Tag Archives: S06E05

True Blood Recap (S06 E05): Camp Auschvamp

And the best title of the Season goes to…. “Fuck The Pain Away”!

Ironic, since there’s very little fucking going on. Especially considering that its True Blood that we’re watching.

The Fairy Princess

Why does everything dramatic have to happen to Sookie? Its like what Ron Weasley very astutely observed about Harry Potter’s misfortunes: “Why is it always you?”

Let’s summarise the ‘bombshells’ that we’ve gathered throughout this episode. (I resisted writing this recap for the longest time purely to annoy The Sister, as she kept scurrying around the apartment screaming about how many ‘bombshells’ were dropped this week and how I needed to watch it so I could geek out with her.)

1. Sookie is a Fairy Princess.

2. Warlow is her betrothed. Together, they are meant to save the fairy race. Or, create a new fairy-vamp hybrid race?

3. Sookie’s dad has a lot in common with Medea and her infanticidal ways. Basically, he reckons that dead child > vamp child.

4. Warlow killed Sookie’s parents to stop them from killing her.

5. Lafayette channels Sookie’s dad, who possesses his body and tries to kill Sookie again.

On the shit side – UGHH SOOKIE. Sookie is so annoying. Can’t all this exciting stuff happen to someone else? Anyone else? Not only must all the hot men fall in love with Sookie and her fairy vagina, but she has to be frickin’ Fairy Royalty as well? As if she doesn’t think she’s special enough.

On the plus side – Robert Kazinsky is a babe. It’s a bit fan-fiction-y for him to be her immortal knight in shining armour, fighting for her life and love through the centuries and dimensions, yada, yada. Nevertheless, I’m totally feeling it. It might have something to do with the fact that Rob Kazinsky is totally dreamy. (For more evidence, please see Rob Kazinsky in Pacific Rim as a sexy robot pilot.)

Billow (Warlith?)

Has anyone noticed how… uh… bushy Lillith’s lower department is? Is there someone on the True Blood crew specially assigned to wrangling her merkin? Like, “Hi, I’m Doris. I’m going to be your Pubic Wig Stylist today!” I get it, though. She’s, like, super old and European (?) so going au naturel is the only way to go. It’s just awkward because its so obvious that its a wig. You can see clearly the boundaries of the piece. Its like the True Blood hair department was over-budget and someone decided it was a smart idea to glue Bert from Sesame Street’s hair piece over her crotch instead.

Okay, sorry. I’ve just spent an uncomfortable amount of words discussing Lillith’s vagina-wig.

The only sexing we get in this episode is Lilith awkwardly raping a primitive Warlow (Rob Kazinsky with a bad wig of his own).

Yeah, Billith chomping down on Jesus-haired Warlow was kinda awkward. Chick Lillith was fully sexed up on Warlow. Now that Bill is Billith, there’s the whole homoerotic element playing out again.. Is is just me, or has anyone else noticed that Warlow is getting frisky with a lot of the True Blood men? I guess Sookie can only hook up with so many of them before we get bored.

To summarise, Billith can command Warlow as his maker because he has Lillith’s blood essence in him. He tries to command Warlow to help him save vampire kind. Warlow tells him to get fucked. 

Warlow is now one of my fave characters. 

Writers, please hear this – Billith sucks. Bring back Bill Compton!

Camp Auschvamp

Firstly, Anna Camp is THE BEST. If ever you need a self-righteous priss with a hidden crazy/bitch streak, she’s your girl. Case in point – Anna Camp as Caitlin in The Good Wife, as Bethany Van Nuys in Mad Men, as Vomiting Acappella Queen in Pitch Perfect, as Southern Belle-Bitch in The Help. She’s really carved a niche for herself. 

She’s fucked a gay guy. She’s fucked an old guy. Now, she’s fucked a vampire-lovin’ guy. She really has shitty luck with men. Oh wait, she’s a hateful bigot. Nvm. Let’s hope she comes across an actual vampire guy at some point. She deserves some comeuppance.

This episode, we are introduced to Vamp Camp. Its very Auschwitz meets Shawshank Redemption meets Girl, Interrupted in a shiny Hunger Games Capitol facility. Honestly, I think its the most creative the writer’s have been all season. We can only stomach so much of Sookie’s love dramas before we crave something a bit different.

The vampires picked up by the LAVTF are shipped to this facility where they become test subjects. It serves as a research facility as well as a holding prison for vamp kind in the South. 

The vampires are sorted into four tiers according to intelligence. The elite are studied in psychotherapy sessions while the rest undergo tests ranging from physical endurance to, uh, coital prowess. Meanwhile, the rest are detained in communal mess areas where everyone tries their darndest not to get Shawshanked.

After Pam gets caught, Eric and Tara turn themselves in. Jessica gets nabbed after running into Conservative nutjob Anna Camp at Jason’s. 

Eric proves to be a bad ass at retrieving rubber balls and shooting people. Pam gets psychoanalyzed by a pervy therapist who likes to watch her drink blood out of exotic Asian bloodbank, Som Chai. Jessica whimpers like a Baby Vamp to Tara (get it together, Jess). 

And then, the twisted vamp-hating bigots decide to get Gladiator on Eric and Pam.

Let me just make this clear – if Eric or Pam dies in the next episode, I REFUSE TO CONTINUE WATCHING.

Plea to the Writers: Notice how there is no mention about Werewolves or Shifters? On principle, I refuse to write about those of whom I care little. Do your TV show a favour on focus on the supernatural group people actually care about. RAH RAH VAMPIRES! (Okay, I guess you can write a little about Sookie so long as you promise that you’ll focus on Warlow and his shirtless scenes.)

