Tag Archives: Recap

True Blood Recap (S06 E06): Dangerwhore’s Fairy Paradise

Have any of you girls ever had shiny bright fairy-light emanate from your crotch when you orgasmed? Hmm, no? Yeah, me neither. Maybe I should look into this ‘being a fairy’ thing.

Fairy Paradise

I’m pretty sure that 99.9% of the female True Blood audience is properly in love with Warlow by now. Especially after watching him pull a Prince Charming when rescuing Sookie’s drowning fairy butt:

    

That’s it. I’m done. Sorry, guys. I am very firmly on Team Warlow. Actually, I am Team Robert Kazinsky! Can’t decide what’s hotter – Robert Kazinsky rescuing fairy princess over here or Robert Kazinsky pummelling Kaiju ass in Pacific Rim.

You know, everyone gave Bella Swan a lot of shit for setting a bad example for young girls. Sookie Stackhouse makes Bella Swan look like Mother freakin’ Teresa.

Billith The Barely Functional

Can we just skip ahead to the part where Billith rescues vampire-kind already? He was made out to be all-powerful and shiz at the beginning of the season. So far, all he’s done is sit around weeping blood and kidnap a bunch of teenage fairy sluts.

I guess ripping off the Governor’s head is a step in the right direction.

Okayy, and him walking around in sunlight, impervious to bullets, mind-fucking guards and stuff. All that was pretty cool too.

   

Although, did he really just kill, and thus martyr, the one guy he could use for political gain? Nice one, dude. In the words of The Sister, BILL IS REALLY BAD AT BEING A VAMPIRE GOD.

Beeteedubs, Lillith’s downstairs wig was so bushy that you could see it straight through her dress. Was that really necessary, hair  department?

Camp Auschvamp

First off – THANK YOU FOR NOT KILLING ERIC AND PAM. I would like to renew my True Blood loyalty card. Pfft, Pam and Eric turning on each other? NEVAAARRR!!! Booyah, Newlins!

One question though – how did Pam get her hands on the eyeliner and lipstick? Is there a daily make-up ration at Camp Auschvamp? Or does Pam get special treatment because that schlubby pervert therapist has a thing for her?

This week, we discover that Sarah Newlin has clearly lost her marbles.

I guess having sex with a gay guy, an old guy, and then a vampire-lovin’ guy can have that effect on you. After trying to orchestrate the Eric-Pam Gladiator Showdown, she tries to get her revenge on Jason by making him sit through a ‘copulation study’ between a valiant vampire named James and our innocent baby vamp, Jess.

I know it was blatant emotional manipulation, but watching James steadfastly refuse to rape Jessica for their ‘research purposes’, even under pain of UV torture, really pulled at my delicate heartstrings. I know its an obvious allegory for highlighting ‘who the real monsters are’, but whatever. James was soppy dude, but I think Jessica needs some soppy sweetness right about now.

   

Seriously though, writers, can we please get James to come back for more episodes? I’m sensing a prison love-story here, folks.

Aw man, I really miss Jessica and Hoyt. Her and Jason Stackhouse just isn’t right. Although, kudos to Jason for using his noodle and talking his way into the LAVTF! Who would’ve thunk it. Jason Stackhouse, The Con Man.

Well, those racist fucks are also evil motherfuckers because contaminating the vampire food source with a bio-engineered virus is some malevolent Nazi shit. How is the rest of America so happy dandy with Louisiana on the brink of mass genocide? Seriously, Obama – don’t tell me the NSA doesn’t have hard-drives packed with files about Truman Burrell and his twisted vamp camp.

Oh yeah, and they killed off Nora (please, guys, of course she’s going to die). I guess that’s sad. For Eric.

    

Not to be insensitive, but I really do enjoy it when Eric tries to be human:

Can we just skip to the part where Billith tears apart the vamp camp Tru Blood facility with his bare hands already? (Or better yet, with his fancy new mind powers!)

R.I.P. Terry Bellefleur

Terry and Arlene were my favourite couple. Yes, even amongst the gamut of intense supernatural lovin’, Terry and Arlene – Tarlene (?) – were the true golden couple. Never mind that Terry had a gnarly case of PTSD that left him mentally debilitated fifty percent of the time. Never mind that Arlene is a divorcee single mother wrapped in a glossy layer of turquoise velour and white trash.

