Tag Archives: Nora Gainsborough

True Blood Recap (S06 E07): Stockholder Syndrome

True Blood is giving me stockholder syndrome, I tell you. I know its being bad to me, but I can’t help getting attached every time it throws me a morsel of good.

Der Führer, Sarah Newlin 

AUGHHHH, Sarah Newlin! Don’t smooch up The Governor’s dismembered head!! Its just soo… unsanitary.

Seriously, though – Anna Camp and her crazy eyes make me want to either (a) run screaming into the hills for fear of bible-thumpers with pitchforks, or (b) worship at the altar of her batshitty-ness.

I can’t quite tell if her religious zeal is genuine or if she just uses it as a weapon to gain power. Probably a bit of both. It seems that her once pure beliefs were corrupted into running rampant with so-called ‘glorious purpose’. There is nothing scarier than a power-hungry zealot. Case in point, her mad-genius plan is to hide the Governor’s death so that she can be the sole mouthpiece of the vampire-extermination political machine. How twisted is that?

She is one scary bitch.

  

Danger Whore’s Post-Coital Proposal

Their post-coital cuddling session looks like Instagram swallowed it whole and spat it out with a ‘Hipsterize’ filter.

Oh Warlow, don’t go getting all girly on Sookie. One-time garden fairy sex does not guarantee an eternity of commitment. I know she’s your predestined fairy queen and all, but Robert Kazinsky – you can do better than Danger Whore. Leave her to her bloody orgastic Bon Temps circus and escape into another dimension before she drags you through her stinking pile of drama.

Mourning Terry Bellefleur

Whenever Carrie Preston deigns to grace True Blood with her electric performances, I’m reminded of why my love-hate relationship with True Blood frequently errs toward gleeful, guiltless love. She is such a joy to watch. She has that magic ability to make you feel devastated in one moment and then spin it into hilarity in the next. I love her even when she’s dissing Lafayette as a “voodoo queer”. MOARR ARLENE!!

Sex and Stockholder Syndrome at Camp Auschvamp

First off – HAH! I knew that our Vamp in Shining Armour, James, would be back for some Baby Vamp lovin’. Did I call it, or did I call it? Okay, to be fair, probably everyone ‘called it’. Regardless, I’m thoroughly satisfied to have our Vampire Knight back. I really like him and Jessica together – its all very ‘supernatural teen romance novel’. Given, he looks a bit too much like Taylor Hanson for me. Nevertheless, I’m sure he’ll MmmBop his way into Ms Hamby’s ‘heart’.

  

While Jessica gets all gooey over Vampire Knight, I think Jason is the unsung hero here. Did you see his face when she asked him for some “privacy”? You could practically see the gears in his brain grinding to keep up with the implications. Dear, sweet, Jason Stackhouse. He’s a bit like Hodor with a hot body. Sure, hes been misguided a few times during the series, but he’s grown into such a well-meaning and kind-hearted person. Jason Stackhouse is so adorbs, even if he’s a bit on the daft side.

Sex is certainly the currency of trade at Camp Auschvamp. I’m simultaneously impressed and reviled by Pam’s employment of her significant talents to manipulate the schlobby pervert therapist. Pam is so devious. I love her. Poor thing for having to resort to his gluggy, cholesterol-clogged blood though.

The Vampire Chronicles: Interview with Eric Northman

You know that sepia-toned flashback where we see Eric Northman all done up like The Vampire Lestat, encountering human Nora for the first time  back in plague-ridden England? This is what we needed last season to generate sympathy for Nora. Now, I freakin’ adore Nora. Was that your intention, writer-room? Make us love Nora before she disintegrates into a goopy pile of vampire innards? Dicks.

