Tag Archives: Tru Blood

True Blood Recap (S06 E06): Dangerwhore’s Fairy Paradise

Have any of you girls ever had shiny bright fairy-light emanate from your crotch when you orgasmed? Hmm, no? Yeah, me neither. Maybe I should look into this ‘being a fairy’ thing.

Fairy Paradise

I’m pretty sure that 99.9% of the female True Blood audience is properly in love with Warlow by now. Especially after watching him pull a Prince Charming when rescuing Sookie’s drowning fairy butt:

    

That’s it. I’m done. Sorry, guys. I am very firmly on Team Warlow. Actually, I am Team Robert Kazinsky! Can’t decide what’s hotter – Robert Kazinsky rescuing fairy princess over here or Robert Kazinsky pummelling Kaiju ass in Pacific Rim.

You know, everyone gave Bella Swan a lot of shit for setting a bad example for young girls. Sookie Stackhouse makes Bella Swan look like Mother freakin’ Teresa.

Billith The Barely Functional

Can we just skip ahead to the part where Billith rescues vampire-kind already? He was made out to be all-powerful and shiz at the beginning of the season. So far, all he’s done is sit around weeping blood and kidnap a bunch of teenage fairy sluts.

I guess ripping off the Governor’s head is a step in the right direction.

Okayy, and him walking around in sunlight, impervious to bullets, mind-fucking guards and stuff. All that was pretty cool too.

   

Although, did he really just kill, and thus martyr, the one guy he could use for political gain? Nice one, dude. In the words of The Sister, BILL IS REALLY BAD AT BEING A VAMPIRE GOD.

Beeteedubs, Lillith’s downstairs wig was so bushy that you could see it straight through her dress. Was that really necessary, hair  department?

Camp Auschvamp

First off – THANK YOU FOR NOT KILLING ERIC AND PAM. I would like to renew my True Blood loyalty card. Pfft, Pam and Eric turning on each other? NEVAAARRR!!! Booyah, Newlins!

One question though – how did Pam get her hands on the eyeliner and lipstick? Is there a daily make-up ration at Camp Auschvamp? Or does Pam get special treatment because that schlubby pervert therapist has a thing for her?

This week, we discover that Sarah Newlin has clearly lost her marbles.

I guess having sex with a gay guy, an old guy, and then a vampire-lovin’ guy can have that effect on you. After trying to orchestrate the Eric-Pam Gladiator Showdown, she tries to get her revenge on Jason by making him sit through a ‘copulation study’ between a valiant vampire named James and our innocent baby vamp, Jess.

I know it was blatant emotional manipulation, but watching James steadfastly refuse to rape Jessica for their ‘research purposes’, even under pain of UV torture, really pulled at my delicate heartstrings. I know its an obvious allegory for highlighting ‘who the real monsters are’, but whatever. James was soppy dude, but I think Jessica needs some soppy sweetness right about now.

   

Seriously though, writers, can we please get James to come back for more episodes? I’m sensing a prison love-story here, folks.

Aw man, I really miss Jessica and Hoyt. Her and Jason Stackhouse just isn’t right. Although, kudos to Jason for using his noodle and talking his way into the LAVTF! Who would’ve thunk it. Jason Stackhouse, The Con Man.

Well, those racist fucks are also evil motherfuckers because contaminating the vampire food source with a bio-engineered virus is some malevolent Nazi shit. How is the rest of America so happy dandy with Louisiana on the brink of mass genocide? Seriously, Obama – don’t tell me the NSA doesn’t have hard-drives packed with files about Truman Burrell and his twisted vamp camp.

Oh yeah, and they killed off Nora (please, guys, of course she’s going to die). I guess that’s sad. For Eric.

    

Not to be insensitive, but I really do enjoy it when Eric tries to be human:

Can we just skip to the part where Billith tears apart the vamp camp Tru Blood facility with his bare hands already? (Or better yet, with his fancy new mind powers!)

R.I.P. Terry Bellefleur

Terry and Arlene were my favourite couple. Yes, even amongst the gamut of intense supernatural lovin’, Terry and Arlene – Tarlene (?) – were the true golden couple. Never mind that Terry had a gnarly case of PTSD that left him mentally debilitated fifty percent of the time. Never mind that Arlene is a divorcee single mother wrapped in a glossy layer of turquoise velour and white trash.

Their relationship was one founded on mutual trust and respect (unlike so many others on the show). After all, a couple that hides a murder together is one that stays together (not that I’m advocating homicide.) In the end, True Blood has lost its one and only proper love story.

We’ll miss you, Terry Bellefleur.

   

   

*Sniff* Can we all just remember happier times?

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True Blood Recap (S06 E03-E04): Supernatural stupidity

True Blood has turned into an elaborate Where’s Waldo picture book. Where the fuck, and who the fuck, is Warlow?

OHH RIGHT – BEN IS FREAKING WARLOW.

After a few seasons of seeing a gnarled face poking through the ether, I’m ashamed to say that I was totally caught off guard. A good-looking Warlow? Well, I’ll be damned! What a twist! (Despite the fact that practically everyone in True Blood is inhumanly beautiful – why would I ever expect Warlow to be as well?! No duh!)

