Firstly, apologies for my truly lacklustre work ethic. Forgive me for schlumping two episodes together in this recap. Sure, I’m a lazy turd. However, let’s just all admit that jack-all happened in Episode 8 except for some sappy Sookie soul-searching.
The Fairy Princess Bride
Oh my god, Sookie has been wearing that same outfit (floral skirt, thigh high black socks, and boots) for three frickin episodes. Doesn’t it smell? Doesn’t it smell of SHINY FAIRY SEX JUICES and DEAD DADDY SWAMP MURDER? As harrowing as her story is, I was mainly glad that she finally got a hot shower and a fresh set of clothes. (Even if said clothes looked like they belonged in my seventh grade wardrobe. Those pigtails, however, I left in kindergarten.)
Here’s the skinny: Bill wants Warlow’s blood so he can pass it around like the bloody Holy Grail and level up all the vampires at Camp Auschvamp into day-walkers. Tricky thing is that everyone hates Bill now because he’s a delusional megalomaniac and nobody wants to help him.
Nevertheless, Sookie wants to save her friends (yada, yada) so she opts in to Bill’s Vamp-Saving Brigade and agrees to persuade Warlow to help. In return, Warlow drops an ultimatum on Miss Fairy Princess – you want my blood? you better fuckin’ marry me. Well, he says it a lot nicer than that. He proposes (eternity) to her.
Hehe – look at Rob Kazinsky. Gosh darn it, ain’t he a cutie?!
She reluctantly agrees to being his Fairy Princess Bride for all of Eternity, of course, because she is the ultimate danger-whore. However, not before she tries to scam on Sam to try and make him ask her to give up her powers. Good on you, Sam, for telling her to shove off! (Applause)
What is it with Anna Paquin and trying to relinquish her powers to be normal? Sookie doesn’t want to be a fairy with bright shiny powers. Anna Marie doesn’t want to be Rogue and chill with the cool-as-fuck X-Men. (Plus who the fuck doesn’t want to spend eternity with Warlow and his six-millenia hard on?) Does Anna Paquin just give off that normal nancy vibe, casting directors? I really want to know! As stupid as it is sometimes, I would rather be a fucking fairy with shiny hands that gets to bump uglies with hot supernatural men than be a regular ole bumpkin in Bon Temps with 3.5 children and a chubby booze-guzzling husband.
Final note – kudos to Anna Paquin for that stirring speech about how she’d rather be a walking corpse and for her parents to fuck off for being close-minded murderous douchebags. Snaps for Sookie!
Sarah Newlin is INSANE-ULOUS
MEGA-FUCKIN-SNAPS for ANNA CAMP and her award-worthy turn as Sarah Newlin: Crazy Christian Crackpot.
Item #1 – Sarah Newlin hamster-wheels her ex-hubby
Item #2 – Sarah Newlin tries to bake a pie with Vamp-gizzard filling (Bye, Steve Newlin – its been fun!)
Item #3 – Sarah Newlin smashes up the face of Asian Corporate Lady
I was totally rooting for bad-ass Asian chick though. YEAHH!! KNEE HER IN HER LADY BALLS!
Let this be a lesson to ye, little children. Stilettos kill. Let justice rain down upon those who are deserving. In the form of an angry Jason Stackhouse:
Anna Camp as Sarah Newlin has been one of the most thrilling, psychopathic villains True Blood has had in a while. Though she is not physically intimidating, she has that maniacal glint in her eye – the same one that gives you the heebie-jeebies when you enter the same room as Hannibal Lecter or Ted Bundy. Albeit, she’s the Serial Killer Lite version. Essentially, she is Russell Edgington with bouncy blonde hair.
Uprising at Camp Aushchvamp
A big welcome back to Eric Northman: Badass Edition 2.0. We’ve waited for this as long as Pam has waited for Eric to forget Sookie’s fairy vagina. Let’s take a gander at Eric’s greatest hits the last couple episodes:
We have snarky Eric
We have puzzled Eric
We have playful Eric
We have magnanimous Eric
..and, we have scary Eric.
Last season, we were knee-deep in Eric’s love-sickness for Sookie and her fancy-smelling blood. Its such a delight to see him revert to the one-man massacre machine we all knew him to be. His rescue last night was like watching a sadistic Jason Bourne liberating the bloodthirsty inmates from that mental hospital in American Horror Story. Of particular note was his spectacular castration of the cowardly Dr Overlark – 7/10 for Technical Difficulty, 9/10 pts for Execution, and 10/10 for Style!
But of course, true to form, Eric abandons Pam as soon as he is able. “Alritey then, Pam’s okay – time for me to Superman off into the sunset and break her heart all over again!”
Pam and Eric’s relationship is certainly one of the strong points of True Blood. For Pam, Eric is a fascinating amalgam of father figure, lover, soulmate, brother, and idol. In fact, she kind of comes off as the most loyal follower in Eric’s evil cult. She’s a little bit like the Bellatrix Lestrange to his Lord Voldemort.
Can we just note how inhumanly good that prison jumpsuit looks on Pam. A real diva brings it, no matter what the outfit.
On a side note, I’m very much enjoying the new bad bitch in town: Violet Mazurski, the hardcore old-school medieval-times Catholic. There aren’t many people who can tell Pam to eff off and live to brag about it.
Plus, I’m really keen to see how Violet getting all Fatal Attraction on Jason will pan out. I bet there will bunnies involved.
(Pam be like, ‘You’re on your own, Jason.’)
The Terry Bellefleur Retrospective
Thank you, writer room, for this touching and bittersweet homage to the best husband and father in True Blood: Terry Bellefleur. As each mourner reminisced their ‘Terry story’ with the crowd, each vignette gave us a glimpse into his sweet, damaged, stoic soul. It wasn’t all doom and gloom though. From Andy, to Sam, to Lafayetter (especially Lafayette), it was nice to be reminded of Terry in all his charmingly eccentric glory.
And like I said before, Terry and Arlene’s stable, supportive romance grounds the show amidst the various supernatural shenanigans (i.e. shiny fairy sex, obsessive Catholic vampires, brother-sister vampcest…etc). Brangelina? Pfft, Tarlene ftw.
p.s. A Sneaky Note on Shifters and Wolves
While I don’t condone violence against women, props to Alcide for showing that crazy were-bitch, Ricki, who’s boss. I might be ready to offer a tentative hand of friendship to Alcide. Especially if he pulls more of these – behold, Alcide posing with a bottle of ‘Man-scent’ and his adoring fans: