Tag Archives: Season 3

Suits Recap (S03 E01-02): Oh Captain Litt, My Captain

Louis is like that wannabe girl in high school that, no matter what she does, is still unpopular. Haven’t you realised by now Louis? The dynamic duo of Harvey + Mike will never be a triumvirate. You’re the Jenny Humphrey to their Blair and Serena. Strike out on your own Louis! I guarantee you there are other, more worthy people out there who would kill to join Team Litt.

That’s right, Louis. I want to be LITT UP.

Wooing for Team Litt

Louis Litt is my man. He’s come a long way from the vindictive, snivelling, two-faced coward in Season 1 and bloomed into the most sympathetic, eccentric, and well-developed character of Suits. His hairy behind has weaselled its way into my heart and established domicile. Poor Louis Litt was that kid that was bullied for being strange and socially-retarded in high school.

Who are we kidding? Pearson Hardman, now Pearson Darby, is high school with better clothes. Louis is still a Mathlete that loiters creepily around the drama club. Harvey is still the head jock / honour-roll student / bad boy prom king that snogs all the girls.

That’s why, when Nigel made an appearance, I was so thrilled. FINALLY, someone whose obsessive-compulsion and social-ineptitude matched the Litt level. But of course, after being betrayed so many times, Louis couldn’t recognise a true potential friend when he saw one. Its really quite sad. Not only did Nigel take his uni-balls and his bran bars, but taking the associates? That is LOW.

At least Louis got to experience his very own Dead Poets Society moment.

Bless Mike. All Louis wants is an ‘in’ with the cool kids. He just wants his own bro to romance.

Watching him and Louis tackle Eminent Domain this week was like watching the beginnings of a beautiful love story. The wining and dining. The steak. The cheesecake. The mud room – oh God, who could forget the glorious mud room.

  

Mike and Louis would’ve been a great team.

Mr & Mrs Specter

Alas, Louis could never stand in the way of true love. By that, of course, I mean Harvey Specter and his beleaguered bro-wife, Mike Ross.

As much as I want Mike and Louis to hook up, you can’t deny that Harvey and Mike are perfection. They are Ted & Marshall, they are Turk & J.D., they are Joey & Chandler, they are freaking Lucius Vorenus & Titus Pullo (“THIRTEENTH!!!!”). In sharply-tailored suits, of course.

That’s why it felt pretty frivolous watching Harvey and Donna meangirl Mike for two episodes.

They weren’t ever, ever, ever not going to get back together.

The Fungus Couple

Speaking of star-crossed lovers, I’ve never really been down with the Mike & Rachel connection. They were always kind of blah to me. It started off with him being all “ooh she’s so hot, she’s so feisty”, but then he got with Jenny. But he still flirted with Rachel. And then broke it off with Jenny. Started dating Rachel. But then broke it off with Rachel because he ‘couldn’t lie to her’. And she found out he’s a total fraud and liar. And she still takes him back?! Like, what up, Rachel? I thought you were a smart, empowered lady! He cheats and lies, but because he has innocent blue eyes and is supposedly well-endowed, its all totally peachy-keen?

(Haha, I just wanted an excuse to post that. Donna is mah guuurrrlll *snaps fingers while tossing hair around*.)

But whatever. I guess if writers are insisting that Mike & Rachel are the next Ross and Rachel (hoho Mike ROSS), then fine – I’ll get with the program.  I guess they’re kinda growing on me. Like a FUNGUS.

UGHHH FINE, I CONCEDE. That was pretty cute.

Don’t you hate it when Mommy and Daddy fight

While we’re evaluating couples, its so troubling when the ultimate power couple fights. By that, I mean Harvey and Jessica. Its like when Blair and Chuck fight – you can almost sense the looming apocalypse.

The world just ain’t right when they’re not scheming together. Let’s just acknowledge right now how the whole of Episode 2 was an allegory foreshadowing the potential double-crossing Harvey will be enacting on Jessica. I get it, she went behind his back. But don’t you think you’re being a little childish, Harvey? It was always her firm and if she needed a merger to survive, that’s her business. There’s a reason she can’t trust you, Harvey. You’re a loose cannon and now, you’re just proving her right with your recklessness and impulsiveness. Oh no, you didn’t get what you want. Boo frickin hoo. Let’s topple my patron and mentor because she put me in my place.