The Warlow Saga

I may bitch and bitch about Sookie and her fairy vagina, but I’ll admit that I’m kinda hooked with this whole handsome Warlow thing. Okay, FINE. I’ll admit it!! Rob Kazinsky (aka. Ben/Warlow) is a total babe. I fought it because I knew that’s how the True Blood writers’ room operates – they introduce a hottie every season to shake things up in place of developing an actual coherent plotline. Well, its been working for five seasons, so why not a sixth? They picked a good one this season too. How can you resist it when he mugs it up, all earnest and kind and shit. I can smell the sex-starved-female-pheromones in the air – He’s not evil! He just wants to be luuurrrvved!! Plus, who knew shaving could be so homoerotic?

But yeah, moving along. Warlow, we find out, is a vampire-fairy hybrid. Supernatural TV shows are all about hybrids nowadays. Especially the villain/anti-hero hybrid. I just caught up with all four seasons of The Vampire Diaries and yup, RAMPANT with hybrids (FYI – Klaus is a smoking-hot hybrid). Its not sexy just to be one kind of supernatural being anymore. You have to be a slashie! (Much like the entertainment industry nowadays. Everyone has to be a actor-slash-director-slash-saviour of the known universe. Oh! Ben/Warlow is Angelina Jolie!)

Btw, is Sookie physically capable of keeping her damn clothes on? I’m pretty sure one is able to confront someone about their hybridism without first initiating couch-sex.

Oh yeah, so sad – no more Rutger Hauer as fairy grandfather. I was watching The Expendables for the first time the other day and it made me wonder why Rutger Hauer wasn’t there kicking ass alongside Dolph Lundgren. I’m not quite sure landing this True Blood gig instead is a triumph or a disappointment by comparison…

The Book of Billith

As it turns out, ingesting a sizeable volume of your progenitor’s stale millennia-old blood really fucks with your head. Symptoms include:

Pseudo-clairvoyant hallucinations, end-of-the-world syndrome, haemorrhaging from eye ducts…

…God complex, spontaneous combustion…

…and finally, the unexpected urge to kidnap teenage fairy-girls.

Bill sends Jessica to kidnap chubby Jap doctor who was the original creator of Tru Blood. Bill then send Jessica to kidnap the gullible fairy-girls. Bill uses his older-gentleman charm (which is kinda creepy given his fatherly vibes) to extract their blood for chubby Jap doctor to synthesise. Bill wants to create the ultimate vampire Gatorade (full of fairy-electrolytes!) for military use. Oh no! The blood breaks down too fast to synthesise! Chubby Jap doctor needs a constant supply of fairy-blood to study! Bill then leaves Jessica, the Baby Vamp, in a room, alone, with four walking balls of vampire-catnip. HOW COULD THIS PLAN GO WRONG?!

OOPS

Sheriff Bellefleur will not be pleased.

The Great Southern Apartheid

Eric, on the other hand, has another Master Plan. Not quite as technologically-advanced as the mass production of liquid vampire-steroids. No, he takes a more Avatar-like (i.e. the getting-someone-to-go-native) approach, albeit with just as much kidnapping. He’s getting jiggy with psychological warfare!

Eric’s plan involves: (a) kidnapping the daughter of the governor leading the anti-vampire charge in the South, (b) giving her major Stockholm Syndrome via his rock-hard abs and soulful eyes, and (c) sending his baby-vamp back to Daddy to convince him to stop hunting vampires. HOW COULD THIS PLAN GO WRONG?!

Oh yeah, Willa tries to chow down on Daddy, thus intensifying his hatred of vampires. Whoops.

Inducing Stockholm Syndrome in 2 Easy Steps:
Step 1, lock her in a coffin with you. Step 2, be a hot viking sex god.

Eric and Bill, The Viking Warrior and The Civil War Veteran, failing miserably at simple military strategy. Sun Tzu would be ashamed.

(Sidenote: Tara is still bitchy and annoying. Pam is still awesome. Tara gets Pam shot, thereby multiplying her bitchy/annoying factor.)

Wolves, Shifters, and other inconsequential folk

When did Alcide start acting like such a huge dick? It’s like, get naked a few times, eat a bit of wolfman flesh, put a leather jacket on him, and voila! – instant asshole! Plus, he’s gotten really high and mighty with the whole “I AM YOUR PACKMASTER” line. He’s said it so much he’s turning into Khaleesi (i.e. “I am your Khaleesi and you will do as I say!”).

Wolf-bitches! Wolf-bitches everywhere!

Also, NOT COOL SAM. Three day after your girlfriend dies, you start making out with some civil rights activist chick while your dead girlfriend’s daughter is in the next room? SO NOT COOL.

Conclusion: Vampirism compromises the ability to think strategically. Fairy-ism causes the inability to keep your clothes on. Lycanthropy enhances your inner douchebag. Shifter-ism convolutes any sense of moral decency. Have I left anything out?

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