Tag Archives: Season 6

True Blood Recap (S06 E07): Stockholder Syndrome

True Blood is giving me stockholder syndrome, I tell you. I know its being bad to me, but I can’t help getting attached every time it throws me a morsel of good.

Der Führer, Sarah Newlin 

AUGHHHH, Sarah Newlin! Don’t smooch up The Governor’s dismembered head!! Its just soo… unsanitary.

Seriously, though – Anna Camp and her crazy eyes make me want to either (a) run screaming into the hills for fear of bible-thumpers with pitchforks, or (b) worship at the altar of her batshitty-ness.

I can’t quite tell if her religious zeal is genuine or if she just uses it as a weapon to gain power. Probably a bit of both. It seems that her once pure beliefs were corrupted into running rampant with so-called ‘glorious purpose’. There is nothing scarier than a power-hungry zealot. Case in point, her mad-genius plan is to hide the Governor’s death so that she can be the sole mouthpiece of the vampire-extermination political machine. How twisted is that?

She is one scary bitch.

  

Danger Whore’s Post-Coital Proposal

Their post-coital cuddling session looks like Instagram swallowed it whole and spat it out with a ‘Hipsterize’ filter.

Oh Warlow, don’t go getting all girly on Sookie. One-time garden fairy sex does not guarantee an eternity of commitment. I know she’s your predestined fairy queen and all, but Robert Kazinsky – you can do better than Danger Whore. Leave her to her bloody orgastic Bon Temps circus and escape into another dimension before she drags you through her stinking pile of drama.

Mourning Terry Bellefleur

Whenever Carrie Preston deigns to grace True Blood with her electric performances, I’m reminded of why my love-hate relationship with True Blood frequently errs toward gleeful, guiltless love. She is such a joy to watch. She has that magic ability to make you feel devastated in one moment and then spin it into hilarity in the next. I love her even when she’s dissing Lafayette as a “voodoo queer”. MOARR ARLENE!!

Sex and Stockholder Syndrome at Camp Auschvamp

First off – HAH! I knew that our Vamp in Shining Armour, James, would be back for some Baby Vamp lovin’. Did I call it, or did I call it? Okay, to be fair, probably everyone ‘called it’. Regardless, I’m thoroughly satisfied to have our Vampire Knight back. I really like him and Jessica together – its all very ‘supernatural teen romance novel’. Given, he looks a bit too much like Taylor Hanson for me. Nevertheless, I’m sure he’ll MmmBop his way into Ms Hamby’s ‘heart’.

  

While Jessica gets all gooey over Vampire Knight, I think Jason is the unsung hero here. Did you see his face when she asked him for some “privacy”? You could practically see the gears in his brain grinding to keep up with the implications. Dear, sweet, Jason Stackhouse. He’s a bit like Hodor with a hot body. Sure, hes been misguided a few times during the series, but he’s grown into such a well-meaning and kind-hearted person. Jason Stackhouse is so adorbs, even if he’s a bit on the daft side.

Sex is certainly the currency of trade at Camp Auschvamp. I’m simultaneously impressed and reviled by Pam’s employment of her significant talents to manipulate the schlobby pervert therapist. Pam is so devious. I love her. Poor thing for having to resort to his gluggy, cholesterol-clogged blood though.

The Vampire Chronicles: Interview with Eric Northman

You know that sepia-toned flashback where we see Eric Northman all done up like The Vampire Lestat, encountering human Nora for the first time  back in plague-ridden England? This is what we needed last season to generate sympathy for Nora. Now, I freakin’ adore Nora. Was that your intention, writer-room? Make us love Nora before she disintegrates into a goopy pile of vampire innards? Dicks.

In all seriousness, the Eric-Nora story arc in this episode was surprisingly moving. All the credit must go to Alexander Skarsgard (and yes, Lucy Griffiths for her baleful blue doe-eyes). True Blood doesn’t really give him much else to do other than strike threatening poses and drop sarcastic one-liners. It must’ve been nice for him to stretch his legs dramatically. He’s been on the brink of breaking out for a few years now. I really hope some casting director watches this and decides to put him in a movie where he’s more than “the broody dangerous sexy guy”. He’s the son of Stellan frickin’ Skarsgard, people! That’s some fine acting thoroughbred genes he’s got there. I beseech you, Internet denizens – let him be associated with better roles than Edward Cullen 2.0 in Fifty Shades of Grey.

It was absolutely gut-wrenching to watch him to clutch desperately to Nora as she (literally) fell apart in his arms. Please let this mean that this cues psycho-Eric. I’d love to watch him get genocidal on those racist motherf*ckers.

  
  

CONCLUSION: What was that? I still don’t give a shit about werewolves and shifters? Oh, yes, that’s correct.

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True Blood Recap (S06 E05): Camp Auschvamp

And the best title of the Season goes to…. “Fuck The Pain Away”!

Ironic, since there’s very little fucking going on. Especially considering that its True Blood that we’re watching.

The Fairy Princess

Why does everything dramatic have to happen to Sookie? Its like what Ron Weasley very astutely observed about Harry Potter’s misfortunes: “Why is it always you?”

Let’s summarise the ‘bombshells’ that we’ve gathered throughout this episode. (I resisted writing this recap for the longest time purely to annoy The Sister, as she kept scurrying around the apartment screaming about how many ‘bombshells’ were dropped this week and how I needed to watch it so I could geek out with her.)

1. Sookie is a Fairy Princess.

2. Warlow is her betrothed. Together, they are meant to save the fairy race. Or, create a new fairy-vamp hybrid race?

3. Sookie’s dad has a lot in common with Medea and her infanticidal ways. Basically, he reckons that dead child > vamp child.

4. Warlow killed Sookie’s parents to stop them from killing her.

5. Lafayette channels Sookie’s dad, who possesses his body and tries to kill Sookie again.

On the shit side – UGHH SOOKIE. Sookie is so annoying. Can’t all this exciting stuff happen to someone else? Anyone else? Not only must all the hot men fall in love with Sookie and her fairy vagina, but she has to be frickin’ Fairy Royalty as well? As if she doesn’t think she’s special enough.

On the plus side – Robert Kazinsky is a babe. It’s a bit fan-fiction-y for him to be her immortal knight in shining armour, fighting for her life and love through the centuries and dimensions, yada, yada. Nevertheless, I’m totally feeling it. It might have something to do with the fact that Rob Kazinsky is totally dreamy. (For more evidence, please see Rob Kazinsky in Pacific Rim as a sexy robot pilot.)

Billow (Warlith?)

Has anyone noticed how… uh… bushy Lillith’s lower department is? Is there someone on the True Blood crew specially assigned to wrangling her merkin? Like, “Hi, I’m Doris. I’m going to be your Pubic Wig Stylist today!” I get it, though. She’s, like, super old and European (?) so going au naturel is the only way to go. It’s just awkward because its so obvious that its a wig. You can see clearly the boundaries of the piece. Its like the True Blood hair department was over-budget and someone decided it was a smart idea to glue Bert from Sesame Street’s hair piece over her crotch instead.

Okay, sorry. I’ve just spent an uncomfortable amount of words discussing Lillith’s vagina-wig.

The only sexing we get in this episode is Lilith awkwardly raping a primitive Warlow (Rob Kazinsky with a bad wig of his own).

Yeah, Billith chomping down on Jesus-haired Warlow was kinda awkward. Chick Lillith was fully sexed up on Warlow. Now that Bill is Billith, there’s the whole homoerotic element playing out again.. Is is just me, or has anyone else noticed that Warlow is getting frisky with a lot of the True Blood men? I guess Sookie can only hook up with so many of them before we get bored.

To summarise, Billith can command Warlow as his maker because he has Lillith’s blood essence in him. He tries to command Warlow to help him save vampire kind. Warlow tells him to get fucked. 

Warlow is now one of my fave characters. 

Writers, please hear this – Billith sucks. Bring back Bill Compton!

Camp Auschvamp

Firstly, Anna Camp is THE BEST. If ever you need a self-righteous priss with a hidden crazy/bitch streak, she’s your girl. Case in point – Anna Camp as Caitlin in The Good Wife, as Bethany Van Nuys in Mad Men, as Vomiting Acappella Queen in Pitch Perfect, as Southern Belle-Bitch in The Help. She’s really carved a niche for herself. 

She’s fucked a gay guy. She’s fucked an old guy. Now, she’s fucked a vampire-lovin’ guy. She really has shitty luck with men. Oh wait, she’s a hateful bigot. Nvm. Let’s hope she comes across an actual vampire guy at some point. She deserves some comeuppance.