I love you Gabriel Macht, but you’re going to have to work really hard this season if you want me to keep supporting Team Harvey at the rate he’s going.

FYI – JESSICA PEARSON IS MY IDOL. This is my life plan: I shall be Jessica Pearson at 40, and Diane Lockhart at 50. I’ve clearly thought things through.

Jessica Pearson is one hot bitch with hella style, but wtf was she wearing in Episode 1? It was like she got cold and wrapped a dirty Ace bandage around her shoulders.

Game of Thrones suits up

You know who’s another hot bitch? Corporate Catelyn Stark. Whooo! You go, Michelle Fairley. Who knew Mrs Stark had such a rockin’ bod under all those furs.

You just know that Corporate Varys got her to hook-up. You know why Conleth Hill always plays a sneaky mofo? Because he does it with such charm and pizazz.

CONCLUSION: Can we stop the back-stabbing, guys? As we’ve just seen with Harvey and Mike, Jessica and Harvey will return to being the Brangelina of corporate law in no time. Let’s everyone go back to the status quo because any episode where anyone is scheming behind each others back is one wasted where they could’ve been awesomely taking down some slimy dickbag. Like Dominic. Ugh.

Silver lining? SUITS IS BACK! YAY!

Tagged , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , ,

Game of Thrones Recap (S03 E07): Bye bye, Yunkai

YESS!!! We have once again avoided The Red Wedding. Every week, I sit with baited breath, wondering if its that time yet. The time for my hatred of Talisa (aka Charlie Chaplin’s exotic granddaughter, Oona Chaplin) to grow exponentially. Alas, she has been spared another week.

This week, ‘The Bear and The Fair Maiden’, is largely a filler episode.The Westerosi wanderers are still meandering aimlessly across the countryside. The North is incredibly chatty. King’s Landing is also incredibly chatty. Khaleesi is still pretty awesome. Very little happens in terms of the plot. I guess, that’s a good thing. You just know that GoT is gearing up to kill more people.

THE BREAKDOWN

The NOOORTH

Jon and Ygritte are now over The Wall and are still having banter-y D&M’s (‘deep and meaningfuls’) about how “you are mine and I am yours”. We get it. You’re in a relationship. Ygritte needs to stop worrying – there aren’t that many lookers amongst the wildlings. You have pretty red hair and you gave him his first sex. Chill, he’s not going anywhere.

I wasn’t so hot on them in the beginning. She had this very lofty, put-on air about her. It was all “OH look how tough and awesome I am. I’m from the NOORTH.” And of course, she liked to remind him of this:

Now, they’re kinda cute. It must be refreshing for Jon meet someone who doesn’t faint at the sight of blood after growing up in the same castle as Sansa Stark. He always did have an affinity for Arya. Ygritte and Arya are pretty similar actually. Both like to talk tough, although, Ygritte is probably a bit more able to deliver. But, wait – is there some transferred psychology there? Oh creepy, Jon! Arya is your half-sister!

It’s also really cute how easily impressed Ygritte is. Girl, I’m pretty sure you’re the one that knows nothing:

Remember that guy that tried to cut them loose during that climbing accident on The Wall? Oh yeah, apparently now he has feelings for Ygritte. Dude, THAT’s how you show her that you like her? By trying to KILL her? Someone needs to spend less time in his bird’s brain and more time in Podrick Payne’s.

Bran, The Little Man

Blah, blah, blah, must track down the three-eyed raven. Blah, blah, blah.

Yeah, Osha, you tell him! Why DO you have to do all the work while they sit around and chat about their dreams? Wussy little lords. Puh.

Poor Osha. As an immigrant myself, I feel you, sista. That unbridled panic at being sent back to the place you escaped from. To quote Max Brooks, “you will never understand a refugee’s heart.” But then, we always knew she was a hard one. Burning down your home with your man in it – that’s some horrid stuff. Why are you so cruel, George RR Martin?!

The King in the North

King Robb has lots of sexy sex with Charlie Chaplin’s daughter. She’s now preggos. We get way too many shots of Chaplin child’s butt. Catelyn Stark looks on disapprovingly (not while they are having sex, mind you).

