Tag Archives: vampire rape

True Blood Recap (S06 E06): Dangerwhore’s Fairy Paradise

Have any of you girls ever had shiny bright fairy-light emanate from your crotch when you orgasmed? Hmm, no? Yeah, me neither. Maybe I should look into this ‘being a fairy’ thing.

Fairy Paradise

I’m pretty sure that 99.9% of the female True Blood audience is properly in love with Warlow by now. Especially after watching him pull a Prince Charming when rescuing Sookie’s drowning fairy butt:

    

That’s it. I’m done. Sorry, guys. I am very firmly on Team Warlow. Actually, I am Team Robert Kazinsky! Can’t decide what’s hotter – Robert Kazinsky rescuing fairy princess over here or Robert Kazinsky pummelling Kaiju ass in Pacific Rim.

You know, everyone gave Bella Swan a lot of shit for setting a bad example for young girls. Sookie Stackhouse makes Bella Swan look like Mother freakin’ Teresa.

Billith The Barely Functional

Can we just skip ahead to the part where Billith rescues vampire-kind already? He was made out to be all-powerful and shiz at the beginning of the season. So far, all he’s done is sit around weeping blood and kidnap a bunch of teenage fairy sluts.

I guess ripping off the Governor’s head is a step in the right direction.

Okayy, and him walking around in sunlight, impervious to bullets, mind-fucking guards and stuff. All that was pretty cool too.

   

Although, did he really just kill, and thus martyr, the one guy he could use for political gain? Nice one, dude. In the words of The Sister, BILL IS REALLY BAD AT BEING A VAMPIRE GOD.

Beeteedubs, Lillith’s downstairs wig was so bushy that you could see it straight through her dress. Was that really necessary, hair  department?

Camp Auschvamp

First off – THANK YOU FOR NOT KILLING ERIC AND PAM. I would like to renew my True Blood loyalty card. Pfft, Pam and Eric turning on each other? NEVAAARRR!!! Booyah, Newlins!

One question though – how did Pam get her hands on the eyeliner and lipstick? Is there a daily make-up ration at Camp Auschvamp? Or does Pam get special treatment because that schlubby pervert therapist has a thing for her?

This week, we discover that Sarah Newlin has clearly lost her marbles.

I guess having sex with a gay guy, an old guy, and then a vampire-lovin’ guy can have that effect on you. After trying to orchestrate the Eric-Pam Gladiator Showdown, she tries to get her revenge on Jason by making him sit through a ‘copulation study’ between a valiant vampire named James and our innocent baby vamp, Jess.

I know it was blatant emotional manipulation, but watching James steadfastly refuse to rape Jessica for their ‘research purposes’, even under pain of UV torture, really pulled at my delicate heartstrings. I know its an obvious allegory for highlighting ‘who the real monsters are’, but whatever. James was soppy dude, but I think Jessica needs some soppy sweetness right about now.

   

Seriously though, writers, can we please get James to come back for more episodes? I’m sensing a prison love-story here, folks.

Aw man, I really miss Jessica and Hoyt. Her and Jason Stackhouse just isn’t right. Although, kudos to Jason for using his noodle and talking his way into the LAVTF! Who would’ve thunk it. Jason Stackhouse, The Con Man.

Well, those racist fucks are also evil motherfuckers because contaminating the vampire food source with a bio-engineered virus is some malevolent Nazi shit. How is the rest of America so happy dandy with Louisiana on the brink of mass genocide? Seriously, Obama – don’t tell me the NSA doesn’t have hard-drives packed with files about Truman Burrell and his twisted vamp camp.

Oh yeah, and they killed off Nora (please, guys, of course she’s going to die). I guess that’s sad. For Eric.

    

Not to be insensitive, but I really do enjoy it when Eric tries to be human:

Can we just skip to the part where Billith tears apart the vamp camp Tru Blood facility with his bare hands already? (Or better yet, with his fancy new mind powers!)

R.I.P. Terry Bellefleur

Terry and Arlene were my favourite couple. Yes, even amongst the gamut of intense supernatural lovin’, Terry and Arlene – Tarlene (?) – were the true golden couple. Never mind that Terry had a gnarly case of PTSD that left him mentally debilitated fifty percent of the time. Never mind that Arlene is a divorcee single mother wrapped in a glossy layer of turquoise velour and white trash.

Their relationship was one founded on mutual trust and respect (unlike so many others on the show). After all, a couple that hides a murder together is one that stays together (not that I’m advocating homicide.) In the end, True Blood has lost its one and only proper love story.

We’ll miss you, Terry Bellefleur.

   

   

*Sniff* Can we all just remember happier times?

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