This episode, we are introduced to Vamp Camp. Its very Auschwitz meets Shawshank Redemption meets Girl, Interrupted in a shiny Hunger Games Capitol facility. Honestly, I think its the most creative the writer’s have been all season. We can only stomach so much of Sookie’s love dramas before we crave something a bit different.

The vampires picked up by the LAVTF are shipped to this facility where they become test subjects. It serves as a research facility as well as a holding prison for vamp kind in the South. 

The vampires are sorted into four tiers according to intelligence. The elite are studied in psychotherapy sessions while the rest undergo tests ranging from physical endurance to, uh, coital prowess. Meanwhile, the rest are detained in communal mess areas where everyone tries their darndest not to get Shawshanked.

After Pam gets caught, Eric and Tara turn themselves in. Jessica gets nabbed after running into Conservative nutjob Anna Camp at Jason’s. 

Eric proves to be a bad ass at retrieving rubber balls and shooting people. Pam gets psychoanalyzed by a pervy therapist who likes to watch her drink blood out of exotic Asian bloodbank, Som Chai. Jessica whimpers like a Baby Vamp to Tara (get it together, Jess). 

And then, the twisted vamp-hating bigots decide to get Gladiator on Eric and Pam.

Let me just make this clear – if Eric or Pam dies in the next episode, I REFUSE TO CONTINUE WATCHING.

Plea to the Writers: Notice how there is no mention about Werewolves or Shifters? On principle, I refuse to write about those of whom I care little. Do your TV show a favour on focus on the supernatural group people actually care about. RAH RAH VAMPIRES! (Okay, I guess you can write a little about Sookie so long as you promise that you’ll focus on Warlow and his shirtless scenes.)

 

 

 

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True Blood Recap (S06 E03-E04): Supernatural stupidity

True Blood has turned into an elaborate Where’s Waldo picture book. Where the fuck, and who the fuck, is Warlow?

OHH RIGHT – BEN IS FREAKING WARLOW.

After a few seasons of seeing a gnarled face poking through the ether, I’m ashamed to say that I was totally caught off guard. A good-looking Warlow? Well, I’ll be damned! What a twist! (Despite the fact that practically everyone in True Blood is inhumanly beautiful – why would I ever expect Warlow to be as well?! No duh!)

The Warlow Saga

I may bitch and bitch about Sookie and her fairy vagina, but I’ll admit that I’m kinda hooked with this whole handsome Warlow thing. Okay, FINE. I’ll admit it!! Rob Kazinsky (aka. Ben/Warlow) is a total babe. I fought it because I knew that’s how the True Blood writers’ room operates – they introduce a hottie every season to shake things up in place of developing an actual coherent plotline. Well, its been working for five seasons, so why not a sixth? They picked a good one this season too. How can you resist it when he mugs it up, all earnest and kind and shit. I can smell the sex-starved-female-pheromones in the air – He’s not evil! He just wants to be luuurrrvved!! Plus, who knew shaving could be so homoerotic?

But yeah, moving along. Warlow, we find out, is a vampire-fairy hybrid. Supernatural TV shows are all about hybrids nowadays. Especially the villain/anti-hero hybrid. I just caught up with all four seasons of The Vampire Diaries and yup, RAMPANT with hybrids (FYI – Klaus is a smoking-hot hybrid). Its not sexy just to be one kind of supernatural being anymore. You have to be a slashie! (Much like the entertainment industry nowadays. Everyone has to be a actor-slash-director-slash-saviour of the known universe. Oh! Ben/Warlow is Angelina Jolie!)

Btw, is Sookie physically capable of keeping her damn clothes on? I’m pretty sure one is able to confront someone about their hybridism without first initiating couch-sex.

Oh yeah, so sad – no more Rutger Hauer as fairy grandfather. I was watching The Expendables for the first time the other day and it made me wonder why Rutger Hauer wasn’t there kicking ass alongside Dolph Lundgren. I’m not quite sure landing this True Blood gig instead is a triumph or a disappointment by comparison…

The Book of Billith

As it turns out, ingesting a sizeable volume of your progenitor’s stale millennia-old blood really fucks with your head. Symptoms include:

Pseudo-clairvoyant hallucinations, end-of-the-world syndrome, haemorrhaging from eye ducts…

…God complex, spontaneous combustion…

…and finally, the unexpected urge to kidnap teenage fairy-girls.