How many times do we have to go over how Talisa has essentially destroyed any chances of Robb winning the war? Listen to your momma, Robb, not your cock.

The Brotherhood without Banners

Arya is hitting that age when she’s less “cute and precocious” and more “whiny and annoying”. Look at her sit on that rock and whine about ‘not speaking to traitors’. And then going ahead and speaking to them anyway, like a snotty teenage girl. Actually, she kinda reminds me of 14 year old me.

She’s not the cleverest of the Starks, is she? Well, the Starks were never a clever lot, but today, Arya really takes the cake. Yes, I’ll just run off into the wilderness with no food or resources, away from these men who are bound to protect me. Let’s just sprint off into the darkness. I’m sure I’ll be better off. Tra-la-la! Oh no! Oh wait! AUUGHHH!! THE HOUND!

Moron.

Theon Not-so-gay-joy

I’m really starting to feel for him. I couldn’t actually sit through his segment without visibly cringeing and clutching onto The Boyfriend for moral support. Why the mind games?! Why!? Just kill him already! Not his cock! Noooo!!!

Poor Theon…

The Boyfriend actually made an incredibly astute observation. He thinks that the Boltons have Theon (I’ve read the books, but don’t remember this part. The Boyfriend has not read the books). He pointed out that the cross that Theon has been strung up on looks similar to the flayed man on the Bolton’s coat of arms. What was amazing was that this is how The Boyfriend picked up on it:

The Boyfriend: “Oh hey, that emblem thing on Roose Bolton’s vest kinda looks like Theon. Do the Boltons have him?!”

King’s Landing

Sansa is bitching to Margaery about her upcoming nuptials to Tyrion. Oh noes! I have to copulate with a dwarf! Sansa’s so sad she can’t have sword-swallower Loras! Meanwhile, Margaery is engaged to the whore-murderer.

Ugh, what a diddling fool. I’m glad Margaery is there to talk her through the whole sex thing, even if she did just admit that she’s slept around. A LOT.

Honey, we could tell by your wardrobe.

At the same time, Tyrion is bemoaning having to marry ‘The Stark Child’. Tyrion has some values, okay? And look at him trying to appease Shae. Ugh, whatever. She is ACTUALLY a gold-digger (as in trying to dig into the Lannister’s famous gold, geddit? Lols). How does he not see this?

Finally, we get a tasty morsel of Tywin Lannister. Alas, no Olenna this week, but we get to see Tywin patronize the bajesus out of Joffrey. Look at how he’s so diplomatic, yet every word is dripping with indulgence and condescension. When I grow up, I want to be Tywin Lannister (gold and all).

That was essentially a complicated version of “All right, precious child-king. [Pats him on the head] Off to bed with you.”

The Handsome Twosome

Jaime and Brienne have established one of the most complicated and touching relationships of the entire series. It’s gratifying to see how its grown from hostility to mutual respect and hesitant trust. Brienne, not Cersei, has made a man out of Jaime. I guess you could say the same of Jaime, making a woman out of Brienne. She’s able to be open and vulnerable around him. And for once, she is the damsel in distress, to be saved by the dashing Ser Jaime!

Well, okay, not so dashing. He’s a bit too hobo chic right now to be considered anything close to dashing. When he jumped into the arena, I literally screamed to The Boyfriend, “WHAT THE HELL DOES THE GIMP THINK HE’S GOING TO DO!?”

“I am the Khaleesi, and you will do as I say!”

Indeed. Khaleesi is on a hot streak. Qarth, then Astapor, and now Yunkai. Watch out, Yunkish peeps! The Valyrian Abe Lincoln is out for slaver blood!

Can we all just savor how she decimates this Yunkish dude? Ooooh! Look at how big her wee dragons are getting!

BONUS – Tywin Lannister looking fierce as hell in hooker boots. Can’t unsee? Well SCREW YOU, he’s still a bad ass.

Tagged , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , ,

Game of Thrones Recap (S03 E05): Pickled babies

Yes, pickled-in-a-jar, preserved-in-fluid, BABIES:

Break glass in case of desperation and/or insanity.

Break glass in case of desperation and/or insanity.

