Game of Thrones Recap (S03 E08): Of penises and political partnerships

Is it just me, or does the grossest things happen when Stannis is around?

This week, its Melisandre and her bowl of leeches – one of which, she sticks on Gendry’s wang. I’m not a guy, but dude, I sympathise. Chris on Skins has done some nasty stuff, but I think this definitely takes the cake.

Definitely not as bad as as penis leeches.

On this week’s episode of GoT, ‘Second Sons’, we are treated to rampant political manoeuvrings on both sides of the Narrow Sea. This episode is dominated by the devilish machinations of our delightfully amoral cast of characters. We get a depressing wedding, some penis-leech sorcery, a bit of White Walker action, and a very naked Dany.

THE BREAKDOWN

Annoying Arya & The Hound

So she tries to kill him with a rock. Like an idiot. Of course, The Hound is awake – you can’t be a fearsome warrior if you sleep through breakfast and various assassination plots. He tells her, “I’ll give you one try, girl. Kill me, and you’re free. But, if I live, I’ll break both your hands.” That’s basically his way of patting her on the head and saying, “Aww little Arry, go on. Give it a go.” She needs to have way more adults being condescending to her. Stop talking tough if you’re four foot nothing with Justin Bieber’s musculature.

The NOOORTH

Oh boo! No Jon and Ygritte, raunching it up underneath the furs. We just get the grubby couple with the fat baby (I mean the actual baby, even though Sam fits the description as well).  Alas, another White Walker! Look at Sam, wielding the sword, frontin’ like he’s Aragorn or sumthin’. Looks like impressing a girl is really the number one male motivator for doing brave / stupid things. Luckily, he had that obsidian spearhead! Oh wait, what? He dropped it and DIDNT pick it up before he ran off?! Despite the fact that the White Walker freaking SHATTERED INTO A MILLION PIECES and they weren’t in any immediate danger?! Sure, lets just NOT pick up the one thing that can kill these supernatural sons’a’bitches. Nice move, Sam.

Dragonstone

Ugh she really is The Red Skank. Why the mind games?! Just kill him, if you mean to kill him! I can’t stand it! Last week we had Theon getting slutted with before his (possible) gelding. Now we get Gendry bumping uglies with Melisandre before she puts LEECHES ON HIS WANG. Freaking LEECHES. Why is everything in Dragonstone so gross? If this were a cheesy horror flick, Stannis would be that creepy guy who lives in the middle of nowhere in a rundown manor filled with perverse horrors, like pickled babies, scale-face children, wax corpses, and penises with leeches on it. In that film, Red Skank would be his a demonic succubus that he calls forth from a leather-bound grimoire to rape unsuspecting boys and take care of his nursery of shadow babies. On a sidenote, Gendry is AB-TASTIC. Go, Chris!

Just some light bondage and leech-play

King’s Landing

Finally, a royal wedding. Its not quite as glamourous as I’m sure the Joffrey-Margaery one will be. Nevertheless, we get some serious dress porn. How DIVINE was the fabric of Sansa Stark’s wedding dress?! I wish they’d done something different with her hair though – it looked like they looped a baguette over her head. And phwoar, Tyrion does look handsome, indeed! That scar becomes him.

First off, JOFFREY IS A DICK. Taking that step-stool away to embarrass Tyrion? Petty adolescent dumb-jock dick move. That kid is such an evil little pimple. I just want to stab him in his sneery face. (Applause to Jack Gleeson for throwing himself shamelessly into being a nasty wee asshole – something his career may never recover from, I fear). But then, let’s all watch Tyrion deliver a heavy verbal bitchslap across the face of this despicable asshat:

For those who are unclear, the bedding ceremony is one where men seize the bride (and women seize the groom) and strip them of their clothes before they are delivered to a bed. A bit of embarrassing fun when you’re with friends and family. Sexual harassment and humiliation at the hands of demon-doucheface, Joffrey.

For extra emphasis.

The Boyfriend has this to say about this douche-canoe: “Logically, you would think that anyone would realize that the probability of people wanting to kill you for your throne would increase dramatically in direct correlation to how big of a douchebag you are.” Well, I can say this: the fun thing about Joffrey is that he offers us Internet denizens a platform for ever-more creative insults. Even Google Auto-Complete is in on it. Type in “Joffrey is a…” and we get “douche”, “monster”, “prick”, “sadist”…etc.