Bill sends Jessica to kidnap chubby Jap doctor who was the original creator of Tru Blood. Bill then send Jessica to kidnap the gullible fairy-girls. Bill uses his older-gentleman charm (which is kinda creepy given his fatherly vibes) to extract their blood for chubby Jap doctor to synthesise. Bill wants to create the ultimate vampire Gatorade (full of fairy-electrolytes!) for military use. Oh no! The blood breaks down too fast to synthesise! Chubby Jap doctor needs a constant supply of fairy-blood to study! Bill then leaves Jessica, the Baby Vamp, in a room, alone, with four walking balls of vampire-catnip. HOW COULD THIS PLAN GO WRONG?!

OOPS

Sheriff Bellefleur will not be pleased.

The Great Southern Apartheid

Eric, on the other hand, has another Master Plan. Not quite as technologically-advanced as the mass production of liquid vampire-steroids. No, he takes a more Avatar-like (i.e. the getting-someone-to-go-native) approach, albeit with just as much kidnapping. He’s getting jiggy with psychological warfare!

Eric’s plan involves: (a) kidnapping the daughter of the governor leading the anti-vampire charge in the South, (b) giving her major Stockholm Syndrome via his rock-hard abs and soulful eyes, and (c) sending his baby-vamp back to Daddy to convince him to stop hunting vampires. HOW COULD THIS PLAN GO WRONG?!

Oh yeah, Willa tries to chow down on Daddy, thus intensifying his hatred of vampires. Whoops.

Inducing Stockholm Syndrome in 2 Easy Steps:
Step 1, lock her in a coffin with you. Step 2, be a hot viking sex god.

Eric and Bill, The Viking Warrior and The Civil War Veteran, failing miserably at simple military strategy. Sun Tzu would be ashamed.

(Sidenote: Tara is still bitchy and annoying. Pam is still awesome. Tara gets Pam shot, thereby multiplying her bitchy/annoying factor.)

Wolves, Shifters, and other inconsequential folk

When did Alcide start acting like such a huge dick? It’s like, get naked a few times, eat a bit of wolfman flesh, put a leather jacket on him, and voila! – instant asshole! Plus, he’s gotten really high and mighty with the whole “I AM YOUR PACKMASTER” line. He’s said it so much he’s turning into Khaleesi (i.e. “I am your Khaleesi and you will do as I say!”).

Wolf-bitches! Wolf-bitches everywhere!

Also, NOT COOL SAM. Three day after your girlfriend dies, you start making out with some civil rights activist chick while your dead girlfriend’s daughter is in the next room? SO NOT COOL.

Conclusion: Vampirism compromises the ability to think strategically. Fairy-ism causes the inability to keep your clothes on. Lycanthropy enhances your inner douchebag. Shifter-ism convolutes any sense of moral decency. Have I left anything out?

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True Blood Recap (S06 E01-E02): The Genesis of Billith

Huzzah! My favourite Southern supernatural blood-orgy has returned! My summer is complete! (Well, its winter in Melbourne. True Blood keeps me toasty at night, thinking of the various shenanigans the writers’ are going to put Sookie’s fairy cooch through.)

However, did anyone in the blogosphere really feel the need to recap the premiere of True Blood Season 6? Thus, the combined post. We shan’t grant a whole blog post to a filler episode, shall we? Its the principle of the matter.

So where are we?

Let’s all just admit that Season 5 took a turn towards the outlandishly comical by the end of its run. Shall we recap it? Vampires partying Amsterdam-style while hopped-up on ancient blood. Andy Bellefleur’s baby-mama birthing their half-breed quadruplets on a pool table. Luna shifting into Steve Newlin on live TV (okay, that was moderately cool). That goddamn fairy night-club (really, writers?). And finally, BILLITH.

Alas, just like Jon Hamm, I can’t quit you, True Blood. No matter how silly you get, I shall stick by you. I relish every moment of its nonsensical ridiculousness (and that’s saying a lot considering the stupidity of Sookie’s moronic fairy-land plotline).

The Book of Billith

I love me some Bill Compton! He’s the sexy Southern gentleman with the voice of silk. You know your lady-parts get tingly when he says ‘Sookeh’. At the end of last season, Bill chugged down Lillith’s blood, melted like the Wicked Witch into a pool of red cornstarch syrup, and arose from the bloody primordial ooze as the new God of Vampires  – ALL HAIL BILLITH!