THE BREAKDOWN

Dragonstone

Its pretty obvious why we’re starting here, with The Man Who Would Be King (were it not for The Red Skank). We find Stannis at Dragonstone, licking his wounds. Alas, we are introduced to  his much-neglected wife – Lady Selyse of House Florent.

Lady Selyse and Lysa Tully (breastfeeding lady) should become BFFs because within the space of about 5 mins, we find out she’s ten kinds of kookoo.

Firstly, when Stannis comes to her in repentance for sleeping with The Red Skank – he’s so so sorry that he has wronged her, he has shamed her etc etc. What does Lady Selyse say? “You’re doing God’s work. […] When [Red Skank] told me, I WEPT WITH JOY.” — Yup, she cried happy tears when she found out her husband was banging the help.

Secondly, Lady Selyse is crazy because PICKLED BABIES.

Look, Stanny! Look at how they've grown!

Look, Stanny! Look at how they’ve grown!

On the brightside, we get to meet Stannis’ only child, little Lady Shireen. She has greyscale on her face, so of course, everyone’s all ‘gross’ and ‘the shaaaame’. But she turns out to be a kind-hearted girl who happens to be the only likeable kid in Westeros. How sweet was it when she started to teach Davos (“Ser Onion Knight!”) to read? What a darling!

The Handsome Twosome

Ser Jaime Lannister & Lady Brienne Tarth shall henceforth be known as The Handsome Twosome, because, let’s face it, they’re both quite handsome (he’s Prince Charming after all). 

Okay, so I’m a total space case because I thought the guy who cleaved off Jaime’s hand was Roose Bolton. But, he’s not! We meet Roose Bolton! And he’s so much cooler! Hehe how embarrassing… they said he was a Bolton so I just assumed. But alas, all I did was make an ass out of you and me.

For those who have read the books, Jaime Lannister becomes a character we all can cherish. It seems that they’re starting the ‘We Believe In Jaime Lannister’ campaign in this episode. He’s always been a tragic hero of sorts. At first, all he was was ‘the poor little rich boy’. Now, we’re privy to the fact that Jaime is a man of un-mined depths. It’s good to finally see where the root of his nonchalance and callousness comes from. It is as it always will be – a coping mechanism for a less-than desired life.

Please give Nikolaj Coster-Waldau the courtesy of viewing this splendid scene:

The NOOORTH

Did you read it with the proper baritone? I want to hear the BOOM!

Whoo! Jon Snow and Ygritte get up to some hanky-panky! About time, Jon. He was starting to remind me of Edward Cullen and his century-long virginity. I knew it was coming, but was anyone as shocked as I was when Ygritte got completely buck-nekkid? OMGAH, Gwen! Cover up! One does not conduct one’s self this way at Downton Abbey!

Lady Sybil does not approve.

Sadly, no Mance Rayder this episode. Where are you, Caesar!?

Brotherhood without Banners

As excited as I was to see The Red Priest raise Beric Dondarrion from the dead, how cool was his FLAMING SWORD?! Did he use HIS BLOOD as FLINT? COOLNESS.

I might be coming round on Beric Dondarrion. He’s climbed up a notch on my cool-o-meter. Okay, maybe two notches.

Riverrun

It seems King Robb of the North is destined to repeat the mistakes of his father – the noble and inarguably stupid Ned Stark.

I admire his innate need to do what’s right and the courage he has in his convictions. It’s why I started crushing on him in the first place (and why I turned into a green rage-monster when he married that Volantis nobody). But at the same time, somebody needs to tell this boy to STOP LOSING THIS WAR WITH ONE POOR DECISION AFTER ANOTHER.

Okay, so Karstark murdered two Lannister boys. Its really freaking bad. I don’t know how I would’ve dealt with it (because I am not King in The North, sadly), but I’m pretty sure executing your distant relative, who also happens to have supplied you with half your army, is a terrifically DUMB MOVE. Its slightly hypocritical that all his mother got was a slap on the wrist, whereas Uncle Karstark got his head lopped off. Yeah, murder is significantly worse, but I’m sure there is a wide range of choices within the spectrum of mild scolding and taking off someone’s head with a broadsword.

I’m really NOT looking forward to The Red Wedding.

