Tag Archives: Prince Charming

True Blood Recap (S06 E06): Dangerwhore’s Fairy Paradise

Have any of you girls ever had shiny bright fairy-light emanate from your crotch when you orgasmed? Hmm, no? Yeah, me neither. Maybe I should look into this ‘being a fairy’ thing.

Fairy Paradise

I’m pretty sure that 99.9% of the female True Blood audience is properly in love with Warlow by now. Especially after watching him pull a Prince Charming when rescuing Sookie’s drowning fairy butt:

    

That’s it. I’m done. Sorry, guys. I am very firmly on Team Warlow. Actually, I am Team Robert Kazinsky! Can’t decide what’s hotter – Robert Kazinsky rescuing fairy princess over here or Robert Kazinsky pummelling Kaiju ass in Pacific Rim.

You know, everyone gave Bella Swan a lot of shit for setting a bad example for young girls. Sookie Stackhouse makes Bella Swan look like Mother freakin’ Teresa.

Billith The Barely Functional

Can we just skip ahead to the part where Billith rescues vampire-kind already? He was made out to be all-powerful and shiz at the beginning of the season. So far, all he’s done is sit around weeping blood and kidnap a bunch of teenage fairy sluts.

I guess ripping off the Governor’s head is a step in the right direction.

Okayy, and him walking around in sunlight, impervious to bullets, mind-fucking guards and stuff. All that was pretty cool too.

   

Although, did he really just kill, and thus martyr, the one guy he could use for political gain? Nice one, dude. In the words of The Sister, BILL IS REALLY BAD AT BEING A VAMPIRE GOD.

Beeteedubs, Lillith’s downstairs wig was so bushy that you could see it straight through her dress. Was that really necessary, hair  department?

Camp Auschvamp

First off – THANK YOU FOR NOT KILLING ERIC AND PAM. I would like to renew my True Blood loyalty card. Pfft, Pam and Eric turning on each other? NEVAAARRR!!! Booyah, Newlins!

One question though – how did Pam get her hands on the eyeliner and lipstick? Is there a daily make-up ration at Camp Auschvamp? Or does Pam get special treatment because that schlubby pervert therapist has a thing for her?

This week, we discover that Sarah Newlin has clearly lost her marbles.

I guess having sex with a gay guy, an old guy, and then a vampire-lovin’ guy can have that effect on you. After trying to orchestrate the Eric-Pam Gladiator Showdown, she tries to get her revenge on Jason by making him sit through a ‘copulation study’ between a valiant vampire named James and our innocent baby vamp, Jess.

I know it was blatant emotional manipulation, but watching James steadfastly refuse to rape Jessica for their ‘research purposes’, even under pain of UV torture, really pulled at my delicate heartstrings. I know its an obvious allegory for highlighting ‘who the real monsters are’, but whatever. James was soppy dude, but I think Jessica needs some soppy sweetness right about now.

   

Seriously though, writers, can we please get James to come back for more episodes? I’m sensing a prison love-story here, folks.

Aw man, I really miss Jessica and Hoyt. Her and Jason Stackhouse just isn’t right. Although, kudos to Jason for using his noodle and talking his way into the LAVTF! Who would’ve thunk it. Jason Stackhouse, The Con Man.

Well, those racist fucks are also evil motherfuckers because contaminating the vampire food source with a bio-engineered virus is some malevolent Nazi shit. How is the rest of America so happy dandy with Louisiana on the brink of mass genocide? Seriously, Obama – don’t tell me the NSA doesn’t have hard-drives packed with files about Truman Burrell and his twisted vamp camp.

Oh yeah, and they killed off Nora (please, guys, of course she’s going to die). I guess that’s sad. For Eric.

    

Not to be insensitive, but I really do enjoy it when Eric tries to be human:

Can we just skip to the part where Billith tears apart the vamp camp Tru Blood facility with his bare hands already? (Or better yet, with his fancy new mind powers!)

R.I.P. Terry Bellefleur

Terry and Arlene were my favourite couple. Yes, even amongst the gamut of intense supernatural lovin’, Terry and Arlene – Tarlene (?) – were the true golden couple. Never mind that Terry had a gnarly case of PTSD that left him mentally debilitated fifty percent of the time. Never mind that Arlene is a divorcee single mother wrapped in a glossy layer of turquoise velour and white trash.

Their relationship was one founded on mutual trust and respect (unlike so many others on the show). After all, a couple that hides a murder together is one that stays together (not that I’m advocating homicide.) In the end, True Blood has lost its one and only proper love story.

We’ll miss you, Terry Bellefleur.

   

   

*Sniff* Can we all just remember happier times?

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Game of Thrones Recap (S03 E06): Tywin and Olenna duke it out

After weeks of mad awesomeness, there was very little in this episode that made us go ‘holy shitballs!’. This week’s episode is dedicated to setting up future story-lines. Its kinda, totally boring… Plus, the title of the episode, ‘The Climb’, just makes me think of that god-awful Miley Cyrus song.

I guess I can understand the virtue of having a slower paced episode to set up a biggie, but one thing is really bothering me:

WHERE IS KHALEESI!?

I need my weekly dose of dragon-lady.

Nevertheless, it gave me a scene that I’ve been waiting for all season: TYWIN vs. OLENNA – The Heavyweight Showdown. However, lets start with the Westerosi stragglers.

THE BREAKDOWN

Bran The Little Man

Bran is still crippled. Jojen is still creepy. Osha and Meera get snappy over how to skin rabbits.

One thing I thoroughly enjoy in Game of Thrones, though, is how sincerely badass a lot of the women are. Freaking hell – Crippled Bran, Baby Rickon, and Skinny Jojen (and even Retarded Hodor) are napping in their bedrolls while Meera and Osha do the hunting. These are some kickass women. Ygritte, Brienne, and our prodigal dragon-mother, Khaleesi, to name a few.

It makes sense too. While the men are off posturing and playing at war, the women are left behind to defend themselves from things worse than death. Thank you, George RR Martin, for trumpeting the strength of women.

Theon Gayjoy

Still strapped up. Still being tortured. (Seriously, what is going on? I don’t remember this bit in the book…)

His torturer loves playing mind games it seems. Are you in Deepwood Motte? Are you in Karhold? Na-nee-na-nee-boo-boo! I won’t tell you!

The Brotherhood Without Banners

Precious little Arya, trying to show off her weaponry skills again. Lols. How adorbs. She must have some kind of psychological disorder that makes her perceive herself as a hulking 6ft7 warrior. I just want to pat her on the head and say:

But, UGH, THE RED SKANK IS BACK. And she freaking takes Gendry! And Beric Dondarrion / Thoros of Myr trade him out for a couple bags of gold! How totally and completely uncool. Beric has fallen at least 5 notches on my cool-o-meter, whether or not he can light swords aflame with his blood.

The Handsome Twosome

Prince Charming looks a little less handsome now and a little more ex-army hobo. Brienne is in a PINK DRESS (haha!!). Roose Bolton betrays Robb Stark by letting Jaime go back to daddy in King’s Landing.

Is it mean for me to laugh at this crippled guy fail so hard at cutting up his dinner? I was laughing internally, if that helps. I’m a bad person… It’s cute how Brienne helps him cut up his dinner though. Like a wee baby boy.

The NOOORTH

Buh-BOOM!

We get a glimpse of Fat Sam trying to take care of Anorexic Cassie from Skins and her baby boy. Its sweet how hard he tries, especially seeing how incompetent he is at most things. I suspect that not being able to start a fire in Westeros is much like not being able to boil an egg on Earth. How embarrassing.

Then, we’re treated to Jon Snow and Ygritte climbing The Wall. Ygritte has a touching scene with Jon telling him that she’s his woman and that she will always care for him. Then she tells him that if he betrays her, she’ll cut off his wang and wear it as a necklace. Charming. She’s evolved from Overly Attached Girlfriend into Overly Insane Girlfriend:

Bitch be cray-cray.

Then, with that beautiful sentiment still swimming in his head, Jon Snow and the Northern crew get to climbing that behemoth of a wall. They climb, there’s an accident, that dickish Warg guy who’s played by that wooden-eyed moron from Pirates fo the Caribbean cuts the rope, letting Ygritte and Jon fall. Luckily, Jon is a crafty, crafty boy and catches onto a ledge before the rope is loosed. They get to the top, check out the view, and kiss like two horny high-schoolers at Make-Out Point.

I think this was meant to be the ‘exciting storyline’ this week. Ehh, I like Gwen The Downton Abbey Housemaid as much as the next person, but it left me cold. Haha, ‘cold’ – geddit?

The King in the North

So they’re selling off Edmure Tully to the Freys already. We’re at that point.

ROBB!! WHY DID YOU MARRY THAT VOLANTIS BIMBO!? WHY?! (It’s very Helen of Troy, how she’s screwing up an entire war for everyone. Only, she’s not half as beautiful as Diane Kruger.) Gawd, what a cock-up.

Everybody stay tuned for The Red Wedding.

King’s Landing

So this is where the actions at.

First off, HOLY SHIT GoT Joan is dead! Roz is dead! Well, she was outlasting her use. Oh, that’s actually pretty brutal of me to say. Joffrey is a nutjob. He is Patrick Bateman of Westeros with a crossbow instead of an axe.

Loras and Sansa have a lovely awkward chat. She’s clearly still under the impression that she will be married to him and live happily ever after in fairytale rose-land. Oh, Sansa. She’s another one I want to pat on the head, and say, “Oh, honey…” Were she more well-versed with the world, she would pin Loras for the flaming homosexual he is the minute he started talking about how much he liked green brocade and French sleeves. (Pardonnez-moi, writers, but WHY IS HE TALKING ABOUT ‘FRENCH’ SLEEVES? Are there French people in Westeros? I think NOT!) Loras is so obviously fabulous:

Alas, it has been decided that TYRION shall wed SANSA, and CERSEI shall produce baby flowers with the fabulous LORAS.

Tyrion and Cersei have a good sibling moment where they both reflect on the sordid demands of the Lannister legacy. They can see it destroying their lives. They see how ruthless their father is. Yet, they both do nothing to protect themselves or each other. Can you imagine how indestructible a team made up of Tyrion, Cersei, and Jaime would’ve been if they had worked together?

Great… we’re marrying children.

Alas! We arrive at the moment we’ve all been waiting for! The Grand Showdown between Lannister Lion, Lord Tywin of Casterly Rock, and Queen of Thorns, Lady Olenna Tyrell of Highgarden!

Watching them callously barter their children and grandchildren like chattel was, singularly, the awesomest thing ever. Despicable, yet thoroughly, unbeatably awesome. This is how dynasties are created:

HAHA, Lady Olenna calls Loras a “sword-swallower, through and through.” She seems so proud.

Admittedly, we have to say that humourless Tywin won that round. Lady Olenna more than holds her own though. She secedes with such grace and cheek.

“I am Khaleesi, and you will do as I say!”

Oh WHOOPS. There WAS no Khaleesi this episode, WAS THERE?

I have to say though, I really miss the Khal.

This makes me very, very sad.

I actually met (well, sat in the same room and breathed in the same air as)  Jason Momoa when he was down in Melbourne for ComicCon 2012. He is charmingly goofy, incredibly endearing (when he talks about his wife and kids especially), and about five kinds of sexy.

Oh, Khal – I’ll be your sun and your stars!

= = =

BONUS Zach Braff craving Khaleesi as much as I do:

Sadly, I don’t think it worked out:

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Game of Thrones Recap (S03 E05): Pickled babies

Yes, pickled-in-a-jar, preserved-in-fluid, BABIES:

Break glass in case of desperation and/or insanity.

Break glass in case of desperation and/or insanity.

THE BREAKDOWN

Dragonstone

Its pretty obvious why we’re starting here, with The Man Who Would Be King (were it not for The Red Skank). We find Stannis at Dragonstone, licking his wounds. Alas, we are introduced to  his much-neglected wife – Lady Selyse of House Florent.

Lady Selyse and Lysa Tully (breastfeeding lady) should become BFFs because within the space of about 5 mins, we find out she’s ten kinds of kookoo.

Firstly, when Stannis comes to her in repentance for sleeping with The Red Skank – he’s so so sorry that he has wronged her, he has shamed her etc etc. What does Lady Selyse say? “You’re doing God’s work. […] When [Red Skank] told me, I WEPT WITH JOY.” — Yup, she cried happy tears when she found out her husband was banging the help.

Secondly, Lady Selyse is crazy because PICKLED BABIES.

Look, Stanny! Look at how they've grown!

Look, Stanny! Look at how they’ve grown!

On the brightside, we get to meet Stannis’ only child, little Lady Shireen. She has greyscale on her face, so of course, everyone’s all ‘gross’ and ‘the shaaaame’. But she turns out to be a kind-hearted girl who happens to be the only likeable kid in Westeros. How sweet was it when she started to teach Davos (“Ser Onion Knight!”) to read? What a darling!

The Handsome Twosome

Ser Jaime Lannister & Lady Brienne Tarth shall henceforth be known as The Handsome Twosome, because, let’s face it, they’re both quite handsome (he’s Prince Charming after all). 

Okay, so I’m a total space case because I thought the guy who cleaved off Jaime’s hand was Roose Bolton. But, he’s not! We meet Roose Bolton! And he’s so much cooler! Hehe how embarrassing… they said he was a Bolton so I just assumed. But alas, all I did was make an ass out of you and me.

For those who have read the books, Jaime Lannister becomes a character we all can cherish. It seems that they’re starting the ‘We Believe In Jaime Lannister’ campaign in this episode. He’s always been a tragic hero of sorts. At first, all he was was ‘the poor little rich boy’. Now, we’re privy to the fact that Jaime is a man of un-mined depths. It’s good to finally see where the root of his nonchalance and callousness comes from. It is as it always will be – a coping mechanism for a less-than desired life.

Please give Nikolaj Coster-Waldau the courtesy of viewing this splendid scene:

The NOOORTH

Did you read it with the proper baritone? I want to hear the BOOM!

Whoo! Jon Snow and Ygritte get up to some hanky-panky! About time, Jon. He was starting to remind me of Edward Cullen and his century-long virginity. I knew it was coming, but was anyone as shocked as I was when Ygritte got completely buck-nekkid? OMGAH, Gwen! Cover up! One does not conduct one’s self this way at Downton Abbey!

Lady Sybil does not approve.

Sadly, no Mance Rayder this episode. Where are you, Caesar!?

Brotherhood without Banners

As excited as I was to see The Red Priest raise Beric Dondarrion from the dead, how cool was his FLAMING SWORD?! Did he use HIS BLOOD as FLINT? COOLNESS.

I might be coming round on Beric Dondarrion. He’s climbed up a notch on my cool-o-meter. Okay, maybe two notches.

Riverrun

It seems King Robb of the North is destined to repeat the mistakes of his father – the noble and inarguably stupid Ned Stark.

I admire his innate need to do what’s right and the courage he has in his convictions. It’s why I started crushing on him in the first place (and why I turned into a green rage-monster when he married that Volantis nobody). But at the same time, somebody needs to tell this boy to STOP LOSING THIS WAR WITH ONE POOR DECISION AFTER ANOTHER.

Okay, so Karstark murdered two Lannister boys. Its really freaking bad. I don’t know how I would’ve dealt with it (because I am not King in The North, sadly), but I’m pretty sure executing your distant relative, who also happens to have supplied you with half your army, is a terrifically DUMB MOVE. Its slightly hypocritical that all his mother got was a slap on the wrist, whereas Uncle Karstark got his head lopped off. Yeah, murder is significantly worse, but I’m sure there is a wide range of choices within the spectrum of mild scolding and taking off someone’s head with a broadsword.

I’m really NOT looking forward to The Red Wedding.

King’s Landing

Yess! I’ve wanted to see Lady Olenna Tyrell and Tyrion Lannister duke it out since the beginning! This week, we see them throw verbal bitch-slaps over the upcoming Royal Wedding. Tyrion is hopelessly, hilariously outgunned. She walks ALL OVER HIM. She really is the batty old bitch version of Tywin Lannister. I am seriously going to start shopping my pitch for GoT offshoot Tywin & Olenna: The Golden Years’ to all the major networks. HBO, you can have first dibs. You’re welcome.

Sorry, I can’t adequately summarise the awesomeness of Lady Olenna. Please watch the following as she unloads zinger after zinger on Tyrion (and poor Pod):

It’s a bad week for Tyrion, because not only does he get dominated by an old lady, he gets sold off into an arranged marriage by his daddy-kins to the adolescent Sansa Stark. Tywin and Olenna are tag-teaming already.

I can’t understand the obsession both Cersei and Tyrion have with gaining their father’s love and respect. This is a man who repeatedly shames them and berates them for all their failings. Never once does he acknowledge their accomplishments. Never once does he show them any inkling of love. Not only that, but he selfishly uses them to further his own agenda time and time again. Beware, Lannister cubs, that’s how you end up on a stripper pole.

(ps. Honestly though Cersei, it won’t be so bad being married to Loras. He won’t mind that you’re a brother-humper, and you won’t mind that he’s a glittery rainbow. It might actually work out well!)

“I am The Khaleesi, and you will do as I say.”

Week after week, I am being won over by Khaleesi. Once, she was a silly girl with a superiority complex because of a title she gained from her husband (“I am The Khaleesi, and you will do as I say!”). Then, she was an entitled girl with a superiority complex because of an inherited legacy (“I am Daenerys Stormborn, and I will take what is mine!”).

NOW, she is a self-possessed woman with cunning to match her charisma.

…and she has an army.

I would bow down to Khaleesi if she were on The Iron Throne. Wouldn’t you? Only if she insisted that they kept calling her Khaleesi though.

Her interaction with the new Unsullied leader, Grey Worm, choked me up a little. She is so inspiring. Screw being a princess – all the little girls will now want to grow up to ride dragons and massacre slave-traders!

(Sidenote: How beautiful does Valyrian sound? Its like a Germanic-Slavic-Spanish mix. So gorgeous.)

BONUS – Game of Thrones, if it were on The CW. Watch until the end for an excellent surprise pairing:

 

 

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