He goes on a massive murder spree while in the nude (as you do), and when he comes to, we see that its basically still just Bill. But with fancy powers. OooOOoOOooHhHhhhh, *powers*! Now everyone is geeking out, all “omgawd Bill is a mooonster! What shall we doo?” Take a chill pill, vampire dudes. Don’t get all Salem Witch Trials-hysterical because you don’t understand what you see.

You know what just totally grates on me? SOOKIE STABBING BILL IN THE BACK. LITERALLY. (Crazy bitch.)

For the first 4-5 seasons, we are treated to the epic ballad of Bill & Sookie’s love. Now, here comes along this Viking Sex God and Sookie is all “That’s not Bill anymore!!”? She is one flaky fairy. So what if he naked-murders a few vampire authority cronies? Okay, its kinda weird, but after all that you two have been through, maybe he might be worth the benefit of the doubt? And then by freaking Episode 2, she’s already vibe-ing with some random half-fairy dude? COME ON.

A relationship that I find thoroughly more satisfying is the tender familial bond blooming between Bill and Jessica. Just goes to show that family always trumps that silly notion of being ‘in love’. For crying out loud, she stuck by him when he had that massive psychological breakdown where he freaking wept blood and developed incredibly disturbing telekinetic blood-vacuuming powers. Tha’ shi’ be f***cked uuup.  I mean, how many daughters order bloodwhore take-out for their mentally deranged papas?

BabyVamp still loves you, Billith!

The Southern Vampire Apartheid 

Ugh the Governor guy makes me want to hurl. He is everything that is wrong with politics – people who leverage themselves into power by capitalising on a fear-mongering state of affairs. It utterly disgusts me. He is the bald, bespectacled Michele Bachmann of vampires. Take a cue for Bachmann and RETIRE.

Too bad Eric’s little sabotage mission didn’t quite work. It did give us this beautiful gem to treasure though: NERDY ERIC. Whoever didn’t burst out in bout of giddy giggles and wild clapping is lying.

I found it deeply fascinating and frighteningly realistic the weapons that the humans have manufactured to combat the “filthy vampers”. Glamour-proof contact lenses? Silver bullets that emit UV rays? I have to admit its pretty impressive. (It gives me confidence in our survival in the event of a zombie apocalypse. No seriously, I believe its going to happen and I’m well-prepared. I have perused all of Max Brooks‘ books.)

Speaking of UV-ray silver bullets, Tara is a big ole idiot that needs to keep that trap shut. Have you noticed how her incessant outbursts have repeatedly gotten her in deep, echoing shit? She’s like the black, Southern, adult version of Arya Stark – only less cute and a great deal less lucky. Tara is just so UGGHH. Case in point – she jumped on a freaking bar and got SHOT. Like, what the hell Tara, sit the f*ck down.

And this whole Pam/Tara lesbian-love situation? I am not a fan. Pam can do better. Even Nora would be a better choice (and I am NOT a fan of Nora’s.)

Speaking of Nora, they tried to set her up as this prodigy political genius last season. Eric repeated it enough times, but I’m not quite sure I believe it. So when Nora (aka. Bitch Sergeant) spends these two episodes constantly shooting out orders, I’m totally with Pam on this:

But back to the point Tara was making about Pam and Eric. He really does treat her like crap. Seeing how Jessica interacts with Bill though, I sorta get it. He is her maker and her first epic love. Her feelings towards him are fathoms more than romantic. It really cuts me when I see him treating her like shit. Especially when he treats her like shit for the sake of Sookie and her magical fairy vagina. I’m pretty sure this is akin to the psychology of domestic abuse, but she just can’t quit him.

Oh Pam, you don’t know just how much I want better things for you! YOU ARE A GODDESS. Don’t let the bastards grind you down.

The F*cking Fairies

F*CKING FAIRIES. (I refuse to spell it as “faery” because its stupid enough as it is.)

Worst. Plotline. Ever.

Sookie and her ballet of insipidity can be encapsulated in one line:

“Jason, I am your f*cking fairy grandfather.” (*DRY HEAVE*)

And seriously, Andy Bellefleur’s fairy-hybrid quadruplets that possess the growing abilities of that frickin’ Twilight baby? Just, NO.