King’s Landing

Yess! I’ve wanted to see Lady Olenna Tyrell and Tyrion Lannister duke it out since the beginning! This week, we see them throw verbal bitch-slaps over the upcoming Royal Wedding. Tyrion is hopelessly, hilariously outgunned. She walks ALL OVER HIM. She really is the batty old bitch version of Tywin Lannister. I am seriously going to start shopping my pitch for GoT offshoot Tywin & Olenna: The Golden Years’ to all the major networks. HBO, you can have first dibs. You’re welcome.

Sorry, I can’t adequately summarise the awesomeness of Lady Olenna. Please watch the following as she unloads zinger after zinger on Tyrion (and poor Pod):

It’s a bad week for Tyrion, because not only does he get dominated by an old lady, he gets sold off into an arranged marriage by his daddy-kins to the adolescent Sansa Stark. Tywin and Olenna are tag-teaming already.

I can’t understand the obsession both Cersei and Tyrion have with gaining their father’s love and respect. This is a man who repeatedly shames them and berates them for all their failings. Never once does he acknowledge their accomplishments. Never once does he show them any inkling of love. Not only that, but he selfishly uses them to further his own agenda time and time again. Beware, Lannister cubs, that’s how you end up on a stripper pole.

(ps. Honestly though Cersei, it won’t be so bad being married to Loras. He won’t mind that you’re a brother-humper, and you won’t mind that he’s a glittery rainbow. It might actually work out well!)

“I am The Khaleesi, and you will do as I say.”

Week after week, I am being won over by Khaleesi. Once, she was a silly girl with a superiority complex because of a title she gained from her husband (“I am The Khaleesi, and you will do as I say!”). Then, she was an entitled girl with a superiority complex because of an inherited legacy (“I am Daenerys Stormborn, and I will take what is mine!”).

NOW, she is a self-possessed woman with cunning to match her charisma.

…and she has an army.

I would bow down to Khaleesi if she were on The Iron Throne. Wouldn’t you? Only if she insisted that they kept calling her Khaleesi though.

Her interaction with the new Unsullied leader, Grey Worm, choked me up a little. She is so inspiring. Screw being a princess – all the little girls will now want to grow up to ride dragons and massacre slave-traders!

(Sidenote: How beautiful does Valyrian sound? Its like a Germanic-Slavic-Spanish mix. So gorgeous.)

BONUS – Game of Thrones, if it were on The CW. Watch until the end for an excellent surprise pairing:

 

 

Tagged , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , ,

Game of Thrones Recap (S03 E04): Valyrian is my mother tongue, b*tch

Did I call it, or did I call it? Khaleesi dropped some Valyrian and razed an entire freaking city. Slave Master dude from Astapor GOT BURNED by Khaleesi (bahaha!). Anyway, we’ll get to that later.

Dracarys, muthaf*cker

Dracarys, muthaf*cker

In this week’s episode, let us relish the delicious political potluck of King’s Landing, spiced with sprinklings of Westerosi refugees and a heaping scoop of ice cold murder up North. Oh yeah, and for the main course, a bloody massacre in Astapor – courtesy of our favourite hostess, Khaleesi of House Targaryen.

Lets skip along through all the random bits with our dirty smelly Westerosi travellers so we can get to the sumptuous parts of our GoT feast (I love saving all the fatty, oily, delicious stuff for last).

THE BREAKDOWN

Jaime / Brienne with Bolton’s Bastards

Oh, come on. Hanging the guy’s chopped off hand around his neck is just foul.

Nine kinds of nasty

Nine kinds of nasty

I vividly recall reading the parts in the book directly after Jaime’s hand was cut off. George RR Martin’s description of the smell of the rotting flesh, the pus oozing from his wrist, his head spinning with burning fever. With all that running through my head, coupled with the visual of Jaime writhing in the mud and horse piss – made me feel like I was watching Hannibal for a brief second. (Congrats on being somewhat relevant, Hannibal!)

It sucks to lose your hand, Jaime. But it also sucks to lose your life. Stop being such a whiny b*tch – “ohh I don’t want to live anymore” – and suck it up. You’re in GAME OF THRONES, man. Bad shit happens to everyone every day. NED STARK LOST HIS HEAD. Losing your hand seems pretty minor. So yeah, you tell him Brienne:

Brienne: “You sound like a bloody woman!”