Their relationship was one founded on mutual trust and respect (unlike so many others on the show). After all, a couple that hides a murder together is one that stays together (not that I’m advocating homicide.) In the end, True Blood has lost its one and only proper love story.

We’ll miss you, Terry Bellefleur.

   

   

*Sniff* Can we all just remember happier times?

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Monsters University Review: Mike & Sulley go greek

The last Pixar film I watched was Brave. That movie was a big wet fart. It was pretty abysmal.

I say that out of love, of course, because I hold Pixar to insanely high standards. Standards that they themselves have established. And you know what? All studios should strive to be what Pixar is. We should all stand in agreement that any movie being made needs to blow us out of the water in order to be considered remotely worth making. For crying out loud, the budgets for some of these films could feed the entirety of Haiti for a year. Lets do better than Oblivion, movie industry. Let’s do better than After Earth. Let’s definitely do better than freaking World War Z (seriously, how can Brad Pitt even call it World War Z? IT IS NOT WORLD WAR Z.)

I digress.

Anyway, what I’m trying to say is Pixar is like the Roger Federer of the movie industry. He  was always number one most consistent player. At his peak, you could go to a Federer game and watch him deliver time after time. And then, Roger Federer stumbled a little bit when Rafael Nadal got in the way (i.e. DISNEY). He tried adjusting his game, and as a result, lost a few tournaments (Brave and Cars 2 – CARS 2 – why the hell did they even make Cars 2?!)

This tennis metaphor isn’t really working out. In conclusion, Pixar has been shaky the last couple of years. I went into it not expecting all that much. But then, lo and behold, as I sat watching it unfold in the darkened theatre, Roger Federer delivered a pretty good game.

Monsters University tells the story of Mike Wazowski and James P Sullivan’s epic friendship. It focuses on widdle Mike Wazowski, who for all his life, dreamt of being a big bad scarer.

LOOK AT THAT CUTIE PATOOTIE

In a world where your entire self-worth is defined by your scaring-potential, Mike’s adorable little eye and adorable little frame set him at a significant disadvantage. Nevertheless, he buckled down, studied and studied, and got accepted into the prestigious Monsters University Scaring Programme.

Mike meets Sulley for the first time in the lecture hall, where the big blue oaf saunters in, cocksure and dismissive. James P. Sullivan is a legacy – people expect great things and he, at least on the surface, really delivers. He’s a naturally scary brute. However, over the course of the semester, his lazy arrogance leads to his own failure as he begins to be outstripped by the hard-working and studious Mike. Their competition comes to a head at their Semester Finals, where failure leads to automatic termination from the Scaring Programme.

Dean Hardscrabble, the ruthless Head of the Scaring Department, is unimpressed by Sully’s lack of commitment and Mike’s lack of general scariness which leads to her personally dismissing them both from the Scaring Programme.

Helen Mirren voices Hardscrabble. She really is the scariest dragon-lady. The clicking of her centipedal feet made my skin crawl and gave me heart palpitations. She’s Severus Snape in centipede-dragon hybrid-cross form.

The ultimate boggart in the wardrobe.

Devastated, Mike is determined to get back into the programme no matter what. He finds inspiration in MU’s annual Scare Games – a competition between the fraternities/sororities to prove who is the scariest monster of them all. Mike masterminds a very public wager with Hardscrabble for his place back in the Scaring Programme if he wins the Scare Games. Of course, he needs a frat team to do so which leads him to joining ultimate loser frat, Oozma Kappa, and reluctantly accepting Sulley as their final team member. If they win, Hardscrabble accepts the entire team into the Scaring Programme. If they lose, Mike and Sulley leave MU forever. (I can’t imagine any university dean pulling that shit in real life, but I suppose, the rules are different when you’re a dragon-winged insectoid nightmare.)

This is where it gets interesting. The Pixar team clearly put a lot of effort into crafting these hugely fun scenarios, integrating the best of their natural Pixarian storytelling genius with some creative Dreamworkian intertextuality. From here onward, it was a bit like that TV show, Greek, meets The House Bunny, except instead of hot Emma Stone in some ugly-girl spectacles, you have a bunch of awkward monster misfits. Folks, meet Oozma Kappa:

It took more than a push-up bra and some mascara to fix these weirdos. It was quite heart-warming seeing them band together as they tried to conquer the Scare Games. Anyway, shan’t spoil it, but it’s pretty frickin’ adorable.