Even Andy knows how freaking dumb this is.

Is this really the best way to employ Arlene, writers? Carrie Preston is a comedic genius and the best you can do for her are heehaw diaper jokes!? Criminal.

The Shifters/Wolves

I don’t care.

Who is this? I really can’t remember. Ugh, that gross wolfpack orgy. Cover up, Alcide (seriously, I never thought I’d say that).

God, those two gifs look like a clip from an angry, bestiality-fetish porno.

Sam is so boring. Emma is so boring. Thank god we have Lafayette to liven things up.

UGH, I JUST DON’T CARE

In Conclusion – Episode 2 was a lot better than Episode 1. If it were up to me, we would kill off all the wolves, the shifters, the fairies, and just focus on the vampires. Lafayette and Arlene can run Merlotte’s as a friendly neighbourhood vampire watering hole where all the vampires can come hobnob and jump sharks to the sounds of canned laughter a la Happy Days.

BONUS – If you don’t watch BabyVamp’s Vlog already, you freaking should. Jessica Hamby is so adorbs. (And this is the Tara I like – the sarcastic, flippant bitch that just dont give a damn. Leave the dramarama to Sookie.)

 

 

 

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Mad Men Recap (S06 E06): Pete falls down the stairs

I just need to get this out of the way:

Danggit, Don! I’m sho angwee wif you!

LOL –  poor Pete.

Anyway, back to the other stuff:

Is this the birth of SCPDCGC?

Anyway, Sterling Cooper Draper Pryce and Cutler Gleeson Chaough merged! And once again, Don has his clutches back into our favourite Miss Peggy.

It seems like Mad Men is doomed to repeating its greatest hits. Last week, we had the Martin Luther King Jr version of that great JFK Assassination episode. This week, we have the less-exciting version of that episode where they robbed Sterling Cooper and became a mouthful (“Sterling Cooper Draper Pryce, how may I help you?”)

Noted, it was a better episode than last week’s, but my laziness in posting this up has been a clear indication of my waning interest in Mad Men’s Season 6. Where everyone used to be a mystery wrapped in an enigma – after 5 excellent seasons, everyone has become an irritating roommate that I know all too well. In other words, OMG how predictable.

This episode, ‘For Immediate Release’, sees SCDP chasing after the illustrious Chevrolet account. Don ditches Jaguar because he’s too cool for Herb Rennet (okay, Herb is also a heinous pig – kinda fair). Everyone’s pissed when they find out because SCDP was in the midst of going public. CGC is also chasing the Chevy account. Roger makes some big moves to get SCDP in the running by schmoozing up a first-class flight attendant (OMG DANIELLE PANABAKER) into giving him the low down. Megan’s mom is back and being a delicious French bitch. Peggy is in a shitty apartment block where fecal matter is a common gift on one’s stairwell.

En garde:

El Douchebag – OF COURSE, this man is incapable of thinking about anyone but himself. Screw the people that love and support me, screw the company that made me rich – IMMA FIRE JAGUAR BECAUSE THAT FAT GUY IS DISGUSTING. Let’s just forget Joan’s immense sacrifice. Then, of course, being the lucky bastard he is, he lands in the right place and the right time to ride in like the prodigal son in gleaming white armour with the solution. Welcome back to being stuck in my shadow, Peggs!

I will wear this in my casket.

– 40 pts (for being a selfish asshole) – 50 pts (for dicking over Joan) – 20 pts (his smug puffy face when he announces his presence to Peggy) + 10 pts (for the apparent ingeniousness of the merger) = – 100 pts

Miss Peggy – She’s living in a yucky apartment. Her boyfriend looks like a hobo (which is probably what he smells like too). There’s a crack addict taking number 2’s on her stairwell. AND she’s KISSING UP her boss now.

All that sexual tension is messing with the TV.

All that sexual tension is messing with the TV.

5 pts (for telling Abe he’s not an electrician, just a moron) -10 (for not having the balls to lead the life she actually wants to lead, but settling for Hobo Abe) = – 5 pts (SHIT Peggs, you can do better than this)

Mr Silver Stallion – Roger Sterling, you cad! He seems a bit like George Clooney – treating the girls well, sending them on their way, and no one has a bad thing to say about him. Except in this case, he was fooling around with that Earth mother chick from Sky High…

Are we sure she’s legal, Roger?