Okay, moving on from Joffrey’s douchebaggery. Tyrion is really the noblest, most gentle husband you could ever have.  I would happily marry Tyrion. He has always treated all his women with utmost respect and kindness. Sansa is a fool. What if you never want him in your bed? Well, then Sansa,  you’ll never get with child and you’ll be even more useless than you are now. Its a brutal world, doll. Get it together.

The Boyfriend was really panicky throughout this whole bit because he thought that evil pig Joffrey was actually going to burst in and make good on raping Sansa. Besides all the drama involving disgusting Joffrey, we get a fun little despicable Cersei moment. It really feels like she’s spiraling out of control. She should take a cue from Margaery and play it a bit closer to the chest. Cersei really has a big ego. Now that she’s not top dog, she’s lashing out stupidly on dangerous people. OMG, she totally should’ve been born a man.

No discussion of King’s Landing is ever complete without any mention of Grand Dame Olenna:

Sucks to be a Lannister. Sucks to be a Tyrell. It really sucks to be a Stark. I’d much rather go explore what’s happening on the other side of The Narrow Sea.

“I am The Khaleesi, and you will do as I say!”

Look at her schmoozing her ‘guests’ like a pro. Even First Lady Jackie Kennedy couldn’t do any better. Khaleesi knows what she wants and she’ll do whatever necessary to get it. Even graciously tolerate some potty mouth. That’s her greatest strength – having people underestimate her and playing to their pride. After all, nobody wants to lose to a little blonde girl.

Can we really picture Ser Barristan throwing down with Mero? I mean, he looks pretty haggard and old now. I don’t know – I want to believe in the legend of Barristan Selmy.

More importantly, is this how we picture Daario Naharis? In the book, he’s described as blue-haired with a trident beard. I guess this take is better. He’s meant to fearsome and graceful at the same time. I imagine blue hair / trident beard could make him seem a bit too much like an effeminate Khal Drogo at Mad Hatter’s Party. Anyway, he’s known to me as GIRLFACE, since he’s just so so pretty!

There’s that scene where Khaleesi is nude and The Second Sons pledge their loyalty to her, but I’m a prude so here’s the clip sans Khaleesi-nakedness:

BONUS – I really worry about Jack Gleeson’s future career as an actor. Everywhere he goes, he’ll just be known as “that asshole kid from Game of Thrones”. However, it seems like he might not even pursue a career in acting, opting instead to be an academic! He’s a man after my own heart. Just in case he does want to continue acting, I intend to proliferate as many of these videos of Jack Gleeson being an intelligent, articulate young man as possible in order to combat any preconceptions of him being anything at all like King Dick-tard, Joffrey Baratheon.

 

 

Game of Thrones Recap (S03 E07): Bye bye, Yunkai

YESS!!! We have once again avoided The Red Wedding. Every week, I sit with baited breath, wondering if its that time yet. The time for my hatred of Talisa (aka Charlie Chaplin’s exotic granddaughter, Oona Chaplin) to grow exponentially. Alas, she has been spared another week.

This week, ‘The Bear and The Fair Maiden’, is largely a filler episode.The Westerosi wanderers are still meandering aimlessly across the countryside. The North is incredibly chatty. King’s Landing is also incredibly chatty. Khaleesi is still pretty awesome. Very little happens in terms of the plot. I guess, that’s a good thing. You just know that GoT is gearing up to kill more people.

THE BREAKDOWN

The NOOORTH

Jon and Ygritte are now over The Wall and are still having banter-y D&M’s (‘deep and meaningfuls’) about how “you are mine and I am yours”. We get it. You’re in a relationship. Ygritte needs to stop worrying – there aren’t that many lookers amongst the wildlings. You have pretty red hair and you gave him his first sex. Chill, he’s not going anywhere.

I wasn’t so hot on them in the beginning. She had this very lofty, put-on air about her. It was all “OH look how tough and awesome I am. I’m from the NOORTH.” And of course, she liked to remind him of this:

Now, they’re kinda cute. It must be refreshing for Jon meet someone who doesn’t faint at the sight of blood after growing up in the same castle as Sansa Stark. He always did have an affinity for Arya. Ygritte and Arya are pretty similar actually. Both like to talk tough, although, Ygritte is probably a bit more able to deliver. But, wait – is there some transferred psychology there? Oh creepy, Jon! Arya is your half-sister!

It’s also really cute how easily impressed Ygritte is. Girl, I’m pretty sure you’re the one that knows nothing:

Remember that guy that tried to cut them loose during that climbing accident on The Wall? Oh yeah, apparently now he has feelings for Ygritte. Dude, THAT’s how you show her that you like her? By trying to KILL her? Someone needs to spend less time in his bird’s brain and more time in Podrick Payne’s.

Bran, The Little Man

Blah, blah, blah, must track down the three-eyed raven. Blah, blah, blah.

Yeah, Osha, you tell him! Why DO you have to do all the work while they sit around and chat about their dreams? Wussy little lords. Puh.

Poor Osha. As an immigrant myself, I feel you, sista. That unbridled panic at being sent back to the place you escaped from. To quote Max Brooks, “you will never understand a refugee’s heart.” But then, we always knew she was a hard one. Burning down your home with your man in it – that’s some horrid stuff. Why are you so cruel, George RR Martin?!

The King in the North

King Robb has lots of sexy sex with Charlie Chaplin’s daughter. She’s now preggos. We get way too many shots of Chaplin child’s butt. Catelyn Stark looks on disapprovingly (not while they are having sex, mind you).

How many times do we have to go over how Talisa has essentially destroyed any chances of Robb winning the war? Listen to your momma, Robb, not your cock.

The Brotherhood without Banners

Arya is hitting that age when she’s less “cute and precocious” and more “whiny and annoying”. Look at her sit on that rock and whine about ‘not speaking to traitors’. And then going ahead and speaking to them anyway, like a snotty teenage girl. Actually, she kinda reminds me of 14 year old me.

She’s not the cleverest of the Starks, is she? Well, the Starks were never a clever lot, but today, Arya really takes the cake. Yes, I’ll just run off into the wilderness with no food or resources, away from these men who are bound to protect me. Let’s just sprint off into the darkness. I’m sure I’ll be better off. Tra-la-la! Oh no! Oh wait! AUUGHHH!! THE HOUND!

Moron.

Theon Not-so-gay-joy

I’m really starting to feel for him. I couldn’t actually sit through his segment without visibly cringeing and clutching onto The Boyfriend for moral support. Why the mind games?! Why!? Just kill him already! Not his cock! Noooo!!!

Poor Theon…

The Boyfriend actually made an incredibly astute observation. He thinks that the Boltons have Theon (I’ve read the books, but don’t remember this part. The Boyfriend has not read the books). He pointed out that the cross that Theon has been strung up on looks similar to the flayed man on the Bolton’s coat of arms. What was amazing was that this is how The Boyfriend picked up on it:

The Boyfriend: “Oh hey, that emblem thing on Roose Bolton’s vest kinda looks like Theon. Do the Boltons have him?!”

King’s Landing

Sansa is bitching to Margaery about her upcoming nuptials to Tyrion. Oh noes! I have to copulate with a dwarf! Sansa’s so sad she can’t have sword-swallower Loras! Meanwhile, Margaery is engaged to the whore-murderer.

Ugh, what a diddling fool. I’m glad Margaery is there to talk her through the whole sex thing, even if she did just admit that she’s slept around. A LOT.

Honey, we could tell by your wardrobe.

At the same time, Tyrion is bemoaning having to marry ‘The Stark Child’. Tyrion has some values, okay? And look at him trying to appease Shae. Ugh, whatever. She is ACTUALLY a gold-digger (as in trying to dig into the Lannister’s famous gold, geddit? Lols). How does he not see this?

Finally, we get a tasty morsel of Tywin Lannister. Alas, no Olenna this week, but we get to see Tywin patronize the bajesus out of Joffrey. Look at how he’s so diplomatic, yet every word is dripping with indulgence and condescension. When I grow up, I want to be Tywin Lannister (gold and all).

That was essentially a complicated version of “All right, precious child-king. [Pats him on the head] Off to bed with you.”