I beg to differ. Jaime sounds like a whiny nobleman. I think we all know by now how tough the women in GoT are. Yourself included, Brienne.

Bran the  Little Man

Nothing much happens. Bran has a pathetic little dream where he falls off a tree. Yes, sad, sad, but that was three seasons ago. A little too 2000 and late.

Theon Gayjoy

What a MINDF*CK. So Servant Legolas basically just took him on a round trip just to mess with him? What was the point of that!?

Props to Alfie Allen for that touching moment: “My real father lost his head at King’s Landing. I made a choice, and I chose wrong.

As much as I want to hate Gayjoy, I just want to hand him over to a nice elderly foster mother like Evelyn from Four Brothers and have her straighten him out along with a bunch of other unruly delinquents.

Arya & The Brotherhood without Banners

We get an enticing glimpse into the underground cult that is the Brotherhood without Banners. We’ve already got The Red Priest, Thoros of Myr, and now we meet Beric Dondarrion.

Honestly, I’m slightly disappointed. Thoros of Myr, the Red Priest of Rhllor, was a merry fat blasphemer in King’s Landing who was thrown out and hardened into a true believer during his time with The Brotherhood. Beric Dondarrion was a dashing young knight whose gallantry led to his downfall in the pursuit of the Mountain, who found redemption and religion with the Brotherhood. So basically, they’re both meant to be freaking scary, and thus AWESOME.

Well, lets not rush to judgement, I suppose.

Thoros of Myr: Not fanatical enough

Beric Dondarrion: Not dashing enough

 The NOOORTH

Did you use the appropriate baritone when reading the title? Good.

Unfortunately, there were no funtimes with Julius Caesar (Mance Rayder) and his Merry Band of Misfits this week. Just disgruntled crows and a whole lot of murder at Craster’s Keep. How DARE Ugly Troll Guy stab His Lord Commander?! HOW DARE HE. Lord Commander should’ve / would’ve ripped him apart with his bare decrepit hands! I hope you get sliced to pieces by White Walkers, you foul turncoat!

R.I.P. Old Bear

King’s Landing

Oh there’s so many scrumptious snackadoodles to choose from!

Well, lets start with Varys’ chilling story about how his man jewels were cut off:

VARYS’ REVENGE – served ice cold and in a rickety crate.

There’s a lot of references to Varys’ genitalia in this episode. I guess you can’t request an audience with Grand Dame Tyrell and not expect a verbal smack down:

Grand Dame Tyrell is basically the female Tywin, non? Both are ruthless and intelligent. Both demand the respect of those around them. CAN YOU IMAGINE THEM MARRIED? Oh my god, that would make a great sitcom. ‘Tywin & Olenna: The Golden Years’.

Oh, Tywin Lannister. If there is one thing that redeems him, it is his knack for making you want to commit suicide by way of brutal honesty. How are his children even alive?

Tywin (to Cersei): “I don’t distrust you because you’re a woman. I distrust you because you’re not as smart as you think you are”

Ouch.

And on that note, Cersei is really losing touch with Joffrey. She lost control two seasons ago. Yet, Margaery – she’s masterful. You can expect as much from the lady who was also Anne Boleyn. Natalie Dormer is really carving a living out for herself by playing the manipulative partners of tyrannical kings.

“I am The Khaleesi, and you will do as I say!”

KHALEESI! I have a love-hate relationship with Khaleesi. She gets on my nerves, but yet I always come crawling back every time she does something cool. She’s like a little sister – she pisses me off, but I can’t help but be proud of her.

This episode, Khaleesi stole the whole she-bang. She was glorious.

I cannot put it into words, so enjoy and pay homage at the feet of Khaleesi:

KHALEESI WILL RULE WESTEROS. Just you wait, petty humans.

BONUS, TYWIN LANNISTER READING ’50 SHADES OF GREY’. If you were too lazy to watch any of the above, do yourself a favor and watch Charles Dance talk about ‘kinky f*ckery’:

UPDATE: Who do we need to bribe to get this into production –

I call House Targaryen. You can call me ‘Khaleesi’.