Well, I guess Roger is still the perpetual man-child with his irrepressible boyish charm, so why not? Mega-plus, watching him schmooze that Chevy guy like a pro made me all giggly inside.

20 pts (for being a cuter Clooney) + 10 pts (interesting / questionable taste in women – i.e. Earth child) + 30 pts (for showing us how its done, Accounts-style) = 60 pts

Sideburns Campbell – Its a big week for Sideburns. At work, he finds out his company is going public and he has obviously been instrumental to SCDP’s growth. YAY, Pete! But then, Don dicks it all up. Pete takes a fantastic tumble.

I’m sorry – I had to see it again.

He’s left where he started – angry and humiliated. On the personal side of things, he finally thinks he has an in with Trudy. Alas, he acts like a spoiled child when he doesn’t get sexy times. To satiate himself, he goes to a ‘party house’ where he. very unfortunately, runs into his FATHER-IN-LAW leaving the room with the “biggest blackest prostitute you’ve ever seen”. Then of course, when Trudy’s dad takes Vick Chemical away, he goes and ruins everything out of spite. Mutually-assured destruction, indeed.

Can you hear the crickets, Pete?

Can you hear the crickets, Pete?

10 pts (for trying so hard – I feel bad for the guy) – 5 pts (for whining about no sex like a 4 year old) – 20 pts (spiteful ranting to Trudy about her dad’s big black prostitute) + 20 pts (for excellent physical comedy timing) = 5 pts

Joan – MRS HARRIS IS LETTING HER HAIR DOWN.

You saucy minx, you.

You saucy minx, you.

Here sits Joan, former secretary, turned Office Manager, turned Director of Agency Operations, turned ‘not silent’ partner at premier Madison Avenue advertising agency, SCDP. “Compliments to the chef”, indeed! Imagine Joan in the 21st Century. She would be unstoppable.

Then, of course, Don went and did what Don does. You go, Mrs Harris, for standing up to El Douchebag!

We're all corporate whores! Deal with it, Don!

We’re all corporate whores! Deal with it, Don!

20 pts (for being Joan, the immaculate beacon of efficiency) + 20 pts (for the grace it takes to maintain dignity in the face of whore-dom) = 40 pts

Ken Cosgrove – I love Ken. Where’s the wifey? God knows, I can’t remember her name either, Megan. She’ll always be Alex Mack to me.

Alex Mack grew up and found a good one.

5 pts (“That’s why I don’t worry about the bomb! Mutually-assured destruction!” – Ohh, Ken!) 

Trudy – Kick his ass to the kerb, hon. Good riddance.

"We're done, Peter! Get your things!"

“We’re done, Peter! Get your things!”

50 pts!

THE WINNER: Roger Sterling

Bonus – The Ultimate Don Draper Pitch. He’s El Douchebag, but a very talented El Douchebag:

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Mad Men Recap (S06 E05): MLK Jr dies

Is there anything more notable in domestic American politics of the 60s than the death of Martin Luther King Jr? Well, aside from the JFK assassination. The JFK episode was much better, I reckon.

The assassination of MLK rips open the sheltered bubble that our Madison Avenue bunch have blissfully created for themselves, exposing them to the civil rights turmoil roiling in the rest of society. That’s why we were getting so much of Dawn, the Black Secretary last week. The Mad Ave Crowd have no idea how to deal with it. For example, we get a hugely insensitive Harry Crane who harps on about losing money because of alterations to regular TV programming. All that goodwill I had for Harry last week – vanished in an instant.

Also, there’s a lot of awkward consoling of the ‘black folk’. Bobby Draper reaching out to the cinema sweeper. Peggy comforting her black secretary. Most awkward of all, Joan’s “we’re all so sorry” to Dawn? Okay… that’s the kind of naive ignorance I expect from Betty. The MLK thing is really screwing with the Mad Ave Crowd’s minds.

However, much like the JFK episode, the assassination of MLK similarly serves as a catalyst that spurs all characters to ponder their priorities. In the face of great human tragedy, all the Mad Men can think about is themselves.

Miss Peggy

Seeing Peggy stand in the centre of that apartment felt like a giant WIN for women. Okay, so the apartment wasn’t great. It was still the Upper East Side! Okay fine, it was basically falling off the UES into the sea. The point is, it was hugely satisfying watching that realtor cow stumble all over herself when she found out that PEGGY was the buyer and not Abe. Hurrah!