Then of course, you have the rest of Greek Row:

The Jocks (a.k.a. the morons that use performance enhancers)

The Goths (a.k.a. the witch coven from The Craft)

The Southern Belles (a.k.a. Elle Woods and The Bitches in Pink)

And finally, the Slytherins to our Gryffindors (if Gryffindor was kinda loserish like Hufflepuff, that is):

The Privileged Legacies (a.k.a. the assholes that hang with people like the Winklevoss Twins)

Yeah, thats right – look closely at the Roar Omega Roar picture and you’ll see a special guest appearance by resident dickbag, Randall Boggs. Its kinda sad – Randall wasn’t always the Draco Malfoy of Monster World. You’ll see why if you GO WATCH THIS FILM.

While not as heart-warming or as thoughtful as Monsters, Inc, Monsters University is hugely entertaining and engaging. It explores the touching relationship that develops between misfit best friends, Mike and Sully, while shining spotlight on the oft-overlooked Mike Wazowski. He is the brains of bunch and its high time that he got a little credit.

VERDICT: Go watch it if you’re a passionate believer in a mighty good comeback! It ain’t ground-breaking, but its a super fun ride. If this is any indication of the future, I expect Pixar will be back on top very soon. Don’t let Disney stamp out your light, Pixar!

BONUS – check out the impossibly cool website that they’ve created for Monsters University. Its more comprehensive than my university’s website. Freaking hell, they even have a merch store! Who DOESN’T want a four-armed hoodie?! So when are they accepting applications? I’m looking for a good uni to go to after I matriculate from Hogwarts.

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Game of Thrones Recap (S03 E10): Wolf-headed Robb

I KNOW… The episode aired two weeks ago. What is wrong with me?!

I’ll tell you what – me watching the brutal slaughter of Robb Stark and his brethren was like an alcoholic going on a bender of Charlie-Sheen-like proportions, only to awake in a puddle of pills and puke. I needed to check into the George RR Martin Clinic for Recovering Viewers for a fortnightly stint. I’m faring better, folks, so here’s the jam:

THE BREAKDOWN

Our ever-noble, King of the North

Last week, I was all a-twitter, asking “Where’s wolf-head Robb? Are they going to show it?” I thought it would be so disappointing to miss out on this spectacularly gruesome detail from the novel. The opening of the episode served it up, nice and cold. Nothing was more infuriating and distressing than the sight of Grey Wind’s head however, skewered, out of Robb’s body. It made me want to crush skulls and eviscerate men. Smack that shit on a poster and you’ll have your martyr for the North. I guarantee it’d be more effective recruiting soldiers than Uncle Sam and his pointer finger. (E.g. just watch Arya stab the shit out of that guy who was bragging about sticking the wolf-head onto Robb)

A good deal more gruesome than I expected it to be. Its a testament to the Game of Thrones effects team that shit like this doesn’t throw me as much anymore. I feel like a proper Westerosi denizen – “Yeah, sure, I see mutilated king’s corpses all the time – no biggie. Adding that wolf head was an asshole move though.”

King’s Landing

Its sweet to see Sansa warming to Tyrion. Peter Dinklage truly embodies the decency and hopeful loneliness of a lifelong outcast. The two of them plotting to “sheep-shift” Desmond Crakehall is adorbs. You get the feeling that Sansa is the little girl, strolling with Mummy and Daddy in the gardens (Mummy being Tyrion’s whore-mistress and Daddy being her hubby, Tyrion).

When Varys tried to bribe Shae to go away though, its admirable that she chucked it in his face. It felt a little bit soap opera-esque though. I can’t get down with Shae, for some reason.

Isn’t Joffrey just the most annoying little prick? He’s like that kid at school who is a total cowardly douchebag, bullying the poor kids because his Daddy is richer than theirs. Can someone smack his smug face already? OH WAIT, Tyrion already did that. Let’s enjoy:

Epic LOLs. Too bad he can’t do that anymore. He’d probably get his hands chopped off and be forced to eat them or something nasty like that. Joffrey is a sicko. That whole “I want to serve Sansa Robb’s head”? WHERE DOES HE GET THIS STUFF? Cersei – what kind of XXX snuff films did you show him as a child?!

Anyway, that whole Small Council scene was SO MUCH YES!

God, there is SO MUCH AWESOME going on in this scene. Case in point:

“Monsters are dangerous and, just now, kings are dying like flies.” – WUH-WUUUT?!