The Handsome Twosome

Jaime and Brienne have established one of the most complicated and touching relationships of the entire series. It’s gratifying to see how its grown from hostility to mutual respect and hesitant trust. Brienne, not Cersei, has made a man out of Jaime. I guess you could say the same of Jaime, making a woman out of Brienne. She’s able to be open and vulnerable around him. And for once, she is the damsel in distress, to be saved by the dashing Ser Jaime!

Well, okay, not so dashing. He’s a bit too hobo chic right now to be considered anything close to dashing. When he jumped into the arena, I literally screamed to The Boyfriend, “WHAT THE HELL DOES THE GIMP THINK HE’S GOING TO DO!?”

“I am the Khaleesi, and you will do as I say!”

Indeed. Khaleesi is on a hot streak. Qarth, then Astapor, and now Yunkai. Watch out, Yunkish peeps! The Valyrian Abe Lincoln is out for slaver blood!

Can we all just savor how she decimates this Yunkish dude? Ooooh! Look at how big her wee dragons are getting!

BONUS – Tywin Lannister looking fierce as hell in hooker boots. Can’t unsee? Well SCREW YOU, he’s still a bad ass.

Game of Thrones Recap (S03 E06): Tywin and Olenna duke it out

After weeks of mad awesomeness, there was very little in this episode that made us go ‘holy shitballs!’. This week’s episode is dedicated to setting up future story-lines. Its kinda, totally boring… Plus, the title of the episode, ‘The Climb’, just makes me think of that god-awful Miley Cyrus song.

I guess I can understand the virtue of having a slower paced episode to set up a biggie, but one thing is really bothering me:

WHERE IS KHALEESI!?

I need my weekly dose of dragon-lady.

Nevertheless, it gave me a scene that I’ve been waiting for all season: TYWIN vs. OLENNA – The Heavyweight Showdown. However, lets start with the Westerosi stragglers.

THE BREAKDOWN

Bran The Little Man

Bran is still crippled. Jojen is still creepy. Osha and Meera get snappy over how to skin rabbits.

One thing I thoroughly enjoy in Game of Thrones, though, is how sincerely badass a lot of the women are. Freaking hell – Crippled Bran, Baby Rickon, and Skinny Jojen (and even Retarded Hodor) are napping in their bedrolls while Meera and Osha do the hunting. These are some kickass women. Ygritte, Brienne, and our prodigal dragon-mother, Khaleesi, to name a few.

It makes sense too. While the men are off posturing and playing at war, the women are left behind to defend themselves from things worse than death. Thank you, George RR Martin, for trumpeting the strength of women.

Theon Gayjoy

Still strapped up. Still being tortured. (Seriously, what is going on? I don’t remember this bit in the book…)

His torturer loves playing mind games it seems. Are you in Deepwood Motte? Are you in Karhold? Na-nee-na-nee-boo-boo! I won’t tell you!

The Brotherhood Without Banners

Precious little Arya, trying to show off her weaponry skills again. Lols. How adorbs. She must have some kind of psychological disorder that makes her perceive herself as a hulking 6ft7 warrior. I just want to pat her on the head and say:

But, UGH, THE RED SKANK IS BACK. And she freaking takes Gendry! And Beric Dondarrion / Thoros of Myr trade him out for a couple bags of gold! How totally and completely uncool. Beric has fallen at least 5 notches on my cool-o-meter, whether or not he can light swords aflame with his blood.

The Handsome Twosome

Prince Charming looks a little less handsome now and a little more ex-army hobo. Brienne is in a PINK DRESS (haha!!). Roose Bolton betrays Robb Stark by letting Jaime go back to daddy in King’s Landing.

Is it mean for me to laugh at this crippled guy fail so hard at cutting up his dinner? I was laughing internally, if that helps. I’m a bad person… It’s cute how Brienne helps him cut up his dinner though. Like a wee baby boy.

The NOOORTH

Buh-BOOM!

We get a glimpse of Fat Sam trying to take care of Anorexic Cassie from Skins and her baby boy. Its sweet how hard he tries, especially seeing how incompetent he is at most things. I suspect that not being able to start a fire in Westeros is much like not being able to boil an egg on Earth. How embarrassing.

Then, we’re treated to Jon Snow and Ygritte climbing The Wall. Ygritte has a touching scene with Jon telling him that she’s his woman and that she will always care for him. Then she tells him that if he betrays her, she’ll cut off his wang and wear it as a necklace. Charming. She’s evolved from Overly Attached Girlfriend into Overly Insane Girlfriend:

Bitch be cray-cray.

Then, with that beautiful sentiment still swimming in his head, Jon Snow and the Northern crew get to climbing that behemoth of a wall. They climb, there’s an accident, that dickish Warg guy who’s played by that wooden-eyed moron from Pirates fo the Caribbean cuts the rope, letting Ygritte and Jon fall. Luckily, Jon is a crafty, crafty boy and catches onto a ledge before the rope is loosed. They get to the top, check out the view, and kiss like two horny high-schoolers at Make-Out Point.

I think this was meant to be the ‘exciting storyline’ this week. Ehh, I like Gwen The Downton Abbey Housemaid as much as the next person, but it left me cold. Haha, ‘cold’ – geddit?

The King in the North

So they’re selling off Edmure Tully to the Freys already. We’re at that point.

ROBB!! WHY DID YOU MARRY THAT VOLANTIS BIMBO!? WHY?! (It’s very Helen of Troy, how she’s screwing up an entire war for everyone. Only, she’s not half as beautiful as Diane Kruger.) Gawd, what a cock-up.

Everybody stay tuned for The Red Wedding.

King’s Landing

So this is where the actions at.

First off, HOLY SHIT GoT Joan is dead! Roz is dead! Well, she was outlasting her use. Oh, that’s actually pretty brutal of me to say. Joffrey is a nutjob. He is Patrick Bateman of Westeros with a crossbow instead of an axe.

Loras and Sansa have a lovely awkward chat. She’s clearly still under the impression that she will be married to him and live happily ever after in fairytale rose-land. Oh, Sansa. She’s another one I want to pat on the head, and say, “Oh, honey…” Were she more well-versed with the world, she would pin Loras for the flaming homosexual he is the minute he started talking about how much he liked green brocade and French sleeves. (Pardonnez-moi, writers, but WHY IS HE TALKING ABOUT ‘FRENCH’ SLEEVES? Are there French people in Westeros? I think NOT!) Loras is so obviously fabulous:

Alas, it has been decided that TYRION shall wed SANSA, and CERSEI shall produce baby flowers with the fabulous LORAS.

Tyrion and Cersei have a good sibling moment where they both reflect on the sordid demands of the Lannister legacy. They can see it destroying their lives. They see how ruthless their father is. Yet, they both do nothing to protect themselves or each other. Can you imagine how indestructible a team made up of Tyrion, Cersei, and Jaime would’ve been if they had worked together?

Great… we’re marrying children.

Alas! We arrive at the moment we’ve all been waiting for! The Grand Showdown between Lannister Lion, Lord Tywin of Casterly Rock, and Queen of Thorns, Lady Olenna Tyrell of Highgarden!

Watching them callously barter their children and grandchildren like chattel was, singularly, the awesomest thing ever. Despicable, yet thoroughly, unbeatably awesome. This is how dynasties are created:

HAHA, Lady Olenna calls Loras a “sword-swallower, through and through.” She seems so proud.

Admittedly, we have to say that humourless Tywin won that round. Lady Olenna more than holds her own though. She secedes with such grace and cheek.

“I am Khaleesi, and you will do as I say!”

Oh WHOOPS. There WAS no Khaleesi this episode, WAS THERE?

I have to say though, I really miss the Khal.

This makes me very, very sad.

I actually met (well, sat in the same room and breathed in the same air as)  Jason Momoa when he was down in Melbourne for ComicCon 2012. He is charmingly goofy, incredibly endearing (when he talks about his wife and kids especially), and about five kinds of sexy.

Oh, Khal – I’ll be your sun and your stars!

= = =

BONUS Zach Braff craving Khaleesi as much as I do:

I need a Khaleesi.

— Zach Braff (@zachbraff) March 17, 2013

Sadly, I don’t think it worked out:

I’m definitely not Khaleesi’s type. So pissed.

— Zach Braff (@zachbraff) May 3, 2013