One day, all of this shall be MINE.

One day, all of this shall be MINE.

Turns out Abe is quite the modern man! Honestly, he kinda skeeves me out, but it was once again thoroughly satisfying to see a man completely un-intimidated and proud of his woman’s achievements. Abe is that guy. And he wants babies with her. Did you see her JOY? All I want is good things for Peggy!

Ohmigawd, bebehs!

Ohmigawd, bebehs!

40 pts (for buying her apartment, because that’s AWESOME) + 5 pts (for showing us her gleeful girl side) = 45 pts

Allen Ginsberg’s long lost cousin

I don’t really know what’s going on here with Michael. They probably just realised he still existed and they should do something with him. I imagine it went something like this:

Writer #1: “Oh hey! There’s that short Ginsberg kid. Its episode 5 and we haven’t done anything with him yet.”

Writer #2: “OH RIGHT! Let’s just stick him in some shitty blind date.”

Writer #1: “Gee whiz! What a great idea, pal!”

Writer #2: “Indeedio. Let’s reveal that he’s a lil ole virgin too. Hah!”

0 pts (lets face it, he did nothing this episode) + 1 pt (okay, pity point for still being a virgin) = 1 pt

Sideburns Campbell 

Despite his laundry list of flaws and insecurities, the one thing I have always admired in Pete is that he is a man of modern times. Well, that’s not really accurate because we’ve still got racists and bigots festering throughout the ass-cracks of society. But the point is, Pete is a man who believes in equality and dignity for all. One can do nothing but applaud when he delivered a verbal bitch-slap to Harry’s fat insensitive face.

"Don't worry, Harry. I'm sure you can make your money back on some movie-of-the-week next fall about the death of a great man."

“Don’t worry, Harry. I’m sure you can make your money back on some movie-of-the-week next fall about the death of a great man.”

He believes in respect, dignity, and equality for all. Just not for his wife, apparently. In all honesty, I believe Pete does the best he can. Its this crippling inferiority complex that he’s nursed all his life that has led him to his worst decisions. Of course, he likes to swing his dick around the office and with the lay-deez (or at least, he tries to). How else will he assure himself that he’s just as good as everyone else? Here’s some advice, Sideburns. You already have a number of good qualities. You have nothing to prove and no one to prove it to. Be the good man we know you want to be.

I savoured the small crumb of Brie that we got in this week’s episode (Brie = Alison Brie = Trudy Campbell. Geddit? So clever.) You can tell he loves her. She is his only match in life. Stand your ground, Trudy! Demand the respect you deserve!

20 pts (“ITS A SHAMEFUL, SHAMEFUL DAY!”) + 5 pts (for pleading with Trudy like the worm he knows he was) = 25 pts

Oh, Fat Betty, slam ba-lam

If we were playing ‘Snog, Shag, Marry’, the top of my Mad Men list for ‘Marry’ would be Henry Francis. Mr Perfect Husband has decided to run for senate! Huzzah! Exactly what Betty has been pushing for. But, did anyone else notice the look of sheer TERROR when he says that he’s excited for everyone to meet her? HAHA!

Oh shitballs, where are my laxatives?

Oh shitballs, where are my laxatives?

5 pts (for reminding us that she will always be superficial, vapid, Skinny Bitch Betty, no matter how chubby she gets)

El Douchebag Draper

The list of douchebaggery committed by El Douchebag this week:

1. Forgetting to pick up his children (whom he rarely sees)

2. Pawning off his children on Megan

3. Undermining their mother (regardless of how batshit Betty is, you shouldn’t do that)

4. Calling to find out about his married neighbour mistress while Megan is out taking care of his kiddums

5. Being a no good drunk that admits he never loved his children until maybe now

Mad Men has always managed to preserve a cold detachment to its characters. We see them without sentimentality – we seem them as they are. But this week, swelling orchestral music when Don admits his guilt over his lack of love for his children does little to win me over. In fact, I find it a little distasteful. Let me hate El Douchebag with all his flaws because he, of all the characters, deserves my loathing.

– Infinity pts (as usual)

WINNER: MISS PEGGY OLSON

BONUS reminder that Jon Hamm is NOT Don Draper (something I can’t be reminded of enough):

 

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