“The King is tired. See him to his chambers.” – Run along now, widdle Joffrey-poo, before you get a proper spanking. My god, if I had Tywin Lannister as my gramps, I’d be pissing myself.

“Explain to me why it is more noble to slaughter 10,000 men in battle than a dozen at dinner.” – I’m totally down with that School of Tywin’s Art of War.

But, dayummm, Tywin. That man be COLD. Tyrion: “When have you ever done something […] solely for the benefit of the family?” / Tywin: “The day that you were born!”

THAT HAS GOT TO STING. I’m giving out free hugs, Tyrion. Come claim.

Bran, The Little Man

Blah, blah, the North is cold. Blah-de-blah, don’t kill a guest under your roof! Its bad ju-ju! Yes, be more obvious, HBO-GoT writer’s room. At least we have Walder Frey’s comeuppance to look forward to.

I actually thought it was pretty cool when Bran met up with Fat Sam and Gilly. It felt like cross-over fanfic! Can you imagine how sweet its going to be when Khaleesi gets her groove on with Jon Snow or something? EPIC.

The Traitorous Twosome: Walder & Roose

Whenever I say the name “Walder”, my brain automatically thinks “Balder Walder”. I HOPE THE REST OF YOUR HAIR FALLS OUT, YOU FILTHY TRAITOR!

Watching Balder Walder and Roose conspiring together, like they’re some epic martial geniuses, makes the bile rise in my throat. It’s clear to everyone but Walder Frey that no one respects him any more now than before. Just look at Roose’s patronising sneer. I hope Roose is stuck with that blithering idiot forever, like the Pinky to his Brain.

Balder Walder and Roose Bolton

Theon Gayjoy

So, I’m guessing Theon got a proper gelding. Ouch.

This made me giggle like a tween. Then, I immediately felt slightly disgusted with myself. Is it just me or does he kinda look like the dark-twisted doppelgänger of Samwise Gamgee?

That bastard Ramsay and Joffrey should get together. They’d be great mates, with their fondness for dismembering people and sending various body parts to their families’.

The Fleabottom Boys

Yay for hometown solidarity! Davos rescuing Gendry was all kinds of touching. I get these pangs of concern for Davos though. He’s acting very Ned Stark-y. I don’t want his head rolling around anytime soon.

This felt very crossover-fanfic to me as well. Its like that feeling you get when you meet someone from your hometown when you’re overseas. That massive “OMG, I DONT KNOW YOU BUT YOU MUST BE COOL BCUZ YOU’RE FROM HOME! LETS BE BFFS 4EVA (or, at least until the end of my trip)!”

Can I just reiterate how handsome Joe Dempsie now looks compared to his druggie-Chris from Skins days?

The NOOORTH

YEAAAAHHHH GURL, SHOOT THAT BASTARD DOWN!!! It took me a while to get on Team Ygritte, but I’ve never loved her more than this moment.

Okay, she’s a whole lot of cray-cray. Like, her and Taylor Swift could be best buds. What she did reminded me of Carrie Underwood’s ultimate ‘bitch-be-crazy!’ anthem. But nevertheless, Jon Snow was a bit of a dick-tool. He got in there, made her love him with all his lovey-talk, then he just rode off. TOOL.

“I am the Khaleesi, and you will do as I say!”

You mark my words, she is going to rule Westeros and the Eastern Kingdoms. LOOK AT HER, getting lifted up on people’s shoulder’s and shit. That is RELIGIOUS FANATICISM. She is the JESUS of Game of Thrones. She is MHYSA!!!

BONUS – Everyone has seen this on Buzzfeed, but it made me snort big-time into my lunch. This is Game of Throne’s, according to some random’s dad. ENJOY:

EXTRA BONUS – Shout out to Daniel Shpeizer for the kick up the arse. You post this stuff onto the Interwebs, hoping that it doesn’t get sucked up into the void of Internet-crap where pedos and lolcats reside. Thanks for letting me know that I’m not alone. All I can say is:

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Mad Men Recap (S06 E08): Kenny tapdances

Tap for us, Kenny.

This week’s episode is really surreal. “The Crash” sees our Mad cast colliding headfirst into illicit pharmaceuticals and poorly made decisions.

It starts off with Ken Cosgrove in the middle of a Yuppie PSA against drunk driving. When we get back to the headquarters of SCDPCGC, we see everyone on the verge of passing out from the strain of dealing with Chevy. Aside from Kenny performing like a sideshow monkey for the Chevy douches, we’ve got Cutler shooting everyone up on ‘vitamin stimulants’ and Stan slutting it up with dead-Gleeson’s daughter.

