas, we are introduced to  his much-neglected wife – Lady Selyse of House Florent.

Lady Selyse and Lysa Tully (breastfeeding lady) should become BFFs because within the space of about 5 mins, we find out she’s ten kinds of kookoo.

Firstly, when Stannis comes to her in repentance for sleeping with The Red Skank – he’s so so sorry that he has wronged her, he has shamed her etc etc. What does Lady Selyse say? “You’re doing God’s work. […] When [Red Skank] told me, I WEPT WITH JOY.” — Yup, she cried happy tears when she found out her husband was banging the help.

Secondly, Lady Selyse is crazy because PICKLED BABIES.

Look, Stanny! Look at how they've grown!

Look, Stanny! Look at how they’ve grown!

On the brightside, we get to meet Stannis’ only child, little Lady Shireen. She has greyscale on her face, so of course, everyone’s all ‘gross’ and ‘the shaaaame’. But she turns out to be a kind-hearted girl who happens to be the only likeable kid in Westeros. How sweet was it when she started to teach Davos (“Ser Onion Knight!”) to read? What a darling!

The Handsome Twosome

Ser Jaime Lannister & Lady Brienne Tarth shall henceforth be known as The Handsome Twosome, because, let’s face it, they’re both quite handsome (he’s Prince Charming after all). 

Okay, so I’m a total space case because I thought the guy who cleaved off Jaime’s hand was Roose Bolton. But, he’s not! We meet Roose Bolton! And he’s so much cooler! Hehe how embarrassing… they said he was a Bolton so I just assumed. But alas, all I did was make an ass out of you and me.

For those who have read the books, Jaime Lannister becomes a character we all can cherish. It seems that they’re starting the ‘We Believe In Jaime Lannister’ campaign in this episode. He’s always been a tragic hero of sorts. At first, all he was was ‘the poor little rich boy’. Now, we’re privy to the fact that Jaime is a man of un-mined depths. It’s good to finally see where the root of his nonchalance and callousness comes from. It is as it always will be – a coping mechanism for a less-than desired life.

Please give Nikolaj Coster-Waldau the courtesy of viewing this splendid scene:

The NOOORTH

Did you read it with the proper baritone? I want to hear the BOOM!

Whoo! Jon Snow and Ygritte get up to some hanky-panky! About time, Jon. He was starting to remind me of Edward Cullen and his century-long virginity. I knew it was coming, but was anyone as shocked as I was when Ygritte got completely buck-nekkid? OMGAH, Gwen! Cover up! One does not conduct one’s self this way at Downton Abbey!

Lady Sybil does not approve.

Sadly, no Mance Rayder this episode. Where are you, Caesar!?

Brotherhood without Banners

As excited as I was to see The Red Priest raise Beric Dondarrion from the dead, how cool was his FLAMING SWORD?! Did he use HIS BLOOD as FLINT? COOLNESS.

I might be coming round on Beric Dondarrion. He’s climbed up a notch on my cool-o-meter. Okay, maybe two notches.

Riverrun

It seems King Robb of the North is destined to repeat the mistakes of his father – the noble and inarguably stupid Ned Stark.

I admire his innate need to do what’s right and the courage he has in his convictions. It’s why I started crushing on him in the first place (and why I turned into a green rage-monster when he married that Volantis nobody). But at the same time, somebody needs to tell this boy to STOP LOSING THIS WAR WITH ONE POOR DECISION AFTER ANOTHER.

Okay, so Karstark murdered two Lannister boys. Its really freaking bad. I don’t know how I would’ve dealt with it (because I am not King in The North, sadly), but I’m pretty sure executing your distant relative, who also happens to have supplied you with half your army, is a terrifically DUMB MOVE. Its slightly hypocritical that all his mother got was a slap on the wrist, whereas Uncle Karstark got his head lopped off. Yeah, murder is significantly worse, but I’m sure there is a wide range of choices within the spectrum of mild scolding and taking off someone’s head with a broadsword.