In all seriousness, the Eric-Nora story arc in this episode was surprisingly moving. All the credit must go to Alexander Skarsgard (and yes, Lucy Griffiths for her baleful blue doe-eyes). True Blood doesn’t really give him much else to do other than strike threatening poses and drop sarcastic one-liners. It must’ve been nice for him to stretch his legs dramatically. He’s been on the brink of breaking out for a few years now. I really hope some casting director watches this and decides to put him in a movie where he’s more than “the broody dangerous sexy guy”. He’s the son of Stellan frickin’ Skarsgard, people! That’s some fine acting thoroughbred genes he’s got there. I beseech you, Internet denizens – let him be associated with better roles than Edward Cullen 2.0 in Fifty Shades of Grey.

It was absolutely gut-wrenching to watch him to clutch desperately to Nora as she (literally) fell apart in his arms. Please let this mean that this cues psycho-Eric. I’d love to watch him get genocidal on those racist motherf*ckers.

  
  

CONCLUSION: What was that? I still don’t give a shit about werewolves and shifters? Oh, yes, that’s correct.

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True Blood Recap (S06 E01-E02): The Genesis of Billith

Huzzah! My favourite Southern supernatural blood-orgy has returned! My summer is complete! (Well, its winter in Melbourne. True Blood keeps me toasty at night, thinking of the various shenanigans the writers’ are going to put Sookie’s fairy cooch through.)

However, did anyone in the blogosphere really feel the need to recap the premiere of True Blood Season 6? Thus, the combined post. We shan’t grant a whole blog post to a filler episode, shall we? Its the principle of the matter.

So where are we?

Let’s all just admit that Season 5 took a turn towards the outlandishly comical by the end of its run. Shall we recap it? Vampires partying Amsterdam-style while hopped-up on ancient blood. Andy Bellefleur’s baby-mama birthing their half-breed quadruplets on a pool table. Luna shifting into Steve Newlin on live TV (okay, that was moderately cool). That goddamn fairy night-club (really, writers?). And finally, BILLITH.

Alas, just like Jon Hamm, I can’t quit you, True Blood. No matter how silly you get, I shall stick by you. I relish every moment of its nonsensical ridiculousness (and that’s saying a lot considering the stupidity of Sookie’s moronic fairy-land plotline).

The Book of Billith

I love me some Bill Compton! He’s the sexy Southern gentleman with the voice of silk. You know your lady-parts get tingly when he says ‘Sookeh’. At the end of last season, Bill chugged down Lillith’s blood, melted like the Wicked Witch into a pool of red cornstarch syrup, and arose from the bloody primordial ooze as the new God of Vampires  – ALL HAIL BILLITH!

He goes on a massive murder spree while in the nude (as you do), and when he comes to, we see that its basically still just Bill. But with fancy powers. OooOOoOOooHhHhhhh, *powers*! Now everyone is geeking out, all “omgawd Bill is a mooonster! What shall we doo?” Take a chill pill, vampire dudes. Don’t get all Salem Witch Trials-hysterical because you don’t understand what you see.

You know what just totally grates on me? SOOKIE STABBING BILL IN THE BACK. LITERALLY. (Crazy bitch.)

For the first 4-5 seasons, we are treated to the epic ballad of Bill & Sookie’s love. Now, here comes along this Viking Sex God and Sookie is all “That’s not Bill anymore!!”? She is one flaky fairy. So what if he naked-murders a few vampire authority cronies? Okay, its kinda weird, but after all that you two have been through, maybe he might be worth the benefit of the doubt? And then by freaking Episode 2, she’s already vibe-ing with some random half-fairy dude? COME ON.

A relationship that I find thoroughly more satisfying is the tender familial bond blooming between Bill and Jessica. Just goes to show that family always trumps that silly notion of being ‘in love’. For crying out loud, she stuck by him when he had that massive psychological breakdown where he freaking wept blood and developed incredibly disturbing telekinetic blood-vacuuming powers. Tha’ shi’ be f***cked uuup.  I mean, how many daughters order bloodwhore take-out for their mentally deranged papas?

BabyVamp still loves you, Billith!