Don said it best – “Every time we get a car, this place turns into a whorehouse.” (And yes, I get it – the flashbacks to his adolescence at the pleasure house parallels this week’s environment at SCDPCGC)

El Douchebag – The one thing I really can’t stand is his flippant attitude towards his work. His colleagues tolerate his slothfulness and lack of commitment because of occasional strokes of brilliance. What utter bullshit. This is a man who is happy to reap the rewards handed to him off the compromises of others. However, the minute he is asked to dance to tune other than his own, he breaks team. I know his lone wolf shtick is what gets all your panties damp, but El Douchebag has never taken one for the team. This is definitely not a man I can get behind. (Just FYI, I was that person in group projects that ran the assignment with an iron fist – its all about perspective).

– 20 pts (for typing up some crap for Sylvia when everyone else was stressing about Chevy) – 40 pts (for being an absentee father) – 10 pts (for his puffy red drugface) – 20 pts (for bailing on Ted Chaough because Chevy wasn’t all it cracked up to be) = – 90 pts

Wahh! Stop hating on me!

Miss Peggy – OOooOOOooOoOohhhHHhhhhh! Miss Peggy and Stan gettin’ it on! Okay, they didn’t really get anything on. We’ve all felt the sparks since that episode where they’re both buck-nekkid in a hotel room working on some account. I feel the chemistry, although I applaud Miss Peggy for guiding their relationship back into the comfortable sibling territory that defines their rapport. Miss Peggy isn’t after Stan. She’s not even after Chaough. She’s just after something more than Abe. The sooner she admits that, the better.

20 pts (for having a great ass)

Stan – Oh Stan. You’re my favourite deadbeat beatnik.

10 pts (for playing William Tell and getting stabbed by a pencil) + 10 pts (for your rakish jock charm despite the grossness of sleeping with hippie Wendy Gleason) = 20 pts

Ted Chaough – It’s really touching to see how genuine he was in his comments about his deceased partner, Frank Gleason. I remember early in the fifth season (or was it the fourth?), they made him seem like the wannabe Don. He tried a little too hard to be considered suave. I believe that Ted Chaough is just as good as Don work-wise, and infinitely better than Don as a human being. If Don is your star striker who delivers big during important games, Ted Chaough is your reliable midfielder who consistently gets the job done well. Except the sheen of Don’s genius is a little duller in the bright of day as he proves to be nothing more than a shallow promise of occasional brilliance. Don is Fernando Torres to Chaough’s Steven Gerrard. (Yes, I support Liverpool FC.)

10 pts (condolence points, for Frank Gleason) + 20 pts (for giving me hope that not all Madison Avenue types are jerkwads) = 30 pts

Silver Fox – Two silver foxes matching their wits at checkers! Adorable. Is CGC just SCDP but less cool? Because, I swear, Jim Cutler is just the oily version of our loveable cad, Roger Sterling. They even have matching glasses! (But lets all agree that Roger is indisputably more debonair.)

10 pts (nice waistcoat) + 10 pts (nice spectacles) = 20 pts

Bonus 5 pts to Jim Cutler for sprinting up those stairs / racing Stan across the office. 

Pretty spry, for a white guy.

Skinny Bitch Betty – SHE’S BACK!! Oh how I’ve missed you, Skinny Bitch!! My days have been dark and sombre without your vapid Betty-isms! So the kids were “held hostage by an elderly negro woman who robbed [Don and Megan] blind”.  Of course, Betty’s natural reflex is to proclaim, “DO YOU KNOW THAT HENRY IS RUNNING FOR OFFICE?!”

I'm back, bitches.

I’m back, bitches.

10 pts (for her irreplaceable Betty-isms) + 30 pts (for marrying a stud of a husband) = 40 pts

Ken Cosgrove – He is a man who embodies the term ‘taking one for the team’.

50 pts (for the ‘It’s my job’ speech) + 10 pts (pity points, for your injuries) = 60 pts

WINNER: KEN COSGROVE

BONUS – Did you know Mad Men meangirl-ing is a thing? I didn’t?! I was delighted to discover this so I’ve compiled a compendium of my favourite Mad Men at their meangirly best. FYI – I can recite Mean Girls from start to finish. I am unashamed. (It’s Tina Fey-approved, after all.)

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