I’m really NOT looking forward to The Red Wedding.

King’s Landing

Yess! I’ve wanted to see Lady Olenna Tyrell and Tyrion Lannister duke it out since the beginning! This week, we see them throw verbal bitch-slaps over the upcoming Royal Wedding. Tyrion is hopelessly, hilariously outgunned. She walks ALL OVER HIM. She really is the batty old bitch version of Tywin Lannister. I am seriously going to start shopping my pitch for GoT offshoot Tywin & Olenna: The Golden Years’ to all the major networks. HBO, you can have first dibs. You’re welcome.

Sorry, I can’t adequately summarise the awesomeness of Lady Olenna. Please watch the following as she unloads zinger after zinger on Tyrion (and poor Pod):

It’s a bad week for Tyrion, because not only does he get dominated by an old lady, he gets sold off into an arranged marriage by his daddy-kins to the adolescent Sansa Stark. Tywin and Olenna are tag-teaming already.

I can’t understand the obsession both Cersei and Tyrion have with gaining their father’s love and respect. This is a man who repeatedly shames them and berates them for all their failings. Never once does he acknowledge their accomplishments. Never once does he show them any inkling of love. Not only that, but he selfishly uses them to further his own agenda time and time again. Beware, Lannister cubs, that’s how you end up on a stripper pole.

(ps. Honestly though Cersei, it won’t be so bad being married to Loras. He won’t mind that you’re a brother-humper, and you won’t mind that he’s a glittery rainbow. It might actually work out well!)

“I am The Khaleesi, and you will do as I say.”

Week after week, I am being won over by Khaleesi. Once, she was a silly girl with a superiority complex because of a title she gained from her husband (“I am The Khaleesi, and you will do as I say!”). Then, she was an entitled girl with a superiority complex because of an inherited legacy (“I am Daenerys Stormborn, and I will take what is mine!”).

NOW, she is a self-possessed woman with cunning to match her charisma.

…and she has an army.

I would bow down to Khaleesi if she were on The Iron Throne. Wouldn’t you? Only if she insisted that they kept calling her Khaleesi though.

Her interaction with the new Unsullied leader, Grey Worm, choked me up a little. She is so inspiring. Screw being a princess – all the little girls will now want to grow up to ride dragons and massacre slave-traders!

(Sidenote: How beautiful does Valyrian sound? Its like a Germanic-Slavic-Spanish mix. So gorgeous.)

BONUS – Game of Thrones, if it were on The CW. Watch until the end for an excellent surprise pairing:

 

 

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Thor The Dark World Trailer: The Dark Demigod

In The Avengers pantheon, its safe to say that Thor is considered the lightweight of the group. The first Thor film was pretty good, but it was… popcorn-y.

Don’t get me wrong, there’s nothing wrong with popcorn. Its crunchy, buttery, golden goodness in a brightly-coloured wrapper (much like Thor!). But that’s not something you traditionally associate with Kenneth Branagh. In the 21st Century, Kenneth Branagh is synonymous with Shakespeare! Okay, so Thor was Shakespearean popcorn – deliciously fun, yet eloquent.

On the plus side, Branagh attracts talent – aside from Robert Downey Jr’s Iron Man, an argument can be made that the two largest breakout stars from the Marvel universe were Tom Hiddleston and Chris Hemsworth. Tom Hiddleston is the embodiment of elegant mischief, while Chris Hemsworth’s golden mane practically screams hero.

Hey, ladies.

The one thing that really freaked me out in the first film was just how SHINY everything was. It made everything look fake and super CGI’d. I mean, you’re not JJ Abrams, Kenneth – we don’t need that much lens-flare.

OOooOOooooooOOOoOooOOoooohhhh! SHINY.

Alas, the new trailer for Thor: The Dark World dashes all thoughts of shiny-ness. Someone threw a bucket of mud all over the film and sloshed it around. What arose was a gritty Demi-god akin to The Dark Knight.

Word Vomit:

More references to Christopher Nolan – zero-gravity truck!

WHOAAAAAA alien spacecraft? Um, magical Elvish spacecraft?

KAT DENNINGS! Whatever happened to her iPod? Did SHIELD give it back? She did just download 20 songs, after all. I’d be pissed too.

Oh hey, Natalie! She’s so tiny next to him. Kinda like his wife, Elsa Pataky. Btw, I’m small too, Chris. *hint*hint*

Janey goes to Asgard! Sif looks super JELLO! So jealous, she’s green jello.

That’s another fabulous red cape.

I can’t handle it! The swelling vocals, the thunderous drums, and THOR ON A BATTLEFIELD. Finally! I just want to see him get Medieval on Elvish butt and just bash some shit up. How cool is it that the soundtrack is named ‘Shinigami’? (For those uncultured few, that means ‘God of Death’ in Japanese.)

God of Thunder, baby

God of Thunder, baby

Someone needs plastic surgery. Or some skin-grafts, at least:

Elvish cyborg scum

Elvish cyborg scum

LOKI!! Be aware, Hiddlestoners, that Tom Hiddleston is being rumoured for the role of Draven in The Crow. This is definitely going to help his case:

Gothic chic

Gothic chic

The first thing I did after watching that trailer was to Google the director. This is obviously NOT the work of shiny Kenneth Branagh.  I present to you the man that brings us the Dark Demi-God:

Director Alan Taylor

This will be Alan Taylor’s directorial debut in a major feature film. But lets look at his past television credits:

GAME OF THRONES (6 EPISODES)

MAD MEN (4 EPISODES)

BOARDWALK EMPIRE (1 EPISODE)

THE SOPRANOS (9 EPISODES)

ROME (2 EPISODES)

DEADWOOD (2 EPISODES)

CARNIVALE (1 EPISODE)

F*CK YES! I love this man already. In Alan Taylor, we (hope to) trust.

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Game of Thrones Recap (S03 E04): Valyrian is my mother tongue, b*tch

Did I call it, or did I call it? Khaleesi dropped some Valyrian and razed an entire freaking city. Slave Master dude from Astapor GOT BURNED by Khaleesi (bahaha!). Anyway, we’ll get to that later.

Dracarys, muthaf*cker

Dracarys, muthaf*cker

In this week’s episode, let us relish the delicious political potluck of King’s Landing, spiced with sprinklings of Westerosi refugees and a heaping scoop of ice cold murder up North. Oh yeah, and for the main course, a bloody massacre in Astapor – courtesy of our favourite hostess, Khaleesi of House Targaryen.

Lets skip along through all the random bits with our dirty smelly Westerosi travellers so we can get to the sumptuous parts of our GoT feast (I love saving all the fatty, oily, delicious stuff for last).

THE BREAKDOWN

Jaime / Brienne with Bolton’s Bastards

Oh, come on. Hanging the guy’s chopped off hand around his neck is just foul.

Nine kinds of nasty

Nine kinds of nasty

I vividly recall reading the parts in the book directly after Jaime’s hand was cut off. George RR Martin’s description of the smell of the rotting flesh, the pus oozing from his wrist, his head spinning with burning fever. With all that running through my head, coupled with the visual of Jaime writhing in the mud and horse piss – made me feel like I was watching Hannibal for a brief second. (Congrats on being somewhat relevant, Hannibal!)

It sucks to lose your hand, Jaime. But it also sucks to lose your life. Stop being such a whiny b*tch – “ohh I don’t want to live anymore” – and suck it up. You’re in GAME OF THRONES, man. Bad shit happens to everyone every day. NED STARK LOST HIS HEAD. Losing your hand seems pretty minor. So yeah, you tell him Brienne:

Brienne: “You sound like a bloody woman!”

I beg to differ. Jaime sounds like a whiny nobleman. I think we all know by now how tough the women in GoT are. Yourself included, Brienne.

Bran the  Little Man

Nothing much happens. Bran has a pathetic little dream where he falls off a tree. Yes, sad, sad, but that was three seasons ago. A little too 2000 and late.

Theon Gayjoy

What a MINDF*CK. So Servant Legolas basically just took him on a round trip just to mess with him? What was the point of that!?

Props to Alfie Allen for that touching moment: “My real father lost his head at King’s Landing. I made a choice, and I chose wrong.

As much as I want to hate Gayjoy, I just want to hand him over to a nice elderly foster mother like Evelyn from Four Brothers and have her straighten him out along with a bunch of other unruly delinquents.

Arya & The Brotherhood without Banners

We get an enticing glimpse into the underground cult that is the Brotherhood without Banners. We’ve already got The Red Priest, Thoros of Myr, and now we meet Beric Dondarrion.

Honestly, I’m slightly disappointed. Thoros of Myr, the Red Priest of Rhllor, was a merry fat blasphemer in King’s Landing who was thrown out and hardened into a true believer during his time with The Brotherhood. Beric Dondarrion was a dashing young knight whose gallantry led to his downfall in the pursuit of the Mountain, who found redemption and religion with the Brotherhood. So basically, they’re both meant to be freaking scary, and thus AWESOME.

Well, lets not rush to judgement, I suppose.

Thoros of Myr: Not fanatical enough

Beric Dondarrion: Not dashing enough

 The NOOORTH

Did you use the appropriate baritone when reading the title? Good.

Unfortunately, there were no funtimes with Julius Caesar (Mance Rayder) and his Merry Band of Misfits this week. Just disgruntled crows and a whole lot of murder at Craster’s Keep. How DARE Ugly Troll Guy stab His Lord Commander?! HOW DARE HE. Lord Commander should’ve / would’ve ripped him apart with his bare decrepit hands! I hope you get sliced to pieces by White Walkers, you foul turncoat!

R.I.P. Old Bear

King’s Landing

Oh there’s so many scrumptious snackadoodles to choose from!

Well, lets start with Varys’ chilling story about how his man jewels were cut off:

VARYS’ REVENGE – served ice cold and in a rickety crate.

There’s a lot of references to Varys’ genitalia in this episode. I guess you can’t request an audience with Grand Dame Tyrell and not expect a verbal smack down:

Grand Dame Tyrell is basically the female Tywin, non? Both are ruthless and intelligent. Both demand the respect of those around them. CAN YOU IMAGINE THEM MARRIED? Oh my god, that would make a great sitcom. ‘Tywin & Olenna: The Golden Years’.

Oh, Tywin Lannister. If there is one thing that redeems him, it is his knack for making you want to commit suicide by way of brutal honesty. How are his children even alive?

Tywin (to Cersei): “I don’t distrust you because you’re a woman. I distrust you because you’re not as smart as you think you are”

Ouch.

And on that note, Cersei is really losing touch with Joffrey. She lost control two seasons ago. Yet, Margaery – she’s masterful. You can expect as much from the lady who was also Anne Boleyn. Natalie Dormer is really carving a living out for herself by playing the manipulative partners of tyrannical kings.

“I am The Khaleesi, and you will do as I say!”

KHALEESI! I have a love-hate relationship with Khaleesi. She gets on my nerves, but yet I always come crawling back every time she does something cool. She’s like a little sister – she pisses me off, but I can’t help but be proud of her.

This episode, Khaleesi stole the whole she-bang. She was glorious.

I cannot put it into words, so enjoy and pay homage at the feet of Khaleesi:

KHALEESI WILL RULE WESTEROS. Just you wait, petty humans.

BONUS, TYWIN LANNISTER READING ’50 SHADES OF GREY’. If you were too lazy to watch any of the above, do yourself a favor and watch Charles Dance talk about ‘kinky f*ckery’:

UPDATE: Who do we need to bribe to get this into production –

I call House Targaryen. You can call me ‘Khaleesi’.

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