Tagged , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , ,

Game of Thrones Recap (S03 E03): Prince Charming loses a hand

OMFG – JAIME’S HAND. His HAND! His RIGHT hand! How can he slay kings without his hand?! Roose Bolton is one malevolent son of a bitch (and deliciously so).

“You’re nuffink wiv-out your daddy. Your daddy ain’t here. Never forget that…

… Here, this should help you remember!”

Beat. Prince Charming in shock. Cue screams. Ahh! AHHHHH!!!

HOLY SHITBALLS, MY HAND!

HOLY SHITBALLS, MY HAND!

The third episode in this monster of a season was… better. Again, a bit plodding but heaps of fun developments and quippy moments. This is why we love GoT – even the slow episodes are choc-full of posh political jibes. Observe:

THE BREAKDOWN

King Robb at Riverrun

The  episode opens with the river burial of Lord Hoster Tully, viking style. He’s set afloat down the river, all trussed up in his knightly best. Enter Edmure Tully, his son and brother to Catelyn (OMG ITS  BRUTUS! Pardon me, but I have an obsessive love of HBO’s Rome). He shoots a flaming arrow at the drifting boat. He misses. He shoots another. He misses. And another. He misses again. And THAT is our unceremonious introduction to the new lord of Riverrun.

God, I’m a really crap shot.

So Bumbling Brutus is shoved out of the way by his uncle, Brynden Tully, the Blackfish. He takes aim, looses his arrow, and struts off while tossing the bow into Brutus’ face. Cool guys don’t watch their arrows land – they shoot things up, then they walk away.

Next, we see King Robb berating his uncle (Edmure Tully) for being a MASSIVE MILITARY FAIL. Just like Brutus was in Season 2 of Rome. Am I spotting a pattern here? Poor Tobias Menzies – he always plays the biggest, dumbest losers. Blackfish takes this opportunity to laugh in Bumbling Brutus’ face again. (Poor, poor, Tobias Menzies)

Catelyn has a sweet moment with Blackfish. I know a lot of people find her annoying, but I feel incredible sorry for her. All her children are either presumed dead / missing / kidnapped / fighting bloody wars. Her dad just died. Her brother is a raging tool-bag. Her face is getting really wrinkly. Its basically a huge bummer to be Catelyn Stark right now.

And UGH, Talisa of Volantis. Just UGH. You are the ruin of Robb Stark. I don’t care how many people you wrap up in smelly bandages. I already hate you.

King’s Landing: Where all the fun is

How awesome was that Small Council musical chairs scene?! Tywin Lannister now sits at the head of the table – Hand of the King and De Facto ruler. You’ve got the three stooges: Littlefinger, The Eunuch, and Pervy Dumbledore. All three scramble for the best seats along the table, closest to Tywin. Of course, Littlefinger squeezes his way in first. Then, Cersei glides in and positions a chair at the right hand of Tywin, who smiles at her indulgently – which is cute in an evil ‘daddy’s little girl’ way. (I was wondering the whole time how she managed to carry a chair across the room without bumping it against her shin and bruising the shit out of herself). Then of course, Tyrion grabs a chair and drags it to the other end of the table with a satisfying ‘squeeeeeee’ as it scrapes against the floor. Oh Tyrion, you will always be our favourite little rebel.

Yes, you are correct. I am, indeed, awesome.

Yes, you are correct. I am, indeed, awesome.

Tyrion is now the Master of Coin! He trots over to Littlefinger’s whorehouse to get the books and some tips. Littlefinger is to become Lord of the Eyrie, by marrying Lysa Arryn née Tully (The Boyfriend: “Who’s that? Is that the nipple bitch?” / Me: “Umm, yes.”). Massive boob shot of Roz. Roz is like the GoT version of Joan Harris. But, less dignified.

POD’s ORGY! How hilarious was Tyrion’s little show and tell? For saving his life, Tyrion gifts to Pod a bevy of three exotic hookers. Apparently Pod is so excellent, they wouldn’t accept payment! Nooo, Pod? Chubby little Pod?

Bronn: “What’re you sayin’? They liked him so much they gave him the time fer free?”

Tyrion: “Sit down, Podrick. We’re going to need details. Copious details.”

Stannis & The Red Skank

Jesus, man, get it together! She is a GOLD DIGGER. She ain’t gon hang round when you’re a broke n*gga (figuratively speaking).

Arya’s Band of Misfits

…is now short one misfit! The scene where they leave Hot Pie behind was surprisingly touching (and kinda depressing, since he was essentially ‘payment for all the free meals’). He’s always been a big bowl of useless blubber, but he’s a butterball I’ve grown to like. And he bakes Little Arry and Gendry (aka Druggie Chris from Skins) a wolf-shaped cake thing! How adorbs.

Hot Pie: “Don’t get stabbed.”

Gendry: “Don’t… burn your fingers.”

Bye bye, Hot Pie.

Bye bye, Hot Pie.

Theon Gayjoy

The Boyfriend calls him that. Especially after that interlude with the potential butt rape. That would’ve been disturbing. Thank god it was interrupted by Servant Legolas.

The NOOORTH 

One must always say The NOOORTH with an imposing baritone. But sweet-baby funtimes, ITS JULIUS CAESAR! Mance Rayder, Schmance Schrayder – he shall forever be the elegant patrician, ruthless general, and Emperor of Rome.

Bow to me, peasants.

We stumble across a creepy-as-crack graveyard of mangled horse corpses, arranged in some kind of crop circle pattern. Where are the Crows? Have they joined the ranks of the White Walkers?

But alas, they’re alive! And back at Craster’s freaky incest hut. We hear the screams of a woman in labor. Its Anorexic Cassie from Skins. And she has a wee baby boy. Oh noooooooo’s!

Oh, wow… A baby boy… Lovely.

‘I am The Khaleesi, and you will do as I say!’

Khaleesi throws around her Khaleesi weight in this episode, yet again. She mostly just talks about whether or not to buy the Unsullied with her two fuddy duddy advisors, Ser Jorah Mormont and Ser Barristan Selmy:

Barristan: “Men died for him [Rhaegar], because they believed in him. […] Not because they’d been bought at a  slaver’s auction.”

Jorah: “Rhaegar fought valiantly. Rhaegar fought nobly.  Rhaegar died.”

BUH-BURN! So in the end, Khaleesi decides to buy the Unsullied from that foul-mouthed baldie. Never has a dual-language conversation been more delightfully disgusting. I think Khaleesi knows what is being said. Khaleesi will totally drop some language on him and totally blindside him one day (hopefully). Khaleesi hawks off one of her precious dragons for 8000 Unsullied. Please, like she’s not going to renege on that deal. On a sidenote, how distracting is Missandei’s cleavage? The Boyfriend was mesmerized.

The most gripping visual in the entire episode is the Walk of Punishment – a row of crucified and tortured slaves, strung up as examples of disobedience. Khaleesi tries to offer a slave a drink. He says, “let me die.” Missandei explains that there are “no masters in the grave.”

Missandei: “Valar Morghulis”

Khaleesi: “Yes, all men must die. But we are not men.”

OH NO, YOU ARE NOT, SISTA!

Let’s all just be honest. Khaleesi will end up Khaleesi-ing over all of Westeros.

Girl Power: Boobs McGee & Khaleesi

Girl Power: Boobs McGee & Khaleesi

Overall, a solid episode. We’re stylishly introduced to a couple new characters (as if the cast isn’t crowded enough). We get a few exciting developments. Most importantly, we get to see more of the GoT. Nevermind the crazy be-handing of our favourite Kingslayer, having front-row seats to things like the Walk of Punishment and Riverrun is why I tune in every week (and obsess over fan-blogs during the off-season). That, and watching who can come up with the most creative euphemisms for their insults / threats. The whole episode is rolling bonanza of people shouting “BURN” with really posh wordplay.

Hats off to David Benioff and D.B Weiss for keeping the episode high and tight. Not many showrunners can handle so many concurrent and starkly different storylines with such finesse, yet they continue to do so every week. Their casting directors also seem to have a weird fascination with casting people from HBO’s Rome and E4’s Skins. What will we get next? Zombie Tony Stonem as a White Walker?

 

I am so tired of the word Khaleesi. Here it is a few more times just to wear you out:

NO, PUBLIC. Her name is EMILIA.

Tagged , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , ,