Tag Archives: Varys

Suits Recap (S03 E01-02): Oh Captain Litt, My Captain

Louis is like that wannabe girl in high school that, no matter what she does, is still unpopular. Haven’t you realised by now Louis? The dynamic duo of Harvey + Mike will never be a triumvirate. You’re the Jenny Humphrey to their Blair and Serena. Strike out on your own Louis! I guarantee you there are other, more worthy people out there who would kill to join Team Litt.

That’s right, Louis. I want to be LITT UP.

Wooing for Team Litt

Louis Litt is my man. He’s come a long way from the vindictive, snivelling, two-faced coward in Season 1 and bloomed into the most sympathetic, eccentric, and well-developed character of Suits. His hairy behind has weaselled its way into my heart and established domicile. Poor Louis Litt was that kid that was bullied for being strange and socially-retarded in high school.

Who are we kidding? Pearson Hardman, now Pearson Darby, is high school with better clothes. Louis is still a Mathlete that loiters creepily around the drama club. Harvey is still the head jock / honour-roll student / bad boy prom king that snogs all the girls.

That’s why, when Nigel made an appearance, I was so thrilled. FINALLY, someone whose obsessive-compulsion and social-ineptitude matched the Litt level. But of course, after being betrayed so many times, Louis couldn’t recognise a true potential friend when he saw one. Its really quite sad. Not only did Nigel take his uni-balls and his bran bars, but taking the associates? That is LOW.

At least Louis got to experience his very own Dead Poets Society moment.

Bless Mike. All Louis wants is an ‘in’ with the cool kids. He just wants his own bro to romance.

Watching him and Louis tackle Eminent Domain this week was like watching the beginnings of a beautiful love story. The wining and dining. The steak. The cheesecake. The mud room – oh God, who could forget the glorious mud room.

  

Mike and Louis would’ve been a great team.

Mr & Mrs Specter

Alas, Louis could never stand in the way of true love. By that, of course, I mean Harvey Specter and his beleaguered bro-wife, Mike Ross.

As much as I want Mike and Louis to hook up, you can’t deny that Harvey and Mike are perfection. They are Ted & Marshall, they are Turk & J.D., they are Joey & Chandler, they are freaking Lucius Vorenus & Titus Pullo (“THIRTEENTH!!!!”). In sharply-tailored suits, of course.

That’s why it felt pretty frivolous watching Harvey and Donna meangirl Mike for two episodes.

They weren’t ever, ever, ever not going to get back together.

The Fungus Couple

Speaking of star-crossed lovers, I’ve never really been down with the Mike & Rachel connection. They were always kind of blah to me. It started off with him being all “ooh she’s so hot, she’s so feisty”, but then he got with Jenny. But he still flirted with Rachel. And then broke it off with Jenny. Started dating Rachel. But then broke it off with Rachel because he ‘couldn’t lie to her’. And she found out he’s a total fraud and liar. And she still takes him back?! Like, what up, Rachel? I thought you were a smart, empowered lady! He cheats and lies, but because he has innocent blue eyes and is supposedly well-endowed, its all totally peachy-keen?

(Haha, I just wanted an excuse to post that. Donna is mah guuurrrlll *snaps fingers while tossing hair around*.)

But whatever. I guess if writers are insisting that Mike & Rachel are the next Ross and Rachel (hoho Mike ROSS), then fine – I’ll get with the program.  I guess they’re kinda growing on me. Like a FUNGUS.

UGHHH FINE, I CONCEDE. That was pretty cute.

Don’t you hate it when Mommy and Daddy fight

While we’re evaluating couples, its so troubling when the ultimate power couple fights. By that, I mean Harvey and Jessica. Its like when Blair and Chuck fight – you can almost sense the looming apocalypse.

The world just ain’t right when they’re not scheming together. Let’s just acknowledge right now how the whole of Episode 2 was an allegory foreshadowing the potential double-crossing Harvey will be enacting on Jessica. I get it, she went behind his back. But don’t you think you’re being a little childish, Harvey? It was always her firm and if she needed a merger to survive, that’s her business. There’s a reason she can’t trust you, Harvey. You’re a loose cannon and now, you’re just proving her right with your recklessness and impulsiveness. Oh no, you didn’t get what you want. Boo frickin hoo. Let’s topple my patron and mentor because she put me in my place.

I love you Gabriel Macht, but you’re going to have to work really hard this season if you want me to keep supporting Team Harvey at the rate he’s going.

FYI – JESSICA PEARSON IS MY IDOL. This is my life plan: I shall be Jessica Pearson at 40, and Diane Lockhart at 50. I’ve clearly thought things through.

Jessica Pearson is one hot bitch with hella style, but wtf was she wearing in Episode 1? It was like she got cold and wrapped a dirty Ace bandage around her shoulders.

Game of Thrones suits up

You know who’s another hot bitch? Corporate Catelyn Stark. Whooo! You go, Michelle Fairley. Who knew Mrs Stark had such a rockin’ bod under all those furs.

You just know that Corporate Varys got her to hook-up. You know why Conleth Hill always plays a sneaky mofo? Because he does it with such charm and pizazz.

CONCLUSION: Can we stop the back-stabbing, guys? As we’ve just seen with Harvey and Mike, Jessica and Harvey will return to being the Brangelina of corporate law in no time. Let’s everyone go back to the status quo because any episode where anyone is scheming behind each others back is one wasted where they could’ve been awesomely taking down some slimy dickbag. Like Dominic. Ugh.

Silver lining? SUITS IS BACK! YAY!

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Game of Thrones Recap (S03 E10): Wolf-headed Robb

I KNOW… The episode aired two weeks ago. What is wrong with me?!

I’ll tell you what – me watching the brutal slaughter of Robb Stark and his brethren was like an alcoholic going on a bender of Charlie-Sheen-like proportions, only to awake in a puddle of pills and puke. I needed to check into the George RR Martin Clinic for Recovering Viewers for a fortnightly stint. I’m faring better, folks, so here’s the jam:

THE BREAKDOWN

Our ever-noble, King of the North

Last week, I was all a-twitter, asking “Where’s wolf-head Robb? Are they going to show it?” I thought it would be so disappointing to miss out on this spectacularly gruesome detail from the novel. The opening of the episode served it up, nice and cold. Nothing was more infuriating and distressing than the sight of Grey Wind’s head however, skewered, out of Robb’s body. It made me want to crush skulls and eviscerate men. Smack that shit on a poster and you’ll have your martyr for the North. I guarantee it’d be more effective recruiting soldiers than Uncle Sam and his pointer finger. (E.g. just watch Arya stab the shit out of that guy who was bragging about sticking the wolf-head onto Robb)

A good deal more gruesome than I expected it to be. Its a testament to the Game of Thrones effects team that shit like this doesn’t throw me as much anymore. I feel like a proper Westerosi denizen – “Yeah, sure, I see mutilated king’s corpses all the time – no biggie. Adding that wolf head was an asshole move though.”

King’s Landing

Its sweet to see Sansa warming to Tyrion. Peter Dinklage truly embodies the decency and hopeful loneliness of a lifelong outcast. The two of them plotting to “sheep-shift” Desmond Crakehall is adorbs. You get the feeling that Sansa is the little girl, strolling with Mummy and Daddy in the gardens (Mummy being Tyrion’s whore-mistress and Daddy being her hubby, Tyrion).

When Varys tried to bribe Shae to go away though, its admirable that she chucked it in his face. It felt a little bit soap opera-esque though. I can’t get down with Shae, for some reason.

Isn’t Joffrey just the most annoying little prick? He’s like that kid at school who is a total cowardly douchebag, bullying the poor kids because his Daddy is richer than theirs. Can someone smack his smug face already? OH WAIT, Tyrion already did that. Let’s enjoy:

Epic LOLs. Too bad he can’t do that anymore. He’d probably get his hands chopped off and be forced to eat them or something nasty like that. Joffrey is a sicko. That whole “I want to serve Sansa Robb’s head”? WHERE DOES HE GET THIS STUFF? Cersei – what kind of XXX snuff films did you show him as a child?!

Anyway, that whole Small Council scene was SO MUCH YES!

God, there is SO MUCH AWESOME going on in this scene. Case in point:

“Monsters are dangerous and, just now, kings are dying like flies.” – WUH-WUUUT?!

“The King is tired. See him to his chambers.” – Run along now, widdle Joffrey-poo, before you get a proper spanking. My god, if I had Tywin Lannister as my gramps, I’d be pissing myself.

“Explain to me why it is more noble to slaughter 10,000 men in battle than a dozen at dinner.” – I’m totally down with that School of Tywin’s Art of War.

But, dayummm, Tywin. That man be COLD. Tyrion: “When have you ever done something […] solely for the benefit of the family?” / Tywin: “The day that you were born!”

THAT HAS GOT TO STING. I’m giving out free hugs, Tyrion. Come claim.

Bran, The Little Man

Blah, blah, the North is cold. Blah-de-blah, don’t kill a guest under your roof! Its bad ju-ju! Yes, be more obvious, HBO-GoT writer’s room. At least we have Walder Frey’s comeuppance to look forward to.

I actually thought it was pretty cool when Bran met up with Fat Sam and Gilly. It felt like cross-over fanfic! Can you imagine how sweet its going to be when Khaleesi gets her groove on with Jon Snow or something? EPIC.

The Traitorous Twosome: Walder & Roose

Whenever I say the name “Walder”, my brain automatically thinks “Balder Walder”. I HOPE THE REST OF YOUR HAIR FALLS OUT, YOU FILTHY TRAITOR!

Watching Balder Walder and Roose conspiring together, like they’re some epic martial geniuses, makes the bile rise in my throat. It’s clear to everyone but Walder Frey that no one respects him any more now than before. Just look at Roose’s patronising sneer. I hope Roose is stuck with that blithering idiot forever, like the Pinky to his Brain.

Balder Walder and Roose Bolton

Theon Gayjoy

So, I’m guessing Theon got a proper gelding. Ouch.

This made me giggle like a tween. Then, I immediately felt slightly disgusted with myself. Is it just me or does he kinda look like the dark-twisted doppelgänger of Samwise Gamgee?

That bastard Ramsay and Joffrey should get together. They’d be great mates, with their fondness for dismembering people and sending various body parts to their families’.

The Fleabottom Boys

Yay for hometown solidarity! Davos rescuing Gendry was all kinds of touching. I get these pangs of concern for Davos though. He’s acting very Ned Stark-y. I don’t want his head rolling around anytime soon.

This felt very crossover-fanfic to me as well. Its like that feeling you get when you meet someone from your hometown when you’re overseas. That massive “OMG, I DONT KNOW YOU BUT YOU MUST BE COOL BCUZ YOU’RE FROM HOME! LETS BE BFFS 4EVA (or, at least until the end of my trip)!”

Can I just reiterate how handsome Joe Dempsie now looks compared to his druggie-Chris from Skins days?

The NOOORTH

YEAAAAHHHH GURL, SHOOT THAT BASTARD DOWN!!! It took me a while to get on Team Ygritte, but I’ve never loved her more than this moment.

Okay, she’s a whole lot of cray-cray. Like, her and Taylor Swift could be best buds. What she did reminded me of Carrie Underwood’s ultimate ‘bitch-be-crazy!’ anthem. But nevertheless, Jon Snow was a bit of a dick-tool. He got in there, made her love him with all his lovey-talk, then he just rode off. TOOL.

“I am the Khaleesi, and you will do as I say!”

You mark my words, she is going to rule Westeros and the Eastern Kingdoms. LOOK AT HER, getting lifted up on people’s shoulder’s and shit. That is RELIGIOUS FANATICISM. She is the JESUS of Game of Thrones. She is MHYSA!!!

BONUS – Everyone has seen this on Buzzfeed, but it made me snort big-time into my lunch. This is Game of Throne’s, according to some random’s dad. ENJOY:

EXTRA BONUS – Shout out to Daniel Shpeizer for the kick up the arse. You post this stuff onto the Interwebs, hoping that it doesn’t get sucked up into the void of Internet-crap where pedos and lolcats reside. Thanks for letting me know that I’m not alone. All I can say is:

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Game of Thrones Recap (S03 E04): Valyrian is my mother tongue, b*tch

Did I call it, or did I call it? Khaleesi dropped some Valyrian and razed an entire freaking city. Slave Master dude from Astapor GOT BURNED by Khaleesi (bahaha!). Anyway, we’ll get to that later.

Dracarys, muthaf*cker

Dracarys, muthaf*cker

In this week’s episode, let us relish the delicious political potluck of King’s Landing, spiced with sprinklings of Westerosi refugees and a heaping scoop of ice cold murder up North. Oh yeah, and for the main course, a bloody massacre in Astapor – courtesy of our favourite hostess, Khaleesi of House Targaryen.

Lets skip along through all the random bits with our dirty smelly Westerosi travellers so we can get to the sumptuous parts of our GoT feast (I love saving all the fatty, oily, delicious stuff for last).

THE BREAKDOWN

Jaime / Brienne with Bolton’s Bastards

Oh, come on. Hanging the guy’s chopped off hand around his neck is just foul.

Nine kinds of nasty

Nine kinds of nasty

I vividly recall reading the parts in the book directly after Jaime’s hand was cut off. George RR Martin’s description of the smell of the rotting flesh, the pus oozing from his wrist, his head spinning with burning fever. With all that running through my head, coupled with the visual of Jaime writhing in the mud and horse piss – made me feel like I was watching Hannibal for a brief second. (Congrats on being somewhat relevant, Hannibal!)

It sucks to lose your hand, Jaime. But it also sucks to lose your life. Stop being such a whiny b*tch – “ohh I don’t want to live anymore” – and suck it up. You’re in GAME OF THRONES, man. Bad shit happens to everyone every day. NED STARK LOST HIS HEAD. Losing your hand seems pretty minor. So yeah, you tell him Brienne:

Brienne: “You sound like a bloody woman!”

I beg to differ. Jaime sounds like a whiny nobleman. I think we all know by now how tough the women in GoT are. Yourself included, Brienne.

Bran the  Little Man

Nothing much happens. Bran has a pathetic little dream where he falls off a tree. Yes, sad, sad, but that was three seasons ago. A little too 2000 and late.

Theon Gayjoy

What a MINDF*CK. So Servant Legolas basically just took him on a round trip just to mess with him? What was the point of that!?

Props to Alfie Allen for that touching moment: “My real father lost his head at King’s Landing. I made a choice, and I chose wrong.

As much as I want to hate Gayjoy, I just want to hand him over to a nice elderly foster mother like Evelyn from Four Brothers and have her straighten him out along with a bunch of other unruly delinquents.

Arya & The Brotherhood without Banners

We get an enticing glimpse into the underground cult that is the Brotherhood without Banners. We’ve already got The Red Priest, Thoros of Myr, and now we meet Beric Dondarrion.

Honestly, I’m slightly disappointed. Thoros of Myr, the Red Priest of Rhllor, was a merry fat blasphemer in King’s Landing who was thrown out and hardened into a true believer during his time with The Brotherhood. Beric Dondarrion was a dashing young knight whose gallantry led to his downfall in the pursuit of the Mountain, who found redemption and religion with the Brotherhood. So basically, they’re both meant to be freaking scary, and thus AWESOME.

Well, lets not rush to judgement, I suppose.

Thoros of Myr: Not fanatical enough

Beric Dondarrion: Not dashing enough

 The NOOORTH

Did you use the appropriate baritone when reading the title? Good.

Unfortunately, there were no funtimes with Julius Caesar (Mance Rayder) and his Merry Band of Misfits this week. Just disgruntled crows and a whole lot of murder at Craster’s Keep. How DARE Ugly Troll Guy stab His Lord Commander?! HOW DARE HE. Lord Commander should’ve / would’ve ripped him apart with his bare decrepit hands! I hope you get sliced to pieces by White Walkers, you foul turncoat!

R.I.P. Old Bear

King’s Landing

Oh there’s so many scrumptious snackadoodles to choose from!

Well, lets start with Varys’ chilling story about how his man jewels were cut off:

VARYS’ REVENGE – served ice cold and in a rickety crate.

There’s a lot of references to Varys’ genitalia in this episode. I guess you can’t request an audience with Grand Dame Tyrell and not expect a verbal smack down:

Grand Dame Tyrell is basically the female Tywin, non? Both are ruthless and intelligent. Both demand the respect of those around them. CAN YOU IMAGINE THEM MARRIED? Oh my god, that would make a great sitcom. ‘Tywin & Olenna: The Golden Years’.

Oh, Tywin Lannister. If there is one thing that redeems him, it is his knack for making you want to commit suicide by way of brutal honesty. How are his children even alive?

Tywin (to Cersei): “I don’t distrust you because you’re a woman. I distrust you because you’re not as smart as you think you are”

Ouch.

And on that note, Cersei is really losing touch with Joffrey. She lost control two seasons ago. Yet, Margaery – she’s masterful. You can expect as much from the lady who was also Anne Boleyn. Natalie Dormer is really carving a living out for herself by playing the manipulative partners of tyrannical kings.

“I am The Khaleesi, and you will do as I say!”

KHALEESI! I have a love-hate relationship with Khaleesi. She gets on my nerves, but yet I always come crawling back every time she does something cool. She’s like a little sister – she pisses me off, but I can’t help but be proud of her.

This episode, Khaleesi stole the whole she-bang. She was glorious.

I cannot put it into words, so enjoy and pay homage at the feet of Khaleesi:

KHALEESI WILL RULE WESTEROS. Just you wait, petty humans.

BONUS, TYWIN LANNISTER READING ’50 SHADES OF GREY’. If you were too lazy to watch any of the above, do yourself a favor and watch Charles Dance talk about ‘kinky f*ckery’:

UPDATE: Who do we need to bribe to get this into production –

I call House Targaryen. You can call me ‘Khaleesi’.

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