The Southern Vampire Apartheid 

Ugh the Governor guy makes me want to hurl. He is everything that is wrong with politics – people who leverage themselves into power by capitalising on a fear-mongering state of affairs. It utterly disgusts me. He is the bald, bespectacled Michele Bachmann of vampires. Take a cue for Bachmann and RETIRE.

Too bad Eric’s little sabotage mission didn’t quite work. It did give us this beautiful gem to treasure though: NERDY ERIC. Whoever didn’t burst out in bout of giddy giggles and wild clapping is lying.

I found it deeply fascinating and frighteningly realistic the weapons that the humans have manufactured to combat the “filthy vampers”. Glamour-proof contact lenses? Silver bullets that emit UV rays? I have to admit its pretty impressive. (It gives me confidence in our survival in the event of a zombie apocalypse. No seriously, I believe its going to happen and I’m well-prepared. I have perused all of Max Brooks‘ books.)

Speaking of UV-ray silver bullets, Tara is a big ole idiot that needs to keep that trap shut. Have you noticed how her incessant outbursts have repeatedly gotten her in deep, echoing shit? She’s like the black, Southern, adult version of Arya Stark – only less cute and a great deal less lucky. Tara is just so UGGHH. Case in point – she jumped on a freaking bar and got SHOT. Like, what the hell Tara, sit the f*ck down.

And this whole Pam/Tara lesbian-love situation? I am not a fan. Pam can do better. Even Nora would be a better choice (and I am NOT a fan of Nora’s.)

Speaking of Nora, they tried to set her up as this prodigy political genius last season. Eric repeated it enough times, but I’m not quite sure I believe it. So when Nora (aka. Bitch Sergeant) spends these two episodes constantly shooting out orders, I’m totally with Pam on this:

But back to the point Tara was making about Pam and Eric. He really does treat her like crap. Seeing how Jessica interacts with Bill though, I sorta get it. He is her maker and her first epic love. Her feelings towards him are fathoms more than romantic. It really cuts me when I see him treating her like shit. Especially when he treats her like shit for the sake of Sookie and her magical fairy vagina. I’m pretty sure this is akin to the psychology of domestic abuse, but she just can’t quit him.

Oh Pam, you don’t know just how much I want better things for you! YOU ARE A GODDESS. Don’t let the bastards grind you down.

The F*cking Fairies

F*CKING FAIRIES. (I refuse to spell it as “faery” because its stupid enough as it is.)

Worst. Plotline. Ever.

Sookie and her ballet of insipidity can be encapsulated in one line:

“Jason, I am your f*cking fairy grandfather.” (*DRY HEAVE*)

And seriously, Andy Bellefleur’s fairy-hybrid quadruplets that possess the growing abilities of that frickin’ Twilight baby? Just, NO.

Even Andy knows how freaking dumb this is.

Is this really the best way to employ Arlene, writers? Carrie Preston is a comedic genius and the best you can do for her are heehaw diaper jokes!? Criminal.

The Shifters/Wolves

I don’t care.

Who is this? I really can’t remember. Ugh, that gross wolfpack orgy. Cover up, Alcide (seriously, I never thought I’d say that).

God, those two gifs look like a clip from an angry, bestiality-fetish porno.

Sam is so boring. Emma is so boring. Thank god we have Lafayette to liven things up.

UGH, I JUST DON’T CARE

In Conclusion – Episode 2 was a lot better than Episode 1. If it were up to me, we would kill off all the wolves, the shifters, the fairies, and just focus on the vampires. Lafayette and Arlene can run Merlotte’s as a friendly neighbourhood vampire watering hole where all the vampires can come hobnob and jump sharks to the sounds of canned laughter a la Happy Days.

BONUS – If you don’t watch BabyVamp’s Vlog already, you freaking should. Jessica Hamby is so adorbs. (And this is the Tara I like – the sarcastic, flippant bitch that just dont give a damn. Leave the dramarama to Sookie.)

 

 

 

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