 

 

 

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Mad Men Recap (S06 E05): MLK Jr dies

Is there anything more notable in domestic American politics of the 60s than the death of Martin Luther King Jr? Well, aside from the JFK assassination. The JFK episode was much better, I reckon.

The assassination of MLK rips open the sheltered bubble that our Madison Avenue bunch have blissfully created for themselves, exposing them to the civil rights turmoil roiling in the rest of society. That’s why we were getting so much of Dawn, the Black Secretary last week. The Mad Ave Crowd have no idea how to deal with it. For example, we get a hugely insensitive Harry Crane who harps on about losing money because of alterations to regular TV programming. All that goodwill I had for Harry last week – vanished in an instant.

Also, there’s a lot of awkward consoling of the ‘black folk’. Bobby Draper reaching out to the cinema sweeper. Peggy comforting her black secretary. Most awkward of all, Joan’s “we’re all so sorry” to Dawn? Okay… that’s the kind of naive ignorance I expect from Betty. The MLK thing is really screwing with the Mad Ave Crowd’s minds.

However, much like the JFK episode, the assassination of MLK similarly serves as a catalyst that spurs all characters to ponder their priorities. In the face of great human tragedy, all the Mad Men can think about is themselves.

Miss Peggy

Seeing Peggy stand in the centre of that apartment felt like a giant WIN for women. Okay, so the apartment wasn’t great. It was still the Upper East Side! Okay fine, it was basically falling off the UES into the sea. The point is, it was hugely satisfying watching that realtor cow stumble all over herself when she found out that PEGGY was the buyer and not Abe. Hurrah!

One day, all of this shall be MINE.

One day, all of this shall be MINE.

Turns out Abe is quite the modern man! Honestly, he kinda skeeves me out, but it was once again thoroughly satisfying to see a man completely un-intimidated and proud of his woman’s achievements. Abe is that guy. And he wants babies with her. Did you see her JOY? All I want is good things for Peggy!

Ohmigawd, bebehs!

Ohmigawd, bebehs!

40 pts (for buying her apartment, because that’s AWESOME) + 5 pts (for showing us her gleeful girl side) = 45 pts

Allen Ginsberg’s long lost cousin

I don’t really know what’s going on here with Michael. They probably just realised he still existed and they should do something with him. I imagine it went something like this:

Writer #1: “Oh hey! There’s that short Ginsberg kid. Its episode 5 and we haven’t done anything with him yet.”

Writer #2: “OH RIGHT! Let’s just stick him in some shitty blind date.”

Writer #1: “Gee whiz! What a great idea, pal!”

Writer #2: “Indeedio. Let’s reveal that he’s a lil ole virgin too. Hah!”

0 pts (lets face it, he did nothing this episode) + 1 pt (okay, pity point for still being a virgin) = 1 pt

Sideburns Campbell 

Despite his laundry list of flaws and insecurities, the one thing I have always admired in Pete is that he is a man of modern times. Well, that’s not really accurate because we’ve still got racists and bigots festering throughout the ass-cracks of society. But the point is, Pete is a man who believes in equality and dignity for all. One can do nothing but applaud when he delivered a verbal bitch-slap to Harry’s fat insensitive face.

"Don't worry, Harry. I'm sure you can make your money back on some movie-of-the-week next fall about the death of a great man."

“Don’t worry, Harry. I’m sure you can make your money back on some movie-of-the-week next fall about the death of a great man.”

He believes in respect, dignity, and equality for all. Just not for his wife, apparently. In all honesty, I believe Pete does the best he can. Its this crippling inferiority complex that he’s nursed all his life that has led him to his worst decisions. Of course, he likes to swing his dick around the office and with the lay-deez (or at least, he tries to). How else will he assure himself that he’s just as good as everyone else? Here’s some advice, Sideburns. You already have a number of good qualities. You have nothing to prove and no one to prove it to. Be the good man we know you want to be.

I savoured the small crumb of Brie that we got in this week’s episode (Brie = Alison Brie = Trudy Campbell. Geddit? So clever.) You can tell he loves her. She is his only match in life. Stand your ground, Trudy! Demand the respect you deserve!

20 pts (“ITS A SHAMEFUL, SHAMEFUL DAY!”) + 5 pts (for pleading with Trudy like the worm he knows he was) = 25 pts

Oh, Fat Betty, slam ba-lam

If we were playing ‘Snog, Shag, Marry’, the top of my Mad Men list for ‘Marry’ would be Henry Francis. Mr Perfect Husband has decided to run for senate! Huzzah! Exactly what Betty has been pushing for. But, did anyone else notice the look of sheer TERROR when he says that he’s excited for everyone to meet her? HAHA!

Oh shitballs, where are my laxatives?

Oh shitballs, where are my laxatives?

5 pts (for reminding us that she will always be superficial, vapid, Skinny Bitch Betty, no matter how chubby she gets)

El Douchebag Draper

The list of douchebaggery committed by El Douchebag this week:

1. Forgetting to pick up his children (whom he rarely sees)

2. Pawning off his children on Megan

3. Undermining their mother (regardless of how batshit Betty is, you shouldn’t do that)

4. Calling to find out about his married neighbour mistress while Megan is out taking care of his kiddums

5. Being a no good drunk that admits he never loved his children until maybe now

Mad Men has always managed to preserve a cold detachment to its characters. We see them without sentimentality – we seem them as they are. But this week, swelling orchestral music when Don admits his guilt over his lack of love for his children does little to win me over. In fact, I find it a little distasteful. Let me hate El Douchebag with all his flaws because he, of all the characters, deserves my loathing.

– Infinity pts (as usual)

WINNER: MISS PEGGY OLSON

BONUS reminder that Jon Hamm is NOT Don Draper (something I can’t be reminded of enough):

 

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